2011
What really happened: I did but I became the rebound girl.
Got heart broken and hospitalized. Got a fear of love til the year ends.
2012
What really happened: Got so attached with the fun, free
college life and had a hard time adjusting with the real world. Lowest
self-esteem because of job hunt difficulty. Self-doubting and crisis because I wasn’t genuinely
happy.
It seems like my year prediction happens the complete opposite
way that I hope it does. My prediction has no scientific or astrological basis,
rather all were just based from how I just want the upcoming year to be. And I
guess, there’s nothing wrong with being so positive for the year ahead.
But a friend told me, which hit me real hard, that these are
all because of personality issues. I know that I am the kind of person who
likes to plan things always. There’s nothing wrong with planning anyway. But as the old saying goes - too much of everything
is not good. And in my case, as I always
plan for things, I become so stiff. Well, I am open with impromptu adventures, sudden
changes, and uncontrollable conflicts, but I just don’t go with the 'flow'. I
just don’t really want to go with the 'FLOW'. I don’t want to be that person who
just stand and/or sit there and let the waves take me to where my 'fate' is. I want to
have control with my decisions so I won’t regret anything. I always set my
goals - goals for a year, 5 to 10 years! Yeah, that’s how advance I think. And
that, my friends, is my problem..
I am not a people-pleaser nor a perfectionist. I am just
afraid of making mistakes. Who doesn’t? I mean, why would you do something
when you know is wrong from the start? I fear doing something bad because I
believe in ‘karma’. It’s not like I
haven’t sinned in my life, but I always put pressure in myself to always be the
best, when in fact, I just can’t be.. I really can’t be. So, with all the
pressure from the responsibilities I voluntarily accepted in my student life, I thought it
will all bring something good for me in the future. It did. Academic and leadership
award, intangible honor, good resume, proud parents, etc. But that unexplainable ‘7th-high’
feeling from these fruits of hard work was short-lived.
As I evaluate myself – I am not happy.
I am not experiencing any MMK-level-of-drama problem in my life those
times, but I felt rock bottom. I was at my lowest the latter part of 2012. I
smile and laugh each day but that thing called – GENIUNE happiness was missing.
We have our own definition of things, and the way I define GENIUNE HAPPINESS is feeling before you sleep, even after a very exhausting day, you feel
fulfilled on how your day’s work; and as you wake up, no matter how long your
to-do’s are, you still feel excited for the stressful day.
I don’t know what’s
wrong with me. I keep asking myself..
What is missing? What do I need? What do I want? Is there
something I need? Am I too greedy for not feeling contented? Is it my work? Do
I just miss my college life? Should I go back to school and study again? Will a
boy make me feel happy? How do I become happy again???
It’s getting crazy
every night. Yes, my job isn’t my dream first job and I still don’t feel efficient
enough, but there are daily reminders, from people or things around, for me to be grateful of my job because I
am in for huge opportunities. If this is because I haven’t had any boyfriend or
been the unlucky one in love, well I don’t have that urgency to go out, mingle, find
an inspiration and flirt. I love being single (for the now). Studying isn’t a choice for now
because I need to rest my brain and my parents’ pocket for some time. I still
need to figure out the career/industry I want to focus on because I don’t want
to screw up my Masters, as how I 40% regret my bachelor’s degree. I try
spoiling my self with material and edible things, but those weren’t enough and I even end up regretting the weight I gained.
STOP THINKING OF HOW TO BE HAPPY. JUST BE HAPPY.
How do you BE happy? – lame, annoying question. But after
some lone time of thinking about this question, I think I have come up with a good
realization. My friend is right, I just have to stop hurting myself with
questions of how’s. It’s not that I stop being the
I-always-plan-over-analyze-things version of me, but I just have to go and do the
things I instantly think will make me happy. I have to learn to take some risks
even though I haven’t figured out yet the consequences after. I have to take
that leap of faith, enjoy the moment, and if the end is regretting, accept the
consequences, don’t do it again and move forward. At least, I was happy, though
temporarily, well at least I learned. As I realized, I am old enough to stand up for my own mistakes. I am not that kid anymore who should be afraid of getting scolded by my parents. I really need to step out of my comfort
zone, explore the strange world and find things I might enjoy. The right term
is TO LOOSEN UP!
The above are so easy to say. And the year has just started,
so I am feeling every bit of excited again for my year. But this year I wont
have any predictions, rather a ‘note to self’ kind of thing.
I really HOPE & pray that 2013 will be big bounce back
year for me and to everyone. I got plans for 2013 but whatever happens or will
not happen, I say – BRING IT!
Disclaimer: I am already OK by now. Still not genuinely happy,
but I have already let go my worries.
2013 - What I want to happen: I WILL BE MORE FEARLESS.
