EMPATHY

"EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY"

Such effective words of comfort, but with no certainty of its occurrence. Just trusting on the power of positivism and having faith that things will turn out the way it is supposed to be, even if it is not how you wanted it to be.

For the past 2 days, someone close to my heart just broke up with her boyfriend. She called me up to find comfort and seek answers/right actions to do. I am a know-it-all on love, though I have never been in a relationship ever. Actually, I have never been in love! She was immensely crying that even I was also tearing my eyes while listening to her.

Her boyfriend is one of the nicest ones I've met, who I also HOPE to have one someday. I have nothing against the guy. But I felt guilty when I heard that I am included in one of the reasons they fought. She really wanted to discover how is it getting drunk to prove something to her party-goer boyfriend. To stop her from ranting, we accompanied her through the night, let her do what she wants. By the end of the night, she was wasted and drunk. She was lying on the streets, crying, screaming, hurting us and calling out the name of her boyfriend. And that was the sweetest part, she won't stop screaming without her boyfriend on the line, hearing his voice. It was long night of struggle to calm her down and put her to sleep. It was an unforgettable bizarre night for all of us. (And that my friends is another long story). One thing is for sure, we never left her that night til she woke up the next morning. I took care of her because she is my responsibility and all I wanted was for her to be better. With what happened, I believe that we even gave their relationship a favor. All the unsaid jealousy and insecurities were honestly revealed. As much as I wanted to defend what we have done, I think they both, especially the guy, can find the answers by themselves.

She was sharing all their past and recent problems. I was trying my best to keep up but it came to the point that all I can say was, "stop crying please." I was just lost for words while listening to her.

After our conversation, it seemed that I carried all her pain. I was so restless that I can no longer sleep, so I looked for someone to talk with. I was so paranoid that I said the wrong things. I was so bothered that my words were not enough to put her on ease. I felt so pathetic.

Empathy? I guess so. I have never been in her situation ever, but sometimes, you don't need to be in the same situation to also feel someone's feelings. It's something viral, something unstoppable.

Pathetic? Our relationship was a mother-daughter one, that she would really depend on me when she is in trouble, answer all her unending queries, and ensuring she is safe at all times. I have never felt this responsible of a person. And she gives me this feeling that I am someone she looks up to, so I can't fail infront of her. That night, I was just paranoid that I wasn't able to help her. I think I disappointed her. And still disappoints her because everyday she would text me and ask me on what she would do, and I would give her this "over-positive" advice - which are no longer realistic for others. I think I failed. I don't deserve her respect.

Paranoid? After hearing her heart breaks, the effect on me was strange. It made me scared of LOVE. Everyone knows I am a HOPEless romantic. But her depression affected me so much that I am now seeing not just the beauty in love. I am now slowly believing that love is not just about happiness, it also can be painful that it can "kill" you. I am literally scared of falling in love now. I am not close to falling in love at all, I am not dating nor have someone special, but I am not planning to look for one anytime soon.

I still want to believe in love, the way I see it like those in fairytales, but there are really a lot I should learn. Those that I discovered that night was something I am not prepared for at all. I want to be in love, but it would really take time for me to be prepared for such pains.

They are still not in good terms. But I HOPE they will be, not soon, but in the perfect time when they're both mature already.

"I may not say the words as such.. I never feel quite I'm enough.. but I'm yours" - The Script ♥

FRIEND

We gain some, we lose some.

I am very thankful for having her in my life. My college life wouldn't be THIS awesome and meaningful if I didn't meet her. I owe her parts of my achievements and where I am now.

She is my college partner, in crime and success. She was always there for me, ever supportive of whatever decision I take. She was always been there for me, giving me a hand when I need one and keep me in company wherever I go.

So, yes, she is a dear friend. I love her and will always treasure what we had. For that, she will always be someone I respect and value.

But things just didn't work out between the two of us. I know some are wondering why we are not together anymore around school, not seated together, and talking. Well obviously, we are not in good in terms.

We had our cat, petty, or serious fights before. Now, it's worst. It's been more than month that we're not communicating.

It would only be fair for me to talk on why I am still not okay with her or not working on our friendship to be okay again.

I reached the point where I just needed a break from her irritating personality. She knows when I am tired or easily irritated. I didn't intend to destroy our friendship, but I just don't feel like talking to her. I AM THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WILL NOT TALK TO THE PERSON WHO I AM NOT OKAY WITH. Moreover, I don't want to play pretentious with a friend. It would be better to act it real that I have this bad feeling on her.

Where it started? It has been too long and a lot has happened that I don't remember the spark that started the fire burning. It was a whole week of not being happy of how she's been acting and changed with the new routine of her life.

Then the misunderstanding is getting worse, but this time it's more professional. I am not a fan of being grouped with your friends on school works. Too much dependence and comfort. I was getting more and more disappointed with her performance in our projects and works. And so it did add up to my irritation with her.

Honestly, being friends with her is such a culture-shock for me. She is liberated and spontaneous. We are total opposites. I have discovered a lot of controversial and "dirty" things because of her. I am not blaming her, she made me more opened to reality. I learned to accept more the liberated culture. Being very conservative, I am still in shock every time she shares her experiences on things-I-don't-have-to-mention-here. But still, I am to conserve the person I was before I met her.

I am sincerely happy where she is now and how her career is turning out. I know she's having a great time and she deserves the break that I've been seeing and hearing. That's not the issue. I am having the guts to say here, what others can't say, she has changed BIG TIME. I don't know what is in her, but there is something with her aura, jokes and actions that is not the girl that we all learned to love. I think it's not that we are not okay, but a noticeable awkward feeling is there when she is around.

From what I see, she is happy with her new found circle of friends and routine. I can't help but get affected with one of her posts:

"Now I know who I am and what I really want to be and I have to thank (so the list of names without me)"

Since then, I am with the people I love having great times with too. And I am happy where I am now. I am having productive and worthwhile moments with friends I trust. I am doing more mature things I don't regret. Fair and square, I know she is as well.

People are giving effort for us to be okay again. Forcing us to talk again. Thanks, but no thanks.

Okay, we'll be reconciled, saying our apologies and hugging, etc. But after that, what? Things are already different. I really don't know what to say to her anymore nor deal with her anymore.

Now I am a complete bitch of not giving importance to friendship. I am a true friend. But as much as I want to save ours, there's this big hesitation because of all the bad and hurt feelings that piled up.

It's not pride but it's what I really feel right. I miss having her around, making huge laughs, and nagging her when she makes foolish mistakes. I am not ending the friendship, I am leaving it open for when we are mature enough to talk beyond our misunderstandings and accepting each other.

BLOGniversary

This for all my blog readers, followers, friends, haters and stalkers. A lot had happened in the first year of my blog. This blog post is already 4 months late because of the blogger's busy life. Three months before my blogniversary, I have already been thinking of how it will, the contents and the issue I want to feature, and I have composed the perfect post for it.

Why did you start blogging?

It all started with a heartbreak. For the longest time, I would just cry over a pillow stuffed on my face to release all my vulnerability. I was a shock-absorber. But that night, I came across my best friend's blog (she's one of the best bloggers I know!), and it inspired me to make one. In one night, I was able to make two blog posts. After publishing those posts, a big thorn was pulled out of my system. It was indeed an effective tool to release all my vulnerabilities.

After that heartbreak, which we guess you have already moved on with, why do you still blog?

This is the frequently asked question of those who don't know and understand me, and I owe you some good explanation here. Here it is..

We all have our ways and means to cope with problems, heartaches, and pains in life. Some would cling to alcohols, cigars, hurting oneself, not eating, etc. As for me, I found this blog my ultimate best friend in times of despair or uncertainty. There are things that we want to say out loud, but we just cant. Maybe because we dont have the chance or the right people to share it with.

What is the real purpose of your blog?

To release all my vulnerabilities and angst. To share stories that matter. To write things that I can't say but my heart is crying out loud through my hands.

Do you have any style of blogging?

None really but I don't settle for just detailed story detailing. I make sure to be creative on my posts especially the construction and how I want my message to come across. Life should not be plain, let's put some drama.

What do you get from blogging?

It makes me sane. Relief of heart and peace of mind. I value acceptance more and more. And it improves my writing skills because I am afraid of grammatical errors.

Most of your blog posts are about love, especially on heartaches. Why? Is there no other thing you can write?

I am contented with life, but happiness is not there because love is missing. Love has been hurting me. And it really makes me vulnerable especially when you are a HOPEless romantic. I think my friends are getting tired of listening to my misfortunes on love, so I would just run to this blog. Yes, it doesn't talk back at me. It wont give answers to my unending questions, it cant hug nor wipe my tears. But that's what I love about it. I don't need people to give me biased words of wisdom or unending church-like sermons. What this blog does, that beats them all, is that it makes me seek for answers or solutions to my own problems. And this is to see how much I have learned from all my heartaches, to remind me of how stupid I was before and I should not be the same as before.

Why full of bitterness?

To get rid of bitterness, you should let it all out. So I write it all down. Then after, my heart is cleared again, and I would just laugh over my immature thoughts.

They say, you're using your blog to destroy other people? Is this true?

No, it's not. If I were to, I would announce it to everyone. I don't name names on my posts, not because I am afraid, but because I don't intend to destroy anyone and I choose not to. I always make sure that in every post, I would give a realization or lesson to every situation. If people see it that way, it is already their perception of that person - not mine.

Are you aware that people can read your blog posts?

Definitely. But I don't campaign my blog for people to read my posts. I don't beg them to follow this nor understand me. My blog is posted for me to re-read again.

Do you care?

25% of my purpose for blogging is to be able to make an effect to other people's lives. Ambitious it is but it's just a dream not a desire. I was once inspired with stories of people connected and changed because of blogs. And because I always think of writing something with sense and importance. Someday, somehow, there are people out there, in the other parts of the world, who would come across this blog, reading a post that he/she might relate to, be motivated, inspired or changed. There is a possibility, and I will continue sharing because of that.

So far, how were the feedbacks?

So far? Technically, I have 12 followers. But a handful of my posts were with comments. Most of them were words of encouragement and comfort. But surprisingly, there are haters.

Who are these haters?

Those people who care too much of what people think about them. Those people who are insecure and can't say anything good about others. Those people who are in denial that I am one heck of a person with substance, whom they would really give effort of destroying.

Do you care with their opinions? Do you have anything to tell to these haters?

I never said I didn't. But it doesn't make me paranoid. I want to hear it all. I am believer of constructive criticisms and triumphs over adversities. I don't blog to collect good comments and get sympathy.

If you don't like my blog posts, then don't read it. That is so pathetic, right? I don't get the point of people continuing to do things that they really hate and would complain every single time. If I bother you and you want this blog erased, then remove me out of your life. Who wants haters in their life? But this blog stays. Eyebrow raised for you!

Anything more to say to your followers?

I really appreciate those who would place a comment after reading my blog. Sometimes, I feel ashamed when people say they read my blog and would quote lines from it. But I am thankful to those who understand me.

Is there any blog post that you regret?

None. Sometimes, I would regret things that I said when I am able to face a new phase in life. But that's part of it, I could go back to my posts, see how much I have grown or moved on.

What more can we expect from this blog?

A lot of heartbreak stories I guess. Haha. But if along the road, I would meet that guy, this blog will be the first to know.

Any message to your blog?

I have a lot tell to this blog. First, I am very sorry for not consistently updating you. And for forgetting the password lately. But thank you for always being there in times I am very weak. Thank you for absorbing all my bitterness and anger. Thank you for being my best friend when I am alone in my room. Let's not mind all the haters, they are just envious of your deep substance. I will keep you. Mwaaa!

Happy BLOGniversary! :)