I am very thankful for having her in my life. My college life wouldn't be THIS awesome and meaningful if I didn't meet her. I owe her parts of my achievements and where I am now.
She is my college partner, in crime and success. She was always there for me, ever supportive of whatever decision I take. She was always been there for me, giving me a hand when I need one and keep me in company wherever I go.
So, yes, she is a dear friend. I love her and will always treasure what we had. For that, she will always be someone I respect and value.
But things just didn't work out between the two of us. I know some are wondering why we are not together anymore around school, not seated together, and talking. Well obviously, we are not in good in terms.
We had our cat, petty, or serious fights before. Now, it's worst. It's been more than month that we're not communicating.
It would only be fair for me to talk on why I am still not okay with her or not working on our friendship to be okay again.
I reached the point where I just needed a break from her irritating personality. She knows when I am tired or easily irritated. I didn't intend to destroy our friendship, but I just don't feel like talking to her. I AM THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WILL NOT TALK TO THE PERSON WHO I AM NOT OKAY WITH. Moreover, I don't want to play pretentious with a friend. It would be better to act it real that I have this bad feeling on her.
Where it started? It has been too long and a lot has happened that I don't remember the spark that started the fire burning. It was a whole week of not being happy of how she's been acting and changed with the new routine of her life.
Then the misunderstanding is getting worse, but this time it's more professional. I am not a fan of being grouped with your friends on school works. Too much dependence and comfort. I was getting more and more disappointed with her performance in our projects and works. And so it did add up to my irritation with her.
Honestly, being friends with her is such a culture-shock for me. She is liberated and spontaneous. We are total opposites. I have discovered a lot of controversial and "dirty" things because of her. I am not blaming her, she made me more opened to reality. I learned to accept more the liberated culture. Being very conservative, I am still in shock every time she shares her experiences on things-I-don't-have-to-mention-here. But still, I am to conserve the person I was before I met her.
I am sincerely happy where she is now and how her career is turning out. I know she's having a great time and she deserves the break that I've been seeing and hearing. That's not the issue. I am having the guts to say here, what others can't say, she has changed BIG TIME. I don't know what is in her, but there is something with her aura, jokes and actions that is not the girl that we all learned to love. I think it's not that we are not okay, but a noticeable awkward feeling is there when she is around.
From what I see, she is happy with her new found circle of friends and routine. I can't help but get affected with one of her posts:
"Now I know who I am and what I really want to be and I have to thank (so the list of names without me)"
Since then, I am with the people I love having great times with too. And I am happy where I am now. I am having productive and worthwhile moments with friends I trust. I am doing more mature things I don't regret. Fair and square, I know she is as well.
People are giving effort for us to be okay again. Forcing us to talk again. Thanks, but no thanks.
Okay, we'll be reconciled, saying our apologies and hugging, etc. But after that, what? Things are already different. I really don't know what to say to her anymore nor deal with her anymore.
Now I am a complete bitch of not giving importance to friendship. I am a true friend. But as much as I want to save ours, there's this big hesitation because of all the bad and hurt feelings that piled up.
It's not pride but it's what I really feel right. I miss having her around, making huge laughs, and nagging her when she makes foolish mistakes. I am not ending the friendship, I am leaving it open for when we are mature enough to talk beyond our misunderstandings and accepting each other.
