Such effective words of comfort, but with no certainty of its occurrence. Just trusting on the power of positivism and having faith that things will turn out the way it is supposed to be, even if it is not how you wanted it to be.
For the past 2 days, someone close to my heart just broke up with her boyfriend. She called me up to find comfort and seek answers/right actions to do. I am a know-it-all on love, though I have never been in a relationship ever. Actually, I have never been in love! She was immensely crying that even I was also tearing my eyes while listening to her.
Her boyfriend is one of the nicest ones I've met, who I also HOPE to have one someday. I have nothing against the guy. But I felt guilty when I heard that I am included in one of the reasons they fought. She really wanted to discover how is it getting drunk to prove something to her party-goer boyfriend. To stop her from ranting, we accompanied her through the night, let her do what she wants. By the end of the night, she was wasted and drunk. She was lying on the streets, crying, screaming, hurting us and calling out the name of her boyfriend. And that was the sweetest part, she won't stop screaming without her boyfriend on the line, hearing his voice. It was long night of struggle to calm her down and put her to sleep. It was an unforgettable bizarre night for all of us. (And that my friends is another long story). One thing is for sure, we never left her that night til she woke up the next morning. I took care of her because she is my responsibility and all I wanted was for her to be better. With what happened, I believe that we even gave their relationship a favor. All the unsaid jealousy and insecurities were honestly revealed. As much as I wanted to defend what we have done, I think they both, especially the guy, can find the answers by themselves.
She was sharing all their past and recent problems. I was trying my best to keep up but it came to the point that all I can say was, "stop crying please." I was just lost for words while listening to her.
After our conversation, it seemed that I carried all her pain. I was so restless that I can no longer sleep, so I looked for someone to talk with. I was so paranoid that I said the wrong things. I was so bothered that my words were not enough to put her on ease. I felt so pathetic.
Empathy? I guess so. I have never been in her situation ever, but sometimes, you don't need to be in the same situation to also feel someone's feelings. It's something viral, something unstoppable.
Pathetic? Our relationship was a mother-daughter one, that she would really depend on me when she is in trouble, answer all her unending queries, and ensuring she is safe at all times. I have never felt this responsible of a person. And she gives me this feeling that I am someone she looks up to, so I can't fail infront of her. That night, I was just paranoid that I wasn't able to help her. I think I disappointed her. And still disappoints her because everyday she would text me and ask me on what she would do, and I would give her this "over-positive" advice - which are no longer realistic for others. I think I failed. I don't deserve her respect.
Paranoid? After hearing her heart breaks, the effect on me was strange. It made me scared of LOVE. Everyone knows I am a HOPEless romantic. But her depression affected me so much that I am now seeing not just the beauty in love. I am now slowly believing that love is not just about happiness, it also can be painful that it can "kill" you. I am literally scared of falling in love now. I am not close to falling in love at all, I am not dating nor have someone special, but I am not planning to look for one anytime soon.
I still want to believe in love, the way I see it like those in fairytales, but there are really a lot I should learn. Those that I discovered that night was something I am not prepared for at all. I want to be in love, but it would really take time for me to be prepared for such pains.
They are still not in good terms. But I HOPE they will be, not soon, but in the perfect time when they're both mature already.
"I may not say the words as such.. I never feel quite I'm enough.. but I'm yours" - The Script ♥
