PRELUDE

From the last post to this day, there were a lot of things that happened already - mostly on the low side. How I wish I could share all of it here, however, I have been running against time lately that I can't keep up anymore. The conflict I recently posted about worsened while I was struggling to open a hotel. I was down in the dumps physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. As I crawl my way out of the first month of the year, it was God's mighty hand that never let go. As cliché as it sounds, I survived by God's grace. 

I started this XX days of healing, privately on my own, and I am already on my 6th day. It has been so wonderful! Each day I face every pain buried in my mind and heart and deal it with God through His Word. There's a pain that I dealt with for a couple of days. I never appreciated this much crying myself to sleep talking to God - it felt so good! I am far from 100%, and I am afraid to reach it actually, but I learned to celebrate progress no matter how tiny it could be. 

Actually, I woke up in a good mood to write about love matters. But it wouldn't make sense if I don't make this prelude. I will tell more about it on the next entry though. If my hate relationship with time worsens that I won't be able to continue or share more about my healing journey, I have this small piece to remind me of one morning wherein I woke up feeling joyful and content with the Lord after a very long time. 

All from and for Him.

LONG OVERDUE EMOTIONS

Maybe I'm just exhausted and stressed from work, or maybe it's a distraction to be productive, or maybe it's the recent hurtful attack from someone in church, or maybe because I saw a glimpse of him today, or maybe the wounds have healed or maybe it hasn't really.. but today my heart is breaking again like it's a long overdue. 

Today I was reminded of how I deeply invested in someone who wasn't vice versa; like if it was a gamble, he was betting on a different game, and I ended bankrupted. But I have to set the record straight, he has a good heart and I give him all due credit for putting up with all my flaws. He is a gentleman, I always felt respected and cared for, and he made an effort to put a smile on my face as much as he can. It was his personality, the person I knew beyond physical, life status or what people warned me of. There's a lot I liked about him, but there goes the first problem, none of those were on my non-negotiables. 

I blame myself for compromising the past 3 years of patiently waiting on the Lord. Because of my 1st failed relationship, wherein I started a real relationship with God, I held onto the highest standards because I know that's what God wants for me (for all of us). Looking back at how I have been so conservative, reluctant even, on dealing with men before, I feel so stupid now. I have turned godly men before because I believed that they aren't God's best. And yet, with this man, who doesn't love God the same way that I do, I suddenly bent down.

I fell for all the promises especially when he crossed his heart to catch up with me on this race. But who was I kidding, I am not the Holy Spirit to change his heart. From petty broken promises like cooking my favorite kare-kare to the big ones like getting my parents' approval, I prayed for all those to happen and extended my timelines more and more. True enough, the things that are important to me are not important to him.

Multiple head slams on the wall is what I deserve now because I settled once again; history repeated itself. My hopeless romantic desires are actually lusts of the flesh. I saw again the worst kind of clingy and needy version of myself. Knowing him made me know God less. I made an idol out of him and I am reaping the consequences - heartbreak to regret, because I should've known better but I just don't. It's my fault..

I was doing well lately for weeks to months now until awhile ago someone started a conversation about him. It incurred in me that I was suddenly dropped (like a mic). There wasn't a decent goodbye, letting go message, or closure at most. He suddenly gave up on me and faded away. At first, I thought it was ok, so there won't be any dramatic tug-of-war of decisions. However, it's a horrible fact to be left behind without any decency. Not once did he check up on me or what not. All the weeks of feeling so reenergized in my value in God shattered away. So to that person who labeled me as a highly insecure person, I couldn't agree more. 

It's like the broken Hope 4 years ago crying out to God for her worth. I really feel discouraged at this point. In my previous post, I claimed that I'm on a journey to being fully single for the Lord first with the trust that He will provide at the perfect time. But I can't help asking why do I fall for those who don't care enough or those who will just miss the mark? Why has it been so complicated? My frail heart diagnosed with SVT is just tired of all the fake love in the world. 

So where and how do I see God in this affliction? He is my good, good Father who is disciplining me, showing me what I failed to see and what I still need to see. It's been a painful process to go through pruning and the big word of "sanctification". My hope is in Him for sure, but my selfishness just wants to burst all the emotions hidden for a quite a time now. 

How timely for this to happen that I'm off to an out of the country trip. Every year that I am about to, something like this would happen. How timely as well while I see God leading me to someone, getting more and more confident about it, and praying intentionally about him,  aghost of the past haunts you. Emotions are troubled that I'm making time to write about it. If I could just put emojis here, this will flood with tears. I hope this will be over soon..

As difficult as it could be for me now, I still say.. All from and for Him. 

CHILDLIKE FAITH & PURE HEART

I have been weary the past months that even though I tried to deny it, God's mercy and grace revealed the sins and struggles I need to repent and resolve. This resulted for my heart to be broken awfully and I take full responsibility for it. In that brokenness, I also realized how exhausted it has been for a long time now. Looking back, many reasons piled up that exhausted my heart - excluding the cardiac illness I was diagnosed with last year. 

Setting the record straight, I am not comfortable when people, especially my churchmates, flatter me as someone being admired by "a lot" of men. It makes me conscious as to what could they have seen interesting about me, and eventually insecurity starts when I don't see any of "those" men step up with their serious intentions. Moreso, I didn't want a reputation of being an eye candy to define me. Tons of conversations would include pestering me with this thought that "guard your heart" has been obscured to me. 

There came a time when several men laid down their intentions to me. They are godly men, brothers in Christ and good friends of mine. Obviously, none progressed to courtship or whatever next level there is. In three instances (I really hate to count it), it was a rollercoaster ride for my heart. I know the rejection must be more difficult for the guy, but what people didn't know it is fairly burdensome on my part too. Praying, discerning, seeking counsel and observing them, but only to have no for an answer. The saddest part is I lost close male friends and awkwardness has become normal when we are in the same room. It also hit me negatively to know that these men are now happily in love with their God's best. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them because this is all God's will anyway. I just wondered if I lost on this? 

But when I got myself attracted to a godly man, it also didn't proceed to anything. I even ended up having so much disappointments at how seemingly mature men could be so selfish still. Then, I found myself recently highly invested on someone who doesn't love God the same way I do. I had all the warnings from this temptation but my recklessness drowned me in a lot of compromise and pain. I would tell myself that I should have known better, yet my flesh let me down. 

This is when I discovered that the frailty of my heart is rooted way back to my childhood. I grew up trying to please other people's expectations, to be the better person at all times (simply by being the leader on every group projects to student organizations), and to be someone's source of happiness, comfort and wisdom. Hence, I concluded that there is no room for me to fail. Like how I got my first heartbreak 4 years ago, I also got deeply exhausted from being the "model" daughter, student, disciple, woman, etc. That when stepped foot on the world's deceitful pleasures, I was defeated by the enemy of this world. 

Praise God. I thank God for redeeming me back to the right path. I have been restless concealing my struggles and I know it was the Holy Spirit convicting me to get it right. He reminded me that I am now His daughter and not of the world (John 15:19). I thank God for His forgiveness that heals me now. Despite my transgressions, He still loves me the same way - a love greater than anyone or anything. 

"There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." John 15:13

I could go on sharing how God has awaken me, disciplined me and revealed His will now, but this might turn into a novel rather than a blog post. Although, I need to establish the concrete plan God is leading me to do. I desire to have that childlike faith once again. As said in Matthew 18:3, "And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." To be very dependent on God and to be protected by God from being heartbroken again. I want to go back to when I was so satisfied in God alone that I was turning to be a man-hater already. That season of my life has made me so productive at work, in discipleship and making Him known. I will purposefully avoid romantic matters to make myself pure once again. I am not setting a timeline for this as I believe there shouldn't be an end to being exclusive for the Lord. 

A sermon on The Porch by Pastor Jonathan Pokluda hit me hard. He preached to pursue God immensely and faster as you can, and let a man pursue God immensely and faster as you do. Take a look whoever that man could be and check if God opens your heart. 

There so much more God has revealed to me on how I can guard my heart and have it wait, but saving it on the next post. I just feel more relieved letting all these feels out and experience God's grace more after I surrendered myself again. 

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

All from and for Him.