ACCEPTANCE

ACCEPTANCE.

Acceptance is a virtue that doesn't require any form of doing inn the "physical sense" of the word, it's a chosen way of being. Choosing acceptance as your predominant way of "being" transcends the limitations of the intellect opening your eyes to the matrix of illusion that so many who find themselves caught in seemingly inescapable cycles of fear, doubt worry and anxiety "perceive" as being so real.

And for me, it is the hardest thing to do-- NOW.

Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that it's the only thing that could make you totally happy? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that it bothers you everyday? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that makes your heart beat fast everytime you'll be thinking about it? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, it became your only word? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you asked everyone you know for an advice? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you're willing to fight for it? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you're willing to wait for it for so long? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you just didn't get it?

I did.

I have been aiming for a thing for the longest time now. It's been three years that I have dreamt about it. It's been three years that I have waited patiently for it. It's been three years that I have been proving myself worthy of it. But it only took three minutes to tear it all away. It happened so fast that until now I couldn't grasp how it happened. So fast, that I haven't had a chance to fought for it.

Some would say, "Fight for it still! It's not that late." It's already late. I just couldn't appeal anymore. In my world, there are those insecure people that I have to please. Not because they mean something to me, but because I want to get rid of them by being nice to them.

And others would comfort, "Maybe it's not just for you." I think not, and I'm screwing my title for that. Meant-to-be is just a faux in life. A make believe of those who are just so scared to stand up for what they really believe and want. If something happened the other way you wanted it to be, and you'll blame it on destiny, you are a coward.

I don't believe in meant-to-be's but rather in made-to-be's. You make what is for you. Even if there are odds, you will still make an effort for it. It is when you stop, because you think it is not just for you, that you lose. There is where I lost.

I still think it is for me. I know it is for me. I believe I am for that. But I lost because of a person. And that's the painful part. How I wished that I lost because of the majority, it would made things easier to accept.

Few would say, "Everything happens for a reason. believe me, believe in God." I believe so, I believe in God's powers. But it still hurts the same right now. Maybe there is a better route for me take, but how can you take the pain of disappointment away? It is easy to say and believe that God has better plans for you, but is never easy to have prayed for it for the longest time and still not get it. It is never easy to take it all in when in fact you've proven yourself that you are worthy for it. It is more never easy to accept.

I did something that made me lost it-- I never fought for it when it just didn't came for me. But it's the question, that weren't you enough? Or haven't your efforts done enough?

Those who'll read this, "Stop it Hope! Move on dude!" I will bitch! It just hurts. It is painful, just so you know. But yes, it's been two days already, so I have to get over with it. It is easy to get over with something, but it is never easy to ACCEPT.

ACCEPTANCE is the point of it all. I'll get over with it, yes I will. I can get used to being "not in charge", yes I can. But it's the acceptance in the long run that you didn't get the part.

ACCEPTANCE. argh!! Why are you so difficult? Why can't we just meet?

I say to myself, "Cry HOPE. But you have to learn to accept, because you will never be open to the "great plan for you", if you'll not accept that "great plan that was made for you."

I think I sounded confusing, but I just don't want to write it all clearly because I know I'll be back reading this and it will be harder for me to accept.

Let me drown myself in pain and give me time to accept. 'Coz seriously, it is REALLY HARD.

IMPORTANT

1...

"Importante ka sakin Hope, ok?"

He said I was IMPORTANT. He said he would love to take good care of me. He said he would stay. He said he'll always be there for me. He said I was his ONLY HOPE. But he never said anything after that..



It's been days since we last talked. Actually a day, but I dont consider yesterday's a talk -- I texted, he replied, I replied, and then that was it. And it has been days that I have been bothered with our situation. If there is such a thing as US.



When he said I was important, I assumed. But who wouldn't? I like him. I really super mega to the nth power like him. So I held on to his words. I held on too much that I can't let go now.



--It has been 3 months since we had a connection and a lot had happened already. And I'm not in the mood to tell them all because what is happening NOW is what bothers me the most.



SEGUE: IMPORTANT

-im·por·tant (m-pôrtnt)

ADJECTIVE:
Strongly affecting the course of events or the nature of things; significant:

http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/important



Define busy, he is. I know he is busy. He is the UST-Central Student Council Treasurer. His position is no joke and I am completely aware of that. He is a 5th year Engineering student doing his thesis. And I know AGAIN that Engineering is a difficult course and making a thesis takes a lot of effort and time. He is a workaholic, as everyone would define him to be. And I like him for being who he is.



I know that it's a wonder for some why I would feel bad considering all that has been described about him. I know no one would really understand me when I say I am awfully hurt. So hurt that I'm crying while I'm typing..



Do you know the feeling when you are there for a person, patiently waiting, but he can't see you? You are waiting and giving a part of you but he declines? You are standing next to him but he would walk away? And he tells you, you are important?? And oh, that was through text..



We often see each other in school but we dont even say HI- he wouldn't even give a look. We are often staying in one place but we dont mind each other. Just last wednesday, he was standing next to me while I was being a VP, and my elbow touching his arms (because he is taller) was our only connection. I would text him a good morning or good night, in a time that I know he is awake, but he wouldn't send a reply. I would text him I am not feeling well or something bad just happened, and he would just say "Kaya mo yan!" and divert the story to him. We would go online at the same time but we wouldn't buzz each other. We would have our Facebook posts that a lot would Like or comment, except for us. So is this being important? Maybe in his definition, it is.



Maybe I expected or assumed too much. At least I recognized my could-have-been fault. But I am too drowned with his words. There are a lot of things to think about or to get busy of, but when you are all alone and doing nothing and you look at your phone, you'll be waiting for a text-- I am waiting for his..



It has been weeks since I had news about him, so I don't know what is happening with him. Maybe he is into crazy stuff that I am nowhere in his mind right now. (or was I even?) I have been into a lot of things lately and I needed someone. I needed him. I want him to be here for me. I long for his presence, his presence is more than enough. But he could not and he does not.. But I want to be there for him. I really want to help him with whatever he is into. I want to take care of him, be there when he needs a hug or not. But I cannot and I may not..

My friends' would hate me because I am still don't agree with them. They told me that I AM NOT IMPORTANT TO HIM. Because for them, if I am, these wouldn't be happening. Because if I am, he would spare time for me or even give me all his time and spare a little for himself. But I disagree with no reasons. I trust him - would that be enough to debunk their points?

Actually, he wants me to wait for him. But we never agreed to that because he said he would be there.

That's the painful part.. I trusted him and he kept me waiting..



With all the things I shared, nothing is for him. These are all for me to let out because I still want to understand him. And this is the one for him..

I MISS YOU.

START

at last! I have a blog already! :))

I'm 19 years old, and I have just started a blog.

How early? or.. Why so late?

Late. For the past years, when I have come to know about blogging, I just hate it. Because I know blogging and me are mortal enemies. I'm not a diary person. I'm too lazy for this stuffs. I hate exposing too much of me. I suck in composing things. I'm scared of being judged with what I have just wrote. I'm not creative that I don't know how to put style or those HTMLs that I still couldn't get on web pages. And it would either no one would read this or a lot would. And, I think this is corny.

But I'm in so much pain or joy that I need someone or something to share it with. And blogging is the easy solution for that.

Actually, I have always thought of having a blog when I feel so sad or so happy. But I just couldn't pursue it because I'm just TOO LAZY. How did I end up doing this?

**062210. Computer Lab, ALbertus Magnus Building, UST.
--Our computer class is like a free time for us to just browse the net. Unfortunately, the social networking sites are blocked. That day, we were doing a seat work and I was done already and I was bored. So I browsed and browsed.. I searched for my best friend's blog, http://www.bombastarr.blogspot.com/, and read almost all her blogs. I enjoyed reading and I envied. Without even thinking, I found myself signing up. And here I am, writing my starter.

Now that I'm in, I couldn't see an exit.

I'm just so ecstatic right now that I'm about to post this and a second post will come right away. in 10..
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