Dear You,
This isn't the blog I was supposed to share today. I have a draft letter to Awesome that I've long planned to publish today since the 1st day of every month has become significant to us. But things don't always go our way, right? And to be reminded of that, no matter how pure it is or been praying about it, still hurts terribly.
It sucks, actually.
This pandemic is life-changing indeed. My initial draft daydreamed of a godly courtship that went through a crisis and still survived the odds. I have all these cheesy emotions that I imagined our admiration and affection became stronger despite the distance in lockdown. I expected way too much and the disappointment was too much also. Because the reality bites hard, we are still the same imperfect, sinful people that we are. Awesome is not always awesome, I know that and should have known that. And I am not "Ganda" in all ways and always. We are both to blame in here. This heartache is something we both deserve for losing sight of what's more important and something we both needed to focus our gaze again on what's most important. The crisis has infiltrated our friendship now, but I'll keep that draft still as much as I am keeping my hopes for us.
But this is not my core message to you. If I can put a title on this, it would be like, "I don't want to write you a letter and it sucks that I have to." Yes, it sucks.
This blog has been with me for 10 years now (wow, decade!). I am not proud of all my write-ups, most are poorly written - feel free to judge my grammar, go on! - but I am proud of how this platform has helped me through the years - from when I was still lost 'til now that I have Christ. What I am confident of is that this is where I put my heart and mind into. I blog when I am extremely vulnerable or joyful (although I've become lazy since I eventually write a lot at work). Sometimes it takes hours to days to finish a post because I like putting structure, a proper flow and pure facts. I even put pressure on myself to make it at least acceptable to be out in this massive online universe. I take full responsibility of what I blog. That's how much I value my words because I know it's valuable to anyone who could read this - including you!
So to face a crossroad to hide it or to take a break from it or to cease it, sucks the most. I can easily delete all my other social media accounts, but not this. No, never.
You have stumbled upon (or consciously typing my blog URL every so often) my safe space, my favorite journal, my priceless possession.. but you don't have the power over this. I know for a fact that when I publish something publicly (even privately online), it can be up for scrutiny. And I am ready for that. Because after all, I don't blog for someone else's approval. I have stayed true to why I blog: to document the bad and good moments of my life that I'm willing to share for God's glory. Yes, I hope that somehow it will be relevant or encouraging for someone. Putting my stories on the web makes me responsible for what God is allowing me to go through and how He is revealed in all of those. And my confidence is that He is very much alive through it all.
So, going back to you, as I assume you read or think otherwise, that's on you darling. You have the same freedom as me to post online, but we are not free to sin - that's what I am certain of when Jesus Christ died on the Cross to save me from the slavery of sin. I won't stop writing MY stories in MY BLOG. Although, I hope I won't get to write you a letter again.
We are definitely in a crisis. It just sucks that we have to deal with petty personal disputes when millions of people are suffering around the globe. It is so selfish. That's why I'm thankful for you. You made me realize to thrive further in forgiving and loving even those who see you as insecure, mentally ill and hypocrite. For what? Mainly because that is what love requires me to do.
Loving someone is so difficult. Loving Awesome has made that truth even more true in my life. But it is meant to be beautiful even in brokenness. I know certain that while my love is being stretched (for you and Awesome), I am turning out to be a better version of myself - and that's what is most important than protecting my blog from hateful comments.
P.S. Thank you also for making time to read my loooong blog posts. I know it takes a lot of interest and commitment. I'm flattered to gain your interest.
Love,
Wheremyhopesare.blogspot.com
