I have a confession to make. A struggle that haunts, hinders and consumes me for so long. But allow me to start with a disclaimer of why I am opening up my long-running struggle.
Disclaimer: God said so. I have been trying to deal with this alone since day 1 of having it and wanting it gone. It was only when I listened to God's instruction of opening up that I felt the biggest relief. It is still there but I was more certain that it will get better. Secondly, I know there are a lot like me out there who opts to hide in their shame closets and who chooses to battle on their own. I don't think I have to share this on a larger public platform (i.e. church's pulpit); however, to you who stumbles upon this, your best option is God - nothing is greater than His redemptive work.
Truth is..
My deepest struggle is lust - in thoughts and actions. This is a shock for many, well don't worry because I am also surprised for myself. I think I have built well a goody two shoes image wherein lust will never be attributed to me. But I have been open with my sexually immoral first relationship that ended more than 5 years ago. This has become the testimony of my encounter and acceptance of Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I regret it so much, if only I didn't have to go through it to meet Christ, I would find all means to do so.
With so much shame, 5 years into my walk, it is still in me. It still creeps in my thoughts on bad days. There are times that my flesh tickles on seeing pornography or even romantic images. There are times before I sleep or when I wake up that an unwanted sensation will be felt. There are times I want to be hugged or hug someone just because. There are times seeing a guy would make me panic for no reason. There are times I feel evaded and exploited easily just by mere compliment on my body, moreso, when I am touched by a man. There are times that scenes of the filthy past would flash before my eyes. There are times that I would cling on the thoughts longer than it should be, and worse. won't even be sorry about it.
This led me to be a man-hater/man-awkward girl. I thought that (most) men would be my fall on purity. Men are more helpless in controlling their fleshly desires. Even with "options" already, I found it hard to trust men because in reality, I can't trust myself either. I longed for someone who will lead me in purity, I held tight on this desire for *almost* 5 years.
Then, I failed myself and I failed Him the most.
I recently wrote about the guy, who didn't share the same faith, I opened up my heart with. I invested a lot in whatever we shared in the hopes he is on the pursuit of Jesus too. God knows best indeed when He instructed us not to be yolked with an unbeliever. I held more his words than God's, leading to my destruction. My church family didn't approve of him of course, so I cheated my way to knowing him more alone. The time we spent together (alone) unearthed the lust I struggled to bury in me. I was a total wretch. So hopeless.
The REAL Truth is..
Jesus suffered, was crucified, died, buried and resurrected for this sin as well. As He defeated the grave, He has shown that this lust - I thought I couldn't ever get rid of - is nothing on Him. He has overcome it. All of it. Every single time I fell, He paid for it. Wow.
Surely he took up our pain
and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
stricken by him, and afflicted.
5
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him
and by his wounds we are healed.
6 and by his wounds we are healed.
We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to our own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
Isaiah 53:4-6
What I just said is very "Christianese" but there's no better way to tell the truth. Failure is something I fear - well, who likes it genuinely anyway? So, failing the nth time brought me to darkest valley of unworthiness, shame, guilt and suffering. Yet, God is still there alive in me. I can hear His whispers of assurance and discipline, I can feel His embrace of comfort, I can see His love through people who loves me. Then, I made a choice like the first time I placed my faith in Jesus. I chose to believe that by His wounds we are healed - past tense, done, it is finished.
Yet again, realizing the healing takes a long time is a different story. Wounds have remained scars. Remaining in my flesh means temptation is still out there. What I did? I rested. I laid this heavy burden on the Lord to fight for me as He promised in Matthew 11:28. Faith moment by moment, resting moment by moment.
Truth now..
It has become more real to me now. The struggle is still there, maybe this is my thorn in the flesh; as it stings to make me so weak, I am being humbled to rely on God for strength. I learned to count the triumphs of moments I was able to escape the thought, from blocking the guy and other distractions out, and hours to days of purity. I sometimes slip a step back but at least I am making more steps forward. I learned to rejoice in hope. (Romans 12:12)
During the recent prayer and fasting week, I was so determined to settle this with the Lord. However, God has better plans - higher than our ways indeed. On the first night, He urged me to come to Him unclean, bearing all my "illnesses", with this lust on top of the list. Being exposed with imperfections was surprisingly comforting. Why? Because I learned to acknowledge even more that I don't have any power to do this on my own. All God. The next night He spoke to me of the "medications" with discipline and discipleship going in at first. As I thought that's the biggest breakthrough already, the third day's theme was all about "second chances". Our God is a God of second chances. Just check the book of Philemon for the story of Onesimus as one of the greatest testimony of redemption. Amazing. Too much grace.
I am still on a high from the fresh encounter with the Lord again. That like Onesimus, as said by Paul, the reason I was taken aback was for a greater purpose of sanctification. For me to be molded even more, scratching off the rough edges, to experience Him more eternally eventually. (Philemon 1:15)
This isn't the end, for sure. The battle continues, thorn still stuck within, scars remain visible.. But Jesus died for me because He loves me regardless of it all. He loves me.
10
Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Psalm 51:10-12
All from and for Him.
