Maybe I'm just exhausted and stressed from work, or maybe it's a distraction to be productive, or maybe it's the recent hurtful attack from someone in church, or maybe because I saw a glimpse of him today, or maybe the wounds have healed or maybe it hasn't really.. but today my heart is breaking again like it's a long overdue.
Today I was reminded of how I deeply invested in someone who wasn't vice versa; like if it was a gamble, he was betting on a different game, and I ended bankrupted. But I have to set the record straight, he has a good heart and I give him all due credit for putting up with all my flaws. He is a gentleman, I always felt respected and cared for, and he made an effort to put a smile on my face as much as he can. It was his personality, the person I knew beyond physical, life status or what people warned me of. There's a lot I liked about him, but there goes the first problem, none of those were on my non-negotiables.
I blame myself for compromising the past 3 years of patiently waiting on the Lord. Because of my 1st failed relationship, wherein I started a real relationship with God, I held onto the highest standards because I know that's what God wants for me (for all of us). Looking back at how I have been so conservative, reluctant even, on dealing with men before, I feel so stupid now. I have turned godly men before because I believed that they aren't God's best. And yet, with this man, who doesn't love God the same way that I do, I suddenly bent down.
I fell for all the promises especially when he crossed his heart to catch up with me on this race. But who was I kidding, I am not the Holy Spirit to change his heart. From petty broken promises like cooking my favorite kare-kare to the big ones like getting my parents' approval, I prayed for all those to happen and extended my timelines more and more. True enough, the things that are important to me are not important to him.
Multiple head slams on the wall is what I deserve now because I settled once again; history repeated itself. My hopeless romantic desires are actually lusts of the flesh. I saw again the worst kind of clingy and needy version of myself. Knowing him made me know God less. I made an idol out of him and I am reaping the consequences - heartbreak to regret, because I should've known better but I just don't. It's my fault..
I was doing well lately for weeks to months now until awhile ago someone started a conversation about him. It incurred in me that I was suddenly dropped (like a mic). There wasn't a decent goodbye, letting go message, or closure at most. He suddenly gave up on me and faded away. At first, I thought it was ok, so there won't be any dramatic tug-of-war of decisions. However, it's a horrible fact to be left behind without any decency. Not once did he check up on me or what not. All the weeks of feeling so reenergized in my value in God shattered away. So to that person who labeled me as a highly insecure person, I couldn't agree more.
It's like the broken Hope 4 years ago crying out to God for her worth. I really feel discouraged at this point. In my previous post, I claimed that I'm on a journey to being fully single for the Lord first with the trust that He will provide at the perfect time. But I can't help asking why do I fall for those who don't care enough or those who will just miss the mark? Why has it been so complicated? My frail heart diagnosed with SVT is just tired of all the fake love in the world.
So where and how do I see God in this affliction? He is my good, good Father who is disciplining me, showing me what I failed to see and what I still need to see. It's been a painful process to go through pruning and the big word of "sanctification". My hope is in Him for sure, but my selfishness just wants to burst all the emotions hidden for a quite a time now.
How timely for this to happen that I'm off to an out of the country trip. Every year that I am about to, something like this would happen. How timely as well while I see God leading me to someone, getting more and more confident about it, and praying intentionally about him, aghost of the past haunts you. Emotions are troubled that I'm making time to write about it. If I could just put emojis here, this will flood with tears. I hope this will be over soon..
As difficult as it could be for me now, I still say.. All from and for Him.
