I lost. That might be the most heartbreaking two-word sentence ever but I am totally fine with it. Not because I don't care about the prestige of Mabuhay, rather it is already way more than enough of a blessing to being sitting there as a nominee. And so while I am thinking on how I would write my Mabuhay experience, my heart just screams gratitude and praise to God and those He used to carry me through the journey. Grace, undeserved gift, is the theme from start to end.
LOSING
True enough, I am already a winner just by being nominated and I'll be so crazy to think I am loser. Aside from the fact that I technically lost the "competition", there's still something that I lost - simple life. My renewed life in Christ has stripped me off of "ambitious" and "competitive" desires. My hunger for success before was unstoppable that I always wanted to be at the forefront of things. And now that my eyes are fixed on Christ, I just want to finish the race well through the humblest and simplest routes. This prestigious experience will now be forever linked to my resume and name (a great booster indeed), however, great expectations and pressure come with it. I am not complaining, so don't get me wrong. I know for a fact that that is something I have no control with. Fact #2 is only God knows what the future holds for me. So, I lose myself again (again and again) to God's sovereignty. Having this contradictions in life will turn out for something good in the long run. Romans 8:28.
WINNING
My biggest, and the best award in everything, is LOVE. As God is love, He was just unstoppable in making His presence alive in this whole experience. This is the most nerve-wracking and most stressful phase of my life to date. God is so amazing to use this to pull me closer to Him during my anxiety attacks. He taught me a lot about honor - on using it for His glory and freeing yourself from it, and seeking wisdom at the end of the day from Him alone. Love was also shown in the form of people. I am afraid of enumerating names, as I might miss someone out, but also because I know everyone close to my heart became part of the process. I am overwhelmed to even receive so much respect and support from the company from the training, moral support and those that involves cash - it's beyond I ever needed. I have been blessed with mentors, who are seasoned professionals in the industry, who made time (a lot of time) to sharpen my iron for the panel interview. I have never felt like a "celebrity" with the pampering and sponsored gown from my boss / stage mom. I also realized that I have the best sets of friends from highschool and college who were cheering for me online / mobile that were deafening to my heart. My Sales and Marketing family gave me the sweetest gesture of flooding me with thoughtful encouragements. My prayer warriors from my church ministry and discipleship group who calmed me a lot and grounded me whenever my thoughts fly crazily. And, my family who was represented by my mom that night, the 30-sec spotlight moment was for her. See, I have a handful of trophies already. Receiving their love was unspeakable, that if I can resist, I would. But again, God freely gives without condition. I am still clueless on how I will repay him and everyone involved - which I am sure forever will not be enough to do so. So I let my words in this post (or the entire blog that is), proclaim His majesty all the time.
As I write my ending, I look across the room and saw my Mabuhay trophy (all nominees get one, the winner gets a bigger one of course). It's being blocked by some other stuff on my study desk, and so it gave me this realization: this experience will forever remain in me, especially in my professional package, but as life goes one, there will be new memories as well. Those might be even greater or fall too short of its prestige, so Mabuhay could fade away in my memory bank. But it's still there. It will peek it's way through if I focus on the beauty it brought me.
All from and for Him.
