LONG OVERDUE EMOTIONS

Maybe I'm just exhausted and stressed from work, or maybe it's a distraction to be productive, or maybe it's the recent hurtful attack from someone in church, or maybe because I saw a glimpse of him today, or maybe the wounds have healed or maybe it hasn't really.. but today my heart is breaking again like it's a long overdue. 

Today I was reminded of how I deeply invested in someone who wasn't vice versa; like if it was a gamble, he was betting on a different game, and I ended bankrupted. But I have to set the record straight, he has a good heart and I give him all due credit for putting up with all my flaws. He is a gentleman, I always felt respected and cared for, and he made an effort to put a smile on my face as much as he can. It was his personality, the person I knew beyond physical, life status or what people warned me of. There's a lot I liked about him, but there goes the first problem, none of those were on my non-negotiables. 

I blame myself for compromising the past 3 years of patiently waiting on the Lord. Because of my 1st failed relationship, wherein I started a real relationship with God, I held onto the highest standards because I know that's what God wants for me (for all of us). Looking back at how I have been so conservative, reluctant even, on dealing with men before, I feel so stupid now. I have turned godly men before because I believed that they aren't God's best. And yet, with this man, who doesn't love God the same way that I do, I suddenly bent down.

I fell for all the promises especially when he crossed his heart to catch up with me on this race. But who was I kidding, I am not the Holy Spirit to change his heart. From petty broken promises like cooking my favorite kare-kare to the big ones like getting my parents' approval, I prayed for all those to happen and extended my timelines more and more. True enough, the things that are important to me are not important to him.

Multiple head slams on the wall is what I deserve now because I settled once again; history repeated itself. My hopeless romantic desires are actually lusts of the flesh. I saw again the worst kind of clingy and needy version of myself. Knowing him made me know God less. I made an idol out of him and I am reaping the consequences - heartbreak to regret, because I should've known better but I just don't. It's my fault..

I was doing well lately for weeks to months now until awhile ago someone started a conversation about him. It incurred in me that I was suddenly dropped (like a mic). There wasn't a decent goodbye, letting go message, or closure at most. He suddenly gave up on me and faded away. At first, I thought it was ok, so there won't be any dramatic tug-of-war of decisions. However, it's a horrible fact to be left behind without any decency. Not once did he check up on me or what not. All the weeks of feeling so reenergized in my value in God shattered away. So to that person who labeled me as a highly insecure person, I couldn't agree more. 

It's like the broken Hope 4 years ago crying out to God for her worth. I really feel discouraged at this point. In my previous post, I claimed that I'm on a journey to being fully single for the Lord first with the trust that He will provide at the perfect time. But I can't help asking why do I fall for those who don't care enough or those who will just miss the mark? Why has it been so complicated? My frail heart diagnosed with SVT is just tired of all the fake love in the world. 

So where and how do I see God in this affliction? He is my good, good Father who is disciplining me, showing me what I failed to see and what I still need to see. It's been a painful process to go through pruning and the big word of "sanctification". My hope is in Him for sure, but my selfishness just wants to burst all the emotions hidden for a quite a time now. 

How timely for this to happen that I'm off to an out of the country trip. Every year that I am about to, something like this would happen. How timely as well while I see God leading me to someone, getting more and more confident about it, and praying intentionally about him,  aghost of the past haunts you. Emotions are troubled that I'm making time to write about it. If I could just put emojis here, this will flood with tears. I hope this will be over soon..

As difficult as it could be for me now, I still say.. All from and for Him. 

CHILDLIKE FAITH & PURE HEART

I have been weary the past months that even though I tried to deny it, God's mercy and grace revealed the sins and struggles I need to repent and resolve. This resulted for my heart to be broken awfully and I take full responsibility for it. In that brokenness, I also realized how exhausted it has been for a long time now. Looking back, many reasons piled up that exhausted my heart - excluding the cardiac illness I was diagnosed with last year. 

Setting the record straight, I am not comfortable when people, especially my churchmates, flatter me as someone being admired by "a lot" of men. It makes me conscious as to what could they have seen interesting about me, and eventually insecurity starts when I don't see any of "those" men step up with their serious intentions. Moreso, I didn't want a reputation of being an eye candy to define me. Tons of conversations would include pestering me with this thought that "guard your heart" has been obscured to me. 

There came a time when several men laid down their intentions to me. They are godly men, brothers in Christ and good friends of mine. Obviously, none progressed to courtship or whatever next level there is. In three instances (I really hate to count it), it was a rollercoaster ride for my heart. I know the rejection must be more difficult for the guy, but what people didn't know it is fairly burdensome on my part too. Praying, discerning, seeking counsel and observing them, but only to have no for an answer. The saddest part is I lost close male friends and awkwardness has become normal when we are in the same room. It also hit me negatively to know that these men are now happily in love with their God's best. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for them because this is all God's will anyway. I just wondered if I lost on this? 

But when I got myself attracted to a godly man, it also didn't proceed to anything. I even ended up having so much disappointments at how seemingly mature men could be so selfish still. Then, I found myself recently highly invested on someone who doesn't love God the same way I do. I had all the warnings from this temptation but my recklessness drowned me in a lot of compromise and pain. I would tell myself that I should have known better, yet my flesh let me down. 

This is when I discovered that the frailty of my heart is rooted way back to my childhood. I grew up trying to please other people's expectations, to be the better person at all times (simply by being the leader on every group projects to student organizations), and to be someone's source of happiness, comfort and wisdom. Hence, I concluded that there is no room for me to fail. Like how I got my first heartbreak 4 years ago, I also got deeply exhausted from being the "model" daughter, student, disciple, woman, etc. That when stepped foot on the world's deceitful pleasures, I was defeated by the enemy of this world. 

Praise God. I thank God for redeeming me back to the right path. I have been restless concealing my struggles and I know it was the Holy Spirit convicting me to get it right. He reminded me that I am now His daughter and not of the world (John 15:19). I thank God for His forgiveness that heals me now. Despite my transgressions, He still loves me the same way - a love greater than anyone or anything. 

"There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." John 15:13

I could go on sharing how God has awaken me, disciplined me and revealed His will now, but this might turn into a novel rather than a blog post. Although, I need to establish the concrete plan God is leading me to do. I desire to have that childlike faith once again. As said in Matthew 18:3, "And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." To be very dependent on God and to be protected by God from being heartbroken again. I want to go back to when I was so satisfied in God alone that I was turning to be a man-hater already. That season of my life has made me so productive at work, in discipleship and making Him known. I will purposefully avoid romantic matters to make myself pure once again. I am not setting a timeline for this as I believe there shouldn't be an end to being exclusive for the Lord. 

A sermon on The Porch by Pastor Jonathan Pokluda hit me hard. He preached to pursue God immensely and faster as you can, and let a man pursue God immensely and faster as you do. Take a look whoever that man could be and check if God opens your heart. 

There so much more God has revealed to me on how I can guard my heart and have it wait, but saving it on the next post. I just feel more relieved letting all these feels out and experience God's grace more after I surrendered myself again. 

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

All from and for Him.

MY POST AFTER A YEAR

Dearest Blog,

I am sorry. I'm sorry for breaking countless promises to keep you updated. I am sorry that it took me almost a year to open you up and write on you again. I am sorry that I'm here out of sadness and not happiness. But I hope my sincere apology is a good start to a comeback post. 

This feels like a reunion with you, my well-trusted absorber, and the conversation begins with asking how are you - of which I answer with:

I got tired and discouraged. 

I am no celebrity or public figure, but I felt like my life is being watched on, and worse, scrutinized. When I decided to follow Jesus Christ, I've been aware that in "everything I do, whether I eat or drink, I do it for the glory of God" (1 Cor 10:31). Although that is impossible without Him, I committed to that joyfully because I know He is with me on this renewed life. But what I wasn't prepared for, that I recently found myself hard to accept, is when the people you share the same faith watches on your every move and would have something to say on it - good and bad. At first, I embraced the culture of open rebuke as a way of loving. This may sound very contradicting, but I think I've been humble most of the time to accept, adjust and forgive. 

I know we are all imperfect, prone to sin, including my spiritual family. I guess it's when we have reached that point of knowing right or wrong too much that hinders us from experiencing God's grace in transforming us. My maturity felt like it's on a tight grip of so many. 

I got tired of people rubbing on my face "guard your heart." That in most cases I feel so naive but people see otherwise. This got me so insecure; I felt like I am not trustworthy enough. 

I got tired of pleasing people by having such a joyful disposition. That by admitting I am not OK is such an alarming case for isolation. 

I got tired of being always on my toes as I interact with men. That kindness should be controlled to avoid misinterpretation. When is kindness so wrong anyway? 

I got tired of always talking about heart/romantic matters. That there are so many other important matters to discuss. I am bearing many other stuff that are often neglected or given priority.

I got tired of people jokingly offending others. That a good laugh would involve making fun of someone or making others look "ugly." 

What am I doing?

I decided to disconnect on friendships and fellowships. This is probably one of the hardest decisions I made because I am such an extrovert and my ClifftonStrengths result affirmed that my major strength is being around people. Nonetheless,  I've been laying low for 2 weeks and getting high quitely on rest - physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. 

I love my spiritual family, I love my church. I love them too much that it breaks my heart to feel discouraged towards them. I hope they see deep in my heart I want to keep going and be the perky Hope, but I am just so drained. Too drained that I can't even stand up for my Dgroup downline - probably the worst effect. I have lost peace that made me feel so prone to deceits and temptations. 

I am reading now the book of Jeremiah and I learned that he is known to be the "weeping prophet". Reading through the book, I do feel his sorrow over the sins of the Jews and God's inescapable punishment. Hope is always present indeed as God said towards the end. "For I have satiated the weary soul, and I have replenish every sorrowful soul." (Jeremiah 31:25)

This time of drought I find myself resting in the Lord. I know my insufficiency to love can only be restored by the One who can unconditionally.

So, I find myself going back to the things I enjoy the most before: reading, watching reality contests, cooking, being at home with my parents and blogging! I also found myself spending more focused time on my new work. I am also blessed with 2 adorable dogs wherein my love is being trained once again. I also got to connect with friends outside church who either knows God or not yet, but needs people who would encourage them. 

I have colds now from crying awhile ago at our Sunday service. Wounds aren't healed yet, my heart is still exhausted. But I want to be back; I just want to serve God and I know that it entails me to love others as much as I love Him - moreover, as much as He loves me. That's hard for now, but I'll thrive and hopefully you'll hear that I am well and good soon. 

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken." Psalm 62:5-6

All from and for Him.