STEADY MY HEART SERIES (Part 3)

The story goes on. Well, I was well briefed that it's an incurable condition or just a controlled one. But what I wasn't ready for was how it's getting more and more complicated. Complicated in a sense that in only a few months, more complications arise.

Symptom: 
A month ago, in a retreat again, my blood pressure shoot up to 150/80 while I was just sitting comfortably and listening to a sermon about the Cross at 8pm. I forgot my meds (again) and unwillingly, became a  burden once again to my siblings in Christ. I went to see my doctor after 3 months of hiatus (which should be a monthly check up) and there she concluded that I'm not getting any better despite my medications. So, I underwent new lab tests again to check if there were further complications in me.

Results: 
I have multiple polyps in my gall bladder but are not so critical nor malignant. Although, the growth needs to be closely monitored or else my gall bladder should be removed. Next diagnose was I have an alarming high level of cholesterol. This was a surprise because few months ago, my cardio concluded it was manageable then and that my hypertension is from high level of salt. So I controlled my salt intake and took my meds regularly. It must be noted as well that I have fat burning activities because I do intense workout weekly.

Prescription: 
Maintenance medicines increased to 4 (from 1 to 3 to 2) and a strict instruction to avoid high-cholesterol food for 3 months. Let me break down this heartbreaking news. As I have mentioned time and time again, I have a huge fear on anything medical related that I grew up, spending 25 years of my life, resisting taking meds. Both a deliberate choice and proven illness. I am not a fatty or oily food eater, although I confess having obsession on icecream, pizza, cream-based pasta, eggs and fried chicken. And all these fall on the prohibited list. How heartbreaking.

Treatment: 
It has been 7 months since God gave this "torn in my flesh." I must say, without His all sufficient grace, I would have blustered and sank myself in pity again. My bible verse in this area of my life, 2 Corinthians 12:9, has kept my on my feet and faith. Worries and doubts sneak in me, but it's really true that when you make His double-edged word your weapon the battle ends right away. (Hebrews 4:12)

It's true that it's easier said than done. I am just on day one of abstaining on my well-loved food and indulging on my most hated thing, and it might really get tougher as the day goes. I will never know the temptations ahead and when or how my flesh will tickle me. Although, this I believe (and encourage you reading this), our God is sovereign and good all the time. He has the perfect control of my (our) situation that I rested in the fact that this is from Him and it's all for my good. This kind of peace is something I won't trade for lies of the evil one.

I also have a new appreciation for Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who live Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Emphasis on the "who have been called according to His purpose" - my situation could be a huge surprise to many, especially my childhood friends who knew how vulnerable I am on medicines or hospitals. That exactly overwhelms me to have another life testimony of God's faithfulness. It is a humbling journey so far and it feels like it going to take longer or a lifetime. So I'll keep writing and sharing to make the most out of this huge opportunity of bringing Him glory.


All from and for Him.

MY TESTIMONY

Just the other night, I was feeling nostalgic of my retreat experiences to the point that I stumbled upon my testimony posted on our ministry's website which was plucked out of this blog. Although those were all true, there were still parts of my life that wasn't captured because it briefly narrated my encounter with God going through the retreat. So, I decided to complete the story of God's amazing work in my life - all for His glory. 

I am your typical goody-two shoes kind of girl. I grew up in a conservative and sheltered family. We live an average life that motivated me to be goal-oriented at a young age. Youngest of two kids, whose older sister I was in constant conflict with. I am always pressured to be the "good daughter" because my sister was like the "prodigal one". I embraced these expectations that I turned to me to a model student people look up to, succeeding academically and in student affairs. In general, I feel like I was an "excellent person" that I deserve only the good things in life. But truth be told, I had dark sides: I got involved in homosexual relationships with my exposure in an exclusive girls school, cheated so many times and ways, blatantly disrespected my parents, and hurt countless of people. 

Growing up, I know God as the Creator and Lord to whom we are supposed to pray to. Going to church, doing religious rituals and praying became mandatory at home and school, and not something I'd do joyfully on my own. And as I age, the more I knew less of God and do less of the rituals, thinking I am doing well in life.

Things started turning around when I graduated in college since school was my comfort zone. I was excited for it because it was like breaking free from all the pressure from my parents and live my life in my own term while proudly believing I'll be successful. But it didn't go my way. I had a hard time finding a job and eventually settled in a career that is totally out of my league. I started compromising my values and lived the opposite that people remembered me for. Although there were no drugs or vices, it's still a squandered life without any purpose or direction.

And the biggest compromise was my first relationship with my officemate. He wasn't my type at all and it was really just the ridicule from people around us that lured me to him. Add to that my year-long desire for a serious relationship, since I was NBSB then. I settled for the no-label kind of relationship, sacrificing my purity, and made him my world. My hopeless romantic self blinded me from the fact that we are not compatible even if we fought everyday. The relationship really suck everything out of me and I knew with him too. So, after a year, he broke with me on Facebook (by just changing his status). I felt the my world shattered. My parents weren't around, I was battling a broken relationship with my sister, I felt unmotivated at work because I still see him there, and basically everything was just crashing down on me.  I was depressed for months that I always wonder how can someone simply hurt and leave me like that? Don't I deserve a decent break-up, or even more, a decent relationship? I felt ugly, pathetic, disrespected and worthless. I tried exploring many ways to recover - climbed mountains, go out of town, eat out (but still losing lots of lbs), and reinventing myself.  All these to prove that I can do this on my own. But none of these work.

One of those consecutive nights of hopelessly crying in my dark room, I whispered like a prayer, "Lord, hindi ko na kaya. Help." Days after a friend of mine, Richel, who attends CCF, was going through a break-up and we would encourage each other. She invited me to one Sunday Service and there I met the real Jesus Christ of the Bible.

Looking back, at that time, I know I just met Him and not accepted. Although, I was already plugged in a Dgroup, striving to read the bible and consistently attending worship service, I still have doubts and hesitations. Doubts like: am I really saved by faith alone? I am such a dirty lady, how can I ever be forgiven? I feel out of place in this Christian community. I can't live this "clean" life always.

But God is a God who pursues. He pursued me for a year, slowly showing me the abundant life He promised. He blessed with a career I am motivated at, He surrounded me with a spiritual family who was patient with me, and He fed me with irrefutable truths through His Word. He showed me the exact opposite of the worldly relationship I had - saying, how can you turn your back on Me? So, I didn't.


So in the True Life Singles retreat in 2015, I fully accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. There I realized the power of grace and I am indeed a new creation in Him. I committed my life to the gospel that I am a sinner bound for hell, but God sent His only son Jesus to die for all our sins and resurrected after 3 days.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God." Galatians 2:20

Since then, my life has never been the same. It's not struggle-free and I'm not sin-proof, but I have this joy, peace, love and all the other things God promised that an abundant life has (John 10:10). This blog is only a glimpse of how "terribly" lost I was before Christ in 2014 and my pursuit to make Him known from that day forward.




All from and for Him.

SAY GOODBYE SAYS GOD

When I committed to discipleship, I was well informed of the joys and pains of it. I am a disciple too - a heavy extra baggage myself - so I know how difficult it could be to have someone accountable to you. But I have seen God’s faithfulness even more true in this area of my life. God slowly prepared me for it through trainings in our CCF Church and identified the most fitting schedule for me. He assigned very wonderful and diverse girls under my care. I started with one, who eventually had to leave for studies abroad, but replaced it immediately with a couple more. He equipped me with materials to teach, wisdom to counsel, strength to share, and love to freely give. Although, the road to having a “group” was not smooth because it was 1-on-1 for months. I could remember how each of them was an answered prayer but I am still in awe how everything just happened – totally out of sight, rather through faith in God.

The journey is not a steady ride. Praise God it isn’t because it pulls me closer to Him all the more. When one's eternal destination is on your shoulders, who wouldn't fall on their knees for grace? But they fill my heart with inexplicable joy and fulfillment whenever I see them resist temptations, facilitate devotions, share their Bible reflections, encourage and pray for one another, praise God for simplest and difficult situations, and so much more. It's beyond one's mortal capacity. I couldn't take credit for anything really. 

This year started on a shaky ground towards my career direction, then I hit a health issue on my birthday month that got worse as days go by. There were moments that I would break down, suddenly one of my girls would cry for out for help, that I had to suck the tears up and pretend to be OK. Sometimes their concerns would be so demanding that my selfishness would tell me, "Wait, can I focus on myself for awhile?" But the Holy Spirit grips my heart tight reminding me that God loves these girls so much and how can I treat them less than their worth? In the past few difficult months, they have been my motivation to persevere in running this race. I swore to God that things may fail around me but I will continue to be faithtful in this calling - every single day. 

However, God has different plans. One by one, my girls seem to be out of reach because it is God's will in their lives. One already bid temporary farewell because of family concerns, three are busy in school, and one will eventually study overseas. So, my HOPE is on two girls to be consistently around. But just when I was excited to teach and hype our trio, one of them is going back to the province for good, hence, leaving us - me. 

Hear that shattering sound? That's my heart. I felt like Job in the Bible wherein everything I hold dearly is being taken away from me. Especially, that one thing I left my HOPEFUL heart in. I did question God. I never expected to cry for days actually (even while writing this). I can see the "giving up" door once again, then God brings me back the reality that 1) He has everything under perfect control, 2)  it is for all our good, 3) so why do I grumble on my standard of discipleship, 4) when it should be Jesus' who modeled patience and understanding for His rather difficult apostles. 

This blog post is also dedicated to my dearest Harley, who's leaving us as how God called her for.

Dear Har,

Our discipleship relationship is very short - two months that was. Despite of that I feel so invested, attached and have much to say to you :( I feel frustrated because I think I haven't counseled enough or made enough time for you. You and I have more life stories to share. It breaks my heart to see you go far from us, because I've realized I'm not good with handling LDRs. But you leaving exposed my sinfulness - pride, frustration and lack of faith. So I've learned to praise God for this moment. Thank you, Har! Thank you for opening yourself up to me and the group. Thank you for praying, learning and having fun with us. Thank you for reminding me of not being complacent, seizing every opportunity of loving my girls, because I'll never know when our roads will split up. What keeps me so at peace is that you obeyed God's call for you and that you will be more happier having your family close with you. And, that you will stay in our group chat! :) Accountability and e-discipleship continues (drama ko lang talaga). But I pray you find a new set of accountability group and ministry there. Just remember that you  always have a family here in Manila - praying and cheering for you! And of course, that He who began the good work in you will fulfill 'til the very end (Philippians 1:6)  God is with you and  that is enough for me to say good bye :) I love you, Har! 

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face." Job 13:15 is an extreme level of faith that is tough to keep up with. I aspire to have this locked in my mind all  the time. But it is tough.. So I find rest in this verse on Matthew 11:36, "Blessed is anyone who doesn't stumble on account me." My joy is complete knowing that I focused my faith on Jesus, no matter what He does or intends to do in my life, because He loves me the most. That goes all to my girls, my God's best in this season, that wherever God leads them, they have my full support and love. This newly vacant slot on my plate allows God to fill it once again - grace after grace. 

All from and for Him.

STEADY MY HEART SERIES (PART 2)

How's my heart?

Since I was diagnosed with SVT last March, many things have changed in me and I've been to several crossroads. God has used this condition to prune me and no pruning is easy or comfortable. Lately, I've discovered that my heart is filled with pride. Admitting to it is tough because I feel like I'm implicitly humble, but apparently my self-professed humility is a huge symptom of pride.

Here's how God revealed it to me: In our ministry's leaders retreat weeks ago, I was rushed to the emergency room because of an episode of SVT and hypertension. I accept full responsibility of this because I sipped a very (very, very) small amount of coffee (which is strictly restricted for me). After 30 minutes, I was having palpitations and difficulty in breathing. My strong pulse was evident on my neck and wrist. While feeling anxious, my discipler and I went out of the venue for a breather and to figure things out. Suddenly, another participant who is a nurse went out - it was heaven sent! He told me that my pulse wasn't "normal." We didn't have medical tools then, so I just rested and endured the pain. I was stubborn to hide my predicaments, but in reality I'm not feeling any better since early afternoon. At 11pm, before going to sleep, I asked the same nurse friend if I'm OK to sleep. He monitored my pulse via my wrist and answered, "no and we better go to the hospital". My obvious reaction was panic that led to anxiety attack. Suddenly, my other brothers and sisters in Christ gathered around us in suspicion. This stressed me out even more because only a few knew my condition and I intentionally don't want people to know. So, I had  to explain to refrain from lying. They were calming and encouraging me to just go to the hospital but I was resistant until my roommate, who is a nurse (God, this isn't an accident) came with a BP monitoring device. It read 162/100. They prayed over me and rushed me straight to the hospital. All the way through, I feel ashamed and apologetic for the hassle, scene and burden it caused them. It was late already, they were exhausted and call time the next day is very early. I kept telling myself, "what a shame, Hope." But from that moment when I had to be taken to the hospital, until the next day, and all the way to this day - I have never felt God's love in His children overflow that much. How can you be ashamed of that?

"In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all this thoughts there is no room for God" Psalm 10:4

I always strive to put on the adventurous and fit hat because I don't want to be the weakling. I am already diagnosed with a different illness years back and my fear of anything medical related show my fragility. And I don't want to be vulnerable. Actually, I feel like I can't be vulnerable. That's why I haven't disclosed my heart condition (and also nothing to be proud of). I don't like people to see me so delicate, that my illness will block me from doing many things, and people will limit me to such image. Also, I don't need for people to take care of me. I'm used to take care of other people more and I want it to be that way because there are many people who need it more than I do. See, everything that I just wrote in this paragraph is rooted in pride. 

God revealed in me my hidden sinfulness. This pride hinders me from experiencing Him even more. I am not taking this new battle seriously because He definitely sees me when I eat what is not allowed and don't take my medicines. I have been neglecting the cure He is providing me. He taught me that it is absolutely OK not to be OK.  As apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Loud and proud, God is good and He has the control over my frail heart. My sickness is an opportunity for His power to manifest; my constant struggle is an avenue for His grace to abound; my weakness is a way for His perfect love to do its work. 

As I allow people to care for me, especially my spiritual family, I have been more appreciative of them. What I am proud now is to know that I am surrounded by people who loves God so much that it overflows so genuinely.  As written by apostle Paul again in Galatians 6:2, "Carry each other's burden, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ". And what is the law of Christ? In John 13:34-35, Jesus said, "A new commandment I give you, Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Indeed, God uses people as His vessels of love. What they did has drawn me closer to Him. 

So what happened in the ER? Just had ECG but no other tests or medications were done. After almost 2 hours, I was discharged and continued rest in the retreat house. Fast forward to the next weekend, on my regular cardio check up, that incident alarmed my doctor and my hypertension is different from my SVT. Thus, another series of lab tests and waiting game. It's daunting and almost depressing. But I am learning to be confident and glad that I have Jesus in my life, He is my Savior who has won the battle already. I know I can rest in Him. 

All from and for Him. 

STEADY MY HEART SERIES (PART 1)

The past weeks have been burdensome and exhausting as I was going in and out of the (my) worst place ever, the hospital. From a faux medical result, it made me so anxious to have myself checked by a specialist. Cutting the 2-week long story, science told me that my heart is in serious trouble. 

SVT or Supraventricular Tachycardia or, in an understandable language, my heart beats so fast in the most unexpected time. Basically, it is not good. Ask Google for more info because that is how I spent the 24 hours after I was diagnosed. 

OK, so I have a heart condition, then what? Let me tell you how it got me stumbling to the point of skipping beats for the Lover of my soul - Jesus. 

More than the physical pain or inconvenience it brings or will bring me, it hurt my emotions and spirituality. Evidence #1: I will say it again, I hate hospitals. To go there 5x in 2 weeks are just too much, so how much more can I bear in the next days?! Evidence #2: Shamefully, I am now under maintenance medicines (every day for the rest of my life - I guess). Because Hope 101, I can't swallow a medicine even pea-sized ones. Evidence #3: I am prohibited from coffee, tea and chocolates. The 3 things that make my heart happy, are now to be seen as enemies. Evidence #4: Knowing about it made me so aware to the point of overreacting, keeping my hand on my chest all time as if keeping it calm. Please, calm down..

Everything I dreaded is now an inescapable situation I have to deal with. Take note, this is just one of the many things I am carrying on my shoulders. I'm like an overblown balloon, getting thinner and thinner as the pressure adds up, that in a wrong touch, I'll just burst. So.. Why am I here? Why did my Sovereign God, who has the control of my life, lead me here? How come my Heavenly Father, who knows every inch of me, caused me such predicament? 

Echoing Job in his suffering, "Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling! I would state my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments." Job 23:1-4. 

Having all these ill feelings toward Him, my heart tightens as if He is telling me too, "Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me." Job 38:2-3

FAITH. How little faith you have, Hope? I know, I know. It's literally and figuratively a heart check for me. God even affirmed it in my bible reading in Deuteronomy 8, He is disciplining me all because of love. *tears* that love wiped the shadow of clouds above me to focus on Him and praise Him magnificently.

I have been desperately seeking miracles, but as Jesus said in  Mark 9: 23, "If I can? Everything is possible for one who believes." - Thus, all I need is to believe He can. My heart sings praises for this shift in perspective. With the help of siblings in Christ, ministry, and ultimately His written promises, I was able to avoid the "backslide" hole. What great pursuing love does God have that it won't let you stay unlovable! 

I fought my doubts with His double-edged-sword Word. My Lord faithfully provided manna/food for the Israelites in the desert, so how can He not provide for my medications? My Lord restored Job, so how can He not lead me out of this career burnout? My Lord brought the life the dead Lazarus, so how can He not steady my heartbeat? My Lord rose from the dead, so how can I have little faith? 

I am still picking up pieces from my recent limping. But what is good about it is that I am not doing it alone - thanks to the Holy Spirit dwelling in me. I also learned the big difference of head knowledge spirituality from keeping His commandments by heart. No matter how much you pinch yourself with bible verses, it's useless without faith in who He truly is. It takes a lot of Him - time with Him. 

As you reach this point, please include me in your prayers? :) I need as much as any other struggling or prospering child of Christ out there. We all need it. We all need Him. 

All from and for Him. 

FUTURE VALENTINE

Dear Future Valentine,

Maybe it's Wicked the musical back in Manila, the 25th wedding anniversary I attended, and Valentine's Day is only days away, that I am seriously thinking about you. Three years ago, I ticked off on my bucket list watching Wicked as a gift to my ex-boyfriend, which actually started my biggest heartbreak, but the best ending was it led me to my one true love - Jesus. Now, after three years, I have been content and patient in waiting for you, and I know I can still wait longer until He allows our paths to meet. 

I am rarely concerned with the matters of my heart, but all these "Wicked et al" feels brought out the hopeless romantic in me. Maybe you would stumble upon this and together we would be amazed on the Lord's faithfulness; but whether there is a you or none, I am secured that His amazing plans will satisfy me. So, talking to the imaginary you made me wonder if we haven't met or been friends for a long time. I wonder if you are single or in a relationship with someone else, what is keeping you busy, and how you are waiting for me too. I wonder more how we will reach that intersection or spark that will last a lifetime. Nakakakilig! With all honesty, I care less about the looks and life status, but I do hope you have a relationship with the Lord by now. Honesty strikes again: I am certain I wouldn't be attracted to you if you are not intimate with Him and passionate in His ministry. 

Considering the idea that you know less to none of me yet, I am a follower of Jesus Christ and found my purpose in witnessing for Him. My heart? As of writing, I am completely sure that there are no desires yet for me to settle or commit in the next weeks, months or probably this year. This passive heart is not traumatized anymore, rather as I am aligning myself to the Lord, He conditions it to remain satisfied in being single. I have many edges to smoothed out and priorities to handle. Been very burdensome lately that maybe if you are right beside me it would feel lighter, but that is a contrast to the love we are called for. And I don't want to be unfair to you. However, this gives me peace that we are in the right place and time to not be together yet. A wonderful season to maximize our exclusivity with God. 

Or maybe you know me, been attracted to me, or even praying intently for me now, I say don't fret even if I am dodging any attention. The main purpose of this capsule letter is to encourage you (both of us) with a (informal yet quasi-public) commitment that we are worth the mile-long patience. I promise to stay pure on how I think, speak and act; level up my household and cooking skills; do the things I like to do alone; stand firm on my conviction on dealing with other men; be more caring, loving, understanding, patient, and all other good qualities you seem fit for you. With the Lord's perfect hands molding me, I am sure this time-consuming work is for our good. 

What do you do? Oh, I have my preference list, but my hopeless-romantic self wants to be surprised on our compatibility. Arte I know! All I can say is wait joyfully as well on the Lord - there is no better advice I guess. Simply be you, enjoy the hobbies you really like and discover more. Don't adjust to be on the same page as me based on what you see on social media or on short convos we may have shared. What excites me a lot are new things I will learn from you.  I can wait to do #godlyrelationship stuff with you: study God's Word, worship side by side, serve the ministry in bible study or outreach, and pray hand in hand. Those romantic things to the simplest things: laugh endlessly on long rides in traffic, eat good and bad food, do groceries, cheer you up after a long day, introduce you to surfing (haha), or spend a really lovely Valentines day date. Oh, I CAN wait for these.

See, I am seriously thinking of you that I am able to write you a lengthy letter. And I have much more to say actually, but I need to pull myself back to the reality. Maybe there will be a you or none at all by God's perfect will which I am 100% fine (swear!). Yea, these "Wicked et al" feels are to blame but I am thankful for the extra guard it brought my heart for something worth the wait - maybe you need it too. 


Love, 
Your Forever Valentine


All from and for Him. 

HOUSE ARREST THOUGHTS

Time check: 21:30 pm

In other words: I spent 21 unproductive hours of resting to heal my excruciating headache. Approximately 18 hours lying on bed trying to sleep the pain off because standing up for an hour is nearly impossible.

Time check: 21:35 pm

I should be sleeping now because 1) the headache is still on and off, 2) staying up beyond 10 pm is considered staying up late, 3) I can't afford to not go to work tomorrow, and 4) I also can't afford being this unproductive. 

Yesterday, I was feeling super exhausted that I really don't want to get up which is different to I-need-to-not-get-up" feeling. I told myself how I wish I could stay in bed the whole day. And so the Pussycat dolls are singing and dancing up in my head, "be careful what you wish for cause you might just get it." I get it. 

I can't remember the last time I was this 'unproductive' or that I didn't step a foot outside, and I don't even have the urge to be stubborn as well to try. I feel like I was always out and about, hustling, grinding, and exhausting myself. And there are days that I complain about it, but only to realize that I should be blaming myself for pushing myself too much actually. I realize now how finite I am and an infinite God loves me so much to command me to rest - physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

So, I blog to elate myself a bit that I accomplished something. Despite the precious feeling of bumming around like a highschool kid, I am at an age that every minute counts and I'm constantly afraid of not making any count. The world outside my window seems still, but only because everyone is in their own jungles thriving to live for who knows the reason. I belong there now. However, what hits me is the impact I'm making when I'm out there. Am I serving my life's purpose? I am in the world but not of the world. (John 17:14). That's how it should be, Hope. 

A week has passed and I continue to wait patiently for that miracle. A miracle that would enable me to really balance rest and haste. 

Time check: 22:11 pm

The best 46 minutes of this day. Now I could sleep.

All from and for Him.

HELLO, 2 0 1 7!

Have you ever felt tired of writing down resolutions, but end up editing it only after a week has passed by - year after year? Aren't we all tired of impressing people, more than ourselves, of our standing-ovation-worthy goals? After a 12-month cycle, we fall in the same trap of not resolving anything. So, we do resolutions again and again and again. 

Trust me, I was a victim of this. I got tired. 

So, in 2016 I found myself just continuing my life. Letting God direct my life. I have life goals, but none specifically for the year. My perspective was, "Lord, lead me and surprise me!" Looking back, He shocked me with so many blessings (read more here). However, as I wait for 2016 to fade away like the fireworks on the sky, God's Word was banging loudly this verse to my ears.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also  will appear with him in glory." Colossians 3:1-3

Fix my eyes on eternity and do things with eternal value. This is actually what we are called to do while we wait on that eternal life with God. But God impressed deeply in my heart to set my year with this in mind. So, I go back to the trap - not pointless, but worthwhile.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I was entrusted with a lot last year and I feel like I haven't responded excellently. And, entering my 2nd quarter in life (assuming I have 100 years to live), I have a lot to mature on. I am desperate to make my days count for God's glory. I don't know about you, but if the terrible, sickening news around the world doesn't push you down to your knees, then I rest my case for the future ahead of you. 

Thus, I unearthed my cork board and boldly wrote my goals for this year. 

(insert photo)

I understand how tiring it is to set goals and hope for better things every year. I feel you, bruh! But see God's promise on Colossians 3:4? That is where my hopes are. (YES, a new blog name indeed!) 

All from and for Him.

2016: IN REVIEW

"His master said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a littler; I will set you over much. Enter in to the joy of your master." (Matt 25:21, Parable of the Talents)

2016 started with God impressing in my heart about good stewardship of His blessings through the passage above in Matthew. This was our first devotional with my disciple and I even made a challenge for both of us that by the end of the year we will account what we have done with the treasures God entrusts us this year - which by the way we weren't able to do (fail!). I do felt bad with how I battled 2016 without goals, it was like I just continued a new day or month. Back then, I was so overwhelmed with God's movement in my life that I am ashamed of even asking. Looking back, I realized how important it is to set goals or account God's provisions, so you see His faithfulness all throughout and grow a grateful heart.

Little did I know God definitely entrusted me with SO MANY THINGS in 2016 - spiritually, material, recognition, relationships and even trials. Here's a quick round-up of it all:

Spiritually

Lead discipleship group, meeting weekly, with 5 members. Serve the Marketing ministry cluster that I am 100% joyful serving in. Volunteered as a facilitator in a retreat. Facilitate a workplace ministry, called Wednesday Crew, meeting weekly with an average of 8 regular attendees. Shared my testimony twice in my ministry and local church. Found my purpose of discipling and witnessing to people seeking for Him. 

- Everything is a PRIVILEGE to take part in building His kingdom on earth. I hope to be exhausted more doing these things. 

Materially

Purchased a personal car, Wimby, that allowed me to "pay-it-backward" as I remember those times I badly needed one, gave me great convenience, and it became my "war room" as I pour my heart to God in the middle of daily traffic. A new house with my family, not too fancy, but just enough for us and marks a new life and hope for us. Travel opportunities specifically in Taiwan that enriched my love for God's creation. 

- Yes, these materials things are fleeting but how it is being utilized is what gives its value. 

Recognition

Company performance awards for the quarter and year. Represented my company in the Mabuhay Awards - a nationwide recognition platform in the hospitality industry. 

- Gave me a new perspective on honor and made me fix my eyes on the Giver of the blessings. 

Relationships

Sisters in the discipleship group upline and downline. New found friends in the church and workplace ministry. Better relationship with my mom. 

- I felt God's love everyday because of these people, and as I've been called to love my neighbor, I look forward to growing the list people I love genuinely. 

Trials

Quarter-life crisis is on a confused long-term plan of where I see myself 5, 10 years from now. My biggest struggle, patience, was tested a lot - if not, everyday. Felt disconnected a few times due to my poor quiet time. Family feud and their resistance to share the same faith as mine. Exhaustion at work. Temptations that stepped on my convictions. 

- Finding joy in these times were definitely difficult, but with Jesus in me and how He used people around me, I got back on my feet and faith. 

People around me would always tell me how blessed I am - like I knew it already. Their assumptions are because I am prayerful, kind-hearted, and I serve God. This would go to my head but my heart tells me otherwise. Truth be told: It wasn't because of what I did, doing or will do but it was all because of God. I am sure to say that all the things - tangible or not, were because of God's goodness and faithfulness even to me who fail at times (Matt 5:45). That's what some may not understand when I say "it's all Him." But His great plans are simply happening in my life as a revelation of His glory. My obedience may result to evident blessings, but what few may know that I stepped on a lot of pitfalls. I stumbled here and there, and it's not because God isn't good of course. Those are blessings too as it stretched my faith so I can continue on the race with more endurance (James 1:2). Then again, to show His power and glorious deity.

Like any other year that passed, great memories are kept safely in my pocket, easily accessible if needed this new year. I am greatly blessed, but beyond than that, I am loved deeply. *tears* 

From my learning in 2016, I am excited to share my goals for 2017 which will be posted after the prayer and fasting week starting tomorrow. I want to align those with my Creator first. 

Lastly, to you who has been reading my blog posts, thank you for taking time or the interest at least to take a closer glimpse of my life. I am not hoping that you religiously read or comment, but if it tugs your heart then that's all that matters me. For you to know that there is me - who is going through the same thing as you, proving you are pretty normal and also loved deeply by a great God. 

All from and for Him.