LETTERS TO A #4

Dear Awesome,

While my thoughts and feelings are still not in tact, what I do know is that I miss you. There’s this aching feeling to express, to talk to you. 

I feel terrible because we’ve been doing well recently for quite a time. Like what I told you, obeying His instruction for us to be good Christian friends wasn’t easy; it entails for me to sacrifice, discern a lot and pursue God first over my desires. But the process has been a blessing for me. So now, I have put this burden on myself that I messed up, I got too impatient, and my selfishness got in the way of God’s timing. You crying is still vivid and has been haunting me. I said a lot things I don’t mean and deeply regret now, I’m sorry if those words stuck in you. Even if our last convo ended “well and good”, we both know that there are a lot to process individually. And it’s been taking a while, a little too long, quite a stretch to my patience again. 

“God knows what we can handle.” He knows I can’t bear waiting, and knowing I don’t will make me depend on Him. More than a year. I’ve never prayed this long for someone, I’ve never been so hopeful about the promise. That’s the problem, I realized. I’ve focused on the  promise too much that I forgot about the Promise Giver. I eventually placed my trust on you, mistaken your actions and words as His timing and will. God has revealed this to me the past days. It’s been a tough process to refocus, however it’s necessary. 

You told me that you still have a lot of fixing as you want to be the best of yourself for me. As I told you in a blur, “who told you I want your best version”, came out from a heart who genuinely sees a godly man in you - a best for me already. I know your insecurities, your mess and your inadequencies, but I see the good in you as bigger and brighter. Yes, maybe I don’t know the cost yet, then this is love after all. And love is a commitment towards imperfect people to seek their highest good which often requires sacrifice. 

Is this God’s will for us not to talk first? Is God allowing this space for us? Is this an instruction from Him for you not to message or avoid me? Is this another start of us losing the friendship again? Is this an end to the waiting? These questions and a whole lot more are disturbing me now.

But Awesome, I know we’ll get past this. Maybe not the ending I’ve been hoping for a long time now, but as I’m reminded to set my eyes on the Who not the why’s, the absolute truth I hold tight on is that our God is good and perfect. After all that has happened, I know that with you, I’ve seen love clearer - God’s love that is. So, I praise God still. It’s painful, I’m hurting.. but it’s worth it. 

I hope you’re doing well, Awesome. I’m not sure if I’ll see you for Christmas or NYE, so happy holidays! 

Love,

Ganda 


All from and for Him. 

SHORTEST BLOG

I have been trying to find the write words to express myself. My thoughts aren't fully processed yet, that's why I can't make sense of what I really wanted to write, but I just want to write out whatever I can. I had multiple attempts, deleted long paragraphs already because I see the flaws in my words (beyond the grammar!).

Words are failing me now, but I want to express. This is frustrating.. :( 

LETTERS TO A #3

Dear Awesome,

A lot has happened concerning us in a span of 1 month. I’ve been keeping in my prayers and little notebook how I’ve been feeling, and I think God is getting confused with me already. 

I praise God for that 4-hr catch-up, after 2 months of no communication, that cleared the air between us. Thank you for listening to me and made me feel understood. It was what I needed then, I really missed my bestie #4. I’m glad he’s *quite* back. I praise God for allowing us to be race buddies. I wouldn’t have made it within the cutoff time if not for you. If I could just enumerate every single act I noticed sweet and thoughtful, I would but those will be always kept well in my “thank you awesome” pocket heart. I praise God that the kind, supportive and caring you that I know is within reach - or that’s what I thought..?

But I’ve been also nagging God to guard my heart. I know for certain you show kindness to everyone or anyone. However, I would be a hypocrite if I don’t think, even for a little while, how you felt towards me before. So it confuses me. It became more complicated now, and I hate it. I hate how I need to think minimum 10x before I message you, respond to you, or spend time with you. There’s some awkwardness we can’t deny. Are these for our benefit? Is this part of our pursuit of God - whether as friends or *potentially* partners? 

And then, there’s a part of me doubting in God. When we reconnected we missed out on one thing: clearing out the next steps. You know this. I believe this is why things are complicated. As much as I dont want to bother about it, but you gave me your word that we will. That thought led to more promises that haven’t materialized still. Little things you said you’ll do to this long-overdue conversation. Words being my love language, your words matter to me. It’s that important.

As it gets complicated, my hopes lessen. Sad. It’s weird that I am getting more convinced that you are more compatible with other girls actually. I think it would be easier, less complicated, if it was that girl(s). Well, we’re not on the same page on everything, so maybe.. Sad. 

How I wish I could write a happier letter to you someday - God-willing. I’m really anxious now. I don’t blame you, never will I, but with many stresses around me too, you’ve become part of it. So how I wish it won’t be complicated anymore, but what will that be for us then? 

Sincerely,

Hope

All from and for Him. 

(RE)COMMITMENT

"In you, LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, LORD, my faithful God."

- Psalm 31:1-5

Five years ago, I heard the gospel in its truest form and placed my faith in Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. I can't remember the exact day but every single week for few months, when we were asked to pray the sinner's prayer, I would join in surrendering my life to God. It took me a year to publicly declare my commitment in Jesus Christ and my renewed faith being born again by the grace of God. (full testimony)

It felt like a honeymoon phase. I had that deep thirst to know Him more, to find my worth in Him and to learn how to love Him back. I became preoccupied with God matters - serving Him in different ministries, actively involving myself in discipleship group, leading my own discipleship group, putting up workplace bible studies, attending any seminar or event for me to learn and worship, and was at my most consistent in quiet time. 

Five years later, I was as broken as I was before I met Christ. This has got to be the most challenging season of my life. Honeymoon stage is over now; I have entered a "dark valley". It was a long journey that lasted over a year. (bits & pieces of it here)

Discouraged, anxious, defeated and scarred. I invested a lot in worldly matters that I let it affect my discipleship, worship and intimacy with God. I had the toughest battle with my stronghold in the flesh and the lies through people I don't have any bad blood with. I took a break from all the God matters, I caved in. 

God didn't take everything away from me like Job (praise God!), but I was in so much despair like King David. Like that night 5 years ago, as I cry myself to sleep, pleading God for peace while not making sense of words coming out of my mouth, He reminded me of the life of King David - a man after God's own heart. He is regarded as one of the most faithful man in the Bible, but he was also tested, wandered in the wilderness, and stumbled because of his flesh. In 1 Samuel 22, when the dispute between Saul became unbearable, he feared and caved in. He hid to rest from the troubles outside. He kept escaping. He kept inquiring God if Saul is still after his death, God said yes. And yet, he remained steadfast. In his little ways, he even saved the city of Keilah (1 Samuel 23). When Saul was already delivered to him vulnerable, he didn't take advantage. He remained faithful (1 Samuel 24). 

And there is the life of Onesimus, little known Bible character in the book of Philemon written by the Apostle Paul. With only one chapter, this book is a powerful book of forgiveness, redemption and love all because of Jesus. The Apostle Paul asked Philemon to accept Onesimus back - a former slave who betrayed Philemon and ran away to cross paths with Apostle Paul. Philemon being a known believer, Apostle Paul had that confidence for reconciliation as it is expected being anchored in Jesus Christ. Although, I saw more of myself in Onesimus, on how he was described in the book.

"Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back forever— no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a fellow man and as a brother in the Lord"

- Philemon 1:15-16

Perhaps, the reason why I had to be attracted with someone I don't share the same faith with is to realize that I will not experience that true love and joy with an unbeliever. Perhaps, the reason why I had to face persecution at work is to learn to stand firm with integrity. Perhaps, the reason why I had to face conflict in the ministry is to grow my humility before God and others. Perhaps, the reason why I had to surrender my ministry work is to clear my heart again knowing that it should be for Him and nothing else. Perhaps, the reason why I had to face so much anxiety is to mature in my pursuit of God. 

Still, I don't know the exact reason/s. My biggest takeaway from this dark valley is that our walk with God isn't so much about understanding, rather about embracing God's will. We will never know God's will for every single thing He allows to happen in ourselves, we are called to accept them knowing who He is - especially that He is good all the time. Perhaps, this will not make sense now or never make sense at all in my lifetime, but it is all right! What is enough is that God loves me so much and I would rather rest in that love than in the enemy's or the world's lies. 

So after four years, I publicly declared my commitment with God through water baptism. The scars are there, trauma still kicks in. However, I am at a point of desperation to obey God at all cost. I decided to do it in the same retreat as it was important that my spiritual family, who has been so instrumental in my healing, are there for accountability.

Entering a new chapter wherein I have a better understanding of what it takes to follow Jesus. Without going through the dark valleys, I will not have a better appreciation of the Lamp upon my feet. All those lies I faced gave me a better grip of this two-edged sword Word of God. And, I discipleship means so much more to me now. It's definitely sweeter the second time around! 

I don't know how long this chapter will be - I hope for longer better days. But life has bad days and that is fine. Life has got to imperfect to be dependent on a perfect God. If I fail again, I guess I should know better? Hopefully! 

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

- 1 Peter 1:6-7

All from and for Him.

SELF-REWARD

Sitting in my office, stealing a few minutes from work (sorry Lord), I see my work verse on the board, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human." (Colossians 3:23)

In every situation, especially when I do something brilliant, I keep myself grounded in that command. That I pursue excellence and consider my excellence as a form of worship for the Lord. But maybe just not at this particular moment.. 

I think I have stretched myself too thin the past weeks to months. A friend asked me last night if I am happy, I can genuinely say that I am happy as it is a choice to do so. I like what I am doing overall, however, there are flaws definitely. Creative inputs are not being honored, moody to difficult colleagues, wasted efforts due to delays, and etc turn my heart to grumble. Stress and grumbling heart are recipes to burnout. 

Today in particular, we won an internal global contest - amongst 7,000 hotels that is! I am grateful for the support and congratulatory remarks from our management and colleagues. But there seems to be something wrong in me. I strangely desire for more than a tap on the back. This is entitlement for sure. Trust me, I don't like this feeling. Maybe it started with a "mentor" I talked to today who gave me the impression that we copied them, that our initiative isn't that compelling at all, that isn't good enough. It got me. Not that what she is saying are true, but I think I am still trapped in her superiority complex. 

Discouragement seems to be my new enemy now. I should be celebrating, praising God for this blessing, but I am here pouring my heart out that was filled with negatively. I am indeed distracted that I can't wait for the weekend off for a spiritual getaway, to bask in His goodness while I am out of the stressful box of work. 

I yearn for a reward. May it be a good meal, llao llao with almond toppings, sweet little gesture, shopping spree or just a tight hug with a whisper that "you are doing great, Hope! way greater than you should" Don't we all want to hear this? If it is not too much to ask, we get to be assured in every single day of our worth, that our labor is never in vain, and that you are appreciated.

While writing that previous paragraph, I am reminded of the most gratifying assurance awaiting me at the end of my labor here on earth. 

"His master replied, "Well done good and faithful servant. You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!" Matthew 25:21

*I cry* 

Just for this moment. Just today, Lord. Forgive me for stealing 30minutes from work. 

All from and for Him.

LETTERS TO A #2

Dear Awesome,

How I wish I can tell you that I am so happy to witness you be annoyingly awesome facilitating the workshop for our retreat. You are gifted with public speaking and charm (ugh) to make sure the program run, not just smoothly, but also engaging. You were so candid, funny (but few jokes were off, but I'll let it pass), smart that-I-don't-even-have-to-say-it, and endearing making everyone actively participate. I don't know if you see my smiles, but my heart is beaming with joy to have a good view of how well you did on stage. 

How I wish I can celebrate with you to see God's faithfulness unfold in your life. Well, I am not aware of how you have been lately, but with what I see, it is worth praising God. You were made to speak truth, serve others and share Jesus - I believed in this long ago.

How I wish I can cheer you on more. This makes me cry every single time.. I might sound possessive but please hear me out; to have seen you walk through dark valleys with a heart filled with so much hope, I share that hope for victory as well. And we went through seasons of trial like at the same time, so hidden at the bottom of my heart, I hoped we taste breakthroughs together (separately) too. I want to affirm you (with so much sarcasm, of course) because I know you have that tendency to still doubt God and yourself. Whatever it is to help, how I wish I can lend a hand, ear and encouragement. 

I don't know how you think of me or if you even think of me. I absolutely notice and took note how you are not supporting my work for quite a while now. I know I am trying to clear my social media about you, but it hasn't lessen in any way my care for you. So maybe, you avoiding me is an indication that yours has lessened. This I fully accept. What is important is to see God's will come to pass for our lives because of our obedience. 

As tears seal this letter, how I wish I can tell you all these someday, somehow. Maybe or maybe not..

Sincerely,
Hope


All from and for Him.

LETTERS TO A #1

Dear Awesome,

I have a notebook with “You Are Awesome” cover dedicated for my prayers and thoughts about you. I started writing to God and you since October 2018, but prayers have started since Lebron Rocks was created. The cover fits you well, fits our faithful God, and our story I assume. You are awesome - my snob self has to admit. 

Today was rough. And tough days move me to write. Twitter is an option but my blog is more personal and special. I woke up feeling sad over choices I made that I hoped I never did. With so much pride, I had to own up to it but really, I am in misery. I miss you, Awesome. 

There are so many stories, so many questions, and so many moments I want to share with you. I miss your stories, your encouragements, and most of all, your annoying self. I’d rather be annoyed by you now than nothing, really. 

I am sorry for decisions I had to make. For not being there, for disappointing you (if I do, though). But I’ll continue to write so you know how awesome you are to me. And maybe, until the misery is gone. 

Sincerely, 
Hope


All from and for Him 

CONFESSION

I have a confession to make. A struggle that haunts, hinders and consumes me for so long. But allow me to start with a disclaimer of why I am opening up my long-running struggle.

Disclaimer: God said so. I have been trying to deal with this alone since day 1 of having it and wanting it gone. It was only when I listened to God's instruction of opening up that I felt the biggest relief. It is still there but I was more certain that it will get better. Secondly, I know there are a lot like me out there who opts to hide in their shame closets and who chooses to battle on their own. I don't think I have to share this on a larger public platform (i.e. church's pulpit); however, to you who stumbles upon this, your best option is God - nothing is greater than His redemptive work.

Truth is..

My deepest struggle is lust - in thoughts and actions. This is a shock for many, well don't worry because I am also surprised for myself. I think I have built well a goody two shoes image wherein lust will never be attributed to me. But I have been open with my sexually immoral first relationship that ended more than 5 years ago. This has become the testimony of my encounter and acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I regret it so much, if only I didn't have to go through it to meet Christ, I would find all means to do so.

With so much shame, 5 years into my walk, it is still in me. It still creeps in my thoughts on bad days. There are times that my flesh tickles on seeing pornography or even romantic images. There are times before I sleep or when I wake up that an unwanted sensation will be felt. There are times I want to be hugged or hug someone just because. There are times seeing a guy would make me panic for no reason. There are times I feel evaded and exploited easily just by mere compliment on my body, moreso, when I am touched by a man. There are times that scenes of the filthy past would flash before my eyes. There are times that I would cling on the thoughts longer than it should be, and worse. won't even be sorry about it.

This led me to be a man-hater/man-awkward girl. I thought that (most) men would be my fall on purity. Men are more helpless in controlling their fleshly desires. Even with "options" already, I found it hard to trust men because in reality, I can't trust myself either. I longed for someone who will lead me in purity, I held tight on this desire for *almost* 5 years.

Then, I failed myself and I failed Him the most.

I recently wrote about the guy, who didn't share the same faith, I opened up my heart with. I invested a lot in whatever we shared in the hopes he is on the pursuit of Jesus too. God knows best indeed when He instructed us not to be yolked with an unbeliever. I held more his words than God's, leading to my destruction. My church family didn't approve of him of course, so I cheated my way to knowing him more alone. The time we spent together (alone) unearthed the lust I struggled to bury in me. I was a total wretch. So hopeless.

The REAL Truth is..

Jesus suffered, was crucified, died, buried and resurrected for this sin as well. As He defeated the grave, He has shown that this lust - I thought I couldn't ever get rid of - is nothing on Him. He has overcome it. All of it. Every single time I fell, He paid for it. Wow. 

Surely he took up our pain

    and bore our suffering,

yet we considered him punished by God,

    stricken by him, and afflicted.

5 

But he was pierced for our transgressions,

    he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was on him
 and by his wounds we are healed.

6 

We all, like sheep, have gone astray,

    each of us has turned to our own way;

and the Lord has laid on him

    the iniquity of us all.

Isaiah 53:4-6

What I just said is very "Christianese" but there's no better way to tell the truth. Failure is something I fear - well, who likes it genuinely anyway? So, failing the nth time brought me to darkest valley of unworthiness, shame, guilt and suffering. Yet, God is still there alive in me. I can hear His whispers of assurance and discipline, I can feel His embrace of comfort, I can see His love through people who loves me. Then, I made a choice like the first time I placed my faith in Jesus. I chose to believe that by His wounds we are healed - past tense, done, it is finished. 

Yet again, realizing the healing takes a long time is a different story. Wounds have remained scars. Remaining in my flesh means temptation is still out there. What I did? I rested. I laid this heavy burden on the Lord to fight for me as He promised in Matthew 11:28. Faith moment by moment, resting moment by moment.

Truth now..

It has become more real to me now. The struggle is still there, maybe this is my thorn in the flesh; as it stings to make me so weak, I am being humbled to rely on God for strength. I learned to count the triumphs of moments I was able to escape the thought, from blocking the guy and other distractions out, and hours to days of purity. I sometimes slip a step back but at least I am making more steps forward. I learned to rejoice in hope. (Romans 12:12)

During the recent prayer and fasting week, I was so determined to settle this with the Lord. However, God has better plans - higher than our ways indeed. On the first night, He urged me to come to Him unclean, bearing all my "illnesses", with this lust on top of the list. Being exposed with imperfections was surprisingly comforting. Why? Because I learned to acknowledge even more that I don't have any power to do this on my own. All God. The next night He spoke to me of the "medications" with discipline and discipleship going in at first. As I thought that's the biggest breakthrough already, the third day's theme was all about "second chances". Our God is a God of second chances. Just check the book of Philemon for the story of Onesimus as one of the greatest testimony of redemption. Amazing. Too much grace. 

I am still on a high from the fresh encounter with the Lord again. That like Onesimus, as said by Paul, the reason I was taken aback was for a greater purpose of sanctification. For me to be molded even more, scratching off the rough edges, to experience Him more eternally eventually. (Philemon 1:15)

This isn't the end, for sure. The battle continues, thorn still stuck within, scars remain visible.. But Jesus died for me because He loves me regardless of it all. He loves me. 

10 

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 

Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Psalm 51:10-12

All from and for Him. 

HOWEVER

I talk a lot, or simply love talking. I am also very opinionated and even if I don’t know anything about a topic, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask and involve myself in the conversation. I rarely get speechless, not even when I’m scared because I would scream to save my life. For one, I am lost for words, when I get tired of talking non-stop, of course. And then when sweet gestures are made for me - a preferential one I couldn’t explain. You left me speechless. 

I received the most beautiful birthday letter (thus far). It was too profound that made me crying on the first paragraph, laugh on the next, and blush all the way through. I still couldn’t explain in detail how I feel but I shall continue to write.

Until now, I am amazed at how someone could get me without trying so hard. Not neglecting the other “concealed” great efforts: driving the lucrative streets of Makati to buy my favorite cake, buying my favorite cake just because it’s my favorite, getting me yellow roses just because it’s yellow and I like flowers, surprising me in the middle of late night at work. The thoughtfulness. WOW. 

Don’t get me wrong. I highly appreciate those; I am forever indebted. But see, it’s the unpublicized letter published personally just for me. This is how I see clearly the sincerity that matters the most. And your intentions, too? 

I love how I am admired, yet humbled for pointing at the intangible traits made only possible by Christ’s work in me. I love how I am appreciated by the same things I appreciate. I love how it was intellectually stimulating with humor and charm. I love how the exact words of God to me were highlighted like there is such a coincidence. I love that is was long enough for me to read it at least 20 times as of today. I love how “however” is used at the end of the sentence. 

I couldn’t find any fault to it (grammatically, none for sure). Cynical as I can be, not being able to find one, made me feel something could be wrong, however. 

I am at still a point of healing from the pains, recent immoralities and anxieties. I know we are all depraved and our Christian walk is not always smooth sailing, waves will get rough at some point. But, we can’t journey to an uncertain season.

“Now, faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Assurance is synonymous to certainty. You know well this passage. Allow me to reiterate beauty of this piece in the Scripture, however. In this chapter, the great men of faith in the Old Testament were enumerated from Abraham, Moses, Noah, Jacob, etc. All of whom showed faith in action from the hope given to them. In fact, we can learn that our faith is not blind after all; we have a very clear sight of our future in the promise of heaven. 

In application to our present circumstances, we might not know yet what (who) is God’s best for us someday. Our faith is in the truth that God knows what is best for us. Here I am saying that I unearthed uncertainties from the letter. It was that long enough for me to be led to somewhere I don’t know. I know this is not your intention. 

It was my overthinking that got me to a point of insecurity. And I hate feeling this (towards you). I am just lost in my speechlessness. So, I am finding resolution to this from the God who knows my middle name. 

Taking some serious time off to have a more definitive response to the letter. I hope by the time I read it the 21st time, I will be more assured of my faith and feelings. I hope you will too. 

All from and for Him. 

AGAINST ALL HOPE

Two years ago, I wrote a letter to my future Valentine if there could ever be. I believe it is one of the most beautiful I did for who could be my "God's best." But the reality is, I have a lot to apologize to him because I failed on my promises. God is just so good for restoring me now and the promises I made to Him for him. 

A year ago, I started to pray for someone without any name. God impressed in my heart how beautiful marriage centered in Christ could really be, and the desire for it grew. I was single for 4 years then, so I guess it's just about time to step out of my trust issues on men. I met someone along the way who I thought was "the one", but apparently not (see Long Overdue Emotions). In the tug-of-war of seeking God about the I-thought-he-is-the-one, God opened my disillusioned heart to who-could-be-the-one-He-allows-for-me-to-be-with. 

So, this is not a story of how we fell in love, rather a story of how beautiful it could still be even if it is the opposite. 

I have never met someone I am so compatible with. I still can't believe at times how we ship or can ship the same interests. People often tell me I am so choosy but there are only few things that attract me easily - and this man was an easy prospect. Even my friends would easily guess. Set aside the non-negotiables and preferences, it is the intellect, wit and people-person character that get me. Because long, sensible conversations to anything under the sun mean a lot to me, I became easily comfortable with him (that right now I hope I could talk to him about something I saw on twitter). 

As I get to know him, I saw someone I could really trust. I know he wasn't making an effort nor his best foot was forward, I am impressed at how attentive, thoughtful, protective and genuine he is. It's the little gestures of him remembering, of him being patient and of him being understanding. There are so much I could on gushing about but I learned to guard my heart and keep "kilig" moments buried in my prayers. 

Right when my heart was off the track, I found a good friend in him. Little did I know that God will use it to direct me back on the right way. When I realized we could be best of friends, I started praying. I remember how I prayed long ago for a partner who is my best friend also. I remember my prayer in CCT Tagaytay years ago for a ministry partner whom I share the same calling. I remember the prayer God taught me recently, to pray for someone who runs the same race at the same pace for the same reason as you do. I saw those possibilities in him.

Our friendship is so beautiful; so beautiful that I don't mind to let go of my prayers to keep it like this way. This is how I realized Romans 12:9 should be to true to me. To love sincerely, hate any undesirable things, and hold on to what is good in the eyes of God.

Lately, I see our friendship crumble. We are going through personal trials that got the best of us. I know how difficult his struggles are, yet I have my own anxieties to deal with. To be honest, I am starting to feel frustrated and discouraged. I am seeing how it would not work for us eventually. Sad. I felt like another beautiful thing in my life is being taken away from me. It could be the enemy's way again of pulling me down, but I would rather see it towards God's way. 

As the song goes, "if more of You, means less of me, take everything". So, I am surrendering all my desires to the God who loves me more than he or anyone can. What a tragic love story this sounds, but I have never felt so at peace to make this decision. I think the hidden attraction is not helpful for us, no matter how genuine I could be to offer platonic friendship only. 

Last night I was pondering on this and God's Word was Romans 4:18, "against hope, Abraham in hope believed.." Just like Abraham, his unwavering faith was counted righteousness to him even if circumstances show otherwise (God's promise for him to be the father of all nations but his wife was barren until 90yo!). Then, another  powerful verse came to mind, a verse that means something for both of us:

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer" Romans 12:12

With a confused heart, I will hope more for the beautiful story that is yet to unfold - may it be with him or not, I know it's worth the wait. I will be still and know God is above of it all. But I can't wait for 2019 to be over. 

All from and for Him.

PRELUDE

From the last post to this day, there were a lot of things that happened already - mostly on the low side. How I wish I could share all of it here, however, I have been running against time lately that I can't keep up anymore. The conflict I recently posted about worsened while I was struggling to open a hotel. I was down in the dumps physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. As I crawl my way out of the first month of the year, it was God's mighty hand that never let go. As cliché as it sounds, I survived by God's grace. 

I started this XX days of healing, privately on my own, and I am already on my 6th day. It has been so wonderful! Each day I face every pain buried in my mind and heart and deal it with God through His Word. There's a pain that I dealt with for a couple of days. I never appreciated this much crying myself to sleep talking to God - it felt so good! I am far from 100%, and I am afraid to reach it actually, but I learned to celebrate progress no matter how tiny it could be. 

Actually, I woke up in a good mood to write about love matters. But it wouldn't make sense if I don't make this prelude. I will tell more about it on the next entry though. If my hate relationship with time worsens that I won't be able to continue or share more about my healing journey, I have this small piece to remind me of one morning wherein I woke up feeling joyful and content with the Lord after a very long time. 

All from and for Him.