HOWEVER

I talk a lot, or simply love talking. I am also very opinionated and even if I don’t know anything about a topic, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask and involve myself in the conversation. I rarely get speechless, not even when I’m scared because I would scream to save my life. For one, I am lost for words, when I get tired of talking non-stop, of course. And then when sweet gestures are made for me - a preferential one I couldn’t explain. You left me speechless. 

I received the most beautiful birthday letter (thus far). It was too profound that made me crying on the first paragraph, laugh on the next, and blush all the way through. I still couldn’t explain in detail how I feel but I shall continue to write.

Until now, I am amazed at how someone could get me without trying so hard. Not neglecting the other “concealed” great efforts: driving the lucrative streets of Makati to buy my favorite cake, buying my favorite cake just because it’s my favorite, getting me yellow roses just because it’s yellow and I like flowers, surprising me in the middle of late night at work. The thoughtfulness. WOW. 

Don’t get me wrong. I highly appreciate those; I am forever indebted. But see, it’s the unpublicized letter published personally just for me. This is how I see clearly the sincerity that matters the most. And your intentions, too? 

I love how I am admired, yet humbled for pointing at the intangible traits made only possible by Christ’s work in me. I love how I am appreciated by the same things I appreciate. I love how it was intellectually stimulating with humor and charm. I love how the exact words of God to me were highlighted like there is such a coincidence. I love that is was long enough for me to read it at least 20 times as of today. I love how “however” is used at the end of the sentence. 

I couldn’t find any fault to it (grammatically, none for sure). Cynical as I can be, not being able to find one, made me feel something could be wrong, however. 

I am at still a point of healing from the pains, recent immoralities and anxieties. I know we are all depraved and our Christian walk is not always smooth sailing, waves will get rough at some point. But, we can’t journey to an uncertain season.

“Now, faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

Assurance is synonymous to certainty. You know well this passage. Allow me to reiterate beauty of this piece in the Scripture, however. In this chapter, the great men of faith in the Old Testament were enumerated from Abraham, Moses, Noah, Jacob, etc. All of whom showed faith in action from the hope given to them. In fact, we can learn that our faith is not blind after all; we have a very clear sight of our future in the promise of heaven. 

In application to our present circumstances, we might not know yet what (who) is God’s best for us someday. Our faith is in the truth that God knows what is best for us. Here I am saying that I unearthed uncertainties from the letter. It was that long enough for me to be led to somewhere I don’t know. I know this is not your intention. 

It was my overthinking that got me to a point of insecurity. And I hate feeling this (towards you). I am just lost in my speechlessness. So, I am finding resolution to this from the God who knows my middle name. 

Taking some serious time off to have a more definitive response to the letter. I hope by the time I read it the 21st time, I will be more assured of my faith and feelings. I hope you will too. 

All from and for Him. 

AGAINST ALL HOPE

Two years ago, I wrote a letter to my future Valentine if there could ever be. I believe it is one of the most beautiful I did for who could be my "God's best." But the reality is, I have a lot to apologize to him because I failed on my promises. God is just so good for restoring me now and the promises I made to Him for him. 

A year ago, I started to pray for someone without any name. God impressed in my heart how beautiful marriage centered in Christ could really be, and the desire for it grew. I was single for 4 years then, so I guess it's just about time to step out of my trust issues on men. I met someone along the way who I thought was "the one", but apparently not (see Long Overdue Emotions). In the tug-of-war of seeking God about the I-thought-he-is-the-one, God opened my disillusioned heart to who-could-be-the-one-He-allows-for-me-to-be-with. 

So, this is not a story of how we fell in love, rather a story of how beautiful it could still be even if it is the opposite. 

I have never met someone I am so compatible with. I still can't believe at times how we ship or can ship the same interests. People often tell me I am so choosy but there are only few things that attract me easily - and this man was an easy prospect. Even my friends would easily guess. Set aside the non-negotiables and preferences, it is the intellect, wit and people-person character that get me. Because long, sensible conversations to anything under the sun mean a lot to me, I became easily comfortable with him (that right now I hope I could talk to him about something I saw on twitter). 

As I get to know him, I saw someone I could really trust. I know he wasn't making an effort nor his best foot was forward, I am impressed at how attentive, thoughtful, protective and genuine he is. It's the little gestures of him remembering, of him being patient and of him being understanding. There are so much I could on gushing about but I learned to guard my heart and keep "kilig" moments buried in my prayers. 

Right when my heart was off the track, I found a good friend in him. Little did I know that God will use it to direct me back on the right way. When I realized we could be best of friends, I started praying. I remember how I prayed long ago for a partner who is my best friend also. I remember my prayer in CCT Tagaytay years ago for a ministry partner whom I share the same calling. I remember the prayer God taught me recently, to pray for someone who runs the same race at the same pace for the same reason as you do. I saw those possibilities in him.

Our friendship is so beautiful; so beautiful that I don't mind to let go of my prayers to keep it like this way. This is how I realized Romans 12:9 should be to true to me. To love sincerely, hate any undesirable things, and hold on to what is good in the eyes of God.

Lately, I see our friendship crumble. We are going through personal trials that got the best of us. I know how difficult his struggles are, yet I have my own anxieties to deal with. To be honest, I am starting to feel frustrated and discouraged. I am seeing how it would not work for us eventually. Sad. I felt like another beautiful thing in my life is being taken away from me. It could be the enemy's way again of pulling me down, but I would rather see it towards God's way. 

As the song goes, "if more of You, means less of me, take everything". So, I am surrendering all my desires to the God who loves me more than he or anyone can. What a tragic love story this sounds, but I have never felt so at peace to make this decision. I think the hidden attraction is not helpful for us, no matter how genuine I could be to offer platonic friendship only. 

Last night I was pondering on this and God's Word was Romans 4:18, "against hope, Abraham in hope believed.." Just like Abraham, his unwavering faith was counted righteousness to him even if circumstances show otherwise (God's promise for him to be the father of all nations but his wife was barren until 90yo!). Then, another  powerful verse came to mind, a verse that means something for both of us:

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer" Romans 12:12

With a confused heart, I will hope more for the beautiful story that is yet to unfold - may it be with him or not, I know it's worth the wait. I will be still and know God is above of it all. But I can't wait for 2019 to be over. 

All from and for Him.

PRELUDE

From the last post to this day, there were a lot of things that happened already - mostly on the low side. How I wish I could share all of it here, however, I have been running against time lately that I can't keep up anymore. The conflict I recently posted about worsened while I was struggling to open a hotel. I was down in the dumps physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. As I crawl my way out of the first month of the year, it was God's mighty hand that never let go. As cliché as it sounds, I survived by God's grace. 

I started this XX days of healing, privately on my own, and I am already on my 6th day. It has been so wonderful! Each day I face every pain buried in my mind and heart and deal it with God through His Word. There's a pain that I dealt with for a couple of days. I never appreciated this much crying myself to sleep talking to God - it felt so good! I am far from 100%, and I am afraid to reach it actually, but I learned to celebrate progress no matter how tiny it could be. 

Actually, I woke up in a good mood to write about love matters. But it wouldn't make sense if I don't make this prelude. I will tell more about it on the next entry though. If my hate relationship with time worsens that I won't be able to continue or share more about my healing journey, I have this small piece to remind me of one morning wherein I woke up feeling joyful and content with the Lord after a very long time. 

All from and for Him.