SUP 2014?

Lying comfortably on my bed with a hot chocolate drink at the side table, while TV is off but not quiet because of the booming fireworks outside, I am reflecting on the year that was. I am making a round up of the wonderful and not-so wonderful things, and hoping, upon all the sparks on the sky right now, for a better 2014.

ON LOVE 

Ofcourse I have to write about it first because it has been really the highlight of my 2013. I found the "love that is worth fighting for". And found myself doing all the crazy, cheesy and weird things for the relationship. Making it the highlight of my year wasnt bad at all because it made me extremely happy. It has messed up, for so many times, but thanks to my amazing boyfriend who never gave up on us. So many to say, but my previous post and IG post will tell more about it. 

ON FAMILY

My mom left for Qatar few months ago. I am left with my Tita and my Ate (border) at home and things have been very different. Most of the responsibilities, specifically on money management, have been thrown on me. It's quite a tough aspect but I am getting by. Maturity has really donned on me.

ON HEALTH 

I am very proud to have lost the weight I have been dreading in for so many years since college. I have been jogging (on good weathers&non lazy days haha) and exercising as much as I can. I have been controlling my sweet tooth and gave up on rice and dinner for most days. 

ON TRAVEL

I have been to Baler and La Union (twice) because of surfing! Surfing became my new interest for this year. The badass feeling of standing at the middle of the sea, pushing and balancing yourself up and having a successful ride back to the shore - totally amazing! Plus sharing this interest with your love interest makes it more fun. Also, I have been to Davao because of work -such an opportunity!

ON SELF

I spoiled myself on material things this year. This iPAD I am using right now, The Killers concert, clothes I just fixed, food trips and travels - were materialized because of my savings. I also spent of alone time to ponder on the miseries and wipe it out of blessings. I took risks based on selfish and selfless choices. My faith too a lie-low this year which I am sorry. There hasnt been a grand change this year, I have learned to go with the flow and enjoy the 2013 ride. 

So whats up, 2014? Who knows! I can only HOPE. 

ON LOVE.. Keep it stronger this year and for more years! Lessen the misunderstandings and push for more mature decisions. Make more meaningful memories with him is our goal together. 

ON FAMILY.. I am not quite sure when my parents will come back here in Manila. But what I can really do is to keep the house in order. 

ON HEALTH.. I swear on all the hot Victoria Secret models, I will be fit this year! The aim is to wear a bikini without hesitations. Stop all the lazy thoughts, kick myself out to jog and sweat more. Control the sweet temptations and eat green! Yeaaah.

ON TRAVEL.. Have more surf trips! Spend more weekends outside. Take roadtrips with friends. Which leads to my 2014 goal - travel internationally! Crossing my fingers.

ON SELF.. Keep improving - every year's note to self. To lay it down: make a career move -outward&upward. Bringing my old competitive leader-self in me. Take more risks but save up for the next years. 

It was a good ride. Like surfing, I have reach the shore again. Time to paddle up back to center of the ocean, wait for the best wave and push myself up, balance through and enjoy the ride. 

Hey 2014, you are bright! 

DARK

I hid in the dark, where this tablet gives me the only light, to hurt in silence. Darkness scares people a lot but I'd rather be here where noone sees me in pain.

This isnt supposed to be the next post to be published. But anything can happen. In one night, the happiness you are so proud to share to everyone will be your greatest misery. Thus, brings you to the dark.

You cant see anything but then you just tear up. It flows endlessly like how the heartache is unbearable. It consumes you.

In the dark, i remember the greatest love to ever happen. In the dark, i can see it tear apart slowly, hopelessly..

(cant finish)

Good girl, good year.

(Just before I sleep.)

Happy 1st year on my first job as a Marketing Assistant!

That year flew so fast that I didnt even notice that I've been paying taxes for a year already! Thank me, countrymen! Kidding aside. They say that time flies so fast either a) when youre enjoying what youre doing, b) youre too busy, c) it's just fast. All of the above applies to my 1st year.

Shameless, I know I am not in my dream first job. It's been crazy 5 months of job hunting before I landed this job a year ago. And for some, who dont know what I am up to, are maybe disappointed of the path I am taking. I doubted too. Yes, desperation. But one thing I learned in the past year is to trust the open roads. Take it and be positive about it.

I am proud to be an SMDC employee, but more than that, to be a Marketing professional in the making. I am in a real estate industry but I am surrounded with mentors who inspire me to discover the marketing world and actually consider it as my lifetime profession. Considering.

It's not too late to still have considerations. "Nothing is too late if you want it" Qoute that. I am still hopeful to work for an international charitable organization, embassy, events planner or anywhere! So much desires. And now, to be a Marketing professional is a big dream. I aspire to be that brilliant like our executives.

Well anyway, I have so much to say. The past working year has been mostly great and LOVELY. (Emphasis on lovely) Met the greatest guy - another story yet to be told. Been responsible of my earnings. Being independent on my luxuries. Been very awared. Knowledge and wisdom grew. And a whole more that made me better now because of this job.

I cant say how long I will stay or if I'll be celebrating my 2nd worksary in SMDC. Though, as long as you work with eagerness, sometimes you'll really hate what youre doing, just make it count. Hold on to it. Success, promotion and recognition in work is something you really must work on! Tasks maybe clerical and routinary, but learn to be grateful. Get your own discipline and make sure to standout.

1st note to self a year ago: BE ASSERTIVE. Always.

There, I sound so cheesy.

..shall sleep, work tomorrow! 

THAT LEFT

When one THING isn't going out so well in your life, you keep that HOPE that it will get better. When THINGS aren't going so well in your life, you still HOPE and hold on to that ONE great thing left. But when that GREAT THING keeps on falling apart, all that is left is HOPE. 

It's difficult to be dependent on something or someone for happiness. It's unfair, immature and dangerous. So now, I am choosing to suck it all in and focus on what my day needs to accomplish. When unhappy thoughts passby, hide and cry. Divert your attention. May it be boring, it doesnt matter, because happiness seems to be only temporary. 

"You are left alone, Hope. You'll get through it. Keep on accepting, thinking this is what you deserve. Better yourself, for yourself, if you think you deserve better." - self

ALONE.

Is just a lonely word. But for others, or maybe just me, it is comforting. The feeling of being all by yourself can either be crazy or calm. You only hear the voice of your own thoughts, you go where your eyes pull you, you do what satisfies you and you feel every emotion you seek for. 

"I want to be alone" - selfish and brave. 

You block those who want to be there for you and those crap. You only satisfy yourself in that moment and noone should even care. You can leave anything and get everything. It is an escape, it is a trap.

You get lost in a strange place and try to survivor. You are making a stand. You are your own protection. You get comfort from your inner positivism. You push and pull yourself in decisions. You see your best and worst. It is acceptance, it is temporary.

We all have our burdens to carry and sorrows to face. Some are too heavy. There is always a choice to make: to escape or to face it? to solve it or let it pass? to cry or to be positive? to be with someone or be alone? 

Choosing to be alone is not automatic. It just happens out of selfishness and bravery. I could swear, if I could choose to not be alone - I would. I love a great company. But still I leave. Leaving where the problem is and find my own peace without being in debted. 

I cant find the right words to explain and contain my emotions right now. I feel so down in every aspect of life. And even love,  is not enough for me or just not for me.  It sucks. I suck. Suck! 

Now that I am all alone, I find myself blogging in my comfort place. Realizations pass by so quickly. Regrets slowly kill me. Best and worst get a clearer comparison. But entering the familiar again is still scary. I still dont know if I can keep up to my decisions and if my actions will be right and enough. 

I am not a loner. Noone ever wants to be one. God and society wont let it. I am just troubled soul, weak and lost. That is why I want to save my ownself, fly away and be better. 

Save me? Or leave me?

As I turn 22

.. I proved that I dont look my age.

Time really flies so fast, that I can still clearly remember the birthday surprise from my SC loves - which failed only because I found out about it like an hour before. So fast but a lot has happened/changed in a year.

1. Graduated. With. Honor. Honor measured not by those medals, but fulfillment that I've been a good student.
2. Got employed and still employed. The latter is the best thing, considering I'm not perfectly qualified for the job.
3. Watched James Morrison perform live!!! Best night of my life esp when he sang You Give Me Something. One for the bucket list
4. Started wearing eyeglasses due to astigmatism. Now I'm badly dependent on it.
5. A loved one passed away.
5. Bought an iPad! My birthday gift for myself. - just yesterday
6.  Started die-riving. - just yesterday again.
7. Met new inspiring people at work.
8. Forgot about annoying people.
9. Eating healthier!
10. Still don't look my age.

When people are starting to ask me what's my age, I panic inside as I say the two-word number.

1. I have 8 more years before I turn 30!
2. And I haven't had a boyfriend ever!!!
3. I still want to study before my brain cells wither!
4. Get wet and wild, looking still young for it!
5. Havent saved up for THE future!!
6. Travel alone and have money for it!
7. I'm not in my dream job!
8. Dummy driver!
9. Ohhh, these baby fats are killing me!!
10. I'm friggin 22 and I dont look like one! That's a problem.

Nevertheless, there's no way I could stop time or travel back to my teen years (but if there is, reserve me a seat). I'm embracing my 22th year in this lovely world, HOPEful more than ever for better things that wait me.

Happy birthday to me!

I don't know about you but im feeling 22

Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you

You don't know about me but I bet you want to

Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22, 22 - Taylor Swift

http://youtu.be/AgFeZr5ptV8

FEARLESS 2013

2011

What I want to happen:  I will fall in love.

What really happened: I did but I became the rebound girl. Got heart broken and hospitalized. Got a fear of love til the year ends.

2012

What I want to happen: My year of fun.

What really happened: Got so attached with the fun, free college life and had a hard time adjusting with the real world. Lowest self-esteem because of job hunt difficulty. Self-doubting and crisis because I wasn’t genuinely happy.

It seems like my year prediction happens the complete opposite way that I hope it does. My prediction has no scientific or astrological basis, rather all were just based from how I just want the upcoming year to be. And I guess, there’s nothing wrong with being so positive for the year ahead.

But a friend told me, which hit me real hard, that these are all because of personality issues. I know that I am the kind of person who likes to plan things always. There’s nothing wrong with planning anyway.  But as the old saying goes - too much of everything is not good.  And in my case, as I always plan for things, I become so stiff. Well, I am open with impromptu adventures, sudden changes, and uncontrollable conflicts, but I just don’t go with the 'flow'. I just don’t really want to go with the 'FLOW'. I don’t want to be that person who just stand and/or sit there and let the waves take me to where my 'fate' is. I want to have control with my decisions so I won’t regret anything. I always set my goals - goals for a year, 5 to 10 years! Yeah, that’s how advance I think. And that, my friends, is my problem..

I am not a people-pleaser nor a perfectionist. I am just afraid of making mistakes. Who doesn’t? I mean, why would you do something when you know is wrong from the start? I fear doing something bad because I believe in ‘karma’.  It’s not like I haven’t sinned in my life, but I always put pressure in myself to always be the best, when in fact, I just can’t be.. I really can’t be. So, with all the pressure from the responsibilities I voluntarily accepted in my student life, I thought it will all bring something good for me in the future. It did. Academic and leadership award, intangible honor, good resume, proud parents, etc. But that unexplainable ‘7^th-high’ feeling from these fruits of hard work was short-lived.  

As I evaluate myself – I am not happy.

I am not experiencing any MMK-level-of-drama problem in my life those times, but I felt rock bottom. I was at my lowest the latter part of 2012. I smile and laugh each day but that thing called – GENIUNE happiness was missing. We have our own definition of things, and the way I define GENIUNE HAPPINESS is feeling before you sleep, even after a very exhausting day, you feel fulfilled on how your day’s work; and as you wake up, no matter how long your to-do’s are, you still feel excited for the stressful day. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep asking myself..

What is missing? What do I need? What do I want? Is there something I need? Am I too greedy for not feeling contented? Is it my work? Do I just miss my college life? Should I go back to school and study again? Will a boy make me feel happy? How do I become happy again???

It’s getting  crazy every night. Yes, my job isn’t my dream first job and I still don’t feel efficient enough, but there are daily reminders, from people or things around, for me to be grateful of my job because I am in for huge opportunities. If this is because I haven’t had any boyfriend or been the unlucky one in love, well I don’t have that urgency to go out, mingle, find an inspiration and flirt. I love being single (for the now). Studying isn’t a choice for now because I need to rest my brain and my parents’ pocket for some time. I still need to figure out the career/industry I want to focus on because I don’t want to screw up my Masters, as how I 40% regret my bachelor’s degree. I try spoiling my self with material and edible things, but those weren’t enough and I even end up regretting the weight I gained.

STOP THINKING OF HOW TO BE HAPPY. JUST BE HAPPY.

How do you BE happy? – lame, annoying question. But after some lone time of thinking about this question, I think I have come up with a good realization. My friend is right, I just have to stop hurting myself with questions of how’s. It’s not that I stop being the I-always-plan-over-analyze-things version of me, but I just have to go and do the things I instantly think will make me happy. I have to learn to take some risks even though I haven’t figured out yet the consequences after. I have to take that leap of faith, enjoy the moment, and if the end is regretting, accept the consequences, don’t do it again and move forward. At least, I was happy, though temporarily, well at least I learned. As I realized, I am old enough to stand up for my own mistakes. I am not that kid anymore who should be afraid of getting scolded by my parents. I really need to step out of my comfort zone, explore the strange world and find things I might enjoy. The right term is TO LOOSEN UP!

The above are so easy to say. And the year has just started, so I am feeling every bit of excited again for my year. But this year I wont have any predictions, rather a ‘note to self’ kind of thing.

I really HOPE & pray that 2013 will be big bounce back year for me and to everyone. I got plans for 2013 but whatever happens or will not happen, I say – BRING IT!

Disclaimer: I am already OK by now. Still not genuinely happy, but I have already let go my worries.

2013 - What I want to happen: I WILL BE MORE FEARLESS.