People would always tell me that I don't have to wait for love, it just comes in the most unexpected way. I have always waited and searched for it but I never forced for it to be there when it shouldn't be. After that recent heartbreak, being the "other" woman, I was cautious more than ever. I swore myself that I will never be in that same situation and that will be my last most stupid heartbreak. I was living the single life, no need for a man to complete my day. There will be some guys to make me smile but they won't define me and my happiness.
A regular hot, sunny day on a semestral break, I checked my Facebook before leaving for a date with a girl friend. A surprising personal message popped out of my screen from a guy who is at first a stranger to me. I always ignore random chat messages from strangers after I check on who they are, because there are big possibilities that they would be from my college inquiring some stuff. I don't want to come out as a snob being the head of the council. Anyway, so I checked his profile. He is from our college, but I have to check more on his photos to be more familiar. Glancing through his photos, flashbacks rush into my head. THE GUY I ADMIRED TWO YEARS AGO!
When I was doing our electoral campaign, I would notice this guy around the building. He is a cutie with a big smile on his face. But I didn't get the chance to meet him but I told myself that next academic year, I am having my eye on him! It was strange to not see him around especially with his circle of friends. The admiration eventually was gone. And then I learned that he stopped studying. And that marked the end of my hope for a possible spark. Fast forward 2 years later, I didn't hesitate to reply. Because there was only one word running in my head - CHANCE. I should give this conversation a chance. He might just be asking for me to like a photo or news about the college, I forgot about it, at least for once I stepped up for CHANCE.
I don't know his intentions, and I guess I will never know about it, but he was really starting this conversation with me to be my friend. He said that he wanted to approach me way before. I would probably be alarmed by then, but I was done with putting colors on meaningless statements. I was my normal nice but never-a-flirt self. Before we ended our conversation, he asked for my number. I gave it because I really don't mind at all. A little later, he sent me a text message.
There is a catch here: he is in a relationship - from what I saw in his facebook account. He was really nice but at times he is uber nice that it gets awkward. I had enough pain already that is why I went straight to the point that I was feeling awkward because he is in a relationship. He would always assure me that everything is okay and it's not like we're doing something illegal. Then one day, I bluntly asked him how his relationship is going. I was surprised to know that he already had broken up days ago. I was completely unaware of it and it wasn't even evident from his actions in our conversations. Knowing about this, I was alarmed already and beginning to create some cold space.
Another BUT begins.. But there is something about him that amuses me. It is difficult to define and describe how nice he is. Maybe I will put it this way, he would be sweet at times with his caring words, he complements my type of humor and I see the honesty in his words. And a plus factor, he speaks English with no grammatical errors. We are consistent text/bbmates. Then I knew his reason for quitting school for 2 years now. They have a financial problem. It was not a big deal but I would love to have a boyfriend who finished school. Oh well, since we're just friends, forget about it!
Suddenly, things are in a blur. We are beginning to have this petty fights and would try to fix the "problem". Just that freaks me out. Friends don't do that, right? As I try to ignore how serious things are getting, I would feel this intense feeling whenever I am confused with his words. What bothers me even more is that he was not texting me regularly anymore.
That began my confusion with feelings for him. I am starting to miss him. Why was I missing him? Does this mean that I already like him? Or is it just because I was just used to having him around? Was I left alone again lost on air for what could have been a love affair? Is this another heartbreak? Why just can't I learn? Why just can't I end up happy in love? (tears)
For a week, I was really misled with this words and actions. He was turning into guy who don't even care at all. Maybe it was me, because I was sick for week, but I am getting pissed with his jokes. I lost the nice guy whom I love talking with.
It got worse when he didn't even send a Christmas greeting. I greeted him but he replied late at night with "You too. Thanks." WOW! Nervously, I asked if he is mad at me and that everything is so unclear. He assured me that there were no reasons to be. And that's it, I guess, another bitter end to a never-could-be-love-story.
I am still not quite sure on my feelings for him. Now that I see it ended, things got clearer on a negative note. I can be a rebound - same level to being an other woman. It sucks. Whatever his intentions or reasons were, I don't care anymore. I will just remember him the way he was to me - nice, just nice.
I want to kill myself now because I am worrying myself on something that is nothing! Don't worry, I've already scolded myself for expecting things my way and getting pissed because it won't be.
Again, I screwed up! There is really something wrong with me that I always fail on this thing called LOVE. I would always reflect on how was to a guy when it all tears apart. With bragging rights, I was very awesomely nice. But it will all end up to I am not enough.
Same old story: You could've made this Christmas a special one. You could've been the special person I would run to for a warm hug this cold season. You could've saved me from this lonely hearts club. But, you are just not good enough.
