RESOLUTION

RESOLUTION - a course of action determined and decided on

(houfflin milley)

If that is what resolutions mean, one should really do itor make it happen. As I understand the definition, it doesn't necessarily mean a change but it is a decision we make that we think is for the better. It is indeed something personal. I believe that resolutions are possible because if someone is determined to do it, then it would really happen.

I have spent the last day composing blogs before the year ends and as a new year start. I have successfully reflected on how my 2010 has been. It was awesome yet stressful, but I am grateful because I am definitely ready for 2011. As I sum up how I was in 2010, I AM CONTENTED. As I see it in a bigger picture, I have never asked for something that much and I was just living my life the way it was. If there is something missing, "Imma get 'ya this year!"

LOVE. My feelings was challenged this year, so much! When it came to romance, I just cried the whole time. It was not my priority, and it will still not be this year, but I must admit it was a huge thorn that I dealt with a lot of times. Poor me, I never felt loved this year. (I think, special is a more appropriate word than "loved") I experienced being denied by a guy who I keep running out for, left by a total jerk, and hurt for endless times. It was a total heartbreaking year and that's how this blog started. (See first two posts) I have learned a lot things from those experiences. First on the list, never look back. Surely, I will never look back. I never asked for love nor searched for it, but I still do want it to come.

And so, this year I AM DEFINITE TO FALL IN LOVE IN 2011! :) It is uncertain and unsure but I want to face 2011 positively. Honestly, I still don't have a prospect nor someone I like nor someone who likes me, but I am giving my heart its time. I have always rush on things, but this year I will take it slow and right. I won't be desperate for it but I will be positive and HOPEFUL as always.

It may sound childish of "highschool-ish" to make love as a new year's resolution, but I am proud to say that I became mature this 2010 and I will continue to be. I am more than ready to face life because I know that the year ahead will be a "no play" life for me. I am just giving myself a chance to be happy. I am happy, really. People around me are the best people in the world and I feel their overflowing love and support. But when you have been through heartaches and just had enough, you deserve to ask for a love that makes you feel special. Maybe it's a wish already, but I just want to love and be loved back. I maybe blessed too much on other things but I humbly look forward for 2011 to be a love year. Please? :)

"I know that you're tired of waiting and you may have to wait a little while more. But he's on his way and he's getting here as fast as he can" - Stella, How I Met Your Mother (gender change for a girl's perspective)

2010

THANK YOU 2010 for being awesome :)

OPPORTUNITIES, I was fortunate enough to have been offered with all the opportunities I HOPED for and those I don't expect at all. Leadership opportunities, that challenged me to be the best for others and do things beyond what I can offer. Career opportunities, that led me to meeting significant people who I look up to and made me aim for more. I will always be thankful for all those opportunities because these have been the highlights of my 2010. I may have asked myself if I deserved them and that is what 2010 taught me- to believe that I totally deserve them and I shouldn't stop showing to those people I still deserve more.


FRIENDS, It was a win-lose game of friendship for me. I gained and let go of some. I must say, I have learned one great thing: that friendship is also a relationship that can end, when it's hurting, let go because you can never be true to a friend when you are not true to yourself. But I am glad to have ended this year with overflowing forgiveness. Things may have changed but I am HOPING for a new start.


STRESS, I still have thick hair despite all the stressing experiences this year. A part of me wished that those never happened at all, but I am to blame because I decided to be a person who has to face those pain in the ass. Cheesy as it sounds, I want to celebrate to have overcome them, maybe some I didn't or I failed in some but I passed through them alive and standing.

These have been the highlights of my 2010. I will always have regrets, which are more on "I shouldn't have not" done than "I should have done." I must say I have given my 110% throughout the year but if there is a lesson I will take for the coming years, that is to have room for hesitation and doubt. Because life is a game, a gamble as I see it, save at least 20% for yourself to refrain from regrets and have a piece that remains when all things fail

BYE, 2010!

HUMILIATION

I had a relationship with a girl, BEFORE.

I don't want to lie or hide it. Actually, I never lied about it or hide it in the first place.

But, it is something I AM NOT ASHAMED OF OR NEITHER PROUD OF. - there's a difference.

I am completely straight now, but all those studies of psychologists on the environment affecting one's behavior or sexuality, is definitely true. My sister, friends, and people I grew up with were the factors. I am not blaming anyone here, because at the end of the day it was my decision, but it is just that I don't want to be judged on why I chose to be that.

I do regret it, because either ways you turn it, it is not socially accepted and right. (That's a fact. So, I apologize to the lesbians and gays reading this, I am not an anti, ok?) But it was my past, and I can't run away from it because it will keep haunting me. Just like now..

Yes, it is a secret for me- a HUGE one. But I am ready to spill it out to the right people, in the right place and in the right time.

Those who were once like me, would understand that it is hard to choose the people to say it with. And even the right situations to say it out loud. Because it is a matter of being accepted -which is inevitable in this judgemental society.

It is just so sad that, that this part of me was used in a laughing situation. It would have been ok when those people around were not strangers, but a lot of them were. Moreover, they are those people who shouldn't even know.

Maybe I should have reacted negatively to make them feel I was not ok with the jokes, but I am not that person who would kill the fun for my own sake. And maybe because I expected those people to have not done that anyway.


Lastly, I just HOPE they had a great laugh and felt contented with someone's humiliation.

Just the way you look tonight

Here I am playing with those memories again
and just when I thought time has set me free

Just when I thought when my love story chapter with him ended, I would be lying to myself even more when I say I was not hurt. It was the situation I never expected to be in nor wanted to see, but I was stuck. Imagine: You're in between the guy you love and the girl he loves. You can't walk out, you can't cry, and you can't do anything about it. Yes, I can't walk out, cry and do anything about it. And when they separated, I was still there pretending not being there. It was so stupid of me to act that way. But how do you express pain when it doesn't even matter anymore because you have to heal it?



So there's no sense pretending
My heart is not mending

I don't want to be the villain. When I saw them ok, I know I have to accept and be okay with it. Actually, even if it wasn't his ex, I have to be ok with him being with someone else.
But I never promised to be happy with it. There's a big difference with being ok with being happy, I guess I can never learn to be happy for him when I know I haven't completely removed him from my system. I don't want to be unfair with them, especially with the girl, because I know she loves him way more than I do, but it really sucks to see them slow dancing and everyone is cheering for them. Actually, I wasn't able to see it in my own eyes, my chair was facing the other way - lucky me. But it still hurts the same, because I still can't erase the fact that they did dance behind my back - and it was captured in pictures which makes it even worse.



Just when I thought I was over you
Just when I thought I could stand on my own

Well, I have to be fair to myself even for once. I should be angry with him because he was mean the whole time. He was so rude for acting that way because I know he knows I was there the whole 4 day venture. That's what hurts me the most, that he didn't even took into consideration I was there. Oh, maybe they were so in love that they were in their own world. But my presence is overpowering to not even stop him. Or maybe, he really don't recognize what we had before, which for me was something special. If the second was true, I wish him all the karma in the world. It maybe too much to ask, but maybe respect will do.



I've done everything I can to ease the pain
But only you can stop the rain

The whole awkward 4 cold days was a blessing in disguise. I think I had already deciphered why things was not working out right for me. All these time, I haven't felt disliked by him. When things would go wrong, it would be because we weren't the ones for each other. But there was still "you'll always be special no matter what" unsaid words. And that made me HOPED unconsciously, because he unconsciously makes me wait and feel worth something. That's what keeps me holding on and hurting every single day. Not until he says he doesn't like me - which he needs not to say anymore. BUT, I don't have to hear it from him anymore.



I just can't live without you
I miss everything about you

This just in, a wall post: "when I always see you, you seem very happy all the time." (Thanks!) Well, I have to be happy all the time because I have a great life and it would still be even without him. I don't want to make a hypocrite out of myself once again by saying I am moving on because I love eating - even my own words. He's a great guy and an illusion of my ideal guy. He is a huge thorn stuck and makes me bleed gravely. Atleast for now, I have to learn to stop the bleeding by believing someone deserves him more than I do. And BECAUSE I deserve more.



Here I Am by Air Supply

PANAHON

"PANAHON: EXPERIENCE TRANSISTIONS AND LIVE BEYOND EXPECTATIONS"

The HIGHLIGHT of my third year or should I say my entire college life. And I guess a lot of UST CTHM students would agree with me. Even though it is quite far from jobs offered in the hospitality industry, it is a great path that we could take after college. Aside from the fact that in this course we are able to be hands on, it has made us mature especially in decision making and dealing with people.

Writing a blog about this event was always been part of my to do lists. There were a lot things that had happened along our journey to PANAHON. We were probably the class that experienced a lot of heartbreaks and mishaps. Cheesy as it sounds, but by the end of every single day, PANAHON was a BLAST.

So because, I was such a busy bee, I wasn't able to sort of document all these ordeals. (And I don't really want this blog to be a diary, this will just be my shock-absorber/secret weapon). But here's an insight that I have been composing in my head since the controversial tragic postponement of our event.

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Our event is entitled "PANAHON: Experience Transistions and Live Beyond Expectations", which focuses on Seasons Tourism: Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. As I was very much in love with our theme, we literally associated everything with FOUR. Every detail in our event should be seasons inpsired or be in four different categories. But the biggest comparison I could make is with our class being divided in the 4 roles they have played.


WINTER - season of snow, coldness, and ice.
One lesson I learned on people's personality is that, it's a faux that one could be opinionated in just a wink of an eye. A timid person will always stay that way even she decides not to and we are not to force them because it's not helping. They will grow and voice out, maybe, on their own ways and means. They are just the type of people who are used to keeping their opinions within theirselves because they are afraid of being criticized, rejected or they just don't care at all. Yeah, these people are just frustrating to deal with. Because this is a class endeavor, not a voluntary act, everyone has to voice out their opinions, but sadly some just wont. Even the most dramatic plea to them won't work. They'll be there sitting and listening and would make just a move when it's already a slap on the face. They are also the same people who just come and go like they don't care. Well who knows what they really feel, at least they were neutral in all the clash.

SPRING - season of bloom, beauty, and color.
There are just people born to be creative and intelligent. Their ideas are just awesome that they should be credited for it. In all the discussions, they'll be silent. But in the process, they're ready for action. No instructions are needed for them to do what is required. They define initiative in an organization. They might not be the people who we have worked hard, but surely their contributions added to the success. What I love about their work ethics- is having no excuses. It's initiative with humility that I admire.

AUTUMN - season of fall, breeze, and gloom.
Arguments are necessary in decision making, it gives you more options and would make the end product diversed. But it is not always healthy - trust me in this one. Backstabbing/front even, disloyalty, dishonesty, break ups - name it! Relationships were put to test in a very, very hard way. It is contradicting when we insist for people to speak up and yet complaining on nonstop arguments. That's the difference - NONSTOP. I don't know why, but there are really those who just open their mouth for senseless things. And after, feeling confident that "hey! I said my piece! Done." It really drowns all your energy and even if you have the best rebuttal, you just shut down. Waving the white flag first is not a lose, but it is recognizing that somethings are not worth it anymore - of time, convincing, and saliva. Learning when and how to shut up comes in maturing. And filtering what to take in and not is professionalism.


SUMMER - season of heat, sunshine, and feast.
And of course, a tale wouldn't be complete without the lead. Shockingly, there are still people who just simply have good hearts, that whenever you recall how things have torn apart but they stood their heads up, full of optimism. Everyone helped in this big project but you can't erase the fact that there those on top of the hardworking list. Their incomparable energy makes you pity yourself for taking those 15 minute power naps. Those smiles after a missed quiz while you complain for having few mistakes because you watched your primetime favorite. They still worry for the unfinished business while you celebrate for the success. I know it is never correct to own a group effort, but it is the due recognition that they deserve. Well in fact they don't ask for anything in return. Wallets have been zeroed and eyes have been circled, still no selfish "I did this on my own." I don't know what's the prope way of describing it, maybe it's total commitment. The thing they'd did not forget when they enrolled in the course alongside 45 blockmates. No mentioning of names, they know who they are, and I salute you guys!

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We've got a year and a semester to take and to make more fond memories. People may still change in that span of time. As we look back on PANAHON, trying to remember all you've been through, sacrificed, and received.. I sure will have lots of awesome reminiscing to make :)

BRUNO

A fact about me, I really don't like listening to mainstreams, mainly because I feel it's JOLOGS. (Jologs is a term that eventually evolved to Jejemons). Rarely do I appreciate newly released songs. And yes, when people have gone tired of listening to them, that's the only time I download them.

Enough of my musical perspective, because I'm currently LSS ( last song syndromeD). Shockingly with a still popular song by Bruno Mars (aka Peter Gene Cruz). He's a great artist and composer. His songs are really full of emotions and out of the ordinary, that are written just to have compose a song - which a lot of composers do.

"Just The Way You Are", I have to believe is just the sweetest song written by a man. Aside from the perfect arrangement, musicality, etc (which I think are awesome as well), it's just the song full of love. I mean, if Bruno Mars was my boyfriend, I wouldn't doubt his love at all. If he is in love, I would be totally convinced just by reading the lyrics.

And yes, to all the guys out there, this is the PERFECT song to melt a woman's heart. This song tells how perfect the girl, in every way, is to the guy. Right move to compliment the eyes, hair, laugh, smile, etc because those are some of the greatest insecurities of a girl. It's not just the compliments that I love with the song, but the commitment that lies beneath. In the song, the man is giving his commitment of love, but not just any ordinary love, but of TRUE love because simply the girl is perfect in his eyes just the way she is.



FINDS:
(1) I found this two ama.. wait for it.. ziiiiiiing Korean Australian girls on FB/Youtube :) Saw their Officially Missing You by Tamia Cover (love it!) and saw other video posts of their other covers.

TENEN! They're sooo great! Their voices are so soft and serene that give me goosebumps. OHH! I just wanna be their girl friend and hug them!!





(2) This lyrics of Just The Way You Are misled me big time! (HAHA) I was confused with "her nails" and the song sings "her lips". Just so I realized, it was a laugh to kiss someone's nails. LOOK!

http://www.directlyrics.com/bruno-mars-just-the-way-you-are-lyrics.html




Credits: Youtube :>

AFFECTED

Agnes: 'di ba mahal mo ko? 'bat mo ko iiwan?


Pao: Hindi na ako sure kung yung pagmamahal ko kaya pa na magsama tayo..


TEARS..



Love is like an IQ test that noone can perfect. Noone can really understand why things happened, that's why people settle for "everything happens for a reason."


But I have an argument to start.


The dialogue above is what irritates me and just tickle the "what-the-heck" part of my brain.


There will always be one truth in love that I agree - LOVE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR <3 (which contradicts the above statement)


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Why do people, men most of the times, reason out that letting go is equaled to true love? Isn't that if you love someone, you will do anything just to be with that person? And that is why I clearly don't get the point of leaving someone you love because love is just ain't enough - BOO!


Love should be enough. It should always be. Because if it is not anymore, then screw the relationship, because it's just pure pretentions.


And isn't that, it sucks even more to be away with someone you love? (AHA!)


--

Hail to Agnes! Just the perfect question to smack a guy's player heart.


Hell to Pao! Your love can save the relationship it's just you who don't.






Credits: Til My Heartaches End Movie (2010)

HUGS

"PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE" - Lucas Scott, One Tree Hill


Czarinna Paola De Castro

That name is synonymous to TRUE FRIENDSHIP.

It is always true that in life, finding a true friend is one of the most difficult thing to do. I have lived that life. I have met a lot of people, developed friendship with some, and had sustained loyalty with some as well.

I have lost friends in my life. Regrets of losing them? Not at all, because at least some stayed. Like what i always say, I MAY HAVE FEW BUT AT LEAST THEY ARE TRUE. -And I would settle for that.


INNA

Friendship can lead to deeper relationships. Sometimes, you would foster a deeper connection with someone and comparing that person like your sibling already. Those are the people you just don't consider a friend but a LOVED ONE already.

For me, I consider those people the friends I am afraid to lose. The people I know life wouldn't be the same without them. People I would stick around no matter and I would choose over other things in life even love.


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What will you do if your most loved best friend would migrate? And it is in weeks time? And you're not good? COMFORT, please?

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HUGS

I have a one true friend, I will never find myself on fight with.

She is the complete opposite of me. Quite, timid, soft-spoken and suuuuuper nice. That's why our friendship is noticeable because despite our differences, we click! We never find ourselves in a dull moment. I am the joker, she is the laugher. I am the speaker, she is the listener. I am the crybaby, she is the comforter. I am imperfect, she is the ideal girl.

She is the person I have spent my 24/7 days in highschool, literally. We are always with each other but we never get tired of talking and seeing each other's face. Even in weekends, we still text and talk.

She is always my PARTNER. We always work together in projects or in partner activities. Even in triad activities, we insist that we'll be partners. We always have the fail experiments and funny outputs. Atleast, we have satisfactory grades for those.

She is my SISTER. She is the person in the whole world who knew about my family problems. Whenever I feel bad, she is just one text away. I am luck enough for she is my ever comforting friend. She never advices but she listens -that's what sets her apart from the rest.

She is my self-booster. She is the ideal girl whom everyone admires. I have a lot of imperfections but her humility is overwhelming. She is my "kakampi" in everything. Never did she sided with anyone else. She is the perfect example of a friend who will have your back no matter what.

She is more than ALL these. Describing her and our friendship will take me years. But then, I have to say, she is the person I am afraid to lose.


REALLY : If I could stop their leave, I would do so. If she will come back, it better be soon and on March 2012.

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I have less than a month to spend with her. If you have the same time left, how will you spend it? As for me..


HUGS, sige next week labas tayo :)

ANSWER

how do you know if someone likes you or he is just flirting with you?

if anyone knows, KINDLY TELL ME.

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The story started with a heartbreak. I found myself comforted by a guy and then there we started to be friends. Yes, we're friends. We talk a lot and have fun a lot. Honestly, there was a time I used him to get over the recent heartbreak I had. But using him suddenly turned him using me..

During our sleepovers near UST, we often see each other late at night. Grab a food and just talk. He would always be there to accompany me. Well, I would ask his help and he agrees to do so. But we often quarrel on petty things. Countless are the times we would argue and I would ask him to leave. But there would at least one of us who would give in to reconcile.

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I like HIM. I like him not romantically but I like him because I am comfortable with him. It's not love, I know that for sure. It's the feeling when you always want to talk with a particular person everyday, everytime. I am happy just talking and being with him. So there, I repeat, I like HIM.

He on the other side, would tell my friends we are just friends -which is true. But would say he is not closing his doors for any possibilities it would be more than that. I know he's not ready, I am not as well. We have priorities, specially me, but he's still there being ever sweet and caring.

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Actually, he's not the type of guy I would settle with after all. He's selfish. He always want to talk about himself. He would always seek for care and understanding. And I let him be that to me - I don't know why.

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Then we had a big fight. He's so emotional and sensitive, and I couldn't stand it anymore. So I pushed him away. And he did walked away.

----------- CLIMAX------------

I found out that he got the number of my closest friend. They turned to be avid textmates. I warned my friend not to reply back. She said, it's too late because they are already textmates
Reaction: All I can say OK.

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The next day, I saw a text from the guy on my friend's phone. His name was Krabby (WOW!) So I asked, why Krabby? She answered, their endearment blah blah blah but it was nothing, and i shouldn't worry.
Reaction: Shit. After a night, endearment? Krabby and Patty? What the heck? OK, let it pass. I asked her to go be friends, of course that was sarcastic.

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At our English final examinations, she is seated behind me. I asked how are they etc. The talk went this way:
H: Magkatext pa rin kayo?
D: Oo, pero wala na gurl
H: Ano pinagtetext nyo. Kwentuhan mo ko Gurl!
D: Eh wala na after this day, don't expect na (kwento she means)
H: Bakit?
D: Nagkita kami, awkward kami.
H: Nagkita kayo?!? (SHOCKED)
D: oo..
H: Nagkasalubong o sinadya?
D: Inaya nya ko mag icecream ngayon pero wala lang yun.
H: Ahh inaya.. bakit dimo kinukwento sakin yan.. (turned my back)
Reaction: I can't help myself but I somewhat bursted out and had a monologue explaining to her why I feel bad. Icecream is our usual thing, and it is now theirs -WOW! I felt like crying because I can now feel that there is something, that it is more than that.

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That same night, I texted the guy. I told him to stop with whatever his trip was, without mentioning any name. He immediately replied that if it was about my friend, he is willing to stay away and so on.. We fought and harsh words were already because I really can't control my anger anymore. Then my friend texted, "wag ganyan.." Question marks??! She accused me of not listening to her, of not trusting her, that's why she don't want to explain anymore.
Reaction: WOW! If trust is the issue, I have given more than that. If me listening, I went beyond, I even asked her every time what is happening. But she was the one who refuses to tell. I really felt bad of looking like I was wrong..

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The next day, me and my friend were on the same event. She was the one aloof. And those with me with even noticed it. She didn't even bother to come over and talk to me regarding our arguement last night.
Reaction: Now, tell me what am I supposed to feel? She is aloof, why? Because she is guilty? I know she has a lot of pride in herself, she really don't know how to say sorry - I know that. But if it was nothing at all, she should've felt comfortable being around me with our other friends.

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FRESH NEWS FROM A RELIABLE SOURCE: The guy admitted to my friend that he is attracted to her that's why she stopped that something with us.
Reaction: Bullshit!! Fuck!! Wait, let me check. It's like a week since they knew each other? or like less than that? And wait, where did I knew about this, from someone else. Fuck! So all this time, it was her?!

------------ FINALE-----------

I feel bad, disappointed and betrayed.
I love HER. She is one of the few I treasure my friendship with. I trust her- so much.
But with all these things, don't I have the right to know?
She knows my story, our story. But she seemed to ignored?
And up to now, I am certain they still have communication.

These are to blame the guy actually.
He is a flirt - I now agree.
He used me - proven
He took me for granted - certain
He's an asshole - TRUE

He has a huge ego, and i'll let him be drown to that.

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I am super hurt. And I can't even function well.



Whatever happens next, I will let it be. But I am certain now that I won't make the first step. I am trying to exude my humility but it stops itself. So I will just stay here, not wait, but enjoy the next to happen.

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LEARNED:
Value those who stays.
Trust is not measured with being curious. People ask to know. Answer it, then doubt leaves. Refuse, doubt grows.
It is possible for love to ruin frienship.
Sorry is not enough when things are unforgiveable, so STOP.
Time will never heal wounds.



now answer my question on top.

CUT

AUGUST 1.


His birthday, my deadline.

Letting go was never easy, especially when you have hold on to someone so tight because he gave you a hand of promises.

It is difficult on my part because I had faith in him that he'll be there. Sounds weird, for a fact that we were never in a relationship. But the comfort I feel whenever I am talking to him, is undescribable. I feel so safe. I feel so happy that nothing would go wrong. I feel "kilig" like there's no tomorrow. I feel stupid knowing everything is inconsistent.



I trusted him and he broke it and there's nothing left anymore.


If he only knew how much I had fallen for him. How much liked him. How much I wanted to take care of him. How much I am willing to wait. How much I am hurting everyday. How much I miss him. How much I learned to love him..


His absence made me wanted him more.. But seeing him from afar, made me fall broken.


I wanted him to explain. But last Friday was enough already..


It is easy to detect when someone appreciates you, isn't it? When someone is really sincere with their words. That was the problem. If he only knew, the effort I gave with the "FAIL GIFT" I gave him, I wish it would drown him in his conscience.


I love you. I still do.. but I have to..




Let go. Cut it. Move on.

FEAR

I fear BLOOD
I fear BETADINE
I fear INJECTIONS
I fear HOSPITAL
I fear the DARK
I fear taking MEDICINES
I fear GHOSTS
I fear DEAD PEOPLE
I fear HEIGHTS
I fear being HURT
I fear WOUNDS
I fear WILD ANIMALS
I fear INSECTS
I fear DOCTORS

I fear A LOT.


I AM A COWARD. I know that for sure. I call myself brave in a sense I am not afraid of standing up for myself and for others. In that aspect, you can count on me. Other than that, you'll see me running and screaming for my life.

I AM A PARANOID. Strange people with strange things on strange situations creeps me out. I just don't know why or how, but I panic and cry.

I AM PHOBIC. I don't know what's my problem, but I have a lot of weaknesses.


Now, I AM BEING STRANGE. I really fear a lot of things especially medical-related things. My doctor godmother assumed it is because my immune system is weak, that I could not stand pain. It is ironic that I fear being hurt but I also fear being cured. Maybe because I over think that I am in pain, and I'll be forever in pain.

It is the what-if's that overshadows me whenever I am about to be cured. What if it is not effective? What if it would be much more painful? What if it can't be cured after all? What if I'll die?

that's it, I FEAR DEATH.

I fear DEATH because I LOVE LIFE. For the sole reason, I don't know how is it being dead. And, nobody can ever tell to me how is it. Moreover, a lot would prove to me how lovely is it to live life. Right? So, I'll stick to what and where I am now. -Logical? Uhuh!


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So why blog this?
Because tomorrow will be a BIG FEAR DAY for me. I am experiencing back pain for a week and I just peed with blood yesterday, and it is not my period. Scary? Very much. Back spasm? UTI? Kidney stones? Scoliosis? I DON'T KNOW. Whatever it is, I AM SCARED.

I am too scared right now that I have been crying myself to sleep, I have been asking my friends' support, and I have been googling those possible illnesses mentioned.

I am scared to step in that Health Service door and face a doctor and let her discover the REAL thing.

If it is serious, pray for me. If not, pray for me still because my back still hurts.



"Face your fears, live your dreams"
--So, easy to say but hard to live. I say, I will never try to overcome my fear because it is never part of my dream. I have sketched my dreams already, and those fears were never part of it.


P.S.
If you'll advice me to overcome them, I am telling you, you'll fail. I suggest just sympathize with me, it'll be much appreciated.

SAVED

I wake up early - earlier than the rooster.

I travel MILES to school.

I go to class and learn, because I have to.

I go to my office and work during my supposedly "BREAK."

I run from buildings to buildings for work.

I go up and down the stairs for like...10x day?!

I never stop texting.

I answer questions, most are silly questions!

I have meetings everyday.

I argue with my colleagues everyday.

I go home late that our subdivision gate closes.

I don't eat dinner because I would lose my apetite.

I directly go in front of my laptop.

I check my FB - for work again.

I study after doing my workssss.

I sleep for an hour or two.

THEN BACK TO WAKING UP EARLY.



This is sacrifice. This is passion. This is leadership. This is responsibility.
It is burdensome. It is difficult. It is tiring. It is exhausting.

I know I can still manage and get by this daily routine. I am feeling weak physically and I am feeling sickness calling me to go to bed. But I have to be strong, and I am trying to. I need help, an extraordinary help. I may have friends for entertainment. I may have my family for support. I may have my colleagues for help. But these are not enough..


I think, I NEED A SUPERHERO. save me please?

ACCEPTANCE

ACCEPTANCE.

Acceptance is a virtue that doesn't require any form of doing inn the "physical sense" of the word, it's a chosen way of being. Choosing acceptance as your predominant way of "being" transcends the limitations of the intellect opening your eyes to the matrix of illusion that so many who find themselves caught in seemingly inescapable cycles of fear, doubt worry and anxiety "perceive" as being so real.

And for me, it is the hardest thing to do-- NOW.

Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that it's the only thing that could make you totally happy? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that it bothers you everyday? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that makes your heart beat fast everytime you'll be thinking about it? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, it became your only word? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you asked everyone you know for an advice? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you're willing to fight for it? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you're willing to wait for it for so long? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you just didn't get it?

I did.

I have been aiming for a thing for the longest time now. It's been three years that I have dreamt about it. It's been three years that I have waited patiently for it. It's been three years that I have been proving myself worthy of it. But it only took three minutes to tear it all away. It happened so fast that until now I couldn't grasp how it happened. So fast, that I haven't had a chance to fought for it.

Some would say, "Fight for it still! It's not that late." It's already late. I just couldn't appeal anymore. In my world, there are those insecure people that I have to please. Not because they mean something to me, but because I want to get rid of them by being nice to them.

And others would comfort, "Maybe it's not just for you." I think not, and I'm screwing my title for that. Meant-to-be is just a faux in life. A make believe of those who are just so scared to stand up for what they really believe and want. If something happened the other way you wanted it to be, and you'll blame it on destiny, you are a coward.

I don't believe in meant-to-be's but rather in made-to-be's. You make what is for you. Even if there are odds, you will still make an effort for it. It is when you stop, because you think it is not just for you, that you lose. There is where I lost.

I still think it is for me. I know it is for me. I believe I am for that. But I lost because of a person. And that's the painful part. How I wished that I lost because of the majority, it would made things easier to accept.

Few would say, "Everything happens for a reason. believe me, believe in God." I believe so, I believe in God's powers. But it still hurts the same right now. Maybe there is a better route for me take, but how can you take the pain of disappointment away? It is easy to say and believe that God has better plans for you, but is never easy to have prayed for it for the longest time and still not get it. It is never easy to take it all in when in fact you've proven yourself that you are worthy for it. It is more never easy to accept.

I did something that made me lost it-- I never fought for it when it just didn't came for me. But it's the question, that weren't you enough? Or haven't your efforts done enough?

Those who'll read this, "Stop it Hope! Move on dude!" I will bitch! It just hurts. It is painful, just so you know. But yes, it's been two days already, so I have to get over with it. It is easy to get over with something, but it is never easy to ACCEPT.

ACCEPTANCE is the point of it all. I'll get over with it, yes I will. I can get used to being "not in charge", yes I can. But it's the acceptance in the long run that you didn't get the part.

ACCEPTANCE. argh!! Why are you so difficult? Why can't we just meet?

I say to myself, "Cry HOPE. But you have to learn to accept, because you will never be open to the "great plan for you", if you'll not accept that "great plan that was made for you."

I think I sounded confusing, but I just don't want to write it all clearly because I know I'll be back reading this and it will be harder for me to accept.

Let me drown myself in pain and give me time to accept. 'Coz seriously, it is REALLY HARD.

IMPORTANT

1...

"Importante ka sakin Hope, ok?"

He said I was IMPORTANT. He said he would love to take good care of me. He said he would stay. He said he'll always be there for me. He said I was his ONLY HOPE. But he never said anything after that..



It's been days since we last talked. Actually a day, but I dont consider yesterday's a talk -- I texted, he replied, I replied, and then that was it. And it has been days that I have been bothered with our situation. If there is such a thing as US.



When he said I was important, I assumed. But who wouldn't? I like him. I really super mega to the nth power like him. So I held on to his words. I held on too much that I can't let go now.



--It has been 3 months since we had a connection and a lot had happened already. And I'm not in the mood to tell them all because what is happening NOW is what bothers me the most.



SEGUE: IMPORTANT

-im·por·tant (m-pôrtnt)

ADJECTIVE:
Strongly affecting the course of events or the nature of things; significant:

http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/important



Define busy, he is. I know he is busy. He is the UST-Central Student Council Treasurer. His position is no joke and I am completely aware of that. He is a 5th year Engineering student doing his thesis. And I know AGAIN that Engineering is a difficult course and making a thesis takes a lot of effort and time. He is a workaholic, as everyone would define him to be. And I like him for being who he is.



I know that it's a wonder for some why I would feel bad considering all that has been described about him. I know no one would really understand me when I say I am awfully hurt. So hurt that I'm crying while I'm typing..



Do you know the feeling when you are there for a person, patiently waiting, but he can't see you? You are waiting and giving a part of you but he declines? You are standing next to him but he would walk away? And he tells you, you are important?? And oh, that was through text..



We often see each other in school but we dont even say HI- he wouldn't even give a look. We are often staying in one place but we dont mind each other. Just last wednesday, he was standing next to me while I was being a VP, and my elbow touching his arms (because he is taller) was our only connection. I would text him a good morning or good night, in a time that I know he is awake, but he wouldn't send a reply. I would text him I am not feeling well or something bad just happened, and he would just say "Kaya mo yan!" and divert the story to him. We would go online at the same time but we wouldn't buzz each other. We would have our Facebook posts that a lot would Like or comment, except for us. So is this being important? Maybe in his definition, it is.



Maybe I expected or assumed too much. At least I recognized my could-have-been fault. But I am too drowned with his words. There are a lot of things to think about or to get busy of, but when you are all alone and doing nothing and you look at your phone, you'll be waiting for a text-- I am waiting for his..



It has been weeks since I had news about him, so I don't know what is happening with him. Maybe he is into crazy stuff that I am nowhere in his mind right now. (or was I even?) I have been into a lot of things lately and I needed someone. I needed him. I want him to be here for me. I long for his presence, his presence is more than enough. But he could not and he does not.. But I want to be there for him. I really want to help him with whatever he is into. I want to take care of him, be there when he needs a hug or not. But I cannot and I may not..

My friends' would hate me because I am still don't agree with them. They told me that I AM NOT IMPORTANT TO HIM. Because for them, if I am, these wouldn't be happening. Because if I am, he would spare time for me or even give me all his time and spare a little for himself. But I disagree with no reasons. I trust him - would that be enough to debunk their points?

Actually, he wants me to wait for him. But we never agreed to that because he said he would be there.

That's the painful part.. I trusted him and he kept me waiting..



With all the things I shared, nothing is for him. These are all for me to let out because I still want to understand him. And this is the one for him..

I MISS YOU.

START

at last! I have a blog already! :))

I'm 19 years old, and I have just started a blog.

How early? or.. Why so late?

Late. For the past years, when I have come to know about blogging, I just hate it. Because I know blogging and me are mortal enemies. I'm not a diary person. I'm too lazy for this stuffs. I hate exposing too much of me. I suck in composing things. I'm scared of being judged with what I have just wrote. I'm not creative that I don't know how to put style or those HTMLs that I still couldn't get on web pages. And it would either no one would read this or a lot would. And, I think this is corny.

But I'm in so much pain or joy that I need someone or something to share it with. And blogging is the easy solution for that.

Actually, I have always thought of having a blog when I feel so sad or so happy. But I just couldn't pursue it because I'm just TOO LAZY. How did I end up doing this?

**062210. Computer Lab, ALbertus Magnus Building, UST.
--Our computer class is like a free time for us to just browse the net. Unfortunately, the social networking sites are blocked. That day, we were doing a seat work and I was done already and I was bored. So I browsed and browsed.. I searched for my best friend's blog, http://www.bombastarr.blogspot.com/, and read almost all her blogs. I enjoyed reading and I envied. Without even thinking, I found myself signing up. And here I am, writing my starter.

Now that I'm in, I couldn't see an exit.

I'm just so ecstatic right now that I'm about to post this and a second post will come right away. in 10..
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