STEADY MY HEART SERIES (PART 2)

How's my heart?

Since I was diagnosed with SVT last March, many things have changed in me and I've been to several crossroads. God has used this condition to prune me and no pruning is easy or comfortable. Lately, I've discovered that my heart is filled with pride. Admitting to it is tough because I feel like I'm implicitly humble, but apparently my self-professed humility is a huge symptom of pride.

Here's how God revealed it to me: In our ministry's leaders retreat weeks ago, I was rushed to the emergency room because of an episode of SVT and hypertension. I accept full responsibility of this because I sipped a very (very, very) small amount of coffee (which is strictly restricted for me). After 30 minutes, I was having palpitations and difficulty in breathing. My strong pulse was evident on my neck and wrist. While feeling anxious, my discipler and I went out of the venue for a breather and to figure things out. Suddenly, another participant who is a nurse went out - it was heaven sent! He told me that my pulse wasn't "normal." We didn't have medical tools then, so I just rested and endured the pain. I was stubborn to hide my predicaments, but in reality I'm not feeling any better since early afternoon. At 11pm, before going to sleep, I asked the same nurse friend if I'm OK to sleep. He monitored my pulse via my wrist and answered, "no and we better go to the hospital". My obvious reaction was panic that led to anxiety attack. Suddenly, my other brothers and sisters in Christ gathered around us in suspicion. This stressed me out even more because only a few knew my condition and I intentionally don't want people to know. So, I had  to explain to refrain from lying. They were calming and encouraging me to just go to the hospital but I was resistant until my roommate, who is a nurse (God, this isn't an accident) came with a BP monitoring device. It read 162/100. They prayed over me and rushed me straight to the hospital. All the way through, I feel ashamed and apologetic for the hassle, scene and burden it caused them. It was late already, they were exhausted and call time the next day is very early. I kept telling myself, "what a shame, Hope." But from that moment when I had to be taken to the hospital, until the next day, and all the way to this day - I have never felt God's love in His children overflow that much. How can you be ashamed of that?

"In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all this thoughts there is no room for God" Psalm 10:4

I always strive to put on the adventurous and fit hat because I don't want to be the weakling. I am already diagnosed with a different illness years back and my fear of anything medical related show my fragility. And I don't want to be vulnerable. Actually, I feel like I can't be vulnerable. That's why I haven't disclosed my heart condition (and also nothing to be proud of). I don't like people to see me so delicate, that my illness will block me from doing many things, and people will limit me to such image. Also, I don't need for people to take care of me. I'm used to take care of other people more and I want it to be that way because there are many people who need it more than I do. See, everything that I just wrote in this paragraph is rooted in pride. 

God revealed in me my hidden sinfulness. This pride hinders me from experiencing Him even more. I am not taking this new battle seriously because He definitely sees me when I eat what is not allowed and don't take my medicines. I have been neglecting the cure He is providing me. He taught me that it is absolutely OK not to be OK.  As apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Loud and proud, God is good and He has the control over my frail heart. My sickness is an opportunity for His power to manifest; my constant struggle is an avenue for His grace to abound; my weakness is a way for His perfect love to do its work. 

As I allow people to care for me, especially my spiritual family, I have been more appreciative of them. What I am proud now is to know that I am surrounded by people who loves God so much that it overflows so genuinely.  As written by apostle Paul again in Galatians 6:2, "Carry each other's burden, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ". And what is the law of Christ? In John 13:34-35, Jesus said, "A new commandment I give you, Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Indeed, God uses people as His vessels of love. What they did has drawn me closer to Him. 

So what happened in the ER? Just had ECG but no other tests or medications were done. After almost 2 hours, I was discharged and continued rest in the retreat house. Fast forward to the next weekend, on my regular cardio check up, that incident alarmed my doctor and my hypertension is different from my SVT. Thus, another series of lab tests and waiting game. It's daunting and almost depressing. But I am learning to be confident and glad that I have Jesus in my life, He is my Savior who has won the battle already. I know I can rest in Him. 

All from and for Him. 

STEADY MY HEART SERIES (PART 1)

The past weeks have been burdensome and exhausting as I was going in and out of the (my) worst place ever, the hospital. From a faux medical result, it made me so anxious to have myself checked by a specialist. Cutting the 2-week long story, science told me that my heart is in serious trouble. 

SVT or Supraventricular Tachycardia or, in an understandable language, my heart beats so fast in the most unexpected time. Basically, it is not good. Ask Google for more info because that is how I spent the 24 hours after I was diagnosed. 

OK, so I have a heart condition, then what? Let me tell you how it got me stumbling to the point of skipping beats for the Lover of my soul - Jesus. 

More than the physical pain or inconvenience it brings or will bring me, it hurt my emotions and spirituality. Evidence #1: I will say it again, I hate hospitals. To go there 5x in 2 weeks are just too much, so how much more can I bear in the next days?! Evidence #2: Shamefully, I am now under maintenance medicines (every day for the rest of my life - I guess). Because Hope 101, I can't swallow a medicine even pea-sized ones. Evidence #3: I am prohibited from coffee, tea and chocolates. The 3 things that make my heart happy, are now to be seen as enemies. Evidence #4: Knowing about it made me so aware to the point of overreacting, keeping my hand on my chest all time as if keeping it calm. Please, calm down..

Everything I dreaded is now an inescapable situation I have to deal with. Take note, this is just one of the many things I am carrying on my shoulders. I'm like an overblown balloon, getting thinner and thinner as the pressure adds up, that in a wrong touch, I'll just burst. So.. Why am I here? Why did my Sovereign God, who has the control of my life, lead me here? How come my Heavenly Father, who knows every inch of me, caused me such predicament? 

Echoing Job in his suffering, "Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling! I would state my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments." Job 23:1-4. 

Having all these ill feelings toward Him, my heart tightens as if He is telling me too, "Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me." Job 38:2-3

FAITH. How little faith you have, Hope? I know, I know. It's literally and figuratively a heart check for me. God even affirmed it in my bible reading in Deuteronomy 8, He is disciplining me all because of love. *tears* that love wiped the shadow of clouds above me to focus on Him and praise Him magnificently.

I have been desperately seeking miracles, but as Jesus said in  Mark 9: 23, "If I can? Everything is possible for one who believes." - Thus, all I need is to believe He can. My heart sings praises for this shift in perspective. With the help of siblings in Christ, ministry, and ultimately His written promises, I was able to avoid the "backslide" hole. What great pursuing love does God have that it won't let you stay unlovable! 

I fought my doubts with His double-edged-sword Word. My Lord faithfully provided manna/food for the Israelites in the desert, so how can He not provide for my medications? My Lord restored Job, so how can He not lead me out of this career burnout? My Lord brought the life the dead Lazarus, so how can He not steady my heartbeat? My Lord rose from the dead, so how can I have little faith? 

I am still picking up pieces from my recent limping. But what is good about it is that I am not doing it alone - thanks to the Holy Spirit dwelling in me. I also learned the big difference of head knowledge spirituality from keeping His commandments by heart. No matter how much you pinch yourself with bible verses, it's useless without faith in who He truly is. It takes a lot of Him - time with Him. 

As you reach this point, please include me in your prayers? :) I need as much as any other struggling or prospering child of Christ out there. We all need it. We all need Him. 

All from and for Him. 

FUTURE VALENTINE

Dear Future Valentine,

Maybe it's Wicked the musical back in Manila, the 25th wedding anniversary I attended, and Valentine's Day is only days away, that I am seriously thinking about you. Three years ago, I ticked off on my bucket list watching Wicked as a gift to my ex-boyfriend, which actually started my biggest heartbreak, but the best ending was it led me to my one true love - Jesus. Now, after three years, I have been content and patient in waiting for you, and I know I can still wait longer until He allows our paths to meet. 

I am rarely concerned with the matters of my heart, but all these "Wicked et al" feels brought out the hopeless romantic in me. Maybe you would stumble upon this and together we would be amazed on the Lord's faithfulness; but whether there is a you or none, I am secured that His amazing plans will satisfy me. So, talking to the imaginary you made me wonder if we haven't met or been friends for a long time. I wonder if you are single or in a relationship with someone else, what is keeping you busy, and how you are waiting for me too. I wonder more how we will reach that intersection or spark that will last a lifetime. Nakakakilig! With all honesty, I care less about the looks and life status, but I do hope you have a relationship with the Lord by now. Honesty strikes again: I am certain I wouldn't be attracted to you if you are not intimate with Him and passionate in His ministry. 

Considering the idea that you know less to none of me yet, I am a follower of Jesus Christ and found my purpose in witnessing for Him. My heart? As of writing, I am completely sure that there are no desires yet for me to settle or commit in the next weeks, months or probably this year. This passive heart is not traumatized anymore, rather as I am aligning myself to the Lord, He conditions it to remain satisfied in being single. I have many edges to smoothed out and priorities to handle. Been very burdensome lately that maybe if you are right beside me it would feel lighter, but that is a contrast to the love we are called for. And I don't want to be unfair to you. However, this gives me peace that we are in the right place and time to not be together yet. A wonderful season to maximize our exclusivity with God. 

Or maybe you know me, been attracted to me, or even praying intently for me now, I say don't fret even if I am dodging any attention. The main purpose of this capsule letter is to encourage you (both of us) with a (informal yet quasi-public) commitment that we are worth the mile-long patience. I promise to stay pure on how I think, speak and act; level up my household and cooking skills; do the things I like to do alone; stand firm on my conviction on dealing with other men; be more caring, loving, understanding, patient, and all other good qualities you seem fit for you. With the Lord's perfect hands molding me, I am sure this time-consuming work is for our good. 

What do you do? Oh, I have my preference list, but my hopeless-romantic self wants to be surprised on our compatibility. Arte I know! All I can say is wait joyfully as well on the Lord - there is no better advice I guess. Simply be you, enjoy the hobbies you really like and discover more. Don't adjust to be on the same page as me based on what you see on social media or on short convos we may have shared. What excites me a lot are new things I will learn from you.  I can wait to do #godlyrelationship stuff with you: study God's Word, worship side by side, serve the ministry in bible study or outreach, and pray hand in hand. Those romantic things to the simplest things: laugh endlessly on long rides in traffic, eat good and bad food, do groceries, cheer you up after a long day, introduce you to surfing (haha), or spend a really lovely Valentines day date. Oh, I CAN wait for these.

See, I am seriously thinking of you that I am able to write you a lengthy letter. And I have much more to say actually, but I need to pull myself back to the reality. Maybe there will be a you or none at all by God's perfect will which I am 100% fine (swear!). Yea, these "Wicked et al" feels are to blame but I am thankful for the extra guard it brought my heart for something worth the wait - maybe you need it too. 


Love, 
Your Forever Valentine


All from and for Him.