LETTERS TO A #5

Dear Awesome,

Your identity is no longer a secret since we've (specifically, you) made an online public announcement of our relationship just few hours after I said yes to be your partner a month ago. Happy 1st monthsary, AJ Montesa! 💛

May 23, 2020. The last blog-letter I wrote about/for you never expected that the 23rd of May will be so special for us both. It was a letter full of uncertainties and hope at the same time. How strange that 7 months ago we were so sure about each other, yet still held back until we're sure this "good gift" is from the Lord. And it is, AJ. You are a good, good gift from the Lord! I'm so grateful that we both waited for that cozy Saturday afternoon in our living room.

I could write so many stories about us like "Keep your Friends Close, Enemies Closer, and Crush Closest," or "Finding the Best Godlyfish in the Christian Sea," or "Nailing and Failing the Courtship," or "Pandemic, I'm in Love." Although, it will take me days to share details about all of those - but I will, some other time!

So for now, I want this first ever blog entry about me being in a relationship speak about how I happy I am. I AM SO HAPPY WITH YOU, AJ! I've written so many heartbreak or hopelessly waiting entries, so this makes you and what we have so special. And I am certain I won't ever have to delete nor regret publishing it.

Happiness reminds me of the Beatitudes, which holds a special place in our memory - thank you for facilitating the series of exegesis of this part of the Scripture during the pandemic. Beatitudes from what we've learned is such an important and beautiful teaching of Jesus in the Matthew 5. It defies how the world defines being happy or blessed, as someone must be first poor in spirit - so humble, so broken - to realize their need for Jesus, then they can inherit the kingdom of heaven, which is a story of salvation at its very core.

How does that relate to us? Well, I am certain of my personal relationship with Jesus and that I can claim my inheritance in heaven someday with Him. But thinking of you, our story written by the God, I am deeply humbled to find Jesus again. Ours is not perfect, we both know that. We see ourselves struggle a lot more (and the most this 1st month), yet God's grace has never ceased to amaze me. My spirit is sliding down to the bottom the past days to weeks, but I remain happy because having you is a reminder that God isn't done with me yet. Thank you for constantly reminding me of that. And thank you for being broken with me as well. God indeed is the master author of our lives for even allowing two both deeply depraved individuals pursue a relationship together in pursuit of Him in this life. Aaaahhhmazing! 

I am so excited for the next monthsaries, anniversaries and decades with you, AJ. Let's stick together, I promise I'll lessen my "ayoko na" moments by 50% as a monthsary gift.

You will forever be awesome to me. I love you! 


Love,
Your Girlfriend 

LETTER TO ANONYMOUS

Dear You,

This isn't the blog I was supposed to share today. I have a draft letter to Awesome that I've long planned to publish today since the 1st day of every month has become significant to us. But things don't always go our way, right? And to be reminded of that, no matter how pure it is or been praying about it, still hurts terribly. 

It sucks, actually. 

This pandemic is life-changing indeed. My initial draft daydreamed of a godly courtship that went through a crisis and still survived the odds. I have all these cheesy emotions that I imagined our admiration and affection became stronger despite the distance in lockdown. I expected way too much and the disappointment was too much also. Because the reality bites hard, we are still the same imperfect, sinful people that we are. Awesome is not always awesome, I know that and should have known that. And I am not "Ganda" in all ways and always. We are both to blame in here. This heartache is something we both deserve for losing sight of what's more important and something we both needed to focus our gaze again on what's most important. The crisis has infiltrated our friendship now, but I'll keep that draft still as much as I am keeping my hopes for us.

But this is not my core message to you. If I can put a title on this, it would be like, "I don't want to write you a letter and it sucks that I have to." Yes, it sucks. 

This blog has been with me for 10 years now (wow, decade!). I am not proud of all my write-ups, most are poorly written - feel free to judge my grammar, go on! - but I am proud of how this platform has helped me through the years - from when I was still lost 'til now that I have Christ. What I am confident of is that this is where I put my heart and mind into. I blog when I am extremely vulnerable or joyful (although I've become lazy since I eventually write a lot at work). Sometimes it takes hours to days to finish a post because I like putting structure, a proper flow and pure facts. I even put pressure on myself to make it at least acceptable to be out in this massive online universe. I take full responsibility of what I blog. That's how much I value my words because I know it's valuable to anyone who could read this - including you!

So to face a crossroad to hide it or to take a break from it or to cease it, sucks the most. I can easily delete all my other social media accounts, but not this. No, never. 

You have stumbled upon (or consciously typing my blog URL every so often) my safe space, my favorite journal, my priceless possession.. but you don't have the power over this. I know for a fact that when I publish something publicly (even privately online), it can be up for scrutiny. And I am ready for that. Because after all, I don't blog for someone else's approval. I have stayed true to why I blog: to document the bad and good moments of my life that I'm willing to share for God's glory. Yes, I hope that somehow it will be relevant or encouraging for someone. Putting my stories on the web makes me responsible for what God is allowing me to go through and how He is revealed in all of those. And my confidence is that He is very much alive through it all. 

So, going back to you, as I assume you read or think otherwise, that's on you darling. You have the same freedom as me to post online, but we are not free to sin - that's what I am certain of when Jesus Christ died on the Cross to save me from the slavery of sin. I won't stop writing MY stories in MY BLOG. Although, I hope I won't get to write you a letter again. 

We are definitely in a crisis. It just sucks that we have to deal with petty personal disputes when millions of people are suffering around the globe. It is so selfish. That's why I'm thankful for you. You made me realize to thrive further in forgiving and loving even those who see you as insecure, mentally ill and hypocrite. For what? Mainly because that is what love requires me to do. 

Loving someone is so difficult. Loving Awesome has made that truth even more true in my life. But it is meant to be beautiful even in brokenness. I know certain that while my love is being stretched (for you and Awesome), I am turning out to be a better version of myself - and that's what is most important than protecting my blog from hateful comments. 

P.S. Thank you also for making time to read my loooong blog posts. I know it takes a lot of interest and commitment. I'm flattered to gain your interest. 

Love,

Wheremyhopesare.blogspot.com 

FAITH AMIDST CORONAVIRUS

Faith does not operate in the realm of the possible. There is no glory for God in that which is humanly possible. Faith begins where man's power ends. - George Muller

ENDGAME.

The entire world is afflicted by a pandemic - Covid-19 / Coronavirus - for months now and its seems like we're far from its end. While the pandemic is reaching its peak in most countries, other countries are just seeing it emerging three months since its outbreak from its place of origin. This pandemic has put an end to many - lives, livelihood, life on life interactions, lifestyle routines and luxuries, and normal life in general. Millions of people are living in lockdown, in high risk, in uncertainty, and in loss. Cure or prevention is still obscure at this point. I bet no one is really safe - no status, power or money will make anyone immune of it (just yet). The struggle persists in every home, every community, every hospital, and every nation. The virus being invincible yet tangible makes it unstoppable. In this dark tunnel that the world is walking through, that speck of light seems a million miles away. 

I thought to myself, "we have reached our end." 

BEGIN AGAIN.

However, people are still fighting through, though. We see heroes arise, generosity abounds, and faith alive. Out in the front line of this battle are ordinary individuals who are doing above and beyond their call of duty. Reading their stories or seeing their exhaustion in photos validates how real this viral warfare is. From medical professionals, safety personnel, food suppliers, government officials, delivery guys, volunteers and all those who still thrive to work for every home to be provided and safe, their sacrifice counts the most; it gets us moving forward with so much hope. I can scrutinize all I want those who are showing off their good deeds, but shame is actually on me for having done infinitesimal compared to what they have sweat out. I eat my pride with gladness to witness compassion moving around our nation. 

And FAITH. In such an impossible time to believe, I thank God for giving me faith and cultivating faith around the globe. What an absolute truth that in our helpless and hopelessness or realization that we reached the end of our self-sufficiency do we recognize that God is our ultimate refuge. With Him, it is possible to live again (and again). 

NEXT CHAPTER.

None of us know what tomorrow holds for any of us. But what Hebrews 11:1 tells us, "Now faith is the assurance of everything we hope for, the conviction of things unseen." That is what faith holds on to - our hope in Jesus that He has saved us from the ultimate suffering brought by sin, that through Him there is no pain in heaven, and that He has defeated and won over this pandemic also. I choose to believe in that. So for us sitting safe and well in our homes, we keep praying and preaching that the impossible happen - it will happen (tears). I look forward to glorious days..

Smiles will break free from masks. Hugs are given tightly with no reservations. A day won't be complete without a tap on the back, handshake and high give. Giving up technology for personal conversations. The privileged giving more even in good times, while the under-privileged are always the government's top of mind. Health is prized at a premium, hence medical workers are paid more. Families crowd the outdoors and their homes. Businesses regain their loss and the unemployed get their jobs back. No one will be left suffering alone. Kindness is breathe by every individual. Every nation believes in Jesus. 

I read somewhere that this is a season we will be grateful for someday. My heart breaks whenever I see the statistics continue to rise, when I read testimonies of suffering, and learned of actual names or faces who have passed away. My sympathies will not be enough, of course. But we move forward with a blessing of a new day of new mercies. The moments we live for are those miraculous stories of recovery, those who fight through for someone's life or their lives, nation uniting as people are changing for good, and all in all, what God is and will do in our tomorrows. 

Praise our God, all peoples,

    let the sound of his praise be heard;

he has preserved our lives

    and kept our feet from slipping.

For you, God, tested us;

    you refined us like silver.

You brought us into prison

    and laid burdens on our backs.

You let people ride over our heads;

    we went through fire and water,

    but you brought us to a place of abundance.

Psalm 66:8-12

We'll get through this, world! 

All from and for Him.

LETTERS TO A #4

Dear Awesome,

While my thoughts and feelings are still not in tact, what I do know is that I miss you. There’s this aching feeling to express, to talk to you. 

I feel terrible because we’ve been doing well recently for quite a time. Like what I told you, obeying His instruction for us to be good Christian friends wasn’t easy; it entails for me to sacrifice, discern a lot and pursue God first over my desires. But the process has been a blessing for me. So now, I have put this burden on myself that I messed up, I got too impatient, and my selfishness got in the way of God’s timing. You crying is still vivid and has been haunting me. I said a lot things I don’t mean and deeply regret now, I’m sorry if those words stuck in you. Even if our last convo ended “well and good”, we both know that there are a lot to process individually. And it’s been taking a while, a little too long, quite a stretch to my patience again. 

“God knows what we can handle.” He knows I can’t bear waiting, and knowing I don’t will make me depend on Him. More than a year. I’ve never prayed this long for someone, I’ve never been so hopeful about the promise. That’s the problem, I realized. I’ve focused on the  promise too much that I forgot about the Promise Giver. I eventually placed my trust on you, mistaken your actions and words as His timing and will. God has revealed this to me the past days. It’s been a tough process to refocus, however it’s necessary. 

You told me that you still have a lot of fixing as you want to be the best of yourself for me. As I told you in a blur, “who told you I want your best version”, came out from a heart who genuinely sees a godly man in you - a best for me already. I know your insecurities, your mess and your inadequencies, but I see the good in you as bigger and brighter. Yes, maybe I don’t know the cost yet, then this is love after all. And love is a commitment towards imperfect people to seek their highest good which often requires sacrifice. 

Is this God’s will for us not to talk first? Is God allowing this space for us? Is this an instruction from Him for you not to message or avoid me? Is this another start of us losing the friendship again? Is this an end to the waiting? These questions and a whole lot more are disturbing me now.

But Awesome, I know we’ll get past this. Maybe not the ending I’ve been hoping for a long time now, but as I’m reminded to set my eyes on the Who not the why’s, the absolute truth I hold tight on is that our God is good and perfect. After all that has happened, I know that with you, I’ve seen love clearer - God’s love that is. So, I praise God still. It’s painful, I’m hurting.. but it’s worth it. 

I hope you’re doing well, Awesome. I’m not sure if I’ll see you for Christmas or NYE, so happy holidays! 

Love,

Ganda 


All from and for Him. 

SHORTEST BLOG

I have been trying to find the write words to express myself. My thoughts aren't fully processed yet, that's why I can't make sense of what I really wanted to write, but I just want to write out whatever I can. I had multiple attempts, deleted long paragraphs already because I see the flaws in my words (beyond the grammar!).

Words are failing me now, but I want to express. This is frustrating.. :( 

LETTERS TO A #3

Dear Awesome,

A lot has happened concerning us in a span of 1 month. I’ve been keeping in my prayers and little notebook how I’ve been feeling, and I think God is getting confused with me already. 

I praise God for that 4-hr catch-up, after 2 months of no communication, that cleared the air between us. Thank you for listening to me and made me feel understood. It was what I needed then, I really missed my bestie #4. I’m glad he’s *quite* back. I praise God for allowing us to be race buddies. I wouldn’t have made it within the cutoff time if not for you. If I could just enumerate every single act I noticed sweet and thoughtful, I would but those will be always kept well in my “thank you awesome” pocket heart. I praise God that the kind, supportive and caring you that I know is within reach - or that’s what I thought..?

But I’ve been also nagging God to guard my heart. I know for certain you show kindness to everyone or anyone. However, I would be a hypocrite if I don’t think, even for a little while, how you felt towards me before. So it confuses me. It became more complicated now, and I hate it. I hate how I need to think minimum 10x before I message you, respond to you, or spend time with you. There’s some awkwardness we can’t deny. Are these for our benefit? Is this part of our pursuit of God - whether as friends or *potentially* partners? 

And then, there’s a part of me doubting in God. When we reconnected we missed out on one thing: clearing out the next steps. You know this. I believe this is why things are complicated. As much as I dont want to bother about it, but you gave me your word that we will. That thought led to more promises that haven’t materialized still. Little things you said you’ll do to this long-overdue conversation. Words being my love language, your words matter to me. It’s that important.

As it gets complicated, my hopes lessen. Sad. It’s weird that I am getting more convinced that you are more compatible with other girls actually. I think it would be easier, less complicated, if it was that girl(s). Well, we’re not on the same page on everything, so maybe.. Sad. 

How I wish I could write a happier letter to you someday - God-willing. I’m really anxious now. I don’t blame you, never will I, but with many stresses around me too, you’ve become part of it. So how I wish it won’t be complicated anymore, but what will that be for us then? 

Sincerely,

Hope

All from and for Him. 

(RE)COMMITMENT

"In you, LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, LORD, my faithful God."

- Psalm 31:1-5

Five years ago, I heard the gospel in its truest form and placed my faith in Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior. I can't remember the exact day but every single week for few months, when we were asked to pray the sinner's prayer, I would join in surrendering my life to God. It took me a year to publicly declare my commitment in Jesus Christ and my renewed faith being born again by the grace of God. (full testimony)

It felt like a honeymoon phase. I had that deep thirst to know Him more, to find my worth in Him and to learn how to love Him back. I became preoccupied with God matters - serving Him in different ministries, actively involving myself in discipleship group, leading my own discipleship group, putting up workplace bible studies, attending any seminar or event for me to learn and worship, and was at my most consistent in quiet time. 

Five years later, I was as broken as I was before I met Christ. This has got to be the most challenging season of my life. Honeymoon stage is over now; I have entered a "dark valley". It was a long journey that lasted over a year. (bits & pieces of it here)

Discouraged, anxious, defeated and scarred. I invested a lot in worldly matters that I let it affect my discipleship, worship and intimacy with God. I had the toughest battle with my stronghold in the flesh and the lies through people I don't have any bad blood with. I took a break from all the God matters, I caved in. 

God didn't take everything away from me like Job (praise God!), but I was in so much despair like King David. Like that night 5 years ago, as I cry myself to sleep, pleading God for peace while not making sense of words coming out of my mouth, He reminded me of the life of King David - a man after God's own heart. He is regarded as one of the most faithful man in the Bible, but he was also tested, wandered in the wilderness, and stumbled because of his flesh. In 1 Samuel 22, when the dispute between Saul became unbearable, he feared and caved in. He hid to rest from the troubles outside. He kept escaping. He kept inquiring God if Saul is still after his death, God said yes. And yet, he remained steadfast. In his little ways, he even saved the city of Keilah (1 Samuel 23). When Saul was already delivered to him vulnerable, he didn't take advantage. He remained faithful (1 Samuel 24). 

And there is the life of Onesimus, little known Bible character in the book of Philemon written by the Apostle Paul. With only one chapter, this book is a powerful book of forgiveness, redemption and love all because of Jesus. The Apostle Paul asked Philemon to accept Onesimus back - a former slave who betrayed Philemon and ran away to cross paths with Apostle Paul. Philemon being a known believer, Apostle Paul had that confidence for reconciliation as it is expected being anchored in Jesus Christ. Although, I saw more of myself in Onesimus, on how he was described in the book.

"Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back forever— no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a fellow man and as a brother in the Lord"

- Philemon 1:15-16

Perhaps, the reason why I had to be attracted with someone I don't share the same faith with is to realize that I will not experience that true love and joy with an unbeliever. Perhaps, the reason why I had to face persecution at work is to learn to stand firm with integrity. Perhaps, the reason why I had to face conflict in the ministry is to grow my humility before God and others. Perhaps, the reason why I had to surrender my ministry work is to clear my heart again knowing that it should be for Him and nothing else. Perhaps, the reason why I had to face so much anxiety is to mature in my pursuit of God. 

Still, I don't know the exact reason/s. My biggest takeaway from this dark valley is that our walk with God isn't so much about understanding, rather about embracing God's will. We will never know God's will for every single thing He allows to happen in ourselves, we are called to accept them knowing who He is - especially that He is good all the time. Perhaps, this will not make sense now or never make sense at all in my lifetime, but it is all right! What is enough is that God loves me so much and I would rather rest in that love than in the enemy's or the world's lies. 

So after four years, I publicly declared my commitment with God through water baptism. The scars are there, trauma still kicks in. However, I am at a point of desperation to obey God at all cost. I decided to do it in the same retreat as it was important that my spiritual family, who has been so instrumental in my healing, are there for accountability.

Entering a new chapter wherein I have a better understanding of what it takes to follow Jesus. Without going through the dark valleys, I will not have a better appreciation of the Lamp upon my feet. All those lies I faced gave me a better grip of this two-edged sword Word of God. And, I discipleship means so much more to me now. It's definitely sweeter the second time around! 

I don't know how long this chapter will be - I hope for longer better days. But life has bad days and that is fine. Life has got to imperfect to be dependent on a perfect God. If I fail again, I guess I should know better? Hopefully! 

"In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

- 1 Peter 1:6-7

All from and for Him.

SELF-REWARD

Sitting in my office, stealing a few minutes from work (sorry Lord), I see my work verse on the board, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human." (Colossians 3:23)

In every situation, especially when I do something brilliant, I keep myself grounded in that command. That I pursue excellence and consider my excellence as a form of worship for the Lord. But maybe just not at this particular moment.. 

I think I have stretched myself too thin the past weeks to months. A friend asked me last night if I am happy, I can genuinely say that I am happy as it is a choice to do so. I like what I am doing overall, however, there are flaws definitely. Creative inputs are not being honored, moody to difficult colleagues, wasted efforts due to delays, and etc turn my heart to grumble. Stress and grumbling heart are recipes to burnout. 

Today in particular, we won an internal global contest - amongst 7,000 hotels that is! I am grateful for the support and congratulatory remarks from our management and colleagues. But there seems to be something wrong in me. I strangely desire for more than a tap on the back. This is entitlement for sure. Trust me, I don't like this feeling. Maybe it started with a "mentor" I talked to today who gave me the impression that we copied them, that our initiative isn't that compelling at all, that isn't good enough. It got me. Not that what she is saying are true, but I think I am still trapped in her superiority complex. 

Discouragement seems to be my new enemy now. I should be celebrating, praising God for this blessing, but I am here pouring my heart out that was filled with negatively. I am indeed distracted that I can't wait for the weekend off for a spiritual getaway, to bask in His goodness while I am out of the stressful box of work. 

I yearn for a reward. May it be a good meal, llao llao with almond toppings, sweet little gesture, shopping spree or just a tight hug with a whisper that "you are doing great, Hope! way greater than you should" Don't we all want to hear this? If it is not too much to ask, we get to be assured in every single day of our worth, that our labor is never in vain, and that you are appreciated.

While writing that previous paragraph, I am reminded of the most gratifying assurance awaiting me at the end of my labor here on earth. 

"His master replied, "Well done good and faithful servant. You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!" Matthew 25:21

*I cry* 

Just for this moment. Just today, Lord. Forgive me for stealing 30minutes from work. 

All from and for Him.

LETTERS TO A #2

Dear Awesome,

How I wish I can tell you that I am so happy to witness you be annoyingly awesome facilitating the workshop for our retreat. You are gifted with public speaking and charm (ugh) to make sure the program run, not just smoothly, but also engaging. You were so candid, funny (but few jokes were off, but I'll let it pass), smart that-I-don't-even-have-to-say-it, and endearing making everyone actively participate. I don't know if you see my smiles, but my heart is beaming with joy to have a good view of how well you did on stage. 

How I wish I can celebrate with you to see God's faithfulness unfold in your life. Well, I am not aware of how you have been lately, but with what I see, it is worth praising God. You were made to speak truth, serve others and share Jesus - I believed in this long ago.

How I wish I can cheer you on more. This makes me cry every single time.. I might sound possessive but please hear me out; to have seen you walk through dark valleys with a heart filled with so much hope, I share that hope for victory as well. And we went through seasons of trial like at the same time, so hidden at the bottom of my heart, I hoped we taste breakthroughs together (separately) too. I want to affirm you (with so much sarcasm, of course) because I know you have that tendency to still doubt God and yourself. Whatever it is to help, how I wish I can lend a hand, ear and encouragement. 

I don't know how you think of me or if you even think of me. I absolutely notice and took note how you are not supporting my work for quite a while now. I know I am trying to clear my social media about you, but it hasn't lessen in any way my care for you. So maybe, you avoiding me is an indication that yours has lessened. This I fully accept. What is important is to see God's will come to pass for our lives because of our obedience. 

As tears seal this letter, how I wish I can tell you all these someday, somehow. Maybe or maybe not..

Sincerely,
Hope


All from and for Him.

LETTERS TO A #1

Dear Awesome,

I have a notebook with “You Are Awesome” cover dedicated for my prayers and thoughts about you. I started writing to God and you since October 2018, but prayers have started since Lebron Rocks was created. The cover fits you well, fits our faithful God, and our story I assume. You are awesome - my snob self has to admit. 

Today was rough. And tough days move me to write. Twitter is an option but my blog is more personal and special. I woke up feeling sad over choices I made that I hoped I never did. With so much pride, I had to own up to it but really, I am in misery. I miss you, Awesome. 

There are so many stories, so many questions, and so many moments I want to share with you. I miss your stories, your encouragements, and most of all, your annoying self. I’d rather be annoyed by you now than nothing, really. 

I am sorry for decisions I had to make. For not being there, for disappointing you (if I do, though). But I’ll continue to write so you know how awesome you are to me. And maybe, until the misery is gone. 

Sincerely, 
Hope


All from and for Him 

CONFESSION

I have a confession to make. A struggle that haunts, hinders and consumes me for so long. But allow me to start with a disclaimer of why I am opening up my long-running struggle.

Disclaimer: God said so. I have been trying to deal with this alone since day 1 of having it and wanting it gone. It was only when I listened to God's instruction of opening up that I felt the biggest relief. It is still there but I was more certain that it will get better. Secondly, I know there are a lot like me out there who opts to hide in their shame closets and who chooses to battle on their own. I don't think I have to share this on a larger public platform (i.e. church's pulpit); however, to you who stumbles upon this, your best option is God - nothing is greater than His redemptive work.

Truth is..

My deepest struggle is lust - in thoughts and actions. This is a shock for many, well don't worry because I am also surprised for myself. I think I have built well a goody two shoes image wherein lust will never be attributed to me. But I have been open with my sexually immoral first relationship that ended more than 5 years ago. This has become the testimony of my encounter and acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I regret it so much, if only I didn't have to go through it to meet Christ, I would find all means to do so.

With so much shame, 5 years into my walk, it is still in me. It still creeps in my thoughts on bad days. There are times that my flesh tickles on seeing pornography or even romantic images. There are times before I sleep or when I wake up that an unwanted sensation will be felt. There are times I want to be hugged or hug someone just because. There are times seeing a guy would make me panic for no reason. There are times I feel evaded and exploited easily just by mere compliment on my body, moreso, when I am touched by a man. There are times that scenes of the filthy past would flash before my eyes. There are times that I would cling on the thoughts longer than it should be, and worse. won't even be sorry about it.

This led me to be a man-hater/man-awkward girl. I thought that (most) men would be my fall on purity. Men are more helpless in controlling their fleshly desires. Even with "options" already, I found it hard to trust men because in reality, I can't trust myself either. I longed for someone who will lead me in purity, I held tight on this desire for *almost* 5 years.

Then, I failed myself and I failed Him the most.

I recently wrote about the guy, who didn't share the same faith, I opened up my heart with. I invested a lot in whatever we shared in the hopes he is on the pursuit of Jesus too. God knows best indeed when He instructed us not to be yolked with an unbeliever. I held more his words than God's, leading to my destruction. My church family didn't approve of him of course, so I cheated my way to knowing him more alone. The time we spent together (alone) unearthed the lust I struggled to bury in me. I was a total wretch. So hopeless.

The REAL Truth is..

Jesus suffered, was crucified, died, buried and resurrected for this sin as well. As He defeated the grave, He has shown that this lust - I thought I couldn't ever get rid of - is nothing on Him. He has overcome it. All of it. Every single time I fell, He paid for it. Wow. 

Surely he took up our pain

    and bore our suffering,

yet we considered him punished by God,

    stricken by him, and afflicted.

5 

But he was pierced for our transgressions,

    he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was on him
 and by his wounds we are healed.

6 

We all, like sheep, have gone astray,

    each of us has turned to our own way;

and the Lord has laid on him

    the iniquity of us all.

Isaiah 53:4-6

What I just said is very "Christianese" but there's no better way to tell the truth. Failure is something I fear - well, who likes it genuinely anyway? So, failing the nth time brought me to darkest valley of unworthiness, shame, guilt and suffering. Yet, God is still there alive in me. I can hear His whispers of assurance and discipline, I can feel His embrace of comfort, I can see His love through people who loves me. Then, I made a choice like the first time I placed my faith in Jesus. I chose to believe that by His wounds we are healed - past tense, done, it is finished. 

Yet again, realizing the healing takes a long time is a different story. Wounds have remained scars. Remaining in my flesh means temptation is still out there. What I did? I rested. I laid this heavy burden on the Lord to fight for me as He promised in Matthew 11:28. Faith moment by moment, resting moment by moment.

Truth now..

It has become more real to me now. The struggle is still there, maybe this is my thorn in the flesh; as it stings to make me so weak, I am being humbled to rely on God for strength. I learned to count the triumphs of moments I was able to escape the thought, from blocking the guy and other distractions out, and hours to days of purity. I sometimes slip a step back but at least I am making more steps forward. I learned to rejoice in hope. (Romans 12:12)

During the recent prayer and fasting week, I was so determined to settle this with the Lord. However, God has better plans - higher than our ways indeed. On the first night, He urged me to come to Him unclean, bearing all my "illnesses", with this lust on top of the list. Being exposed with imperfections was surprisingly comforting. Why? Because I learned to acknowledge even more that I don't have any power to do this on my own. All God. The next night He spoke to me of the "medications" with discipline and discipleship going in at first. As I thought that's the biggest breakthrough already, the third day's theme was all about "second chances". Our God is a God of second chances. Just check the book of Philemon for the story of Onesimus as one of the greatest testimony of redemption. Amazing. Too much grace. 

I am still on a high from the fresh encounter with the Lord again. That like Onesimus, as said by Paul, the reason I was taken aback was for a greater purpose of sanctification. For me to be molded even more, scratching off the rough edges, to experience Him more eternally eventually. (Philemon 1:15)

This isn't the end, for sure. The battle continues, thorn still stuck within, scars remain visible.. But Jesus died for me because He loves me regardless of it all. He loves me. 

10 

Create in me a pure heart, O God,

    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 

Do not cast me from your presence

    or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 

Restore to me the joy of your salvation

    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Psalm 51:10-12

All from and for Him. 

HOWEVER

I talk a lot, or simply love talking. I am also very opinionated and even if I don’t know anything about a topic, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask and involve myself in the conversation. I rarely get speechless, not even when I’m scared because I would scream to save my life. For one, I am lost for words, when I get tired of talking non-stop, of course. And then when sweet gestures are made for me - a preferential one I couldn’t explain. You left me speechless. 

I received the most beautiful birthday letter (thus far). It was too profound that made me crying on the first paragraph, laugh on the next, and blush all the way through. I still couldn’t explain in detail how I feel but I shall continue to write.

Until now, I am amazed at how someone could get me without trying so hard. Not neglecting the other “concealed” great efforts: driving the lucrative streets of Makati to buy my favorite cake, buying my favorite cake just because it’s my favorite, getting me yellow roses just because it’s yellow and I like flowers, surprising me in the middle of late night at work. The thoughtfulness. WOW. 

Don’t get me wrong. I highly appreciate those; I am forever indebted. But see, it’s the unpublicized letter published personally just for me. This is how I see clearly the sincerity that matters the most. And your intentions, too? 

I love how I am admired, yet humbled for pointing at the intangible traits made only possible by Christ’s work in me. I love how I am appreciated by the same things I appreciate. I love how it was intellectually stimulating with humor and charm. I love how the exact words of God to me were highlighted like there is such a coincidence. I love that is was long enough for me to read it at least 20 times as of today. I love how “however” is used at the end of the sentence. 

I couldn’t find any fault to it (grammatically, none for sure). Cynical as I can be, not being able to find one, made me feel something could be wrong, however. 

I am at still a point of healing from the pains, recent immoralities and anxieties. I know we are all depraved and our Christian walk is not always smooth sailing, waves will get rough at some point. But, we can’t journey to an uncertain season.

“Now, faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Assurance is synonymous to certainty. You know well this passage. Allow me to reiterate beauty of this piece in the Scripture, however. In this chapter, the great men of faith in the Old Testament were enumerated from Abraham, Moses, Noah, Jacob, etc. All of whom showed faith in action from the hope given to them. In fact, we can learn that our faith is not blind after all; we have a very clear sight of our future in the promise of heaven. 

In application to our present circumstances, we might not know yet what (who) is God’s best for us someday. Our faith is in the truth that God knows what is best for us. Here I am saying that I unearthed uncertainties from the letter. It was that long enough for me to be led to somewhere I don’t know. I know this is not your intention. 

It was my overthinking that got me to a point of insecurity. And I hate feeling this (towards you). I am just lost in my speechlessness. So, I am finding resolution to this from the God who knows my middle name. 

Taking some serious time off to have a more definitive response to the letter. I hope by the time I read it the 21st time, I will be more assured of my faith and feelings. I hope you will too. 

All from and for Him.