I have been weary the past months that even though I tried to deny it, God's mercy and grace revealed the sins and struggles I need to repent and resolve. This resulted for my heart to be broken awfully and I take full responsibility for it. In that brokenness, I also realized how exhausted it has been for a long time now. Looking back, many reasons piled up that exhausted my heart - excluding the cardiac illness I was diagnosed with last year.
Setting the record straight, I am not comfortable when people, especially my churchmates, flatter me as someone being admired by "a lot" of men. It makes me conscious as to what could they have seen interesting about me, and eventually insecurity starts when I don't see any of "those" men step up with their serious intentions. Moreso, I didn't want a reputation of being an eye candy to define me. Tons of conversations would include pestering me with this thought that "guard your heart" has been obscured to me.
There came a time when several men laid down their intentions to me. They are godly men, brothers in Christ and good friends of mine. Obviously, none progressed to courtship or whatever next level there is. In three instances (I really hate to count it), it was a rollercoaster ride for my heart. I know the rejection must be more difficult for the guy, but what people didn't know it is fairly burdensome on my part too. Praying, discerning, seeking counsel and observing them, but only to have no for an answer. The saddest part is I lost close male friends and awkwardness has become normal when we are in the same room. It also hit me negatively to know that these men are now happily in love with their God's best. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them because this is all God's will anyway. I just wondered if I lost on this?
But when I got myself attracted to a godly man, it also didn't proceed to anything. I even ended up having so much disappointments at how seemingly mature men could be so selfish still. Then, I found myself recently highly invested on someone who doesn't love God the same way I do. I had all the warnings from this temptation but my recklessness drowned me in a lot of compromise and pain. I would tell myself that I should have known better, yet my flesh let me down.
This is when I discovered that the frailty of my heart is rooted way back to my childhood. I grew up trying to please other people's expectations, to be the better person at all times (simply by being the leader on every group projects to student organizations), and to be someone's source of happiness, comfort and wisdom. Hence, I concluded that there is no room for me to fail. Like how I got my first heartbreak 4 years ago, I also got deeply exhausted from being the "model" daughter, student, disciple, woman, etc. That when stepped foot on the world's deceitful pleasures, I was defeated by the enemy of this world.
Praise God. I thank God for redeeming me back to the right path. I have been restless concealing my struggles and I know it was the Holy Spirit convicting me to get it right. He reminded me that I am now His daughter and not of the world (John 15:19). I thank God for His forgiveness that heals me now. Despite my transgressions, He still loves me the same way - a love greater than anyone or anything.
"There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." John 15:13
I could go on sharing how God has awaken me, disciplined me and revealed His will now, but this might turn into a novel rather than a blog post. Although, I need to establish the concrete plan God is leading me to do. I desire to have that childlike faith once again. As said in Matthew 18:3, "And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." To be very dependent on God and to be protected by God from being heartbroken again. I want to go back to when I was so satisfied in God alone that I was turning to be a man-hater already. That season of my life has made me so productive at work, in discipleship and making Him known. I will purposefully avoid romantic matters to make myself pure once again. I am not setting a timeline for this as I believe there shouldn't be an end to being exclusive for the Lord.
A sermon on The Porch by Pastor Jonathan Pokluda hit me hard. He preached to pursue God immensely and faster as you can, and let a man pursue God immensely and faster as you do. Take a look whoever that man could be and check if God opens your heart.
There so much more God has revealed to me on how I can guard my heart and have it wait, but saving it on the next post. I just feel more relieved letting all these feels out and experience God's grace more after I surrendered myself again.
"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10
All from and for Him.
