"It is finished, but not with you yet"
I love my job - the company and my colleagues. There are gray areas but imperfections are normal. Since I started in my current job until the early months of this year, people know how much I am content with my career. It is stressful and demanding, yet I can sleep with a fulfilled spirit. I was even given an opportunity to share workplace testimony twice in our church. I was also blessed with a work recognition that I will never take the credit for. Simply God's grace.
True enough, life goes on until we are dead. And the road is not always smooth or straight. Midway to this year, a rocky and dark road in my workplace surprised me. There are handful of reasons for it that I may not be able to disclose fully. In a nutshell, I felt unmotivated with what I am doing. I do finish my deliverables but I don't feel like tapping myself on the back for it. The 5-year to 10-year career plan suddenly haunted me. Before when we are asked where or how do you see yourself in the future, a vague "I want to be successful or happy" answer is enough. But I guess this is quarter-life crisis - when things just got real-er and real-er. I am not fully convinced that what I am currently doing is where I see myself growing old in. It's an extreme contrast to the simple life I hoped for.
In times of distress, I cry my heart out to God for help. I am ashamed of this, of reading the bible to answer my questions or seeking God during the bad times only. How gracious is He who gives without reproach despite it all. (James 1:5) As I start my search for clarity and peace of mind, I stumbled upon the life of the Israelites in the book of Exodus. (read here) God promised to bring them to the promise land and it took them 40 years in the wilderness. It's so strange for a good God to give them an easier, shorter route. But that's how He shows His love for us. In their journey, their sinfulness were magnified and God didn't tolerate any of it. He disciplined it, yet constantly provided for their needs. And yes, He never broke the promise. He is not a genie, He is God - holy, loving, perfect, just, merciful and the list of good attributes goes on.
That's how He loves me (us) as well. The burden got heavier and longer for a couple of months. I tried hard to shake it off but my heart was still restless. With the help of my accountability partners, I gained wisdom on how to see and pray for my situation. True enough my heart was beating for wrong motives. I keep on asking for fulfillment when it's my choice to be happy about with what I do. I forgot to appreciate having a job that provides for me and my family. I begged for breakthroughs when my situation was already a start to it. I want to be competitive for who or what, when in fact I am working for the Lord. My reward is already secured in heaven, I am to live my purpose of being a witness wherever I am in.
GOD IS FAITHFUL. If there's a sound to this blog, it will be in the highest volume. God used my mid-year review to fully assess myself and to reveal the reason for the storm. My only prayer was for God to give me confidence to objectively tell my boss how I feel towards work and that I may receive well what my boss will tell me. Just before I raised my heart's concern, my boss already told me her next plans for me. It was the opposite of what I wanted, but surprisingly it gave me so much peace. I am convinced that God's hand was over my boss' decision. I am now doing a task that I have been dreading to do but that's how He loves (me).
God is more concerned with my character than my success. He knows me inside and out, so He knows what I need to improve on. God's great will is to make His children Christ-like, and directing my career is only a tool to fulfill that. As I seek Him, He aligns my desire to His. (Psalm 37:4) Amazingly, our lesson in our discipleship group is about the book of James that talks about what genuine faith really is.
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance." James 1:2-3
My faith, patience and love are being stretched to be more enduring so I could finish well. Taking a new turn again in my life, I am so grateful to know that God has never and never will forsake me. My weakness and lack of faith was never a reason for Him to love less because that's who He is. (1 John 4:8) I am excited to write another opportunity that God is opening up for me, but I will keep still for awhile and wait for His time. Meanwhile, I am reminded of my purpose of being a witness for Him by worshiping Him.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God--this is your true and proper worship." Romans 12:1
All from Him, all for Him.
