When one THING isn't going out so well in your life, you keep that HOPE that it will get better. When THINGS aren't going so well in your life, you still HOPE and hold on to that ONE great thing left. But when that GREAT THING keeps on falling apart, all that is left is HOPE.
It's difficult to be dependent on something or someone for happiness. It's unfair, immature and dangerous. So now, I am choosing to suck it all in and focus on what my day needs to accomplish. When unhappy thoughts passby, hide and cry. Divert your attention. May it be boring, it doesnt matter, because happiness seems to be only temporary.
"You are left alone, Hope. You'll get through it. Keep on accepting, thinking this is what you deserve. Better yourself, for yourself, if you think you deserve better." - self
Is just a lonely word. But for others, or maybe just me, it is comforting. The feeling of being all by yourself can either be crazy or calm. You only hear the voice of your own thoughts, you go where your eyes pull you, you do what satisfies you and you feel every emotion you seek for.
"I want to be alone" - selfish and brave.
You block those who want to be there for you and those crap. You only satisfy yourself in that moment and noone should even care. You can leave anything and get everything. It is an escape, it is a trap.
You get lost in a strange place and try to survivor. You are making a stand. You are your own protection. You get comfort from your inner positivism. You push and pull yourself in decisions. You see your best and worst. It is acceptance, it is temporary.
We all have our burdens to carry and sorrows to face. Some are too heavy. There is always a choice to make: to escape or to face it? to solve it or let it pass? to cry or to be positive? to be with someone or be alone?
Choosing to be alone is not automatic. It just happens out of selfishness and bravery. I could swear, if I could choose to not be alone - I would. I love a great company. But still I leave. Leaving where the problem is and find my own peace without being in debted.
I cant find the right words to explain and contain my emotions right now. I feel so down in every aspect of life. And even love, is not enough for me or just not for me. It sucks. I suck. Suck!
Now that I am all alone, I find myself blogging in my comfort place. Realizations pass by so quickly. Regrets slowly kill me. Best and worst get a clearer comparison. But entering the familiar again is still scary. I still dont know if I can keep up to my decisions and if my actions will be right and enough.
I am not a loner. Noone ever wants to be one. God and society wont let it. I am just troubled soul, weak and lost. That is why I want to save my ownself, fly away and be better.
Time really flies so fast, that I can still clearly remember the birthday surprise from my SC loves - which failed only because I found out about it like an hour before. So fast but a lot has happened/changed in a year.
1. Graduated. With. Honor. Honor measured not by those medals, but fulfillment that I've been a good student.
2. Got employed and still employed. The latter is the best thing, considering I'm not perfectly qualified for the job.
3. Watched James Morrison perform live!!! Best night of my life esp when he sang You Give Me Something. One for the bucket list
4. Started wearing eyeglasses due to astigmatism. Now I'm badly dependent on it.
5. A loved one passed away.
5. Bought an iPad! My birthday gift for myself. - just yesterday
6. Started die-riving. - just yesterday again.
7. Met new inspiring people at work.
8. Forgot about annoying people.
9. Eating healthier!
10. Still don't look my age.
When people are starting to ask me what's my age, I panic inside as I say the two-word number.
1. I have 8 more years before I turn 30!
2. And I haven't had a boyfriend ever!!!
3. I still want to study before my brain cells wither!
4. Get wet and wild, looking still young for it!
5. Havent saved up for THE future!!
6. Travel alone and have money for it!
7. I'm not in my dream job!
8. Dummy driver!
9. Ohhh, these baby fats are killing me!!
10. I'm friggin 22 and I dont look like one! That's a problem.
Nevertheless, there's no way I could stop time or travel back to my teen years (but if there is, reserve me a seat). I'm embracing my 22th year in this lovely world, HOPEful more than ever for better things that wait me.
Happy birthday to me!
I don't know about you but im feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you
You don't know about me but I bet you want to
Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing like we're 22, 22 - Taylor Swift
