While my thoughts and feelings are still not in tact, what I do know is that I miss you. There’s this aching feeling to express, to talk to you.
I feel terrible because we’ve been doing well recently for quite a time. Like what I told you, obeying His instruction for us to be good Christian friends wasn’t easy; it entails for me to sacrifice, discern a lot and pursue God first over my desires. But the process has been a blessing for me. So now, I have put this burden on myself that I messed up, I got too impatient, and my selfishness got in the way of God’s timing. You crying is still vivid and has been haunting me. I said a lot things I don’t mean and deeply regret now, I’m sorry if those words stuck in you. Even if our last convo ended “well and good”, we both know that there are a lot to process individually. And it’s been taking a while, a little too long, quite a stretch to my patience again.
“God knows what we can handle.” He knows I can’t bear waiting, and knowing I don’t will make me depend on Him. More than a year. I’ve never prayed this long for someone, I’ve never been so hopeful about the promise. That’s the problem, I realized. I’ve focused on the promise too much that I forgot about the Promise Giver. I eventually placed my trust on you, mistaken your actions and words as His timing and will. God has revealed this to me the past days. It’s been a tough process to refocus, however it’s necessary.
You told me that you still have a lot of fixing as you want to be the best of yourself for me. As I told you in a blur, “who told you I want your best version”, came out from a heart who genuinely sees a godly man in you - a best for me already. I know your insecurities, your mess and your inadequencies, but I see the good in you as bigger and brighter. Yes, maybe I don’t know the cost yet, then this is love after all. And love is a commitment towards imperfect people to seek their highest good which often requires sacrifice.
Is this God’s will for us not to talk first? Is God allowing this space for us? Is this an instruction from Him for you not to message or avoid me? Is this another start of us losing the friendship again? Is this an end to the waiting? These questions and a whole lot more are disturbing me now.
But Awesome, I know we’ll get past this. Maybe not the ending I’ve been hoping for a long time now, but as I’m reminded to set my eyes on the Who not the why’s, the absolute truth I hold tight on is that our God is good and perfect. After all that has happened, I know that with you, I’ve seen love clearer - God’s love that is. So, I praise God still. It’s painful, I’m hurting.. but it’s worth it.
I hope you’re doing well, Awesome. I’m not sure if I’ll see you for Christmas or NYE, so happy holidays!
Love,
Ganda
All from and for Him.
All from and for Him.
