"Why do all good things come to an end?"
-He greets me good morning and wishes me sweet dreams every single day
-He would surprise me with simple treats
-He asks me out for coffee
-He would give me a ride home
-He was there when I was sick
-He holds my hand
-He calls me
-He pretends to have stop smoking when we're together
-He would try any possible way to cheer me up
-He would repeatedly thank me every time we're together
But he doesn't like me. Yes, he doesn't. I guess, he never did at all. I know he just had break up last month. I am totally cautious with that, that is why I know where I should stand and how my actions should be. But when they broke up, we did get closer to each other. I was still hesitant but I saw the sincerity in his actions. I trusted that he really meant all his words and actions. I know it was too fast, but a lot has happened already. I never noticed it all not until now that it has already ended.
I never expected for us to be together now or any moment from now or even soon. I have suppressed my feelings because I was scared, of the 3 month rule and we are both busy. FOR THE FIRST TIME, I was just going with the flow. I just let things happen.
I was happy. But honestly, there was a piece of me that wants us to be together in the future. Yes, I do like him. I don't think I have to admit it, because it would give pressure to the both us. I was just not yet ready for serious things to happen between us. I was being a HOPEless romantic again - that someday when we're both done with our priorities we'll try to work things between us.
Lately, I was not hearing anything from him. I waited. Then the week gets harsh. I saw him and his ex together twice. I tried not to over think things but the situation was growing suspicious. True enough, I getting paranoid was already a sign from the heavens that he was a complete ass. I heard from reliable sources that they are already working things out. Then, I gave myself some space. Space - to think of why was I hurt with those truths and incidents, and to see if he would come running to explain that all of those were lies. Those times were tempting because he suddenly returned with the old him to me. Then, I was LOST.
It was a blessing in disguise to have our retreat the next week. I did find my peace of mind there. I have accepted truths about love - pain is inevitable when you love someone. He wrote me a retreat letter stating how bothered he is with the space between us. He wants explanation but he swore he will still be there for me. And he ended the letter saying, I wanted us to be best friends. WOW. Best friends???
I was not asking for too much, maybe it was just friendship. But I can't accept the fact that he was not into me. I don't get it, actually. I have told him my heartaches, HOPING he wouldn't dare to be like those guys who once hurt me. But boys will be boys - sucking truth. I have already found the comfort in him that makes me trust him soooo much. I made it clear to him to be someone because you mean to be that way.
UPDATE: Awhile ago, I checked my FB News Feed, then I saw his changed relationship status. They got back together. I don't know when exactly, but it was a fresh news.
Now, I am really, really vulnerable. I feel so weak. I don't know what to do. :((((
This week, I was so happy. I had my retreat where I completely lose myself with the Lord. I felt renewed, refreshed and reborn. After it, I feel so appreciated and loved. Then, I went straight to our Leadership Training Seminar. It was sooo successful. All good comments. I feel so glorious with all the good things that was happening lately.
And as I arrived home, I lost my phone - HOPEless already of getting it back. Then, I saw him getting back together with his ex - totally devastating. I feel soooo down right now. I feel betrayed and used. It would be better when he could have told me that they are trying to work it out again. At least, I would have not entertained him at all. So now, what is his intentions? What does his actions really do mean? I feel like I'm just a cover up of the misery of a fresh break-up. A satisfaction-giver of being the person he wished his GF could be.
I really can't believe he just hurt me. I was so transparent with him. I may not have said I liked him but I do try to reciprocate his actions- because I sincerely mean my actions because I do like him, but I know it would be too early to reveal it. I always reply to him and would try my best to accept his invitations. I was there when he needed me.
My mind and heart is full of questions and demands of explanations. But for what? Para saan pa? I just thought, what if he would say he really likes me, then does that mean we can be okay? But no, he is already in a relationship. What if he says he don't like me, then I would cry my heart again and be mad at him even more? Either way, I am the loser in this battle. Clearly in the beginning, I was unarmored. I LOST.
Why is it the when good things just happened, bad things will start to find it's way? Why can't all things be okay?
I am trying to look into the bright side, but I really can't find the light. I am accepting the reasons, which are still not clear, behind all of these. But why can't I be happy in love? Why now? When I have opened the possibilities of entrusting myself completely?
I REALLY DON'T DESERVE THIS. Madaya naman.. All I want is to be happy in love, but I keep on being hurt every single time. I am really losing it.
Everything will be okay, IN TIME.
