Here I am playing with those memories again
and just when I thought time has set me free
Just when I thought when my love story chapter with him ended, I would be lying to myself even more when I say I was not hurt. It was the situation I never expected to be in nor wanted to see, but I was stuck. Imagine: You're in between the guy you love and the girl he loves. You can't walk out, you can't cry, and you can't do anything about it. Yes, I can't walk out, cry and do anything about it. And when they separated, I was still there pretending not being there. It was so stupid of me to act that way. But how do you express pain when it doesn't even matter anymore because you have to heal it?
So there's no sense pretending
My heart is not mending
I don't want to be the villain. When I saw them ok, I know I have to accept and be okay with it. Actually, even if it wasn't his ex, I have to be ok with him being with someone else.
But I never promised to be happy with it. There's a big difference with being ok with being happy, I guess I can never learn to be happy for him when I know I haven't completely removed him from my system. I don't want to be unfair with them, especially with the girl, because I know she loves him way more than I do, but it really sucks to see them slow dancing and everyone is cheering for them. Actually, I wasn't able to see it in my own eyes, my chair was facing the other way - lucky me. But it still hurts the same, because I still can't erase the fact that they did dance behind my back - and it was captured in pictures which makes it even worse.
Just when I thought I was over you
Just when I thought I could stand on my own
Well, I have to be fair to myself even for once. I should be angry with him because he was mean the whole time. He was so rude for acting that way because I know he knows I was there the whole 4 day venture. That's what hurts me the most, that he didn't even took into consideration I was there. Oh, maybe they were so in love that they were in their own world. But my presence is overpowering to not even stop him. Or maybe, he really don't recognize what we had before, which for me was something special. If the second was true, I wish him all the karma in the world. It maybe too much to ask, but maybe respect will do.
I've done everything I can to ease the pain
But only you can stop the rain
The whole awkward 4 cold days was a blessing in disguise. I think I had already deciphered why things was not working out right for me. All these time, I haven't felt disliked by him. When things would go wrong, it would be because we weren't the ones for each other. But there was still "you'll always be special no matter what" unsaid words. And that made me HOPED unconsciously, because he unconsciously makes me wait and feel worth something. That's what keeps me holding on and hurting every single day. Not until he says he doesn't like me - which he needs not to say anymore. BUT, I don't have to hear it from him anymore.
I just can't live without you
I miss everything about you
This just in, a wall post: "when I always see you, you seem very happy all the time." (Thanks!) Well, I have to be happy all the time because I have a great life and it would still be even without him. I don't want to make a hypocrite out of myself once again by saying I am moving on because I love eating - even my own words. He's a great guy and an illusion of my ideal guy. He is a huge thorn stuck and makes me bleed gravely. Atleast for now, I have to learn to stop the bleeding by believing someone deserves him more than I do. And BECAUSE I deserve more.
Here I Am by Air Supply
