The past weeks have been burdensome and exhausting as I was going in and out of the (my) worst place ever, the hospital. From a faux medical result, it made me so anxious to have myself checked by a specialist. Cutting the 2-week long story, science told me that my heart is in serious trouble.
SVT or Supraventricular Tachycardia or, in an understandable language, my heart beats so fast in the most unexpected time. Basically, it is not good. Ask Google for more info because that is how I spent the 24 hours after I was diagnosed.
OK, so I have a heart condition, then what? Let me tell you how it got me stumbling to the point of skipping beats for the Lover of my soul - Jesus.
More than the physical pain or inconvenience it brings or will bring me, it hurt my emotions and spirituality. Evidence #1: I will say it again, I hate hospitals. To go there 5x in 2 weeks are just too much, so how much more can I bear in the next days?! Evidence #2: Shamefully, I am now under maintenance medicines (every day for the rest of my life - I guess). Because Hope 101, I can't swallow a medicine even pea-sized ones. Evidence #3: I am prohibited from coffee, tea and chocolates. The 3 things that make my heart happy, are now to be seen as enemies. Evidence #4: Knowing about it made me so aware to the point of overreacting, keeping my hand on my chest all time as if keeping it calm. Please, calm down..
Everything I dreaded is now an inescapable situation I have to deal with. Take note, this is just one of the many things I am carrying on my shoulders. I'm like an overblown balloon, getting thinner and thinner as the pressure adds up, that in a wrong touch, I'll just burst. So.. Why am I here? Why did my Sovereign God, who has the control of my life, lead me here? How come my Heavenly Father, who knows every inch of me, caused me such predicament?
Echoing Job in his suffering, "Even today my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy in spite of my groaning. If only I knew where to find him; if only I could go to his dwelling! I would state my case before him and fill my mouth with arguments." Job 23:1-4.
Having all these ill feelings toward Him, my heart tightens as if He is telling me too, "Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me." Job 38:2-3
FAITH. How little faith you have, Hope? I know, I know. It's literally and figuratively a heart check for me. God even affirmed it in my bible reading in Deuteronomy 8, He is disciplining me all because of love. *tears* that love wiped the shadow of clouds above me to focus on Him and praise Him magnificently.
I have been desperately seeking miracles, but as Jesus said in Mark 9: 23, "If I can? Everything is possible for one who believes." - Thus, all I need is to believe He can. My heart sings praises for this shift in perspective. With the help of siblings in Christ, ministry, and ultimately His written promises, I was able to avoid the "backslide" hole. What great pursuing love does God have that it won't let you stay unlovable!
I fought my doubts with His double-edged-sword Word. My Lord faithfully provided manna/food for the Israelites in the desert, so how can He not provide for my medications? My Lord restored Job, so how can He not lead me out of this career burnout? My Lord brought the life the dead Lazarus, so how can He not steady my heartbeat? My Lord rose from the dead, so how can I have little faith?
I am still picking up pieces from my recent limping. But what is good about it is that I am not doing it alone - thanks to the Holy Spirit dwelling in me. I also learned the big difference of head knowledge spirituality from keeping His commandments by heart. No matter how much you pinch yourself with bible verses, it's useless without faith in who He truly is. It takes a lot of Him - time with Him.
As you reach this point, please include me in your prayers? :) I need as much as any other struggling or prospering child of Christ out there. We all need it. We all need Him.
All from and for Him.
