RESOLUTION

RESOLUTION - a course of action determined and decided on

(houfflin milley)

If that is what resolutions mean, one should really do itor make it happen. As I understand the definition, it doesn't necessarily mean a change but it is a decision we make that we think is for the better. It is indeed something personal. I believe that resolutions are possible because if someone is determined to do it, then it would really happen.

I have spent the last day composing blogs before the year ends and as a new year start. I have successfully reflected on how my 2010 has been. It was awesome yet stressful, but I am grateful because I am definitely ready for 2011. As I sum up how I was in 2010, I AM CONTENTED. As I see it in a bigger picture, I have never asked for something that much and I was just living my life the way it was. If there is something missing, "Imma get 'ya this year!"

LOVE. My feelings was challenged this year, so much! When it came to romance, I just cried the whole time. It was not my priority, and it will still not be this year, but I must admit it was a huge thorn that I dealt with a lot of times. Poor me, I never felt loved this year. (I think, special is a more appropriate word than "loved") I experienced being denied by a guy who I keep running out for, left by a total jerk, and hurt for endless times. It was a total heartbreaking year and that's how this blog started. (See first two posts) I have learned a lot things from those experiences. First on the list, never look back. Surely, I will never look back. I never asked for love nor searched for it, but I still do want it to come.

And so, this year I AM DEFINITE TO FALL IN LOVE IN 2011! :) It is uncertain and unsure but I want to face 2011 positively. Honestly, I still don't have a prospect nor someone I like nor someone who likes me, but I am giving my heart its time. I have always rush on things, but this year I will take it slow and right. I won't be desperate for it but I will be positive and HOPEFUL as always.

It may sound childish of "highschool-ish" to make love as a new year's resolution, but I am proud to say that I became mature this 2010 and I will continue to be. I am more than ready to face life because I know that the year ahead will be a "no play" life for me. I am just giving myself a chance to be happy. I am happy, really. People around me are the best people in the world and I feel their overflowing love and support. But when you have been through heartaches and just had enough, you deserve to ask for a love that makes you feel special. Maybe it's a wish already, but I just want to love and be loved back. I maybe blessed too much on other things but I humbly look forward for 2011 to be a love year. Please? :)

"I know that you're tired of waiting and you may have to wait a little while more. But he's on his way and he's getting here as fast as he can" - Stella, How I Met Your Mother (gender change for a girl's perspective)

2010

THANK YOU 2010 for being awesome :)

OPPORTUNITIES, I was fortunate enough to have been offered with all the opportunities I HOPED for and those I don't expect at all. Leadership opportunities, that challenged me to be the best for others and do things beyond what I can offer. Career opportunities, that led me to meeting significant people who I look up to and made me aim for more. I will always be thankful for all those opportunities because these have been the highlights of my 2010. I may have asked myself if I deserved them and that is what 2010 taught me- to believe that I totally deserve them and I shouldn't stop showing to those people I still deserve more.


FRIENDS, It was a win-lose game of friendship for me. I gained and let go of some. I must say, I have learned one great thing: that friendship is also a relationship that can end, when it's hurting, let go because you can never be true to a friend when you are not true to yourself. But I am glad to have ended this year with overflowing forgiveness. Things may have changed but I am HOPING for a new start.


STRESS, I still have thick hair despite all the stressing experiences this year. A part of me wished that those never happened at all, but I am to blame because I decided to be a person who has to face those pain in the ass. Cheesy as it sounds, I want to celebrate to have overcome them, maybe some I didn't or I failed in some but I passed through them alive and standing.

These have been the highlights of my 2010. I will always have regrets, which are more on "I shouldn't have not" done than "I should have done." I must say I have given my 110% throughout the year but if there is a lesson I will take for the coming years, that is to have room for hesitation and doubt. Because life is a game, a gamble as I see it, save at least 20% for yourself to refrain from regrets and have a piece that remains when all things fail

BYE, 2010!

HUMILIATION

I had a relationship with a girl, BEFORE.

I don't want to lie or hide it. Actually, I never lied about it or hide it in the first place.

But, it is something I AM NOT ASHAMED OF OR NEITHER PROUD OF. - there's a difference.

I am completely straight now, but all those studies of psychologists on the environment affecting one's behavior or sexuality, is definitely true. My sister, friends, and people I grew up with were the factors. I am not blaming anyone here, because at the end of the day it was my decision, but it is just that I don't want to be judged on why I chose to be that.

I do regret it, because either ways you turn it, it is not socially accepted and right. (That's a fact. So, I apologize to the lesbians and gays reading this, I am not an anti, ok?) But it was my past, and I can't run away from it because it will keep haunting me. Just like now..

Yes, it is a secret for me- a HUGE one. But I am ready to spill it out to the right people, in the right place and in the right time.

Those who were once like me, would understand that it is hard to choose the people to say it with. And even the right situations to say it out loud. Because it is a matter of being accepted -which is inevitable in this judgemental society.

It is just so sad that, that this part of me was used in a laughing situation. It would have been ok when those people around were not strangers, but a lot of them were. Moreover, they are those people who shouldn't even know.

Maybe I should have reacted negatively to make them feel I was not ok with the jokes, but I am not that person who would kill the fun for my own sake. And maybe because I expected those people to have not done that anyway.


Lastly, I just HOPE they had a great laugh and felt contented with someone's humiliation.