Leaving?

29 June 2012 around 8:00 PM

Mom: When will you get a job? I have plans already of staying in Qatar with your father. I am just waiting for you to have a job and be stable so I can start processing the requirements. It will only take me a month."

*silence*

Mom: Or if you want, come with me there? It's a good country with lots of job openings.

ME: NO.

Since that evening, there's not an hour that I didn't thought about - Mom leaving for Qatar. I am filled with negative emotions just by thinking about it. It is not just the thought of my Mom being away from me for the first time, but the other conditions that lies in the matter. 

It's been 3 months of unemployment and I know my mom is quite disappointed with it even if she doesn't express it. I am too. I am bothered as hell! God knows how much I am trying and finding! And only He knows that this too kills my self-esteem. But He greatly knows I am still fighting harder than I thought I could.

I know I won't survive employment without my mom to help me with the requirements for work if needed. So, she is really waiting for me to get a job and then off she flies. 

This is really a HUGE PRESSURE for me. My mom's desire and joy depend on me. How difficult could that be? I am not a good daughter but I am trying to be every single day. My mom has been the most selfless person in my life. Just looking at her every night when she comes home from work, I know she's tired. I want to carry on that exhaustion of hers and give her the well-deserved rest with my dad..

So, I am left with two options to end this agony.

STAY or LEAVE.

"HOPE, please stay." 

Well, this is really what I want. Therefore, I have to find a work IMMEDIATELY. But the past three months hasn't been easy for me because if it was, I'd probably have a job right now. But why do I still want to stay?

Because for me, leaving means quitting. It only proves that I have lost HOPE - the only thing I have with me now. Patriotic as it sounds, but I want to prove that there is HOPE here in my country. I know there is. I want to prove to myself and to others, who have lost that HOPE, that I can survive here. And, I want to prove to everyone who has HOPE in me, that I can succeed right before their eyes. 

There are a lot of things I still want to do here with my family and friends. A lot of places to discover, people to meet and love to find. I want to conquer this country first, before conquering other lands. 

"Try it. Leave with me"

I wouldn't be so bothered like this if I am not considering leaving and working in Qatar. From what is in the news, yes, there are a lot of job opportunities in other countries. And Qatar has been one of the top choices. My dad has been working there since I was little. He already a house and car there. Quite stable and comfortable to call home someday.

I can't stop thinking: What if there is really something there for me? What if my HOPES will turn to reality there? What if I can find happiness there, eventually?

02 July 2012 6:15 PM

Another day passed by without any calls. Another day that is wasted. 

This isn't just a matter of what I want now. It's a matter of choosing what you think is right - a decision I have to do quickly because the clock it ticking fast. 

I am still undecided but I have to make a decision soon. But atleast for now, I have to wipe these tears away, stand up, find a job online or open a newspaper, try my luck, wait, and PRAY. 

           

It definitely is!!! So, please hold on to me too? Make me stay..

"Baby, please don't go. If I wake up tomorrow will you still be there? Baby, please don't go, go, go.."

MOVE

I am back, bloggie!

It's been awhile since I opened this blog, changed the layout, posted something and cared at all.

I have never forgotten about my "own website", well because it's indicated in my Twitter URL description and this is important me, so no worries of neglecting. Just this week, I told myself to get my ass back to blogging again to exercise my brain and muscles (only on the hands though) while I'm bumming around because of unemployment. Finally, I did it! Here I am starting my comeback blog post.

Just to share, few minutes ago, I think I was almost eaten alive by the new interface of BLOGGER! Nothing is really permanent in this world. While twitter is changing its layout every month and Facebook is just changing every second, Blogger is going with the consistent change activity of social media.

I have no plans of making my blog tasteful to the eyes in terms of its layout, but my eyes can't bare seeing those books on the background and the orange motif of my old layout. Maybe that's the reason why few reads my blog and hates it. Anyway, TA-DA! Simple, clean and plain. Like there's no effort added? But I tell you guys, I spend more than 30 minutes finishing it!

When I asked myself why I haven't updated my blog that long, I really don't know why. Honestly, I just got busy and lazy (more of lazy actually). But a lot has happened in the past few months that is why I hate myself for not blogging it down! I won't promise but I will try starting now.

I really want to keep this short. I will just let my next posts tell stories, burst ideas and questions, and share HOPE.

Before I end this, there's just one song that I get inspiration and motivation to keep moving despite the devastation of waiting for the BIG CAREER BREAK.

Dare You To Move by Switchfoot
"I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor. I dare you to move, I dare you to move like today never happened.."

YEAR OF FUN

"#2011in3words Stress, Priorities, Opportunities" - This was my tweet yesterday. Yes, this is how I summarize my year 2011.

Emotional and psychological stress have been my morning wake-up call and evening lullaby. I was not in my healthiest this year. People would always see me problematic and haggard. And the worst part, I am a stress eater, it resulted to huge weight gains. But I will always consider all the stress as chances for me to prove myself. And because I am self-obsessed, I won over stress! I may have not won with gold medals, but I never ran away from it. I faced it with winning game face! :)

Knowing my priorities is my biggest challenge. It will take a lot of wisdom to set one's priorities. Sadly, I sacrificed my social life for my responsibilities. But that was one thing I was never wrong with. Though sometimes my schedule is all messed up, what is important is that by the end of the day I know which is important to me :)

2011 also has been full of doors of opportunities. I may not deserve all of it but I am so blessed just to know that there are people who saw my potentials and trusted in me. With all the hardwork and efforts I have exerted, I never asked for anything in return. Keeping this humility, I have been blessed with overwhelming opportunities. As I end this year, I am up for greatness! Thank God for all the opportunities :)

These three things - stress, priorities and opportunities, led me to one great 2012 lesson - MATURITY. I never saw myself growing up (emotionally and intellectually), but 2011 has ended my youth days. This year I have been faced with the worst stress ever, but it made me tougher and more mature. It takes a lot of maturity to make the right decisions and getting your priorities right. Saying that, I am definitely on the right track. Opportunities don't last, it fades if taken for granted. But with the maturity I gained this year, I am positive I will prove that I am deserving of all of it.

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Unexpectedly, my last year of 2011 was pure bliss. I had great moments with my true friends, did some spontaneous things, got rid of heartaches and felt accomplished with my internship. I never felt this overjoyed for the past days of the year. I guess it's just summarizing my entire year in a way that I never perceived it to be. I have been busy the whole year fulfilling my SC responsibilities, trying my hardest to make good impressions, struggling over my academics, staying strong for others and being the person others want me to be. But God, with all the powers from the universe, made me felt that I did just enough :)

I wouldn't lie, I am not ending this year right. I have my failures, regrets and guilt with me, but I will be facing 2012 stronger! Strong enough to face the big real world because I know the people I will run to when I trip again and again :)

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I have a lot to say about how awesome my 2011 was. I couldn't stop my mouth from telling all the dramatic, funny and amazing memorable stories. But as traditions says, we have to learn to move on from the past year and welcome the new year anew. I am going with tradition, but will be bringing a huge sack of wisdom and courage I gained from 2011.

I certainly ROCKED 2011! ♥

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As how Bill Rancic says it (in my favorite reality series Giuliana&Bill) - "THIS IS THE YEAR OF FUN!" ♥

2012 is my YEAR OF FUN! :)

I am still not sure how my 2012 will be. It wouldn't be that predictable as before, like how I always know I will be in school for the entire year, because I will graduating this March! I am 100% clueless of where I will be and who I will be with in the next months. When I was about to start my internship, I was so scared and nervous of the real world. I thought I was not prepared yet. Well, I am still unprepared but 2011 made me tougher! I might face 2012 alone but it's with a fighter's game face! :)

I also dedicate my 2012 to myself. I have done a lot of sacrifices this past year. But I don't regret putting myself on the least priority. I have never felt so accomplished when I know I am doing things for others' sake. Though 365 days of it is enough already. It's time to have 365 days for myself :)

I have this great realization in mind. I have always scheduled my day, doing things according to plan and controlled myself from sudden changes. But what I've missed out a lot was doing spontaneous things. And when I had a chance to do one, I found this genuine happiness that I want to have for a long time :)

This year I will take more risks and chances. This year I will be more impulsive. This year I will just go with the flow. This year I will live THE LIFE! ♥

CHEERS TO THE YEAR OF FUN, 2012 ♥