How's my heart?
Since I was diagnosed with SVT last March, many things have changed in me and I've been to several crossroads. God has used this condition to prune me and no pruning is easy or comfortable. Lately, I've discovered that my heart is filled with pride. Admitting to it is tough because I feel like I'm implicitly humble, but apparently my self-professed humility is a huge symptom of pride.
Here's how God revealed it to me: In our ministry's leaders retreat weeks ago, I was rushed to the emergency room because of an episode of SVT and hypertension. I accept full responsibility of this because I sipped a very (very, very) small amount of coffee (which is strictly restricted for me). After 30 minutes, I was having palpitations and difficulty in breathing. My strong pulse was evident on my neck and wrist. While feeling anxious, my discipler and I went out of the venue for a breather and to figure things out. Suddenly, another participant who is a nurse went out - it was heaven sent! He told me that my pulse wasn't "normal." We didn't have medical tools then, so I just rested and endured the pain. I was stubborn to hide my predicaments, but in reality I'm not feeling any better since early afternoon. At 11pm, before going to sleep, I asked the same nurse friend if I'm OK to sleep. He monitored my pulse via my wrist and answered, "no and we better go to the hospital". My obvious reaction was panic that led to anxiety attack. Suddenly, my other brothers and sisters in Christ gathered around us in suspicion. This stressed me out even more because only a few knew my condition and I intentionally don't want people to know. So, I had to explain to refrain from lying. They were calming and encouraging me to just go to the hospital but I was resistant until my roommate, who is a nurse (God, this isn't an accident) came with a BP monitoring device. It read 162/100. They prayed over me and rushed me straight to the hospital. All the way through, I feel ashamed and apologetic for the hassle, scene and burden it caused them. It was late already, they were exhausted and call time the next day is very early. I kept telling myself, "what a shame, Hope." But from that moment when I had to be taken to the hospital, until the next day, and all the way to this day - I have never felt God's love in His children overflow that much. How can you be ashamed of that?
"In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all this thoughts there is no room for God" Psalm 10:4
I always strive to put on the adventurous and fit hat because I don't want to be the weakling. I am already diagnosed with a different illness years back and my fear of anything medical related show my fragility. And I don't want to be vulnerable. Actually, I feel like I can't be vulnerable. That's why I haven't disclosed my heart condition (and also nothing to be proud of). I don't like people to see me so delicate, that my illness will block me from doing many things, and people will limit me to such image. Also, I don't need for people to take care of me. I'm used to take care of other people more and I want it to be that way because there are many people who need it more than I do. See, everything that I just wrote in this paragraph is rooted in pride.
God revealed in me my hidden sinfulness. This pride hinders me from experiencing Him even more. I am not taking this new battle seriously because He definitely sees me when I eat what is not allowed and don't take my medicines. I have been neglecting the cure He is providing me. He taught me that it is absolutely OK not to be OK. As apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Loud and proud, God is good and He has the control over my frail heart. My sickness is an opportunity for His power to manifest; my constant struggle is an avenue for His grace to abound; my weakness is a way for His perfect love to do its work.
As I allow people to care for me, especially my spiritual family, I have been more appreciative of them. What I am proud now is to know that I am surrounded by people who loves God so much that it overflows so genuinely. As written by apostle Paul again in Galatians 6:2, "Carry each other's burden, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ". And what is the law of Christ? In John 13:34-35, Jesus said, "A new commandment I give you, Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Indeed, God uses people as His vessels of love. What they did has drawn me closer to Him.
So what happened in the ER? Just had ECG but no other tests or medications were done. After almost 2 hours, I was discharged and continued rest in the retreat house. Fast forward to the next weekend, on my regular cardio check up, that incident alarmed my doctor and my hypertension is different from my SVT. Thus, another series of lab tests and waiting game. It's daunting and almost depressing. But I am learning to be confident and glad that I have Jesus in my life, He is my Savior who has won the battle already. I know I can rest in Him.
All from and for Him.
