TRAVEL SOLO - CHECK!

“The impulse to travel is one of the hopeful symptoms of life” – Agnes Repplier

Bucketlist #20 Travel Alone – CHECKED!

Never did I expect for it to happen this year or anytime soon. Though what I am sure of is that I will travel a lot this year. Oh well, life’s circumstances are very unpredictable, and I am not complaining.

How did it happen?

Last month, when a special non-working holiday was announced for January 15 to 19 (5 days off!!!), I instantly psyched myself that I will go on a surfing trip. It’s been a year and a half since my last surfing trip. Let’s just say that my love for it grew because I found my “first love” on the waves and it has been our “thing” together. So, when I had my first heartbreak, I also lost the drive on doing it often. I have moved on from my relationship, but I can’t seem to let go of surfing. I got stoked!

So, I immediately look for possible surf buddies. Within a month, there were already 4 cancellations. I thought the last one was a definite, but she backed out 2 days prior the trip. Thought about continuing deeply - of which you already know the decision. Technically, I wasn’t alone because I joined a travel group – Barefoot Travel. The thought of being alone in a far place only caved in when I was seated beside the driver. I had 5 hours (one-way) with no one to talk to (the driver wasn't that friendly). But the benefits of joining a travel group is everything arranged for you and all you need to do is enjoy the destination. When we got to Baler, I chose to exempt myself from city tours and have no itinerary at all. I was owning my "solo traveling" experience! 

How was traveling alone?

Liberating. I am used to being on my own most of the time, but being out of my comfort zone full of strangers gave me a deeper sense of freedom. Imagine enjoying a paradise at your own terms - isn't that fascinating? I felt more appreciative of my simple decisions like what to eat, when to sleep or where to hang out. I also felt more responsible of myself, my belongings and actions, like I matured over the weekend. Traveling alone really opens huge opportunity of meeting new people. Had good convos with my van-mates, lunch with the huge family of my roommate (i invited myself haha), a great food trip with my roomies, and late-night inspiring conversations with foreigners who are solo travelers too. I treasured the humble time I spent with locals, especially my surf instructors. Hearing the simple joys they get from the sport and living in the province is very inspiring. Of course, solo traveling leads to so many reflections. I used the sleepless journey to pray and ponder on things I might have ignored. t is really "quiet" yet relaxing to be a complete stranger too in a far place. Since being alone doesn't necessarily mean you are lonely, I realized that this trip was a great decision because I have my self + a beautiful place to complete me.

How did traveling alone changed you?

This experience re-affirmed my independent and fearless character. Just a few months ago, I began to enjoy and value my alone time that has developed my self-confidence. I believe solo traveling is the best therapy to find yourself, moreover, appreciate your worth. I also saw several things in a new perspective; like how I find solace in a place full of strangers, importance of friendships, and going places enriches one's soul. My thirst for more travels intensified, so on chances of doing it again, I will say YES definitely.  

Surfs and heads up! Here's to more meaningful trips - with or without companion :)

JUST BEFORE THE LONG WEEKEND

My current job has nothing been but stressful, yet fulfilling. Let's focus on the "stress" part tonight. This isn't a complaint blog, rather I just needed a way to vent it. 

"I have never felt so stressed and drained in my life." - in my 5 months, I can no longer count how many times I have said that. It is not a negative kind of stress, though not positive at all times. "I love my job" - that I can say countless of times too. What I love about it is I am always challenged to my limits which is actually a great thing. I don't even know where to begin on listing down my scope of work. That's where stress comes in. The load of work is really overwhelming and I always motivate myself that I can perform. But when all deliverables from each scope are marked urgent, there is a possibility of me falling short. So, I get frustrated, discouraged and pressured.

This week, I really felt extremely stressed and drained. I just wanted to escape but I can't. I get to realized, with the work I have now, no matter how stressful you are, you need to keep working and make it work! Insert NOW. You try to take a breather, relax, indulge in food or get some sleep, but nonetheless you still have to face the same sh*t and finish it. 

Yesterday, it donned into me how lonely a single person can be. In times of despair, you have to search your contacts, deliberate who is the best person to share it, and then repeat the same thing to another friend when you are not satisfied with the first's. Unlike having a partner, who would be your automatic spongebob, and can effortlessly make you feel good again. Stressed and depressed. 

So, sometimes I wonder how much more can I push myself. What if I am really not THAT good to achieve what is expected from me? Can I handle more? Then, I remember the last word of the first statement in this blog: FULFILLING. It definitely is one of the best feeling - when noone questions your accomplishments because you worked hard for it, and it boosts your self-esteem even more. Thus, I hold on a little bit more.

There are more to come. It's just January. I still have 11 more months and a lifetime to deal with my career. How I love long weekends as it evens out the stressful days to worry-free days. 

Goodbye (for now) stress, off to enjoy my long weekend. 

PRAYER FASTING

"For we speak as messengers approved by God to be entrusted with the Good News. Our purpose is to please God, not people. He alone examines the motives of our hearts" 1 Thessalonians 2:4

Part of my 2015 goals is a stronger relationship with my God through commitment in my DGroup, participation in Saturday Singles Ministry, Sunday Services at CCF, attend the retreat, and faithfully reading the bible. I feel so blessed that CCF has an annual prayer fasting week activity for January 5-10 - a good way to start the year. In my likeness to participate, I learned that I had to sacrifice one, great thing in my daily routine, wherein I chose to have only 1 full meal a day, give up my beloved iced tea, sweets, or any other pleasures like going to malls, coffee shops and other unnecessary spending. We were provided with a booklet with passages to read, reflection points and prayer guide. I am now on my last day, actually even just on the 1st day, I have learned so many things in this 6-day spiritual immersion.

I am human and there is God. Eating only 1 meal a day really took a toll in me - physically. Prayer fasting is not an excuse to rest. I needed to go to work, comprehend on so many things, face the temptations of the world and only get 4-hours of sleep. There I knew I am a weak person, and found the essence of fasting. In my weakest moments, I turned to prayer. Some may say it's all in the mind, but every plea of sustaining me throughout the day, I found an unexplained strength to get thru the day. I realized His power is so great and that we are nothing without Him.

To speak about Him, is to know Him truthfully. There is only one way of being getting to know Him, it is through the bible. I have a long way to go, but I will get there.

Prayer in everything. This fasting taught me to be spiritual. To seek Him, not just on a daily basis, but in every situation. I also learned to be selfless, to pray for each of my loved ones and even those I don't know but who definitely needed it the most. And, that prayer is so powerful. Answers may not happen now or exactly, but God listens. 

I am blessed. As I can still eat one full meal a day, while others can't even consume water. Appreciating my life even more now, for the comfort and pleasures I get to enjoy. My thirst to help others has grown. It would be another desire to help the less fortunate people very soon.

God loves me. That one fact is just enough. It is written in His word, I felt it tremendously these past 6 days, and His promise of a fulfilling life is a testament to it.


Faith without action is definitely nothing. For I know Him more now, means I already have the responsibility of sharing Him to others. I may not feel be the most religious-looking person, or not given by the Holy Spirit the gift of evangelizing, though I know it is every Christian's purpose to call on more people to walk with Christ. And I knew God spoke to me to that I have the resources to do so - that is to tell my story. Of how I found Him, He is working in me and my growing commitment to Him.

WHAT'S YOUR PURPOSE?

Just few weeks ago, my heart had the strangest desire to MOVE OUT. As I ponder on it, it grew even more to just ignore. Then I had a vision of two scenarios: moving out of the house or moving out of the country. The initial scenario was not a practical decision, since I reside near my work, and I would want to save the cost of spending for my own place instead. The latter one seemed to be more than a sudden thought, rather a message from the Lord.

Praying and reflecting, I recalled how my relationship with God renewed last year. How He worked in me, to finally surrender everything and follow Him. I learned that God doesn't give signs; His words are clear, it speaks to you in different forms of blessings.

So, I was able to enumerate circumstances which could lead to possibly moving out. I may be known for being a severe over-thinker, but I know He was talking to me in all these circumstances. I could justify it all but publishing it might kill the momentum (HAHA), but I will vaguely go through some to make more sense.

First, last year made me more independent, by going to everyday living for myself and depending life only to God. I have proven that I can survive a day, doing chores (well, still except laundry), errands and work by myself. Next, the breakup which was probably one of the clear messages. I have blogged about it before that I had the option to go abroad with my mom last 2013, but I was too in love with my relationship which hindered it. So, when I got my heart broken, I learned one vital thing: to be less attached on people and things, but only with God. Also, I am such a clingy person, especially with friends, but I meet a lot of people from different places, that I felt more confident of never feeling lonely any time. Being less attached fired me up to being fearless. The next one I guessed would be the push factor, having a job in Marriott, which is an international brand. Actually, during my interview, when I was being told that Marriott opens a lot of doors of opportunity especially in different countries, and I got confused that I thought I was being hired in a hotel abroad - but not, just panicked. (lol). But then again, that career opportunity is a truth proven for years, which is smart step if considered. Next, I have shared that I had the toughest and darkest times last year. I am definitely fine now, however I know, I still need a fresh start. I am healed from the pain and fulfilled with my work, but deep down I am in a gray area. Actually , I have figured a few more revelations, but are quite petty that better be told a friend only. (wink)

When I felt it, I really got excited, but I knew it's something I need some serious thinking, because there are still loopholes: 1) Where do I begin? What's the first step? Still waiting for that opportunity because it's a no-joke kind of risk; 2) Am I really ready, in all aspects - physically, emotionally, and spiritually?; 3) Most importantly, what would be my purpose? I know this isn't a financial urgency to reason out work. And, not to live a little girl's "American dream" of sort. I am taking this maturely. And if it's God plan for me, it should be of a higher purpose, a Christ-like one.

This feeling has ruled over me as 2014 ended. Just starting the year, in our weekly Singles Ministry, a faithful attendance is part of 2015 goals, the message was beyond a coincidence. I wasn't suppose to go but I some urgency that I needed to be there. One of our ministry leaders, Bro. Nano, shared how God spoke to him about him leaving the country for work next month. Of all the topics, right?!? Was crying the whole time hearing his testimony, and felt inspired that God is speaking to me.

As I told two friends, who gave wise advice, I will make this year very productive. Making myself more competent, secured and worthy when that move is made concrete. I have so much in my plate this year, like I will be better in so many ways. Definitely, I want to leave the country, though I need firm steps to do that.


2015 really excites me. I have never felt this hopeful about a year - of discovering the mysteries of each day, then eventually unfolding the message by the end of the year. With desire, effort and faith, I will find that purpose.

NEW YEAR, NEW BLOG?

Not deleting this one, certainly. Will just do some layout adjustments (as if, drastic). I am telling you now, it wouldn't be interestingly creative in layout, since I will just be choosing from the default themes. Just better. 

The "change in me" new year feeling, urges me to revamp the blog - a New Year's Resolution.

A brain-juice-demanding work has inspired me to write even more to practice my grammar, communication and flair in writing. 

WILL REALLY, REALLY TRY to get this blog UPDATED as much as possible. Target posts include book insights, food reviews, travel diary, huge encounters, and random emotions. 

2015 excites me. It will really be an amazing year, for me and my blog. 

2014 - THE HIGHS

As I recall the good things that happened this year, after blogging the bad ones, I realized that I had an equally wonderful year. When I browsed through my Instagram photos, I pretty much had a lot of blessings in my bag.

1. Renewed relationship with my God. This was the highlight of my year. I have started my journey of knowing, praising, walking and loving Him even more. It started with a Sunday service in CCF (Christ Commission Fellowship - Alabang branch), and from that day, my heart couldn't stop worshipping His name. I thank CCF, my friend Richel and her family, the pastors, and other believers for being with me in this journey. "I have decided to follow Jesus, no turnining back.."

2. True friends. Old and proven. I owe these people a long-overdue feature blog (which I still commit to do!), but I know with or without it, I am surrounded with a lot of them. Tin, Karla, Kassey, Mikka, Kye, Trixie, Nica, Inna, Justine, Danica, Mhay, Aldrin, Jix, Mami Toni, Steff, Dian, Charmi, Richel, Kendra.

3. New friends. I may have lost a lover and a friend, but God replaced it with new people who made an impact in my year. Shoutout to my D-Group girls, led by my very inspiring discipler Ef. I am fortunate to gain more friends I met in my trips, from a friend of a friend, and at work.

4. Marriott Hotel Manila. I have been praying for this change since last year, but it came at the right time. My new job shifted my priorities, geared to focusing on my career more. It was exactly what I needed. Honestly, I am really struggling because it has been challenging what I am capable of, but I never felt so fulfilled with my work. I am seeing a brighter career path ahead of me now.

5. Looking and feeling great. I was such an insecure, and the heartbreak put my self-esteem even lower. Rather getting wasted, I fought back in a fab way. Found myself boxing - and loving it so, so much! It has been my weekly workout. I spoiled myself of trying to be pretty the best way I can. Taking fitness and self-care seriously now.

6. Climb a mountain. I made to Pico de Loro! It was so difficult for a first timer. Never felt so fearless in my life.

9. Eatprayreadlove. I have started this weekend lifestyle of going out, reading and hanging out alone. I enjoyed being all by myself, getting lost over a good book and being far from the noise. Lost track of the books I read, but thank you dear authors for stories that cut through. And the must-try-restos I have been, how I wish I was diligent in documenting, I had some awesome taste experiences on the books.

8. Extra joys. Watched the Wicked theater play. Witness a professional tennis game - IPTL, saw pro players like Murray, Sharapova, Tsonga, Ivanovic, Monfils. Free ticket to Priscilla - a must watch play indeed. Complimentary business phone. Beach island trip with friends. Ended the year meeting a cute guy (haha!)

9. Matured perspective. With all the things that happened, both good and bad, 2014 taught me a lot of things. It made me wiser than I was. I learned to be more appreciative, more forgiving, more humble, more understanding, more rational, more independent and more faithful. I gained lots of insights about how relationships should be, making me EXTRA careful of finding the right man. I see life on lighter and beautiful way than before. It should be taken seriously but I have finally accepted the idea of going with the "flow." Enjoying the simplest things, day by day.


I know I had a 10, 11, 12, and so on. 2014 was still bad, but equally great for me. Had a 360 degrees turn-around in my life, but I was glad of how it turned out to be. Always imperfect, but I haven't felt more satisfied with where I am right now. God blessed me with struggles and successes I have no regrets with.

2015, what now? 

2014 - THE LOWS

Bizarre. That's the perfect adjective to describe how my 2014 was. Who knew I would survived the year? Even I was surprised to end it with a genuine smile on my face. Crashed on the first half and took a flight on the second half.

Since I wasn't an active blogger this year, let me give you a round up of the year that was - highlighting the lows that grew as my highs.


HEARTBREAK. 
First real heartbreak. Yes, I have totally moved on from it, but it is true that "pain demands to be felt" as clearly told in TFIOS. A self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, idealistic and believer of fairytales "no boyfriend since birth" like me, totally didn't expect a tragic love story as what happened to me. I can still clearly remember the start of that ending, and how I started anew when it was all over.

I can proudly say that what happened to me was a story worth telling.  Trust me, how it fell apart was really, really bad (ask my friends lol). I was really at my weakest, for months, not to add the other bumps I had. I went through all stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Plus, forgiveness. Was I healed? Yes, but still scarred. Still, glad that I learned about love the hard way. It was a blessing.


BETRAYAL
Which is very much related to the heartbreak. It's not in my nature to ruin someone's reputation, and will never be, so no name-dropping. When I was a kid, betrayal for me was simply is when a friend chose to have lunch with someone else. Again, never did I expect to know it on an extreme definition. I thought I was good at choosing my friends - whom I can trust completely. And when I got my heart broken, I know that I never lack great friends to find comfort with. I may have failed to be a lover, but I know I will never ever fail in being a friend. Oops, but I did because I was so stupid. Actually, the worst part was someone made me stupid. How can a friend betray you for over a year, every single day, right on the face, and suck it all in? I dunno! I know I didn't deserve that, and noone did.

Her apologies was just enough to forgive her. But that kind of betrayal has ended the friendship. As much as she was not aware of how grave the pain she caused me, that's how much I know I can't be friends with her anymore. Since, betrayal taught me to be wiser.


BRUISED
Oh, literally. A very few know about this mishap in my life because I am really ashamed of it. I don't have a warm and happy family. We are just fine, far away. My parents are abroad and I didn't grow passionately open with them. My relationship with my sister is a total wreck ever since, and it got worst this year. I seldom see her in the house, because of her BPO work and her partner, and I can barely count the times we talk. I know she hated me, but I didn't (cross my heart). I just got used to our setup of not minding each other's business. I am really surprised with the two fights which got very physical. It was like those teleserye scenes - someone being beaten down hopelessly.

It was so devastating to even write. Such a dark experience that I all I could do was cry for a hero to save me. Healed all the bruises but our relationship is still left unresolved. Will get there, someday.


All these happened at the same time. You can realize how damaged I was. Rock bottom. But it resulted to to the confidence I have now. These tragedies sure did made me tougher and wiser - very much!

So how did I survive? God. It totally felt like the world gave up on me, but He never did. I found healing the day I started embracing His grace. Until now, it overwhelms me. How everything fell into place and the reasons behind all of it. My faith saved me, true story.

And that begins the 2nd half of 2014 - the ascend, the high, the joy.