ACCEPTANCE.
Acceptance is a virtue that doesn't require any form of doing inn the "physical sense" of the word, it's a chosen way of being. Choosing acceptance as your predominant way of "being" transcends the limitations of the intellect opening your eyes to the matrix of illusion that so many who find themselves caught in seemingly inescapable cycles of fear, doubt worry and anxiety "perceive" as being so real.
And for me, it is the hardest thing to do-- NOW.
Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that it's the only thing that could make you totally happy? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that it bothers you everyday? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that makes your heart beat fast everytime you'll be thinking about it? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, it became your only word? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you asked everyone you know for an advice? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you're willing to fight for it? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you're willing to wait for it for so long? Have you ever wanted something, so bad, that you just didn't get it?
I did.
I have been aiming for a thing for the longest time now. It's been three years that I have dreamt about it. It's been three years that I have waited patiently for it. It's been three years that I have been proving myself worthy of it. But it only took three minutes to tear it all away. It happened so fast that until now I couldn't grasp how it happened. So fast, that I haven't had a chance to fought for it.
Some would say, "Fight for it still! It's not that late." It's already late. I just couldn't appeal anymore. In my world, there are those insecure people that I have to please. Not because they mean something to me, but because I want to get rid of them by being nice to them.
And others would comfort, "Maybe it's not just for you." I think not, and I'm screwing my title for that. Meant-to-be is just a faux in life. A make believe of those who are just so scared to stand up for what they really believe and want. If something happened the other way you wanted it to be, and you'll blame it on destiny, you are a coward.
I don't believe in meant-to-be's but rather in made-to-be's. You make what is for you. Even if there are odds, you will still make an effort for it. It is when you stop, because you think it is not just for you, that you lose. There is where I lost.
I still think it is for me. I know it is for me. I believe I am for that. But I lost because of a person. And that's the painful part. How I wished that I lost because of the majority, it would made things easier to accept.
Few would say, "Everything happens for a reason. believe me, believe in God." I believe so, I believe in God's powers. But it still hurts the same right now. Maybe there is a better route for me take, but how can you take the pain of disappointment away? It is easy to say and believe that God has better plans for you, but is never easy to have prayed for it for the longest time and still not get it. It is never easy to take it all in when in fact you've proven yourself that you are worthy for it. It is more never easy to accept.
I did something that made me lost it-- I never fought for it when it just didn't came for me. But it's the question, that weren't you enough? Or haven't your efforts done enough?
Those who'll read this, "Stop it Hope! Move on dude!" I will bitch! It just hurts. It is painful, just so you know. But yes, it's been two days already, so I have to get over with it. It is easy to get over with something, but it is never easy to ACCEPT.
ACCEPTANCE is the point of it all. I'll get over with it, yes I will. I can get used to being "not in charge", yes I can. But it's the acceptance in the long run that you didn't get the part.
ACCEPTANCE. argh!! Why are you so difficult? Why can't we just meet?
I say to myself, "Cry HOPE. But you have to learn to accept, because you will never be open to the "great plan for you", if you'll not accept that "great plan that was made for you."
I think I sounded confusing, but I just don't want to write it all clearly because I know I'll be back reading this and it will be harder for me to accept.
Let me drown myself in pain and give me time to accept. 'Coz seriously, it is REALLY HARD.
