YEAR OF FUN

"#2011in3words Stress, Priorities, Opportunities" - This was my tweet yesterday. Yes, this is how I summarize my year 2011.

Emotional and psychological stress have been my morning wake-up call and evening lullaby. I was not in my healthiest this year. People would always see me problematic and haggard. And the worst part, I am a stress eater, it resulted to huge weight gains. But I will always consider all the stress as chances for me to prove myself. And because I am self-obsessed, I won over stress! I may have not won with gold medals, but I never ran away from it. I faced it with winning game face! :)

Knowing my priorities is my biggest challenge. It will take a lot of wisdom to set one's priorities. Sadly, I sacrificed my social life for my responsibilities. But that was one thing I was never wrong with. Though sometimes my schedule is all messed up, what is important is that by the end of the day I know which is important to me :)

2011 also has been full of doors of opportunities. I may not deserve all of it but I am so blessed just to know that there are people who saw my potentials and trusted in me. With all the hardwork and efforts I have exerted, I never asked for anything in return. Keeping this humility, I have been blessed with overwhelming opportunities. As I end this year, I am up for greatness! Thank God for all the opportunities :)

These three things - stress, priorities and opportunities, led me to one great 2012 lesson - MATURITY. I never saw myself growing up (emotionally and intellectually), but 2011 has ended my youth days. This year I have been faced with the worst stress ever, but it made me tougher and more mature. It takes a lot of maturity to make the right decisions and getting your priorities right. Saying that, I am definitely on the right track. Opportunities don't last, it fades if taken for granted. But with the maturity I gained this year, I am positive I will prove that I am deserving of all of it.

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Unexpectedly, my last year of 2011 was pure bliss. I had great moments with my true friends, did some spontaneous things, got rid of heartaches and felt accomplished with my internship. I never felt this overjoyed for the past days of the year. I guess it's just summarizing my entire year in a way that I never perceived it to be. I have been busy the whole year fulfilling my SC responsibilities, trying my hardest to make good impressions, struggling over my academics, staying strong for others and being the person others want me to be. But God, with all the powers from the universe, made me felt that I did just enough :)

I wouldn't lie, I am not ending this year right. I have my failures, regrets and guilt with me, but I will be facing 2012 stronger! Strong enough to face the big real world because I know the people I will run to when I trip again and again :)

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I have a lot to say about how awesome my 2011 was. I couldn't stop my mouth from telling all the dramatic, funny and amazing memorable stories. But as traditions says, we have to learn to move on from the past year and welcome the new year anew. I am going with tradition, but will be bringing a huge sack of wisdom and courage I gained from 2011.

I certainly ROCKED 2011! ♥

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As how Bill Rancic says it (in my favorite reality series Giuliana&Bill) - "THIS IS THE YEAR OF FUN!" ♥

2012 is my YEAR OF FUN! :)

I am still not sure how my 2012 will be. It wouldn't be that predictable as before, like how I always know I will be in school for the entire year, because I will graduating this March! I am 100% clueless of where I will be and who I will be with in the next months. When I was about to start my internship, I was so scared and nervous of the real world. I thought I was not prepared yet. Well, I am still unprepared but 2011 made me tougher! I might face 2012 alone but it's with a fighter's game face! :)

I also dedicate my 2012 to myself. I have done a lot of sacrifices this past year. But I don't regret putting myself on the least priority. I have never felt so accomplished when I know I am doing things for others' sake. Though 365 days of it is enough already. It's time to have 365 days for myself :)

I have this great realization in mind. I have always scheduled my day, doing things according to plan and controlled myself from sudden changes. But what I've missed out a lot was doing spontaneous things. And when I had a chance to do one, I found this genuine happiness that I want to have for a long time :)

This year I will take more risks and chances. This year I will be more impulsive. This year I will just go with the flow. This year I will live THE LIFE! ♥

CHEERS TO THE YEAR OF FUN, 2012 ♥

CHANCE

It could have been the perfect story of DESTINY..

People would always tell me that I don't have to wait for love, it just comes in the most unexpected way. I have always waited and searched for it but I never forced for it to be there when it shouldn't be. After that recent heartbreak, being the "other" woman, I was cautious more than ever. I swore myself that I will never be in that same situation and that will be my last most stupid heartbreak. I was living the single life, no need for a man to complete my day. There will be some guys to make me smile but they won't define me and my happiness.

A regular hot, sunny day on a semestral break, I checked my Facebook before leaving for a date with a girl friend. A surprising personal message popped out of my screen from a guy who is at first a stranger to me. I always ignore random chat messages from strangers after I check on who they are, because there are big possibilities that they would be from my college inquiring some stuff. I don't want to come out as a snob being the head of the council. Anyway, so I checked his profile. He is from our college, but I have to check more on his photos to be more familiar. Glancing through his photos, flashbacks rush into my head. THE GUY I ADMIRED TWO YEARS AGO!

When I was doing our electoral campaign, I would notice this guy around the building. He is a cutie with a big smile on his face. But I didn't get the chance to meet him but I told myself that next academic year, I am having my eye on him! It was strange to not see him around especially with his circle of friends. The admiration eventually was gone. And then I learned that he stopped studying. And that marked the end of my hope for a possible spark. Fast forward 2 years later, I didn't hesitate to reply. Because there was only one word running in my head - CHANCE. I should give this conversation a chance. He might just be asking for me to like a photo or news about the college, I forgot about it, at least for once I stepped up for CHANCE.

I don't know his intentions, and I guess I will never know about it, but he was really starting this conversation with me to be my friend. He said that he wanted to approach me way before. I would probably be alarmed by then, but I was done with putting colors on meaningless statements. I was my normal nice but never-a-flirt self. Before we ended our conversation, he asked for my number. I gave it because I really don't mind at all. A little later, he sent me a text message.

There is a catch here: he is in a relationship - from what I saw in his facebook account. He was really nice but at times he is uber nice that it gets awkward. I had enough pain already that is why I went straight to the point that I was feeling awkward because he is in a relationship. He would always assure me that everything is okay and it's not like we're doing something illegal. Then one day, I bluntly asked him how his relationship is going. I was surprised to know that he already had broken up days ago. I was completely unaware of it and it wasn't even evident from his actions in our conversations. Knowing about this, I was alarmed already and beginning to create some cold space.

Another BUT begins.. But there is something about him that amuses me. It is difficult to define and describe how nice he is. Maybe I will put it this way, he would be sweet at times with his caring words, he complements my type of humor and I see the honesty in his words. And a plus factor, he speaks English with no grammatical errors. We are consistent text/bbmates. Then I knew his reason for quitting school for 2 years now. They have a financial problem. It was not a big deal but I would love to have a boyfriend who finished school. Oh well, since we're just friends, forget about it!

Suddenly, things are in a blur. We are beginning to have this petty fights and would try to fix the "problem". Just that freaks me out. Friends don't do that, right? As I try to ignore how serious things are getting, I would feel this intense feeling whenever I am confused with his words. What bothers me even more is that he was not texting me regularly anymore.

That began my confusion with feelings for him. I am starting to miss him. Why was I missing him? Does this mean that I already like him? Or is it just because I was just used to having him around? Was I left alone again lost on air for what could have been a love affair? Is this another heartbreak? Why just can't I learn? Why just can't I end up happy in love? (tears)

For a week, I was really misled with this words and actions. He was turning into guy who don't even care at all. Maybe it was me, because I was sick for week, but I am getting pissed with his jokes. I lost the nice guy whom I love talking with.

It got worse when he didn't even send a Christmas greeting. I greeted him but he replied late at night with "You too. Thanks." WOW! Nervously, I asked if he is mad at me and that everything is so unclear. He assured me that there were no reasons to be. And that's it, I guess, another bitter end to a never-could-be-love-story.

I am still not quite sure on my feelings for him. Now that I see it ended, things got clearer on a negative note. I can be a rebound - same level to being an other woman. It sucks. Whatever his intentions or reasons were, I don't care anymore. I will just remember him the way he was to me - nice, just nice.

I want to kill myself now because I am worrying myself on something that is nothing! Don't worry, I've already scolded myself for expecting things my way and getting pissed because it won't be.

Again, I screwed up! There is really something wrong with me that I always fail on this thing called LOVE. I would always reflect on how was to a guy when it all tears apart. With bragging rights, I was very awesomely nice. But it will all end up to I am not enough.

Same old story: You could've made this Christmas a special one. You could've been the special person I would run to for a warm hug this cold season. You could've saved me from this lonely hearts club. But, you are just not good enough.

SYNCOPE

"Guys, lalabas lang ako ah.."

After saying those words, everything went black. When I opened my eyes, I was being woken up by my friend's doctor. Still everything was in blur. I laid on the bed next to my friend, who just had an appendectomy, then a group of nurse came in to give me oxygen, transferred me to a stretcher then immediately rushed me to the emergency room. It was like those scenes in a movie, where a seriously injured person was rushed to the hospital, with the ceiling lights showed (in a very creepy way), then the two big ER doors were opened by the nurses and the doctors are waiting inside.

This was not the first time that I had a seizure attack. It happened for quite a lot of times, 7 at least, for shocking reasons. A lot would find it weird and funny at the same time, but yes, I faint with betadine and alcohol being used to cure my wounds. In addition to that, I freak out with injections. It makes me weak, cry like a baby and palpitate just to hear about anything related to medicine or bloody things. Weird as it may seem, but I am seriously going to die just thinking about these things.

Because of this stupid seizure, there I admit already, I stayed in the hospital for FOUR FREAKING days. The doctors were so persistent to know what's wrong with me. I went to ECG, EEG, MRI, and tilt table test! And just the fact that I had to sleep in that hospital bed, it's was already an achievement for me! After all the tests, results showed that I have an abnormality in my reflexes - vasovagal syncope.

The doctor's advice:

I can't experience any pain, hurt or extreme stress. I am not allowed to any extreme sports because I might have a seizure attack anytime. There is still no cure for this, just preventions. I have to respond quickly when I'm feeling I am about to pass out. Lay down and relax.

Even though I am advised to keep myself away from the hospital, I can't completely stay away from it. I have to face it eventually, and that day is super near. I will have my medical examinations for my internship. It's a full medical exam, wherein I have to face that grueling blood extraction twice - Hepa A test and CBC. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?

Just thinking about it frightens me. All these self-motivation are effectively working. It's the pain that scares me, that I wouldn't be able to survive it.

As I look back at my 4-day confinement, there is something that brightens my mood. Just thinking about all the people who took care of me, visited and showed their concern melts my heart. I couldn't say thank you enough to all these people. I never imagine this big care and love from my friends, colleagues and schoolmates. I am LOVED - by many!

EMPATHY

"EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY"

Such effective words of comfort, but with no certainty of its occurrence. Just trusting on the power of positivism and having faith that things will turn out the way it is supposed to be, even if it is not how you wanted it to be.

For the past 2 days, someone close to my heart just broke up with her boyfriend. She called me up to find comfort and seek answers/right actions to do. I am a know-it-all on love, though I have never been in a relationship ever. Actually, I have never been in love! She was immensely crying that even I was also tearing my eyes while listening to her.

Her boyfriend is one of the nicest ones I've met, who I also HOPE to have one someday. I have nothing against the guy. But I felt guilty when I heard that I am included in one of the reasons they fought. She really wanted to discover how is it getting drunk to prove something to her party-goer boyfriend. To stop her from ranting, we accompanied her through the night, let her do what she wants. By the end of the night, she was wasted and drunk. She was lying on the streets, crying, screaming, hurting us and calling out the name of her boyfriend. And that was the sweetest part, she won't stop screaming without her boyfriend on the line, hearing his voice. It was long night of struggle to calm her down and put her to sleep. It was an unforgettable bizarre night for all of us. (And that my friends is another long story). One thing is for sure, we never left her that night til she woke up the next morning. I took care of her because she is my responsibility and all I wanted was for her to be better. With what happened, I believe that we even gave their relationship a favor. All the unsaid jealousy and insecurities were honestly revealed. As much as I wanted to defend what we have done, I think they both, especially the guy, can find the answers by themselves.

She was sharing all their past and recent problems. I was trying my best to keep up but it came to the point that all I can say was, "stop crying please." I was just lost for words while listening to her.

After our conversation, it seemed that I carried all her pain. I was so restless that I can no longer sleep, so I looked for someone to talk with. I was so paranoid that I said the wrong things. I was so bothered that my words were not enough to put her on ease. I felt so pathetic.

Empathy? I guess so. I have never been in her situation ever, but sometimes, you don't need to be in the same situation to also feel someone's feelings. It's something viral, something unstoppable.

Pathetic? Our relationship was a mother-daughter one, that she would really depend on me when she is in trouble, answer all her unending queries, and ensuring she is safe at all times. I have never felt this responsible of a person. And she gives me this feeling that I am someone she looks up to, so I can't fail infront of her. That night, I was just paranoid that I wasn't able to help her. I think I disappointed her. And still disappoints her because everyday she would text me and ask me on what she would do, and I would give her this "over-positive" advice - which are no longer realistic for others. I think I failed. I don't deserve her respect.

Paranoid? After hearing her heart breaks, the effect on me was strange. It made me scared of LOVE. Everyone knows I am a HOPEless romantic. But her depression affected me so much that I am now seeing not just the beauty in love. I am now slowly believing that love is not just about happiness, it also can be painful that it can "kill" you. I am literally scared of falling in love now. I am not close to falling in love at all, I am not dating nor have someone special, but I am not planning to look for one anytime soon.

I still want to believe in love, the way I see it like those in fairytales, but there are really a lot I should learn. Those that I discovered that night was something I am not prepared for at all. I want to be in love, but it would really take time for me to be prepared for such pains.

They are still not in good terms. But I HOPE they will be, not soon, but in the perfect time when they're both mature already.

"I may not say the words as such.. I never feel quite I'm enough.. but I'm yours" - The Script ♥

FRIEND

We gain some, we lose some.

I am very thankful for having her in my life. My college life wouldn't be THIS awesome and meaningful if I didn't meet her. I owe her parts of my achievements and where I am now.

She is my college partner, in crime and success. She was always there for me, ever supportive of whatever decision I take. She was always been there for me, giving me a hand when I need one and keep me in company wherever I go.

So, yes, she is a dear friend. I love her and will always treasure what we had. For that, she will always be someone I respect and value.

But things just didn't work out between the two of us. I know some are wondering why we are not together anymore around school, not seated together, and talking. Well obviously, we are not in good in terms.

We had our cat, petty, or serious fights before. Now, it's worst. It's been more than month that we're not communicating.

It would only be fair for me to talk on why I am still not okay with her or not working on our friendship to be okay again.

I reached the point where I just needed a break from her irritating personality. She knows when I am tired or easily irritated. I didn't intend to destroy our friendship, but I just don't feel like talking to her. I AM THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WILL NOT TALK TO THE PERSON WHO I AM NOT OKAY WITH. Moreover, I don't want to play pretentious with a friend. It would be better to act it real that I have this bad feeling on her.

Where it started? It has been too long and a lot has happened that I don't remember the spark that started the fire burning. It was a whole week of not being happy of how she's been acting and changed with the new routine of her life.

Then the misunderstanding is getting worse, but this time it's more professional. I am not a fan of being grouped with your friends on school works. Too much dependence and comfort. I was getting more and more disappointed with her performance in our projects and works. And so it did add up to my irritation with her.

Honestly, being friends with her is such a culture-shock for me. She is liberated and spontaneous. We are total opposites. I have discovered a lot of controversial and "dirty" things because of her. I am not blaming her, she made me more opened to reality. I learned to accept more the liberated culture. Being very conservative, I am still in shock every time she shares her experiences on things-I-don't-have-to-mention-here. But still, I am to conserve the person I was before I met her.

I am sincerely happy where she is now and how her career is turning out. I know she's having a great time and she deserves the break that I've been seeing and hearing. That's not the issue. I am having the guts to say here, what others can't say, she has changed BIG TIME. I don't know what is in her, but there is something with her aura, jokes and actions that is not the girl that we all learned to love. I think it's not that we are not okay, but a noticeable awkward feeling is there when she is around.

From what I see, she is happy with her new found circle of friends and routine. I can't help but get affected with one of her posts:

"Now I know who I am and what I really want to be and I have to thank (so the list of names without me)"

Since then, I am with the people I love having great times with too. And I am happy where I am now. I am having productive and worthwhile moments with friends I trust. I am doing more mature things I don't regret. Fair and square, I know she is as well.

People are giving effort for us to be okay again. Forcing us to talk again. Thanks, but no thanks.

Okay, we'll be reconciled, saying our apologies and hugging, etc. But after that, what? Things are already different. I really don't know what to say to her anymore nor deal with her anymore.

Now I am a complete bitch of not giving importance to friendship. I am a true friend. But as much as I want to save ours, there's this big hesitation because of all the bad and hurt feelings that piled up.

It's not pride but it's what I really feel right. I miss having her around, making huge laughs, and nagging her when she makes foolish mistakes. I am not ending the friendship, I am leaving it open for when we are mature enough to talk beyond our misunderstandings and accepting each other.

BLOGniversary

This for all my blog readers, followers, friends, haters and stalkers. A lot had happened in the first year of my blog. This blog post is already 4 months late because of the blogger's busy life. Three months before my blogniversary, I have already been thinking of how it will, the contents and the issue I want to feature, and I have composed the perfect post for it.

Why did you start blogging?

It all started with a heartbreak. For the longest time, I would just cry over a pillow stuffed on my face to release all my vulnerability. I was a shock-absorber. But that night, I came across my best friend's blog (she's one of the best bloggers I know!), and it inspired me to make one. In one night, I was able to make two blog posts. After publishing those posts, a big thorn was pulled out of my system. It was indeed an effective tool to release all my vulnerabilities.

After that heartbreak, which we guess you have already moved on with, why do you still blog?

This is the frequently asked question of those who don't know and understand me, and I owe you some good explanation here. Here it is..

We all have our ways and means to cope with problems, heartaches, and pains in life. Some would cling to alcohols, cigars, hurting oneself, not eating, etc. As for me, I found this blog my ultimate best friend in times of despair or uncertainty. There are things that we want to say out loud, but we just cant. Maybe because we dont have the chance or the right people to share it with.

What is the real purpose of your blog?

To release all my vulnerabilities and angst. To share stories that matter. To write things that I can't say but my heart is crying out loud through my hands.

Do you have any style of blogging?

None really but I don't settle for just detailed story detailing. I make sure to be creative on my posts especially the construction and how I want my message to come across. Life should not be plain, let's put some drama.

What do you get from blogging?

It makes me sane. Relief of heart and peace of mind. I value acceptance more and more. And it improves my writing skills because I am afraid of grammatical errors.

Most of your blog posts are about love, especially on heartaches. Why? Is there no other thing you can write?

I am contented with life, but happiness is not there because love is missing. Love has been hurting me. And it really makes me vulnerable especially when you are a HOPEless romantic. I think my friends are getting tired of listening to my misfortunes on love, so I would just run to this blog. Yes, it doesn't talk back at me. It wont give answers to my unending questions, it cant hug nor wipe my tears. But that's what I love about it. I don't need people to give me biased words of wisdom or unending church-like sermons. What this blog does, that beats them all, is that it makes me seek for answers or solutions to my own problems. And this is to see how much I have learned from all my heartaches, to remind me of how stupid I was before and I should not be the same as before.

Why full of bitterness?

To get rid of bitterness, you should let it all out. So I write it all down. Then after, my heart is cleared again, and I would just laugh over my immature thoughts.

They say, you're using your blog to destroy other people? Is this true?

No, it's not. If I were to, I would announce it to everyone. I don't name names on my posts, not because I am afraid, but because I don't intend to destroy anyone and I choose not to. I always make sure that in every post, I would give a realization or lesson to every situation. If people see it that way, it is already their perception of that person - not mine.

Are you aware that people can read your blog posts?

Definitely. But I don't campaign my blog for people to read my posts. I don't beg them to follow this nor understand me. My blog is posted for me to re-read again.

Do you care?

25% of my purpose for blogging is to be able to make an effect to other people's lives. Ambitious it is but it's just a dream not a desire. I was once inspired with stories of people connected and changed because of blogs. And because I always think of writing something with sense and importance. Someday, somehow, there are people out there, in the other parts of the world, who would come across this blog, reading a post that he/she might relate to, be motivated, inspired or changed. There is a possibility, and I will continue sharing because of that.

So far, how were the feedbacks?

So far? Technically, I have 12 followers. But a handful of my posts were with comments. Most of them were words of encouragement and comfort. But surprisingly, there are haters.

Who are these haters?

Those people who care too much of what people think about them. Those people who are insecure and can't say anything good about others. Those people who are in denial that I am one heck of a person with substance, whom they would really give effort of destroying.

Do you care with their opinions? Do you have anything to tell to these haters?

I never said I didn't. But it doesn't make me paranoid. I want to hear it all. I am believer of constructive criticisms and triumphs over adversities. I don't blog to collect good comments and get sympathy.

If you don't like my blog posts, then don't read it. That is so pathetic, right? I don't get the point of people continuing to do things that they really hate and would complain every single time. If I bother you and you want this blog erased, then remove me out of your life. Who wants haters in their life? But this blog stays. Eyebrow raised for you!

Anything more to say to your followers?

I really appreciate those who would place a comment after reading my blog. Sometimes, I feel ashamed when people say they read my blog and would quote lines from it. But I am thankful to those who understand me.

Is there any blog post that you regret?

None. Sometimes, I would regret things that I said when I am able to face a new phase in life. But that's part of it, I could go back to my posts, see how much I have grown or moved on.

What more can we expect from this blog?

A lot of heartbreak stories I guess. Haha. But if along the road, I would meet that guy, this blog will be the first to know.

Any message to your blog?

I have a lot tell to this blog. First, I am very sorry for not consistently updating you. And for forgetting the password lately. But thank you for always being there in times I am very weak. Thank you for absorbing all my bitterness and anger. Thank you for being my best friend when I am alone in my room. Let's not mind all the haters, they are just envious of your deep substance. I will keep you. Mwaaa!

Happy BLOGniversary! :)

COVER

"Why do all good things come to an end?"

-He greets me good morning and wishes me sweet dreams every single day

-He would surprise me with simple treats

-He asks me out for coffee

-He would give me a ride home

-He was there when I was sick

-He holds my hand

-He calls me

-He pretends to have stop smoking when we're together

-He would try any possible way to cheer me up

-He would repeatedly thank me every time we're together

But he doesn't like me. Yes, he doesn't. I guess, he never did at all. I know he just had break up last month. I am totally cautious with that, that is why I know where I should stand and how my actions should be. But when they broke up, we did get closer to each other. I was still hesitant but I saw the sincerity in his actions. I trusted that he really meant all his words and actions. I know it was too fast, but a lot has happened already. I never noticed it all not until now that it has already ended.

I never expected for us to be together now or any moment from now or even soon. I have suppressed my feelings because I was scared, of the 3 month rule and we are both busy. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I was just going with the flow. I just let things happen.

I was happy. But honestly, there was a piece of me that wants us to be together in the future. Yes, I do like him. I don't think I have to admit it, because it would give pressure to the both us. I was just not yet ready for serious things to happen between us. I was being a HOPEless romantic again - that someday when we're both done with our priorities we'll try to work things between us.

Lately, I was not hearing anything from him. I waited. Then the week gets harsh. I saw him and his ex together twice. I tried not to over think things but the situation was growing suspicious. True enough, I getting paranoid was already a sign from the heavens that he was a complete ass. I heard from reliable sources that they are already working things out. Then, I gave myself some space. Space - to think of why was I hurt with those truths and incidents, and to see if he would come running to explain that all of those were lies. Those times were tempting because he suddenly returned with the old him to me. Then, I was LOST.

It was a blessing in disguise to have our retreat the next week. I did find my peace of mind there. I have accepted truths about love - pain is inevitable when you love someone. He wrote me a retreat letter stating how bothered he is with the space between us. He wants explanation but he swore he will still be there for me. And he ended the letter saying, I wanted us to be best friends. WOW. Best friends???

I was not asking for too much, maybe it was just friendship. But I can't accept the fact that he was not into me. I don't get it, actually. I have told him my heartaches, HOPING he wouldn't dare to be like those guys who once hurt me. But boys will be boys - sucking truth. I have already found the comfort in him that makes me trust him soooo much. I made it clear to him to be someone because you mean to be that way.

UPDATE: Awhile ago, I checked my FB News Feed, then I saw his changed relationship status. They got back together. I don't know when exactly, but it was a fresh news.

Now, I am really, really vulnerable. I feel so weak. I don't know what to do. :((((

This week, I was so happy. I had my retreat where I completely lose myself with the Lord. I felt renewed, refreshed and reborn. After it, I feel so appreciated and loved. Then, I went straight to our Leadership Training Seminar. It was sooo successful. All good comments. I feel so glorious with all the good things that was happening lately.

And as I arrived home, I lost my phone - HOPEless already of getting it back. Then, I saw him getting back together with his ex - totally devastating. I feel soooo down right now. I feel betrayed and used. It would be better when he could have told me that they are trying to work it out again. At least, I would have not entertained him at all. So now, what is his intentions? What does his actions really do mean? I feel like I'm just a cover up of the misery of a fresh break-up. A satisfaction-giver of being the person he wished his GF could be.

I really can't believe he just hurt me. I was so transparent with him. I may not have said I liked him but I do try to reciprocate his actions- because I sincerely mean my actions because I do like him, but I know it would be too early to reveal it. I always reply to him and would try my best to accept his invitations. I was there when he needed me.

My mind and heart is full of questions and demands of explanations. But for what? Para saan pa? I just thought, what if he would say he really likes me, then does that mean we can be okay? But no, he is already in a relationship. What if he says he don't like me, then I would cry my heart again and be mad at him even more? Either way, I am the loser in this battle. Clearly in the beginning, I was unarmored. I LOST.

Why is it the when good things just happened, bad things will start to find it's way? Why can't all things be okay?

I am trying to look into the bright side, but I really can't find the light. I am accepting the reasons, which are still not clear, behind all of these. But why can't I be happy in love? Why now? When I have opened the possibilities of entrusting myself completely?

I REALLY DON'T DESERVE THIS. Madaya naman.. All I want is to be happy in love, but I keep on being hurt every single time. I am really losing it.

Everything will be okay, IN TIME.

BRUISED

Peripheral Eye View is part of the vision that occurs outside the center gaze. It enables us to see our surrounding without even twisting our heads. It is human's secret weapon and shield.

But yesterday, I wished I was crossed-eyed.

I was in a very excruciating situation - you wanted to not notice things around you but you can't, because it still registers at the side of your eyes; you wanted not to hear things around you, but that noise stands out; you wanted to not feel pain, but the fact you know it's there, you can't just not never mind it. I wanted to escape, but there were no exits.

And that excruciating situation made me strengthen my stand. Because that very "view" proved me of a relationship that I can't afford to destroy. A love that, yes, I envy but I am glad it is theirs. A loving relationship that I can't have - definitely accepted.

I heard stories which prove that I was nobody. I was not special because he is naturally that way. Knowing my personality and point of view, I would have cursed him to hell. But I can't, because I still believe and trust in the kind and sweet friend that I found in him.

I closed my eyes. Sleep. Opened my eyes. Woke-up.

I am happy, I am supposed to be happy. I might have bruised my heart again for NTH TIMES already, but hey! Remember, just a bruise. At least I know now where to pass to avoid getting tripped again.

"hindi ka man laging masaya, lagi ka naman MAGANDA <3" -Vea Valenzuela

SPOTTED

Peripheral Eye View is part of the vision that occurs outside the center gaze. It enables us to see our surrounding without even twisting our heads. It is human's secret weapon and shield.

But yesterday, I wished I was crossed-eyed.

I was in a very excruciating situation - you wanted to not notice things around you but you can't because it still registers at the side of your eyes; you wanted not to hear things around you, but that noise stands out; you wanted to not feel pain, but the fact you know it's there, you can't just not never mind it. I want to escape, but there were no exits.

And that excruciating situation made me strengthen my stand. Because that very "view" proved me of a relationship that I can't afford to destroy. A love that, yes, I envy but I am glad it is theirs. A loving relationship that I can't have - definitely accepted.

I heard stories which prove that I was nobody. I was not special because he is naturally that way. Knowing my personality and point of view, I would have cursed him to hell. But I can't, because I still believe and trust in the kind and sweet friend that I saw in him.

I close my eyes. Sleep. Opened my eyes. Woke-up.

I am happy, I am supposed to be happy. I might have bruised my heart again for NTH TIMES already, but hey! Remember, just a bruise. At least I know now where to pass to avoid getting tripped again.

"hindi ka man laging masaya, lagi ka naman MAGANDA <3" -Vea Valenzuela

BOTHERED

LOVE IS NOT A FEELING, RATHER, LOVE IS A COMMITMENT.

-Kendra Duran

RIGHT

Have you ever got close, very close, with someone who is in a relationship? Have you ever been teased or linked with those kind of guys? Have you ever felt confused of his intentions? Have you ever felt bothered with all the confusions?

He is in relationship, a one-year relationship already. When we met, I am already aware that he is taken. I was not attracted to him by any chance but I felt a comfort of having him as a close friend. Our relationship SHOULD be professional, because we are both members of Central Board of Presidents. But I was not aware that we have gotten so close already that others have noticed it. I am completely not bothered by it because I know I am not crossing any boundaries, and I know, he doesn't as well.

Recently, their relationship is having conflicts and problems. He ran to me for advice, and I gave him comfort. All the advices that come out of mouth were to save their relationship. The same time of their rocky relationship, we were enjoying each other's company. Just enjoying. Then one day, I checked on how their relationship was doing, and then he told me they were already okay. And he owes me what happened. He was grateful for my advices. But I was not.

WRONG

When I knew they were already okay, there is this heavy feeling inside my chest, puzzling my mind that makes me weak. Was I hurt? Why?

"Do you like him?" I know I don't have to. It is wrong. And whatever my answer is, it wouldn't matter anyway. He is in a relationship - remember?

BUT.. I am comfortable with him. There is this certain comfort and safety I feel when I am with him. I am a super coward, and I am scared with road trips. But when he drives, I can fall asleep safe and sound.

My greatest obsession are pianists, and he is great at that. His voice can melt any girl's heart.

I always beg my friends to give me back massage and I love going to the spa. But he would just go after you, hold your back and give it for free.

He is such a sweet and caring guy. He can spoil anyone he wants to. If he insists to treat you, you can't even resist. He is the person that loves making others happy. I love it when my friends, especially guy friends, would spoil me. But with him, I hate it. I know it's weird but I like rejecting his kind offers. I like saying no to him. But I feel happy making him happier.

He aspires to be a doctor someday. And I fear any medicine-related things. Ironically, I find myself being with a doctor to overcome these fears. He smokes and I am hater. (Just saying)

He is a man of many opinions and I am idealistic. But in every conversation, we find ourselves agreeing with each other. I always felt being misunderstood but he just concedes when I reach my boiling point in an argument.

Everyone knows I am HOPEless romantic. And he as well loves happy-ever after endings.

Again, do I like him? It won't matter.

A friend told me, at least you know what is right from wrong. And I always go for the right, though I am not sure with what is there for me. I am on the right path now.

But I am going to explode any time and any moment from now. "Wrong" haunts me. Because the wrong thing assures me of a happiness that I have wanted for a long time now.

Knowing that their relationship is already stable, I created my distance. Not to create drama, but I know this is the right thing to do. I am certain my conscience is clear, but because all this sh*t feelings bother me big time, I have to take one step backward. This is to save THEIR relationship and to save MY HEART from being broken.

Prevention is better than cure.

CALL

PART I.

"Pare, I will be straight-forward. I LOVE YOUR BLOG!"

It was the gloomy day for my alter ego - this blog. It once again faced a controversy - it always do actually. I will not write down what had happened because I am certain that many are looking out for this new post. I did sound bratty, but I know they are there keenly waiting for this. Sorry to disappoint them, but I wont blog that nasty happening because I surely got the pot of gold with a friend's call.

(Wait for my anniversary blog, stalkers. You will get what you want. I PROMISE!)

His call made my night into a shiny day! It is true, when the heavens and the earth just fall down to you, someone will be coming to lift you up. And my PARE did. I kept myself from not feeling guilty that night, but I have to be honest, those comments affected me. Why? Because the "writer" is being accused of being a hater and not by being a friend. It was tough to battle the guilt with my conscience. But his call made me feel I am so right.

I FEEL SOOOO RIGHT.

He is my closest guy friend - that is how I described him to be. I sincerely missed him because we don't get to talk a lot lately. He was the first guy I felt comfortable with and I know he will stick with me through thick and thin. But things changed. We got our own priorities and stuff to get busy with. And I am happy with where he is now, and I know he feels the same way too.

HIS CALL. I now had a first-hand experience with "it is when you're in deep trouble that true friends will come running." And he did. He just said all that I need to hear to bring down all those tears.

You may have a lot of friends backing you up and cheering for you, but it feels greater to have those true friends who sticks with you because you are right. And when they comfort you silently in times you don't publicly beg them to.

-----------------------

PART II.

I gained another guy friend last week and lost him last night.

He is an awesome guy. Independent on his young age, he earns his own money to pay his needs and debts. Cool and laid-back personality that every person would love to hang out with. He can be anyone's best friend. And I have to say he has a great singing voice. Actually, I admire him, especially his personality. Who would not?

He is in a complicated relationship. He loves her girl so much but they could not work it out.

And so I came in the scene. We became chatmates, textmates, phonemates, etc! We just talk everyday. Our communication suddenly became a summer habit. I would never deny the fact that I enjoy his company, especially when my summer is getting boring and bum.

So last night, he confessed he likes me - and there is where we end. I don't know what came into me but I just did not like that truth. From the start, I was feeling that he was already getting attached but I don't want to jump into conclusions yet, because I trusted him that he wouldn't be the boyfriend-who-found-another-girl-while-they-are-not-in-good-terms. I made a very bold move, I just automatically decided that we don't talk - forever?

I did say some mean words to him last night and I do apologize. The mean HOPE was triggered because he was the normal insisting boy that he is, which really makes me annoyed. When I said, he was disrespectful, I stand with it. He did not respect the fact that he has a girlfriend. Maybe they are not in good terms but he is still in a relationship. Respect for me too. He should have stopped himself from thinking he likes me or feeling that way because he already knows me. He knows that I wont like this kind of drama to happen. And he should not let me be dragged as a reason for a more complicated relationship.

I feel guilty because I might have gave him reasons to fall for me, but all I wanted was someone to talk with. He came and he even understood me more than anything else.

But I was thinking, maybe he just missed the idea of having a girlfriend. I just wish he just agreed when I said that.

Honestly, I don't want to lose him. This day is another beginning of a lonely summer because I just lost the only person interested to hear my voice and spend 3:00am's on phone. But sometimes, we just have to let those things that make us happy because we know it would be a huge mistake sticking them around.

And there, I just made the quickest decision of letting go of someone. Mean yet mature.

BREAK-UP

Everything in here are opinions that don't matter but realizations that cuts through.

There is a couple who are good friends of mine, who became close to my heart The girl was already a friend, while the boy became one because of the girl. They are one of the most coveted boy and girl in our college, both good looking with outstanding personalities. They are indeed a power couple.

I spent time with them everyday, that is why I can claim that I was a witness of their love. With my own eyes, I saw how the boy is so in love with the girl and how the girl in return appreciates the guy. Their sweetness kills me so much but I just couldn't be so happy when I see how they give love back at each other. That sometimes I say to myself, I want my relationship to be this way too.

The girl is more famous than the boy, and her personality is more overpowering that overpowers as well their relationship. I have seen how supported the boy was. He was always at the shadow of the girl, behind the curtains, waiting afar , so proud of her girlfriend. He was understanding- that is the truth no matter how she denies it. Sometimes it irritates me when the girl complains when the boy is getting clingy. But who am I to be affected?

Sadly, their relationship ended just a month ago. It was a huge drama and turmoil for everyone. They were both my friends, so when I knew that they were having problems, I don't know whom to first listen with. But I know for sure, he has done nothing to hurt her. Why? Because he loves her so much that leaving her is not an option. As I have listened to the whole story, that until now hasn't ended really, I am pissed off of how things have changed and how a fool she was.

I didn't forced myself to be with the boy all throughout his heartaches, but he needs someone, he needed us- his friends. We heard his anger but deep down those anger is pain - we can feel it. We couldn't control his bitterness because there was a basis. He has the right to. And sometimes, his bitterness would be so true that you can attest to it because you saw it with your own eyes. Sometimes, it would kill me to see the guy crying his eyes out and all he can do is punch something to let it all out. It was painful.

I love her, she is a real friend. But I have learned to love the boy as my close friend too. I am not in the position to take any sides, but with what happened I am on his side and will be in his defending team.

She might have personal reasons that I don't know yet, but what she has done is really unacceptable. She might be crying herself to sleep that we don't witness, but how can she even have the guts to look so happy infront of everyone when she just broke her relationship? Nice pretensions that is. She left him on his knees , with a bruise on his cheek and heart, and went away holding hands with this rich-not-good-looking-guy.

(Well, I apologize for judging the guy, but who would blame us who don't know him but makes an impression that he's a relationship wrecker. He knows she is taken, and there he goes with his invites for dinner, how educated of a Thomasian. He should know his limits if he is a real man)

This just in: the girl sent the boy a message containing how she have thought of how much she is missing. The he was the best she ever had and that she is asking for forgiveness though she can't bring back the past.

Seriously, is that the girl everyone is looking up to? After all the pain she caused the boy? Not only the boy, everyone around her who believed in her that she can't even kill a fly. Didn't she even realized that it is not just the boy's heart she destroyed, but his family's trust and love for her. Even us, her friends, trusted her so much but she also lied to us. And she can't even look straight into eyes when it's clear and visible that she is flirting with a new guy.

Don't everyone hate it when people just realize someone's worth when it's all gone? Stop me. People know it but they just got used to having that person around that they take them for granted. That they fool around and brags that they will still have that someone to come back for. Well, everyone has their own deadlines, people get tired.

---

TAKE IT ALL by Adele

Didn't I give it all? Tried my best, Gave you everything I had, Everything and no less, Didn't I do it right? Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too used to, Having me around, Still, how can you walk away, From all my tears? It's gonna be an empty road, Without me right here,

GRATEFUL

Today is my 20th birthday! :) I always love celebrating my birthday. For me, this the most special day in the year :) Besides the gifts, greetings and surprises, I feel special because another year has gone by and I am certain there will be another year ahead. I AM GRATEFUL :)

But this year, I have exit the "teen" stage in my life. OMG! It feels awful because it is true now that I AM NO LONGER A KID! I can't play and fool around anymore. And I now feel that I have to be totally social responsible and be a responsible citizen of the Philippines. It is really hard to accept especially with my personality being a happy-go-lucky girl. I wish I could be a young forever. And as the song goes, I WANNA BE FOREVER YOUNG.

ACCEPTANCE it is. As I reflect my first day in my 20 year of age, I feel so matured, intellectually and emotionally. I still feel excited of how is it in the "REAL" world. Soon, I will be sitting with my uncles and aunties in our family occasions and everyone will be calling me with Ms. or Ate. Also, soon I will be facing the "jungle" of professionalism alone. It makes me worried if I am ready of acting always matured and responsible, but with the 20 years of learning in life, I think I can.

20 years it has been that I have felt lonely and unlove during my birthday because i have no partner in life who is obligated to make surprises for me. But, it is still awesome because my friends are obliged to make me happy, and it is 10x the fun! I am truly grateful and wouldn't ask for more. I do have lots of regrets, disappointments and wish-I-could-be's in life, but I am truly CONTENTED in life. I don't need a man to make me special in my special day, because I am extremely happy being loved by a lot :)

GOT THE BEST GIFTS = SWEEEEEEETS! :))

All that I am asking for = GRANTED! ;)

(Though I still he comes.. soon!)

ELECT

"PRESIDENT-ELECT OF CTHM STUDENT COUNCIL A.Y. 2011-2012"

Do I really want this? What did I even entered in? Is this fate or martyrdom? Am I deserving?

Those are your questions, and don't worry, those are mine too. I can defend myself in ways possible, but will they be enough? Well, I don't know. I am not the BEST, and even if I will say I will try to be, it won't happen. I can push myself farther than my limits but reaching someone's expectations, those I can't. I am to be a leader who does not satisfy other's expectations but doing the right things for right reasons.

I know I am entering something deadly, but I am in for blood. But definitely, I am a student who knows how to surrender and rest. Many are staring at me, awaiting for my failure, but I am to raise my head high, armed with those who trust me.

I am grateful with the good lucks, but what I definitely need is the consistency of support. I don't need friends in this battle, but responsible people who knows their time and task.

I am a student before a leader but I am always a STUDENT LEADER :)

USED

BE THE BETTER PERSON, ALWAYS.


I am willing to forgive a person, regardless of the gravity of mistake done, but what is truly the hardest thing to do is FORGETTING. Like the common phrase, it's easy to forgive than to forget, I too have hard times forgetting the things that had happened in the past. If that is a flaw, then I am sorry but I can't change that trait of mine easily. Well, I think there is nothing wrong with it because it keeps me cautious that things might happen again. Things may have worked out again but trust has "rust" in it once you've "dirtied" it.

If there was one person in my 2010 that I should be so angry with, it would be that person who keeping coming back just to crush my heart. But I made sure with myself that as I end 2010, I have left him there. But he came again with no reasons. I am too smart to entertain him again. I accepted the friendship and conversations, only because I want to prove to him I AM OKAY. I have left all my bitterness, forgave him without him asking for it, and I don't take him seriously right now. I am sincere with the friendship or "textmates-ship"- but that's just it. Nothing more, nothing less. Honestly, I enjoy talking with him and listening to him, but it is all fun, no romance now.

Take note: I am so cautious that I seem to be paranoid. Noone can blame me even him, because he hurted me. What sucks, he doesn't know and he is not guilty of it. In this time, where school issues are starting to boil intensely, I use my brain. If there are people telling me chismis, he can't blame me if I easily believe in them. He came without saying his intentions and here came hear-says from trustworthy people - then there is nothing I have to apologize for.

I am sorry for being to judgemental and shallow to have suspected him to be using me for their party. But now, I take back those apologies because I am being blamed of being rude. I will never agree when he says I was never nice with him. All this time, I have been kind and understanding to him. After all the heartaches, I am here trying my hardest to talk to him like nothing has happened before. Maybe the reason why I am still nice to him is because I still believe that deep inside he can't hurt me. And up to now, I know he knows I am too good to deserve to be hurt.

It sucks that up to now, he is still the topic of my blog entries. I just feel soo down to be accused and still be forgiving to a person. I just don't want to kick him out of my life because I want this year to be just positive. It is killing me that 2011 is just starting and something is just not right and ruined.



KEEPING MY POSITIVISM.