"In you, LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, LORD, my faithful God."
- Psalm 31:1-5
Five years ago, I heard the gospel in its truest form and placed my faith in Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. I can't remember the exact day but every single week for few months, when we were asked to pray the sinner's prayer, I would join in surrendering my life to God. It took me a year to publicly declare my commitment in Jesus Christ and my renewed faith being born again by the grace of God. (full testimony)
It felt like a honeymoon phase. I had that deep thirst to know Him more, to find my worth in Him and to learn how to love Him back. I became preoccupied with God matters - serving Him in different ministries, actively involving myself in discipleship group, leading my own discipleship group, putting up workplace bible studies, attending any seminar or event for me to learn and worship, and was at my most consistent in quiet time.
Five years later, I was as broken as I was before I met Christ. This has got to be the most challenging season of my life. Honeymoon stage is over now; I have entered a "dark valley". It was a long journey that lasted over a year. (bits & pieces of it here)
Discouraged, anxious, defeated and scarred. I invested a lot in worldly matters that I let it affect my discipleship, worship and intimacy with God. I had the toughest battle with my stronghold in the flesh and the lies through people I don't have any bad blood with. I took a break from all the God matters, I caved in.
God didn't take everything away from me like Job (praise God!), but I was in so much despair like King David. Like that night 5 years ago, as I cry myself to sleep, pleading God for peace while not making sense of words coming out of my mouth, He reminded me of the life of King David - a man after God's own heart. He is regarded as one of the most faithful man in the Bible, but he was also tested, wandered in the wilderness, and stumbled because of his flesh. In 1 Samuel 22, when the dispute between Saul became unbearable, he feared and caved in. He hid to rest from the troubles outside. He kept escaping. He kept inquiring God if Saul is still after his death, God said yes. And yet, he remained steadfast. In his little ways, he even saved the city of Keilah (1 Samuel 23). When Saul was already delivered to him vulnerable, he didn't take advantage. He remained faithful (1 Samuel 24).
And there is the life of Onesimus, little known Bible character in the book of Philemon written by the Apostle Paul. With only one chapter, this book is a powerful book of forgiveness, redemption and love all because of Jesus. The Apostle Paul asked Philemon to accept Onesimus back - a former slave who betrayed Philemon and ran away to cross paths with Apostle Paul. Philemon being a known believer, Apostle Paul had that confidence for reconciliation as it is expected being anchored in Jesus Christ. Although, I saw more of myself in Onesimus, on how he was described in the book.
"Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back forever— no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a fellow man and as a brother in the Lord"
- Philemon 1:15-16
Perhaps, the reason why I had to be attracted with someone I don't share the same faith with is to realize that I will not experience that true love and joy with an unbeliever. Perhaps, the reason why I had to face persecution at work is to learn to stand firm with integrity. Perhaps, the reason why I had to face conflict in the ministry is to grow my humility before God and others. Perhaps, the reason why I had to surrender my ministry work is to clear my heart again knowing that it should be for Him and nothing else. Perhaps, the reason why I had to face so much anxiety is to mature in my pursuit of God.
Still, I don't know the exact reason/s. My biggest takeaway from this dark valley is that our walk with God isn't so much about understanding, rather about embracing God's will. We will never know God's will for every single thing He allows to happen in ourselves, we are called to accept them knowing who He is - especially that He is good all the time. Perhaps, this will not make sense now or never make sense at all in my lifetime, but it is all right! What is enough is that God loves me so much and I would rather rest in that love than in the enemy's or the world's lies.
So after four years, I publicly declared my commitment with God through water baptism. The scars are there, trauma still kicks in. However, I am at a point of desperation to obey God at all cost. I decided to do it in the same retreat as it was important that my spiritual family, who has been so instrumental in my healing, are there for accountability.
Entering a new chapter wherein I have a better understanding of what it takes to follow Jesus. Without going through the dark valleys, I will not have a better appreciation of the Lamp upon my feet. All those lies I faced gave me a better grip of this two-edged sword Word of God. And, I discipleship means so much more to me now. It's definitely sweeter the second time around!
I don't know how long this chapter will be - I hope for longer better days. But life has bad days and that is fine. Life has got to imperfect to be dependent on a perfect God. If I fail again, I guess I should know better? Hopefully!
"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
- 1 Peter 1:6-7
All from and for Him.
