STEADY MY HEART SERIES (Part 3)

The story goes on. Well, I was well briefed that it's an incurable condition or just a controlled one. But what I wasn't ready for was how it's getting more and more complicated. Complicated in a sense that in only a few months, more complications arise.

Symptom: 
A month ago, in a retreat again, my blood pressure shoot up to 150/80 while I was just sitting comfortably and listening to a sermon about the Cross at 8pm. I forgot my meds (again) and unwillingly, became a  burden once again to my siblings in Christ. I went to see my doctor after 3 months of hiatus (which should be a monthly check up) and there she concluded that I'm not getting any better despite my medications. So, I underwent new lab tests again to check if there were further complications in me.

Results: 
I have multiple polyps in my gall bladder but are not so critical nor malignant. Although, the growth needs to be closely monitored or else my gall bladder should be removed. Next diagnose was I have an alarming high level of cholesterol. This was a surprise because few months ago, my cardio concluded it was manageable then and that my hypertension is from high level of salt. So I controlled my salt intake and took my meds regularly. It must be noted as well that I have fat burning activities because I do intense workout weekly.

Prescription: 
Maintenance medicines increased to 4 (from 1 to 3 to 2) and a strict instruction to avoid high-cholesterol food for 3 months. Let me break down this heartbreaking news. As I have mentioned time and time again, I have a huge fear on anything medical related that I grew up, spending 25 years of my life, resisting taking meds. Both a deliberate choice and proven illness. I am not a fatty or oily food eater, although I confess having obsession on icecream, pizza, cream-based pasta, eggs and fried chicken. And all these fall on the prohibited list. How heartbreaking.

Treatment: 
It has been 7 months since God gave this "torn in my flesh." I must say, without His all sufficient grace, I would have blustered and sank myself in pity again. My bible verse in this area of my life, 2 Corinthians 12:9, has kept my on my feet and faith. Worries and doubts sneak in me, but it's really true that when you make His double-edged word your weapon the battle ends right away. (Hebrews 4:12)

It's true that it's easier said than done. I am just on day one of abstaining on my well-loved food and indulging on my most hated thing, and it might really get tougher as the day goes. I will never know the temptations ahead and when or how my flesh will tickle me. Although, this I believe (and encourage you reading this), our God is sovereign and good all the time. He has the perfect control of my (our) situation that I rested in the fact that this is from Him and it's all for my good. This kind of peace is something I won't trade for lies of the evil one.

I also have a new appreciation for Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who live Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Emphasis on the "who have been called according to His purpose" - my situation could be a huge surprise to many, especially my childhood friends who knew how vulnerable I am on medicines or hospitals. That exactly overwhelms me to have another life testimony of God's faithfulness. It is a humbling journey so far and it feels like it going to take longer or a lifetime. So I'll keep writing and sharing to make the most out of this huge opportunity of bringing Him glory.


All from and for Him.

MY TESTIMONY

Just the other night, I was feeling nostalgic of my retreat experiences to the point that I stumbled upon my testimony posted on our ministry's website which was plucked out of this blog. Although those were all true, there were still parts of my life that wasn't captured because it briefly narrated my encounter with God going through the retreat. So, I decided to complete the story of God's amazing work in my life - all for His glory. 

I am your typical goody-two shoes kind of girl. I grew up in a conservative and sheltered family. We live an average life that motivated me to be goal-oriented at a young age. Youngest of two kids, whose older sister I was in constant conflict with. I am always pressured to be the "good daughter" because my sister was like the "prodigal one". I embraced these expectations that I turned to me to a model student people look up to, succeeding academically and in student affairs. In general, I feel like I was an "excellent person" that I deserve only the good things in life. But truth be told, I had dark sides: I got involved in homosexual relationships with my exposure in an exclusive girls school, cheated so many times and ways, blatantly disrespected my parents, and hurt countless of people. 

Growing up, I know God as the Creator and Lord to whom we are supposed to pray to. Going to church, doing religious rituals and praying became mandatory at home and school, and not something I'd do joyfully on my own. And as I age, the more I knew less of God and do less of the rituals, thinking I am doing well in life.

Things started turning around when I graduated in college since school was my comfort zone. I was excited for it because it was like breaking free from all the pressure from my parents and live my life in my own term while proudly believing I'll be successful. But it didn't go my way. I had a hard time finding a job and eventually settled in a career that is totally out of my league. I started compromising my values and lived the opposite that people remembered me for. Although there were no drugs or vices, it's still a squandered life without any purpose or direction.

And the biggest compromise was my first relationship with my officemate. He wasn't my type at all and it was really just the ridicule from people around us that lured me to him. Add to that my year-long desire for a serious relationship, since I was NBSB then. I settled for the no-label kind of relationship, sacrificing my purity, and made him my world. My hopeless romantic self blinded me from the fact that we are not compatible even if we fought everyday. The relationship really suck everything out of me and I knew with him too. So, after a year, he broke with me on Facebook (by just changing his status). I felt the my world shattered. My parents weren't around, I was battling a broken relationship with my sister, I felt unmotivated at work because I still see him there, and basically everything was just crashing down on me.  I was depressed for months that I always wonder how can someone simply hurt and leave me like that? Don't I deserve a decent break-up, or even more, a decent relationship? I felt ugly, pathetic, disrespected and worthless. I tried exploring many ways to recover - climbed mountains, go out of town, eat out (but still losing lots of lbs), and reinventing myself.  All these to prove that I can do this on my own. But none of these work.

One of those consecutive nights of hopelessly crying in my dark room, I whispered like a prayer, "Lord, hindi ko na kaya. Help." Days after a friend of mine, Richel, who attends CCF, was going through a break-up and we would encourage each other. She invited me to one Sunday Service and there I met the real Jesus Christ of the Bible.

Looking back, at that time, I know I just met Him and not accepted. Although, I was already plugged in a Dgroup, striving to read the bible and consistently attending worship service, I still have doubts and hesitations. Doubts like: am I really saved by faith alone? I am such a dirty lady, how can I ever be forgiven? I feel out of place in this Christian community. I can't live this "clean" life always.

But God is a God who pursues. He pursued me for a year, slowly showing me the abundant life He promised. He blessed with a career I am motivated at, He surrounded me with a spiritual family who was patient with me, and He fed me with irrefutable truths through His Word. He showed me the exact opposite of the worldly relationship I had - saying, how can you turn your back on Me? So, I didn't.


So in the True Life Singles retreat in 2015, I fully accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. There I realized the power of grace and I am indeed a new creation in Him. I committed my life to the gospel that I am a sinner bound for hell, but God sent His only son Jesus to die for all our sins and resurrected after 3 days.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God." Galatians 2:20

Since then, my life has never been the same. It's not struggle-free and I'm not sin-proof, but I have this joy, peace, love and all the other things God promised that an abundant life has (John 10:10). This blog is only a glimpse of how "terribly" lost I was before Christ in 2014 and my pursuit to make Him known from that day forward.




All from and for Him.