I talk a lot, or simply love talking. I am also very opinionated and even if I don’t know anything about a topic, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask and involve myself in the conversation. I rarely get speechless, not even when I’m scared because I would scream to save my life. For one, I am lost for words, when I get tired of talking non-stop, of course. And then when sweet gestures are made for me - a preferential one I couldn’t explain. You left me speechless.
I received the most beautiful birthday letter (thus far). It was too profound that made me crying on the first paragraph, laugh on the next, and blush all the way through. I still couldn’t explain in detail how I feel but I shall continue to write.
Until now, I am amazed at how someone could get me without trying so hard. Not neglecting the other “concealed” great efforts: driving the lucrative streets of Makati to buy my favorite cake, buying my favorite cake just because it’s my favorite, getting me yellow roses just because it’s yellow and I like flowers, surprising me in the middle of late night at work. The thoughtfulness. WOW.
Don’t get me wrong. I highly appreciate those; I am forever indebted. But see, it’s the unpublicized letter published personally just for me. This is how I see clearly the sincerity that matters the most. And your intentions, too?
I love how I am admired, yet humbled for pointing at the intangible traits made only possible by Christ’s work in me. I love how I am appreciated by the same things I appreciate. I love how it was intellectually stimulating with humor and charm. I love how the exact words of God to me were highlighted like there is such a coincidence. I love that is was long enough for me to read it at least 20 times as of today. I love how “however” is used at the end of the sentence.
I couldn’t find any fault to it (grammatically, none for sure). Cynical as I can be, not being able to find one, made me feel something could be wrong, however.
I am at still a point of healing from the pains, recent immoralities and anxieties. I know we are all depraved and our Christian walk is not always smooth sailing, waves will get rough at some point. But, we can’t journey to an uncertain season.
“Now, faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1
Assurance is synonymous to certainty. You know well this passage. Allow me to reiterate beauty of this piece in the Scripture, however. In this chapter, the great men of faith in the Old Testament were enumerated from Abraham, Moses, Noah, Jacob, etc. All of whom showed faith in action from the hope given to them. In fact, we can learn that our faith is not blind after all; we have a very clear sight of our future in the promise of heaven.
In application to our present circumstances, we might not know yet what (who) is God’s best for us someday. Our faith is in the truth that God knows what is best for us. Here I am saying that I unearthed uncertainties from the letter. It was that long enough for me to be led to somewhere I don’t know. I know this is not your intention.
It was my overthinking that got me to a point of insecurity. And I hate feeling this (towards you). I am just lost in my speechlessness. So, I am finding resolution to this from the God who knows my middle name.
Taking some serious time off to have a more definitive response to the letter. I hope by the time I read it the 21st time, I will be more assured of my faith and feelings. I hope you will too.
All from and for Him.
