MY TESTIMONY

Just the other night, I was feeling nostalgic of my retreat experiences to the point that I stumbled upon my testimony posted on our ministry's website which was plucked out of this blog. Although those were all true, there were still parts of my life that wasn't captured because it briefly narrated my encounter with God going through the retreat. So, I decided to complete the story of God's amazing work in my life - all for His glory. 

I am your typical goody-two shoes kind of girl. I grew up in a conservative and sheltered family. We live an average life that motivated me to be goal-oriented at a young age. Youngest of two kids, whose older sister I was in constant conflict with. I am always pressured to be the "good daughter" because my sister was like the "prodigal one". I embraced these expectations that I turned to me to a model student people look up to, succeeding academically and in student affairs. In general, I feel like I was an "excellent person" that I deserve only the good things in life. But truth be told, I had dark sides: I got involved in homosexual relationships with my exposure in an exclusive girls school, cheated so many times and ways, blatantly disrespected my parents, and hurt countless of people. 

Growing up, I know God as the Creator and Lord to whom we are supposed to pray to. Going to church, doing religious rituals and praying became mandatory at home and school, and not something I'd do joyfully on my own. And as I age, the more I knew less of God and do less of the rituals, thinking I am doing well in life.

Things started turning around when I graduated in college since school was my comfort zone. I was excited for it because it was like breaking free from all the pressure from my parents and live my life in my own term while proudly believing I'll be successful. But it didn't go my way. I had a hard time finding a job and eventually settled in a career that is totally out of my league. I started compromising my values and lived the opposite that people remembered me for. Although there were no drugs or vices, it's still a squandered life without any purpose or direction.

And the biggest compromise was my first relationship with my officemate. He wasn't my type at all and it was really just the ridicule from people around us that lured me to him. Add to that my year-long desire for a serious relationship, since I was NBSB then. I settled for the no-label kind of relationship, sacrificing my purity, and made him my world. My hopeless romantic self blinded me from the fact that we are not compatible even if we fought everyday. The relationship really suck everything out of me and I knew with him too. So, after a year, he broke with me on Facebook (by just changing his status). I felt the my world shattered. My parents weren't around, I was battling a broken relationship with my sister, I felt unmotivated at work because I still see him there, and basically everything was just crashing down on me.  I was depressed for months that I always wonder how can someone simply hurt and leave me like that? Don't I deserve a decent break-up, or even more, a decent relationship? I felt ugly, pathetic, disrespected and worthless. I tried exploring many ways to recover - climbed mountains, go out of town, eat out (but still losing lots of lbs), and reinventing myself.  All these to prove that I can do this on my own. But none of these work.

One of those consecutive nights of hopelessly crying in my dark room, I whispered like a prayer, "Lord, hindi ko na kaya. Help." Days after a friend of mine, Richel, who attends CCF, was going through a break-up and we would encourage each other. She invited me to one Sunday Service and there I met the real Jesus Christ of the Bible.

Looking back, at that time, I know I just met Him and not accepted. Although, I was already plugged in a Dgroup, striving to read the bible and consistently attending worship service, I still have doubts and hesitations. Doubts like: am I really saved by faith alone? I am such a dirty lady, how can I ever be forgiven? I feel out of place in this Christian community. I can't live this "clean" life always.

But God is a God who pursues. He pursued me for a year, slowly showing me the abundant life He promised. He blessed with a career I am motivated at, He surrounded me with a spiritual family who was patient with me, and He fed me with irrefutable truths through His Word. He showed me the exact opposite of the worldly relationship I had - saying, how can you turn your back on Me? So, I didn't.


So in the True Life Singles retreat in 2015, I fully accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. There I realized the power of grace and I am indeed a new creation in Him. I committed my life to the gospel that I am a sinner bound for hell, but God sent His only son Jesus to die for all our sins and resurrected after 3 days.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God." Galatians 2:20

Since then, my life has never been the same. It's not struggle-free and I'm not sin-proof, but I have this joy, peace, love and all the other things God promised that an abundant life has (John 10:10). This blog is only a glimpse of how "terribly" lost I was before Christ in 2014 and my pursuit to make Him known from that day forward.




All from and for Him.

SAY GOODBYE SAYS GOD

When I committed to discipleship, I was well informed of the joys and pains of it. I am a disciple too - a heavy extra baggage myself - so I know how difficult it could be to have someone accountable to you. But I have seen God’s faithfulness even more true in this area of my life. God slowly prepared me for it through trainings in our CCF Church and identified the most fitting schedule for me. He assigned very wonderful and diverse girls under my care. I started with one, who eventually had to leave for studies abroad, but replaced it immediately with a couple more. He equipped me with materials to teach, wisdom to counsel, strength to share, and love to freely give. Although, the road to having a “group” was not smooth because it was 1-on-1 for months. I could remember how each of them was an answered prayer but I am still in awe how everything just happened – totally out of sight, rather through faith in God.

The journey is not a steady ride. Praise God it isn’t because it pulls me closer to Him all the more. When one's eternal destination is on your shoulders, who wouldn't fall on their knees for grace? But they fill my heart with inexplicable joy and fulfillment whenever I see them resist temptations, facilitate devotions, share their Bible reflections, encourage and pray for one another, praise God for simplest and difficult situations, and so much more. It's beyond one's mortal capacity. I couldn't take credit for anything really. 

This year started on a shaky ground towards my career direction, then I hit a health issue on my birthday month that got worse as days go by. There were moments that I would break down, suddenly one of my girls would cry for out for help, that I had to suck the tears up and pretend to be OK. Sometimes their concerns would be so demanding that my selfishness would tell me, "Wait, can I focus on myself for awhile?" But the Holy Spirit grips my heart tight reminding me that God loves these girls so much and how can I treat them less than their worth? In the past few difficult months, they have been my motivation to persevere in running this race. I swore to God that things may fail around me but I will continue to be faithtful in this calling - every single day. 

However, God has different plans. One by one, my girls seem to be out of reach because it is God's will in their lives. One already bid temporary farewell because of family concerns, three are busy in school, and one will eventually study overseas. So, my HOPE is on two girls to be consistently around. But just when I was excited to teach and hype our trio, one of them is going back to the province for good, hence, leaving us - me. 

Hear that shattering sound? That's my heart. I felt like Job in the Bible wherein everything I hold dearly is being taken away from me. Especially, that one thing I left my HOPEFUL heart in. I did question God. I never expected to cry for days actually (even while writing this). I can see the "giving up" door once again, then God brings me back the reality that 1) He has everything under perfect control, 2)  it is for all our good, 3) so why do I grumble on my standard of discipleship, 4) when it should be Jesus' who modeled patience and understanding for His rather difficult apostles. 

This blog post is also dedicated to my dearest Harley, who's leaving us as how God called her for.

Dear Har,

Our discipleship relationship is very short - two months that was. Despite of that I feel so invested, attached and have much to say to you :( I feel frustrated because I think I haven't counseled enough or made enough time for you. You and I have more life stories to share. It breaks my heart to see you go far from us, because I've realized I'm not good with handling LDRs. But you leaving exposed my sinfulness - pride, frustration and lack of faith. So I've learned to praise God for this moment. Thank you, Har! Thank you for opening yourself up to me and the group. Thank you for praying, learning and having fun with us. Thank you for reminding me of not being complacent, seizing every opportunity of loving my girls, because I'll never know when our roads will split up. What keeps me so at peace is that you obeyed God's call for you and that you will be more happier having your family close with you. And, that you will stay in our group chat! :) Accountability and e-discipleship continues (drama ko lang talaga). But I pray you find a new set of accountability group and ministry there. Just remember that you  always have a family here in Manila - praying and cheering for you! And of course, that He who began the good work in you will fulfill 'til the very end (Philippians 1:6)  God is with you and  that is enough for me to say good bye :) I love you, Har! 

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face." Job 13:15 is an extreme level of faith that is tough to keep up with. I aspire to have this locked in my mind all  the time. But it is tough.. So I find rest in this verse on Matthew 11:36, "Blessed is anyone who doesn't stumble on account me." My joy is complete knowing that I focused my faith on Jesus, no matter what He does or intends to do in my life, because He loves me the most. That goes all to my girls, my God's best in this season, that wherever God leads them, they have my full support and love. This newly vacant slot on my plate allows God to fill it once again - grace after grace. 

All from and for Him.

STEADY MY HEART SERIES (PART 2)

How's my heart?

Since I was diagnosed with SVT last March, many things have changed in me and I've been to several crossroads. God has used this condition to prune me and no pruning is easy or comfortable. Lately, I've discovered that my heart is filled with pride. Admitting to it is tough because I feel like I'm implicitly humble, but apparently my self-professed humility is a huge symptom of pride.

Here's how God revealed it to me: In our ministry's leaders retreat weeks ago, I was rushed to the emergency room because of an episode of SVT and hypertension. I accept full responsibility of this because I sipped a very (very, very) small amount of coffee (which is strictly restricted for me). After 30 minutes, I was having palpitations and difficulty in breathing. My strong pulse was evident on my neck and wrist. While feeling anxious, my discipler and I went out of the venue for a breather and to figure things out. Suddenly, another participant who is a nurse went out - it was heaven sent! He told me that my pulse wasn't "normal." We didn't have medical tools then, so I just rested and endured the pain. I was stubborn to hide my predicaments, but in reality I'm not feeling any better since early afternoon. At 11pm, before going to sleep, I asked the same nurse friend if I'm OK to sleep. He monitored my pulse via my wrist and answered, "no and we better go to the hospital". My obvious reaction was panic that led to anxiety attack. Suddenly, my other brothers and sisters in Christ gathered around us in suspicion. This stressed me out even more because only a few knew my condition and I intentionally don't want people to know. So, I had  to explain to refrain from lying. They were calming and encouraging me to just go to the hospital but I was resistant until my roommate, who is a nurse (God, this isn't an accident) came with a BP monitoring device. It read 162/100. They prayed over me and rushed me straight to the hospital. All the way through, I feel ashamed and apologetic for the hassle, scene and burden it caused them. It was late already, they were exhausted and call time the next day is very early. I kept telling myself, "what a shame, Hope." But from that moment when I had to be taken to the hospital, until the next day, and all the way to this day - I have never felt God's love in His children overflow that much. How can you be ashamed of that?

"In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all this thoughts there is no room for God" Psalm 10:4

I always strive to put on the adventurous and fit hat because I don't want to be the weakling. I am already diagnosed with a different illness years back and my fear of anything medical related show my fragility. And I don't want to be vulnerable. Actually, I feel like I can't be vulnerable. That's why I haven't disclosed my heart condition (and also nothing to be proud of). I don't like people to see me so delicate, that my illness will block me from doing many things, and people will limit me to such image. Also, I don't need for people to take care of me. I'm used to take care of other people more and I want it to be that way because there are many people who need it more than I do. See, everything that I just wrote in this paragraph is rooted in pride. 

God revealed in me my hidden sinfulness. This pride hinders me from experiencing Him even more. I am not taking this new battle seriously because He definitely sees me when I eat what is not allowed and don't take my medicines. I have been neglecting the cure He is providing me. He taught me that it is absolutely OK not to be OK.  As apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." Loud and proud, God is good and He has the control over my frail heart. My sickness is an opportunity for His power to manifest; my constant struggle is an avenue for His grace to abound; my weakness is a way for His perfect love to do its work. 

As I allow people to care for me, especially my spiritual family, I have been more appreciative of them. What I am proud now is to know that I am surrounded by people who loves God so much that it overflows so genuinely.  As written by apostle Paul again in Galatians 6:2, "Carry each other's burden, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ". And what is the law of Christ? In John 13:34-35, Jesus said, "A new commandment I give you, Love one another. As I have loved you, so also you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." Indeed, God uses people as His vessels of love. What they did has drawn me closer to Him. 

So what happened in the ER? Just had ECG but no other tests or medications were done. After almost 2 hours, I was discharged and continued rest in the retreat house. Fast forward to the next weekend, on my regular cardio check up, that incident alarmed my doctor and my hypertension is different from my SVT. Thus, another series of lab tests and waiting game. It's daunting and almost depressing. But I am learning to be confident and glad that I have Jesus in my life, He is my Savior who has won the battle already. I know I can rest in Him. 

All from and for Him.