Have you ever felt disconnected from anything in your life? No matter how busy, or how full your schedule is in a day, you still feel empty? Emptiness from within? That kind of longing for something not in this world, but of something supernatural. Do you feel the same way I have been feeling?
Last year when I became a Christian and decided to strongly walk by faith, my life indeed turned upside down in a very wonderful way. Since then I always have that sense of fulfillment, which I have searched for the past 24 years. But it doesn't imply my life is perfect, because still every waking day I feel ashamed of being a sinner who is unworthy of a love who died on the cross. It is simple to be a Christian but it is definitely difficult to be consistent every day and in every situation in this world.
The previous month I had an opportunity to be part of something GRAND, to launch the newest development of our company. It's indeed the highlight of my hotel career, wherein I was pushed to my limits - physically, mentally and spiritually. I was going home very late (that I mean 30 minutes before 12 or often past midnight), then going early to work the following day. It was really exhausting, to say at least, but unbelievably I made it through the toxicity. By the time of the executions or actual days of events, I am surprised of still having the energy to deliver what is in the plans and perform the expectations. I have to give huge credits to my team who has an incredible passion and discipline at work that immensely inspires me. But the due credits were not properly given to the one who deserves it. My negligence is to blame.
Yes, I do my morning prayer on my way to work, however I sleep through my evening devotions. I even skip my bible reading with an excuse that it's already 2 o'clock in the morning. In that month was also our church's mid-year prayer & fasting week which is a huge challenge for me who needs a lot of food intake and sleep in those times. But God's timing is so perfect that it was scheduled right after our 2nd event and will end before the next huge events. Though until now, I am in deep regret of how unproductive my fasting was. I slept through my prayers or made my intentions very quick so I can already go to sleep. My prayer items were not clear and I was so distracted that I wasn't able to ponder on His words. There, I felt detached from again my faith.
Now that the whole grand launch events are done, I decided take a break to clear my mind, and the first person who came across my mind was God -the one that made who got me through everything. The one who gave me an undeniable strength, who kept me safe on my way home, who protects me from temptations, who gives me wisdom in every decision, and who allows me to succeed in my ways. (Philippians 4:13) Reflecting on how He worked in my life in those times, I felt so ungrateful that the credit was unduly given.
Yesterday during our singles' bible study, our ministry head made a good point: there's no such thing as busy, we just don't consider some other things our priority, lest, we couldn't make time for it. Exactly how the previous weeks have been for me. Sadly I placed God at the bottom of my list, who on the other hand, has never failed me. His work is perfect, and His ways are justice (Deuteronomy 32:4)
I badly want to make up for it. Though the big question is HOW. So read 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, to pray without ceasing, to give thanks in all circumstances, for that is the will of God. How simple is His favor from us, right? Although, as I earlier said, it's not always easy. This coming weekend, I will be joining my first Christian retreat where I plan to declare my faith through baptism. With what I have just been through, I am feeling discouraged if I am doing it for with the right heart. I even plan on fasting again to be intimate with Him. Then, I realized this retreat is His answer to me - a 3-day encounter of 100% focus of learning and worshiping Him alone. Our retreat title is very relevant - TRUE LIFE, for a first timer like me who continually stumbles in my faith and who needs to get their priorities straight.
In ending, if someone feels the same miseries above, it is because we are not one with our Creator, the one who gives meaning in our lives. Whoever is lost will be found by the Lord. There is HOPE and I am forever holding onto my ONLY HOPE who has given me true life.
John 15:15 Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing
