"You are loved more than you ever know by someone who died to know you" (in relation to Romans 5:8)
During my first solo international trip, that happened a few weeks ago, I maximized this opportunity to be very intimate with the Lord who made this journey a milestone (I swear to find time to write more about that trip some other time). I read about the Book of Job and reflected on the daily devo's on www.utmost.org. I also had a specific prayer focus each day like family, career, love, spiritual walk, etc. What was my key takeaway? The nature of faith is to be tested to reveal the qualities of the object of our faith. I laid down all my petitions and He simply told me to have faith at all times - good or bad. That's it, that's all I need. While I was wandering alone, I kept reminding myself to trust Him my steps, and sure enough, He is more faithful than I am by bringing me home whole and scratch-free. I was so ecstatic about how God spoke to me in the trip. But little did I know, it is when I'm back home that the application will take place. It's always easier said than done, cliche as always.
To be very honest, I am struggling so much right now with my walk. I am so ashamed of how self-righteous I have been. Since I declared my lifetime commitment to God, I was really on fire to live for Him. His love is overflowing in my heart that I was trying so hard to be obedient and be the daughter He wants me to be. I want Him to be glorified in everything I do. But who was I kidding? In the deepest of my heart and at the back of my mind, God bared my soul infront of me to show how narrow I viewed faith to be. A discipline that I am finding hard to accept.
It rooted to when I was praying for someone for a long time (see my previous post) and I had convinced myself I was doing a good job on guarding my heart. I claimed all circumstances to be evidences that he is my God's best. I was trying to be elusive towards him not to preempt God's timing for us. Evidently, when I knew he was praying for someone else, my heart ached a lot, and until now, it's consuming me. I am now seeing them closer than before that validates the guy's affection. My emotions and thoughts are killing me right now realizing this. And I hate it!
I hate pain - physical, emotional, mental, and add to that now the spiritual kind. I hate how I am hurting over a guy again. No matter how much I try to shake it off, pain still creeps in. The response of the old HOPE to pain would be to escape or to loathe until she becomes numb. My great fear to return to the old HOPE is crashing in now. I was such an over thinker, controlling and discontented. I know the devil is tempting me to go back to my old ways, but God is motivating me to fight against it.
In our GLC class (bible study), I learned that there should be an effort too from our part as believers. Yes, God saved us, fights for us and will never stop blessing us; but He does this for us to be a dependent follower, which is not a lazy or passive role, rather bold and diligent in the relationship. We are to make disciples and we have commandments to obey. Faith is indeed an action word.
Having this spiritul setback, I can see how God wants me to rejoice (1 Peter 1:6). I am improving to be more prayerful, to lift up to Him all sorts of worries. I also had to straighten my focus on God's agenda for me, and all of us, which is discipleship. My girls need me right now and I have to be strong for them. I have to model what I preach. Also, people around me are showering me with compliments of how I am blessing them with my walk (oh, if they only know my imperfections). I use those encouragements to keep doing what is right for the Lord and eliminate what isn't. How amazing truly God is. He's working in my life and I am nothing but undeserving. I will forever be undeserving of this pursuing love.
The battle is not yet over. I am still letting my emotions cripple me down, thoughts exaggerate to the unthinkable, and crying has been the first reaction. I am sure tomorrow or the next day or week, I will be again dodging from deceits but my biggest defense is HOPE. All things work together for good with God (Romans 8:28). I need prayers, I need encouragements, I need focus.
All Him, all for Him.
