ENDURING THE STRETCH

"It is finished, but not with you yet"

I love my job - the company and my colleagues. There are gray areas but imperfections are normal. Since I started in my current job until the early months of this year, people know how much I am content with my career. It is stressful and demanding, yet I can sleep with a fulfilled spirit. I was even given an opportunity to share workplace testimony twice in our church. I was also blessed with a work recognition that I will never take the credit for. Simply God's grace. 

True enough, life goes on until we are dead. And the road is not always smooth or straight. Midway to this year, a rocky and dark road in my workplace surprised me. There are handful of reasons for it that I may not be able to disclose fully. In a nutshell, I felt unmotivated with what I am doing. I do finish my deliverables but I don't feel like tapping myself on the back for it. The 5-year to 10-year career plan suddenly haunted me. Before when we are asked where or how do you see yourself in the future, a vague "I want to be successful or happy" answer is enough. But I guess this is quarter-life crisis - when things just got real-er and real-er. I am not fully convinced that what I am currently doing is where I see myself growing old in. It's an extreme contrast to the simple life I hoped for. 

In times of distress, I cry my heart out to God for help. I am ashamed of this, of reading the bible to answer my questions or seeking God during the bad times only. How gracious is He who gives without reproach despite it all. (James 1:5) As I start my search for clarity and peace of mind, I stumbled upon the life of the Israelites in the book of Exodus. (read here) God promised to bring them to the promise land and it took them 40 years in the wilderness. It's so strange for a good God to give them an easier, shorter route. But that's how He shows His love for us. In their journey, their sinfulness were magnified and God didn't tolerate any of it. He disciplined it, yet constantly provided for their needs. And yes, He never broke the promise. He is not a genie, He is God - holy, loving, perfect, just, merciful and the list of good attributes goes on. 

That's how He loves me (us) as well. The burden got heavier and longer for a couple of months. I tried hard to shake it off but my heart was still restless. With the help of my accountability partners, I gained wisdom on how to see and pray for my situation. True enough my heart was beating for wrong motives. I keep on asking for fulfillment when it's my choice to be happy about with what I do. I forgot to appreciate having a job that provides for me and my family. I begged for breakthroughs when my situation was already a start to it. I want to be competitive for who or what, when in fact I am working for the Lord. My reward is already secured in heaven, I am to live my purpose of being a witness wherever I am in. 

GOD IS FAITHFUL. If there's a sound to this blog, it will be in the highest volume. God used my mid-year review to fully assess myself and to reveal the reason for the storm. My only prayer was for God to give me confidence to objectively tell my boss how I feel towards work and that I may receive well what my boss will tell me. Just before I raised my heart's concern, my boss already told me her next plans for me. It was the opposite of what I wanted, but surprisingly it gave me so much peace. I am convinced that God's hand was over my boss' decision. I am now doing a task that I have been dreading to do but that's how He loves (me). 

God is more concerned with my character than my success. He knows me inside and out, so He knows what I need to improve on. God's great will is to make His children Christ-like, and directing my career is only a tool to fulfill that. As I seek Him, He aligns my desire to His. (Psalm 37:4) Amazingly, our lesson in our discipleship group is about the book of James that talks about what genuine faith really is. 

"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:2-3

My faith, patience and love are being stretched to be more enduring so I could finish well. Taking a new turn again in my life, I am so grateful to know that God has never and never will forsake me. My weakness and lack of faith was never a reason for Him to love less because that's who He is. (1 John 4:8) I am excited to write another opportunity that God is opening up for me, but I will keep still for awhile and wait for His time. Meanwhile, I am reminded of my purpose of being a witness for Him by worshiping Him.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God--this is your true and proper worship." Romans 12:1

All from Him, all for Him. 

MY PURPOSE

Sitting in a corner of a noisy coffee shop, looking at the face of each crowd - wondering why they are storming up a should-be-quiet cafe on a Sunday night, it got me thinking why am I also out here? Alone?

In everything that we do, places we go to, words we say, and expressions we make, there is a big WHY in all of it. "Life is all about choices" - this fact will never go down the drain. Our lives are driven by choices we make or didn't make. There are a lot of things we can't control (yes) that may affect our current situations (yes), however, in the end we still have the choice to be affected or not. The dead end only happens as we die in the end. Does that makes sense? Our daily decisions build up to the weekly, yearly and our entire stay in this temporal earth. Our moment by moment decisions are motivated by a bigger decision. So, there is definitely an answer to my earlier question which is another question: what is my purpose?

7He said to them: “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. 8But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Acts 1:7-8

Last year at the retreat, where I fully committed my life to Jesus, we were asked to set our biblical visions in life. With all honesty, I was lazy enough to take it seriously. Little did I know that in a few months, I will answer the call of discipleship. It's a decision that I never regretted and I am sure I won't ever. I have never been so caring to people I just met for a short time, I have never invested so much on serious and personal issues of someone, and I have never been so mindful of my decisions as it will reflect on them in other ways possible. Then, there came opportunities for me to be a vessel of His word. May it be in the workplace or with friends, it always humbles me to my knees to know that I am being used for God's glory. And in the church service earlier, the message hit through me. It talked about John the Baptist, who was an ordinary man like any of us, but used extraordinarily for the audience of One.

Wiping my tears through the closing prayer and worship, God affirmed me that I (all of us actually) are to live for the purpose of His glory on earth. It sounds prophetical, evangelical and over-the-top (especially to those who maybe wandering still in the field), but the amazing 2 years of my walk was never about MY decision. My choices were nothing but a speck of dust to His sovereignty.  Yes, I still do have control over my body, thoughts and actions, but what I realized is that when we truly grasp the idea of accepting Christ in our lives, our moment by moment choice becomes an entirely 1 purpose - to glorify Him in our lives. Our uniqueness make our application of this purpose different from one another. Having this in mind, it spark the desire in my heart to legitimize my life's unique purpose in His body. And as they say, if it's not on Facebook, it's not official; but as for me, blogging something makes it official and important. 

Taking into account the journey of being in a relationship with God, I am confident now of what I want to do for the rest of my life. The bible verse above fits perfectly it - to witness changed lives of a rusty relationship to a clingy relationship with God (insert hearts here). On a personal note, there's this unexplained and explosive joy in my heart to hear testimonies of changed lives by God's grace. I love listening to brokenness - weird, right? But maybe that is where I could connect my name, HOPE, because it gets me more excited to see what and how God fixes it. The idea is not being a reason for change or photobomb that picture-perfect change, but I guess, this is how God designed me to be - to get energy from being accountable to people. 

I have mentioned a lot of times the biggest point of improvement in my character which is patience. And to realize that witnessing lives changed, gives me so much fulfillment, is truly a cure to it. This gives me chills! How amazing is God's hand to mold my character to be ever pleasing to Him; to align my desires and goals to be more Christ-like.

If you'll ask me how I get to be a "witness"? Do I wait and sit around? Well, that's not how it works. As Jesus said above, I will never know His timeline, but I have to step out of my comfort zones and share Him. Making disciples and proclaiming Him is everyone's responsibility actually. My strategy in doing this is creating small groups in every possible areas that I am in - church, family, workplace, friends and wherever next. I find joy in gathering people, studying His word and discovering its life's application. It could be in a group or being in a usual company of a friend. 

To see myself at this point, it truly humbles me to get it all figured out. It's definitely not from my own wisdom, but God's grace that changed my life completely. I am 100% sure it will do the same for each person who will accept it. It is written, it is finished. 

Just to share, I wrote the first half of this blog the following day in a different coffee shop - a more quiet one. Across the room is a group of ladies (who seem to be followers of Christ, yay!), are praying deeply but one of them is clearly not paying attention. Her eyes are open and wandering around without interest to the petition. It strickens my heart a bit. With no judgements, this lady is a proof of the need for more witnesses. So, sitting alone in a corner, I am purposefully blogging as a way to pledge my commitment to His work. 

All from and for Him.