I am sorry. I'm sorry for breaking countless promises to keep you updated. I am sorry that it took me almost a year to open you up and write on you again. I am sorry that I'm here out of sadness and not happiness. But I hope my sincere apology is a good start to a comeback post.
This feels like a reunion with you, my well-trusted absorber, and the conversation begins with asking how are you - of which I answer with:
I got tired and discouraged.
I am no celebrity or public figure, but I felt like my life is being watched on, and worse, scrutinized. When I decided to follow Jesus Christ, I've been aware that in "everything I do, whether I eat or drink, I do it for the glory of God" (1 Cor 10:31). Although that is impossible without Him, I committed to that joyfully because I know He is with me on this renewed life. But what I wasn't prepared for, that I recently found myself hard to accept, is when the people you share the same faith watches on your every move and would have something to say on it - good and bad. At first, I embraced the culture of open rebuke as a way of loving. This may sound very contradicting, but I think I've been humble most of the time to accept, adjust and forgive.
I know we are all imperfect, prone to sin, including my spiritual family. I guess it's when we have reached that point of knowing right or wrong too much that hinders us from experiencing God's grace in transforming us. My maturity felt like it's on a tight grip of so many.
I got tired of people rubbing on my face "guard your heart." That in most cases I feel so naive but people see otherwise. This got me so insecure; I felt like I am not trustworthy enough.
I got tired of pleasing people by having such a joyful disposition. That by admitting I am not OK is such an alarming case for isolation.
I got tired of being always on my toes as I interact with men. That kindness should be controlled to avoid misinterpretation. When is kindness so wrong anyway?
I got tired of always talking about heart/romantic matters. That there are so many other important matters to discuss. I am bearing many other stuff that are often neglected or given priority.
I got tired of people jokingly offending others. That a good laugh would involve making fun of someone or making others look "ugly."
What am I doing?
I decided to disconnect on friendships and fellowships. This is probably one of the hardest decisions I made because I am such an extrovert and my ClifftonStrengths result affirmed that my major strength is being around people. Nonetheless, I've been laying low for 2 weeks and getting high quitely on rest - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
I love my spiritual family, I love my church. I love them too much that it breaks my heart to feel discouraged towards them. I hope they see deep in my heart I want to keep going and be the perky Hope, but I am just so drained. Too drained that I can't even stand up for my Dgroup downline - probably the worst effect. I have lost peace that made me feel so prone to deceits and temptations.
I am reading now the book of Jeremiah and I learned that he is known to be the "weeping prophet". Reading through the book, I do feel his sorrow over the sins of the Jews and God's inescapable punishment. Hope is always present indeed as God said towards the end. "For I have satiated the weary soul, and I have replenish every sorrowful soul." (Jeremiah 31:25)
This time of drought I find myself resting in the Lord. I know my insufficiency to love can only be restored by the One who can unconditionally.
So, I find myself going back to the things I enjoy the most before: reading, watching reality contests, cooking, being at home with my parents and blogging! I also found myself spending more focused time on my new work. I am also blessed with 2 adorable dogs wherein my love is being trained once again. I also got to connect with friends outside church who either knows God or not yet, but needs people who would encourage them.
I have colds now from crying awhile ago at our Sunday service. Wounds aren't healed yet, my heart is still exhausted. But I want to be back; I just want to serve God and I know that it entails me to love others as much as I love Him - moreover, as much as He loves me. That's hard for now, but I'll thrive and hopefully you'll hear that I am well and good soon.
"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken." Psalm 62:5-6
All from and for Him.
