LETTERS TO A #2

Dear Awesome,

How I wish I can tell you that I am so happy to witness you be annoyingly awesome facilitating the workshop for our retreat. You are gifted with public speaking and charm (ugh) to make sure the program run, not just smoothly, but also engaging. You were so candid, funny (but few jokes were off, but I'll let it pass), smart that-I-don't-even-have-to-say-it, and endearing making everyone actively participate. I don't know if you see my smiles, but my heart is beaming with joy to have a good view of how well you did on stage. 

How I wish I can celebrate with you to see God's faithfulness unfold in your life. Well, I am not aware of how you have been lately, but with what I see, it is worth praising God. You were made to speak truth, serve others and share Jesus - I believed in this long ago.

How I wish I can cheer you on more. This makes me cry every single time.. I might sound possessive but please hear me out; to have seen you walk through dark valleys with a heart filled with so much hope, I share that hope for victory as well. And we went through seasons of trial like at the same time, so hidden at the bottom of my heart, I hoped we taste breakthroughs together (separately) too. I want to affirm you (with so much sarcasm, of course) because I know you have that tendency to still doubt God and yourself. Whatever it is to help, how I wish I can lend a hand, ear and encouragement. 

I don't know how you think of me or if you even think of me. I absolutely notice and took note how you are not supporting my work for quite a while now. I know I am trying to clear my social media about you, but it hasn't lessen in any way my care for you. So maybe, you avoiding me is an indication that yours has lessened. This I fully accept. What is important is to see God's will come to pass for our lives because of our obedience. 

As tears seal this letter, how I wish I can tell you all these someday, somehow. Maybe or maybe not..

Sincerely,
Hope


All from and for Him.

LETTERS TO A #1

Dear Awesome,

I have a notebook with “You Are Awesome” cover dedicated for my prayers and thoughts about you. I started writing to God and you since October 2018, but prayers have started since Lebron Rocks was created. The cover fits you well, fits our faithful God, and our story I assume. You are awesome - my snob self has to admit. 

Today was rough. And tough days move me to write. Twitter is an option but my blog is more personal and special. I woke up feeling sad over choices I made that I hoped I never did. With so much pride, I had to own up to it but really, I am in misery. I miss you, Awesome. 

There are so many stories, so many questions, and so many moments I want to share with you. I miss your stories, your encouragements, and most of all, your annoying self. I’d rather be annoyed by you now than nothing, really. 

I am sorry for decisions I had to make. For not being there, for disappointing you (if I do, though). But I’ll continue to write so you know how awesome you are to me. And maybe, until the misery is gone. 

Sincerely, 
Hope


All from and for Him 

CONFESSION

I have a confession to make. A struggle that haunts, hinders and consumes me for so long. But allow me to start with a disclaimer of why I am opening up my long-running struggle.

Disclaimer: God said so. I have been trying to deal with this alone since day 1 of having it and wanting it gone. It was only when I listened to God's instruction of opening up that I felt the biggest relief. It is still there but I was more certain that it will get better. Secondly, I know there are a lot like me out there who opts to hide in their shame closets and who chooses to battle on their own. I don't think I have to share this on a larger public platform (i.e. church's pulpit); however, to you who stumbles upon this, your best option is God - nothing is greater than His redemptive work.

Truth is..

My deepest struggle is lust - in thoughts and actions. This is a shock for many, well don't worry because I am also surprised for myself. I think I have built well a goody two shoes image wherein lust will never be attributed to me. But I have been open with my sexually immoral first relationship that ended more than 5 years ago. This has become the testimony of my encounter and acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I regret it so much, if only I didn't have to go through it to meet Christ, I would find all means to do so.

With so much shame, 5 years into my walk, it is still in me. It still creeps in my thoughts on bad days. There are times that my flesh tickles on seeing pornography or even romantic images. There are times before I sleep or when I wake up that an unwanted sensation will be felt. There are times I want to be hugged or hug someone just because. There are times seeing a guy would make me panic for no reason. There are times I feel evaded and exploited easily just by mere compliment on my body, moreso, when I am touched by a man. There are times that scenes of the filthy past would flash before my eyes. There are times that I would cling on the thoughts longer than it should be, and worse. won't even be sorry about it.

This led me to be a man-hater/man-awkward girl. I thought that (most) men would be my fall on purity. Men are more helpless in controlling their fleshly desires. Even with "options" already, I found it hard to trust men because in reality, I can't trust myself either. I longed for someone who will lead me in purity, I held tight on this desire for *almost* 5 years.

Then, I failed myself and I failed Him the most.

I recently wrote about the guy, who didn't share the same faith, I opened up my heart with. I invested a lot in whatever we shared in the hopes he is on the pursuit of Jesus too. God knows best indeed when He instructed us not to be yolked with an unbeliever. I held more his words than God's, leading to my destruction. My church family didn't approve of him of course, so I cheated my way to knowing him more alone. The time we spent together (alone) unearthed the lust I struggled to bury in me. I was a total wretch. So hopeless.

The REAL Truth is..

Jesus suffered, was crucified, died, buried and resurrected for this sin as well. As He defeated the grave, He has shown that this lust - I thought I couldn't ever get rid of - is nothing on Him. He has overcome it. All of it. Every single time I fell, He paid for it. Wow. 

Surely he took up our pain

    and bore our suffering,

yet we considered him punished by God,

    stricken by him, and afflicted.

5 

But he was pierced for our transgressions,

    he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was on him
 and by his wounds we are healed.

6 

We all, like sheep, have gone astray,

    each of us has turned to our own way;

and the Lord has laid on him

    the iniquity of us all.

Isaiah 53:4-6

What I just said is very "Christianese" but there's no better way to tell the truth. Failure is something I fear - well, who likes it genuinely anyway? So, failing the nth time brought me to darkest valley of unworthiness, shame, guilt and suffering. Yet, God is still there alive in me. I can hear His whispers of assurance and discipline, I can feel His embrace of comfort, I can see His love through people who loves me. Then, I made a choice like the first time I placed my faith in Jesus. I chose to believe that by His wounds we are healed - past tense, done, it is finished. 

Yet again, realizing the healing takes a long time is a different story. Wounds have remained scars. Remaining in my flesh means temptation is still out there. What I did? I rested. I laid this heavy burden on the Lord to fight for me as He promised in Matthew 11:28. Faith moment by moment, resting moment by moment.

Truth now..

It has become more real to me now. The struggle is still there, maybe this is my thorn in the flesh; as it stings to make me so weak, I am being humbled to rely on God for strength. I learned to count the triumphs of moments I was able to escape the thought, from blocking the guy and other distractions out, and hours to days of purity. I sometimes slip a step back but at least I am making more steps forward. I learned to rejoice in hope. (Romans 12:12)

During the recent prayer and fasting week, I was so determined to settle this with the Lord. However, God has better plans - higher than our ways indeed. On the first night, He urged me to come to Him unclean, bearing all my "illnesses", with this lust on top of the list. Being exposed with imperfections was surprisingly comforting. Why? Because I learned to acknowledge even more that I don't have any power to do this on my own. All God. The next night He spoke to me of the "medications" with discipline and discipleship going in at first. As I thought that's the biggest breakthrough already, the third day's theme was all about "second chances". Our God is a God of second chances. Just check the book of Philemon for the story of Onesimus as one of the greatest testimony of redemption. Amazing. Too much grace. 

I am still on a high from the fresh encounter with the Lord again. That like Onesimus, as said by Paul, the reason I was taken aback was for a greater purpose of sanctification. For me to be molded even more, scratching off the rough edges, to experience Him more eternally eventually. (Philemon 1:15)

This isn't the end, for sure. The battle continues, thorn still stuck within, scars remain visible.. But Jesus died for me because He loves me regardless of it all. He loves me. 

10 

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 

Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Psalm 51:10-12

All from and for Him.