When I committed to
discipleship, I was well informed of the joys and pains of it. I am a disciple
too - a heavy extra baggage myself - so I know how difficult it could be to
have someone accountable to you. But I have seen God’s faithfulness even more true
in this area of my life. God slowly prepared me for it through trainings in our
CCF Church and identified the most fitting schedule for me. He assigned very
wonderful and diverse girls under my care. I started with one, who eventually
had to leave for studies abroad, but replaced it immediately with a couple
more. He equipped me with materials to teach, wisdom to counsel, strength to
share, and love to freely give. Although, the road to having a “group” was not
smooth because it was 1-on-1 for months. I could remember how each of them was an answered prayer but I am still in awe how everything just happened – totally
out of sight, rather through faith in God.
The journey is not
a steady ride. Praise God it isn’t because it pulls me closer to Him all the
more. When one's eternal destination is on your shoulders, who wouldn't fall on
their knees for grace? But they fill my heart with inexplicable joy and fulfillment whenever I see them resist temptations, facilitate devotions, share their Bible
reflections, encourage and pray for one another, praise God for simplest and difficult
situations, and so much more. It's beyond one's mortal capacity. I couldn't take
credit for anything really.
This year started on
a shaky ground towards my career direction, then I hit a health issue on my
birthday month that got worse as days go by. There were moments that I would break down, suddenly one of my girls
would cry for out for help, that I had to suck the tears up and pretend to be
OK. Sometimes their concerns would be so demanding that my selfishness would
tell me, "Wait, can I focus on myself for awhile?" But the Holy
Spirit grips my heart tight reminding me that God loves these girls so much and
how can I treat them less than their worth? In the past few difficult months,
they have been my motivation to persevere in running this race. I swore to God
that things may fail around me but I will continue to be faithtful in this
calling - every single day.
However, God has
different plans. One by one, my girls seem to be out of reach because it is
God's will in their lives. One already bid temporary farewell because of family
concerns, three are busy in school, and one will eventually study overseas.
So, my HOPE is on two girls to be consistently around. But just when I was
excited to teach and hype our trio, one of them is going back to the province
for good, hence, leaving us - me.
Hear that
shattering sound? That's my heart. I felt like Job in the Bible wherein everything I hold
dearly is being taken away from me. Especially, that one thing I left my
HOPEFUL heart in. I did question God. I never expected to cry for days actually
(even while writing this). I can see the "giving up" door once again, then God brings me back the reality that 1) He has everything under perfect
control, 2) it is for all our good, 3) so why do I grumble on my standard of discipleship, 4) when it should be Jesus' who modeled patience and understanding for His rather difficult apostles.
This blog post is also dedicated to my dearest Harley, who's leaving us as how God called her for.
Dear Har,
Our discipleship relationship is very short - two months that was. Despite of that I feel so invested, attached and have much to say to you :( I feel frustrated because I think I haven't counseled enough or made enough time for you. You and I have more life stories to share. It breaks my heart to see you go far from us, because I've realized I'm not good with handling LDRs. But you leaving exposed my sinfulness - pride, frustration and lack of faith. So I've learned to praise God for this moment. Thank you, Har! Thank you for opening yourself up to me and the group. Thank you for praying, learning and having fun with us. Thank you for reminding me of not being complacent, seizing every opportunity of loving my girls, because I'll never know when our roads will split up. What keeps me so at peace is that you obeyed God's call for you and that you will be more happier having your family close with you. And, that you will stay in our group chat! :) Accountability and e-discipleship continues (drama ko lang talaga). But I pray you find a new set of accountability group and ministry there. Just remember that you always have a family here in Manila - praying and cheering for you! And of course, that He who began the good work in you will fulfill 'til the very end (Philippians 1:6) God is with you and that is enough for me to say good bye :) I love you, Har!
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face." Job 13:15 is an extreme level of faith that is tough to keep up with. I aspire to have this locked in my mind all the time. But it is tough.. So I find rest in this verse on Matthew 11:36, "Blessed is anyone who doesn't stumble on account me." My joy is complete knowing that I focused my faith on Jesus, no matter what He does or intends to do in my life, because He loves me the most. That goes all to my girls, my God's best in this season, that wherever God leads them, they have my full support and love. This newly vacant slot on my plate allows God to fill it once again - grace after grace.
All from and for Him.
