2014 - THE LOWS

Bizarre. That's the perfect adjective to describe how my 2014 was. Who knew I would survived the year? Even I was surprised to end it with a genuine smile on my face. Crashed on the first half and took a flight on the second half.

Since I wasn't an active blogger this year, let me give you a round up of the year that was - highlighting the lows that grew as my highs.


HEARTBREAK. 
First real heartbreak. Yes, I have totally moved on from it, but it is true that "pain demands to be felt" as clearly told in TFIOS. A self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, idealistic and believer of fairytales "no boyfriend since birth" like me, totally didn't expect a tragic love story as what happened to me. I can still clearly remember the start of that ending, and how I started anew when it was all over.

I can proudly say that what happened to me was a story worth telling.  Trust me, how it fell apart was really, really bad (ask my friends lol). I was really at my weakest, for months, not to add the other bumps I had. I went through all stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Plus, forgiveness. Was I healed? Yes, but still scarred. Still, glad that I learned about love the hard way. It was a blessing.


BETRAYAL
Which is very much related to the heartbreak. It's not in my nature to ruin someone's reputation, and will never be, so no name-dropping. When I was a kid, betrayal for me was simply is when a friend chose to have lunch with someone else. Again, never did I expect to know it on an extreme definition. I thought I was good at choosing my friends - whom I can trust completely. And when I got my heart broken, I know that I never lack great friends to find comfort with. I may have failed to be a lover, but I know I will never ever fail in being a friend. Oops, but I did because I was so stupid. Actually, the worst part was someone made me stupid. How can a friend betray you for over a year, every single day, right on the face, and suck it all in? I dunno! I know I didn't deserve that, and noone did.

Her apologies was just enough to forgive her. But that kind of betrayal has ended the friendship. As much as she was not aware of how grave the pain she caused me, that's how much I know I can't be friends with her anymore. Since, betrayal taught me to be wiser.


BRUISED
Oh, literally. A very few know about this mishap in my life because I am really ashamed of it. I don't have a warm and happy family. We are just fine, far away. My parents are abroad and I didn't grow passionately open with them. My relationship with my sister is a total wreck ever since, and it got worst this year. I seldom see her in the house, because of her BPO work and her partner, and I can barely count the times we talk. I know she hated me, but I didn't (cross my heart). I just got used to our setup of not minding each other's business. I am really surprised with the two fights which got very physical. It was like those teleserye scenes - someone being beaten down hopelessly.

It was so devastating to even write. Such a dark experience that I all I could do was cry for a hero to save me. Healed all the bruises but our relationship is still left unresolved. Will get there, someday.


All these happened at the same time. You can realize how damaged I was. Rock bottom. But it resulted to to the confidence I have now. These tragedies sure did made me tougher and wiser - very much!

So how did I survive? God. It totally felt like the world gave up on me, but He never did. I found healing the day I started embracing His grace. Until now, it overwhelms me. How everything fell into place and the reasons behind all of it. My faith saved me, true story.

And that begins the 2nd half of 2014 - the ascend, the high, the joy.

HUMILITY

Only a few trusted people may know what I went and still going through right now - family, friends and matters of the heart. It's been an epic half of the year - in a tragic way though. I have never felt to worthless and insecure about myself.

I have been asking 'Why me? Why are people doing this to me? What have I done wrong? I have been very nice and simple, why do I need to go through this pain?'

After the renewed weekend, I have realized that these struggles I am overcoming are blessings. It has thought me so much about HUMILITY.

I have always said I am humble because I keep the great things in my life simple. Seldom do I brag. But I guess I was put to a humility test - to accept that the circumstances these past months were to teach me more about life. I am truly humbled that it is beyond not doing nasty or not being mean to others that you are being a good person, being good is constantly being kind to even in the lowest of lows. And moreover, see the positive in every situation. And in the chaos, you keep your silence even if you have the choice to revenge. It takes a lot of effort to be humble.

I am still praying for a bigger kind of humility which is to FORGIVE. I am now healing and throwing all the hatred away. I am at a point that I am doing just fine and dont care at all anymore. But the renewed weekend I went through is for a purpose - to move forward by having a clear heart and mind. I am deeply praying for the right time that I can finally be at peace, might not be friends anymore, but live in absolute forgiveness.

RENEWED WEEKEND

So just when I thought it was all done, the saga still continued this week. After 3 months of going through the toughest pain my heart can carry, and finally getting healed, there were still secrets that were revealed. (which I wont go on telling here, because it's not my story to tell and a righteous thing to destroy people). I havent felt betrayed, disgusted and hate someone so bad. But after the revelation, all I ever did was get over it and told myself ENOUGH, MOVE ON, SURRENDER IT TO GOD.

That's what I exactly did - turn to God for complete healing. I really believed that everything that happened was part of His greater plan for me to realize His love is beyond everything.

I had an awesome spiritual weekend. I attended tha Singles Ministry at CCF where I met amazing new friends and learned from their testimonies. I felt like I was in a counselling group wherein I was able to share my anxieties and everyone made me feel that everything will be fine in God's time. Then on Sunday morning, I attended a service/worship at New Life Alabang wherein it was over 1 hour of singing praise to Him. It was too overwhelming that I was crying buckets! I even braved to go up front to be touched by the pastors. I have never felt this so much ease and happy heart for quite some time. God paved the way for me to renew my faith and beyond being kind, I need to believe in a higher good.

I am not claiming to be holy or religious. I just feel joyful and slowly feeling content with the ups and downs of my life. It's a new beginning for me. All is well, it is well.