FEARLESS 2013

2011

What I want to happen:  I will fall in love.

What really happened: I did but I became the rebound girl. Got heart broken and hospitalized. Got a fear of love til the year ends.

2012

What I want to happen: My year of fun.

What really happened: Got so attached with the fun, free college life and had a hard time adjusting with the real world. Lowest self-esteem because of job hunt difficulty. Self-doubting and crisis because I wasn’t genuinely happy.

It seems like my year prediction happens the complete opposite way that I hope it does. My prediction has no scientific or astrological basis, rather all were just based from how I just want the upcoming year to be. And I guess, there’s nothing wrong with being so positive for the year ahead.

But a friend told me, which hit me real hard, that these are all because of personality issues. I know that I am the kind of person who likes to plan things always. There’s nothing wrong with planning anyway.  But as the old saying goes - too much of everything is not good.  And in my case, as I always plan for things, I become so stiff. Well, I am open with impromptu adventures, sudden changes, and uncontrollable conflicts, but I just don’t go with the 'flow'. I just don’t really want to go with the 'FLOW'. I don’t want to be that person who just stand and/or sit there and let the waves take me to where my 'fate' is. I want to have control with my decisions so I won’t regret anything. I always set my goals - goals for a year, 5 to 10 years! Yeah, that’s how advance I think. And that, my friends, is my problem..

I am not a people-pleaser nor a perfectionist. I am just afraid of making mistakes. Who doesn’t? I mean, why would you do something when you know is wrong from the start? I fear doing something bad because I believe in ‘karma’.  It’s not like I haven’t sinned in my life, but I always put pressure in myself to always be the best, when in fact, I just can’t be.. I really can’t be. So, with all the pressure from the responsibilities I voluntarily accepted in my student life, I thought it will all bring something good for me in the future. It did. Academic and leadership award, intangible honor, good resume, proud parents, etc. But that unexplainable ‘7^th-high’ feeling from these fruits of hard work was short-lived.  

As I evaluate myself – I am not happy.

I am not experiencing any MMK-level-of-drama problem in my life those times, but I felt rock bottom. I was at my lowest the latter part of 2012. I smile and laugh each day but that thing called – GENIUNE happiness was missing. We have our own definition of things, and the way I define GENIUNE HAPPINESS is feeling before you sleep, even after a very exhausting day, you feel fulfilled on how your day’s work; and as you wake up, no matter how long your to-do’s are, you still feel excited for the stressful day. 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep asking myself..

What is missing? What do I need? What do I want? Is there something I need? Am I too greedy for not feeling contented? Is it my work? Do I just miss my college life? Should I go back to school and study again? Will a boy make me feel happy? How do I become happy again???

It’s getting  crazy every night. Yes, my job isn’t my dream first job and I still don’t feel efficient enough, but there are daily reminders, from people or things around, for me to be grateful of my job because I am in for huge opportunities. If this is because I haven’t had any boyfriend or been the unlucky one in love, well I don’t have that urgency to go out, mingle, find an inspiration and flirt. I love being single (for the now). Studying isn’t a choice for now because I need to rest my brain and my parents’ pocket for some time. I still need to figure out the career/industry I want to focus on because I don’t want to screw up my Masters, as how I 40% regret my bachelor’s degree. I try spoiling my self with material and edible things, but those weren’t enough and I even end up regretting the weight I gained.

STOP THINKING OF HOW TO BE HAPPY. JUST BE HAPPY.

How do you BE happy? – lame, annoying question. But after some lone time of thinking about this question, I think I have come up with a good realization. My friend is right, I just have to stop hurting myself with questions of how’s. It’s not that I stop being the I-always-plan-over-analyze-things version of me, but I just have to go and do the things I instantly think will make me happy. I have to learn to take some risks even though I haven’t figured out yet the consequences after. I have to take that leap of faith, enjoy the moment, and if the end is regretting, accept the consequences, don’t do it again and move forward. At least, I was happy, though temporarily, well at least I learned. As I realized, I am old enough to stand up for my own mistakes. I am not that kid anymore who should be afraid of getting scolded by my parents. I really need to step out of my comfort zone, explore the strange world and find things I might enjoy. The right term is TO LOOSEN UP!

The above are so easy to say. And the year has just started, so I am feeling every bit of excited again for my year. But this year I wont have any predictions, rather a ‘note to self’ kind of thing.

I really HOPE & pray that 2013 will be big bounce back year for me and to everyone. I got plans for 2013 but whatever happens or will not happen, I say – BRING IT!

Disclaimer: I am already OK by now. Still not genuinely happy, but I have already let go my worries.

2013 - What I want to happen: I WILL BE MORE FEARLESS.

FALLEN EMPIRES

Snow Patrol: Fallen Empires Live Tour in Manila August 09, 2012 at the Smart Araneta Coliseum.

All I wanted just sped right past me, while I was rooting fast to the earth. I could be stuck here for a thousand years without your arms to drag me out. (Signal Fire)

I am certain with songs I listen to. It depends on the lyrics, tune and relativity of it to my mood or emotions. Mainstream or indie band it's the song that matters. It is rare that I learn to love most of the songs of a certain artist and band. But I found one band whose songs make me cry, reflect and fall in love every single time, like it's the first time I've heard it.

SNOW PATROL, you are the only resolution and the only joy.


And it all made sense, I've waited here for you forever, I've waited here for you forever. (In The End)

Last summer, the news already broke that they were coming here in Manila for a concert! I have savings from allowances and graduation gifts. But I told myself it will be on August, I can save up again when I get a job. But getting a job wasn't as easy as people expected from me. I may have outstanding grades and leadership background as an advantage, but with all honesty, I was at my lowest moment these past 5 months finding a decent job. I have bags of stories of my job hunting adventures but in the end, nothing seems to be easy.

So, I made a promise with my good friend/job hunting partner, who loves Snow Patrol as well, that when we get hired before August, we will watch the SNOW PATROL concert. We take this concert as a challenge that we will exhaust a lot of effort in finding a job, not just solely for the concert's sake, but because we as individuals need to get employed soon. Also, the concert would be the ULTIMATE REWARD for all the physical, mental and emotional stress and exhaustion we had for the past 5 months.

We just wanted to hear our favorite band, especially Gary, to perform live our favorite songs from their band - and there are a lot of 'em!


Just give me a sign, there's an end not beginning to the quiet chaos driving me mad (New York)

Just last week, I got hired by a large and well-known company and had a position that I am forever grateful. This Monday was my first day at work. So, it's days before the concert, since I stopped believing in sign, I  guess God must have answered my prayers - this is what I deserve. I want to believe that I deserve this concert. And even my partner got a job a week ago.

YAHOO! We were supposed to buy our tickets last Monday - Upper Box B only though. But because of the heavy rains, we postponed it and decided to buy on the venue on Thursday instead. But least we and the entire Filipino community expected that night is the start of the one of the most horrible calamity to happen in our country.

More than 70% of Metro Manila (National Capital Region) and provinces in Luzon are extremely flooded, thousands of families lost their homes and are forced to evacuate; stranded cars and hungry individuals in unsafe areas; and as I type, more and more people are dying because of disease, landslide and drowned in flood - all caused by this southwest monsoon rains. 


Why would I sabotage the best thing that I have. Well it makes it easier to know what exactly what I want with my HANDS OPEN (Hands Open)

I have read in the tweets of the band esp with the lead vocalist's account that they are very much aware of the awful situation in our country. I am glad they are sending their concern and love for us Filipinos. They are foreigners and they have this strong sympathy, what more do I, as a Filipino, feel for my kababayans?

Just hours ago, handful of cities declared they are in state of calamity. This is definitely heartbreaking. Anyone would sympathize and empathize by just reading tweets of rescue or watching 2 hour news focused only on this.


We are listening, we are not blind. This is your life, this is your time. (Called Out In The Dark)

It's my conscience that can't bear spending more than a thousand for a concert, shouting and having fun for my heart's desire while people are at their roofs hugging themselves for heat. That is way too selfish.

I am not saying those who will watch are selfish, they have bought their tickets and it would be a waste of money to give it up. Maybe it's coincidence or what, but the bad weather last Monday that stopped me from buying my tickets is a wake-up call to see the worst and best things in life. This tragedy is the worst that could ever happen to someone, and me being safe and dry at home during these times is the best blessing. And blessings are supposed to be shared.

Snow Patrol Concert here in Manila may come once in my lifetime, they might never record a new album and go back on tour BUT there are thousands of lives who need help now more than ever. I am sure the two thousand pesos can go along way.


Give me chance to hold on, give me something to hold onto (You Are All I Have)

I wont lie, I shed a tear when we finally decided not to push through with tomorrow. It's not easy to sacrifice something you have long wanted and waited for, and to let it go when finally had the chance to is just heartbreaking. I think I am allowed to be sad tonight til tomorrow night and lock myself in my room as their songs play in my iPod. But that doesn't mean I am half hearted with my intentions to give it up to help others, the fulfillment and joy after doing those is more than what a concert could bring.

This is the power of my name - HOPE - I will still have the "Watch the Snow Patrol Concert Live" on my bucket list because I am positive that maybe, someday it will happen. And by that time, our country has risen from this devastation, we are stronger than ever and are already jumping while singing their songs.


And for that, I believe this is their song for me or reply for my post. HAHA
 BTW, these are just some their best songs. I love themmmmm ♥

Do the things that you always wanted to, 
without me there to hold you back, dont think, just do.
More than anything I want to see you girl,
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world 
- YOU COULD BE HAPPY

Leaving?

29 June 2012 around 8:00 PM

Mom: When will you get a job? I have plans already of staying in Qatar with your father. I am just waiting for you to have a job and be stable so I can start processing the requirements. It will only take me a month."

*silence*

Mom: Or if you want, come with me there? It's a good country with lots of job openings.

ME: NO.

Since that evening, there's not an hour that I didn't thought about - Mom leaving for Qatar. I am filled with negative emotions just by thinking about it. It is not just the thought of my Mom being away from me for the first time, but the other conditions that lies in the matter. 

It's been 3 months of unemployment and I know my mom is quite disappointed with it even if she doesn't express it. I am too. I am bothered as hell! God knows how much I am trying and finding! And only He knows that this too kills my self-esteem. But He greatly knows I am still fighting harder than I thought I could.

I know I won't survive employment without my mom to help me with the requirements for work if needed. So, she is really waiting for me to get a job and then off she flies. 

This is really a HUGE PRESSURE for me. My mom's desire and joy depend on me. How difficult could that be? I am not a good daughter but I am trying to be every single day. My mom has been the most selfless person in my life. Just looking at her every night when she comes home from work, I know she's tired. I want to carry on that exhaustion of hers and give her the well-deserved rest with my dad..

So, I am left with two options to end this agony.

STAY or LEAVE.

"HOPE, please stay." 

Well, this is really what I want. Therefore, I have to find a work IMMEDIATELY. But the past three months hasn't been easy for me because if it was, I'd probably have a job right now. But why do I still want to stay?

Because for me, leaving means quitting. It only proves that I have lost HOPE - the only thing I have with me now. Patriotic as it sounds, but I want to prove that there is HOPE here in my country. I know there is. I want to prove to myself and to others, who have lost that HOPE, that I can survive here. And, I want to prove to everyone who has HOPE in me, that I can succeed right before their eyes. 

There are a lot of things I still want to do here with my family and friends. A lot of places to discover, people to meet and love to find. I want to conquer this country first, before conquering other lands. 

"Try it. Leave with me"

I wouldn't be so bothered like this if I am not considering leaving and working in Qatar. From what is in the news, yes, there are a lot of job opportunities in other countries. And Qatar has been one of the top choices. My dad has been working there since I was little. He already a house and car there. Quite stable and comfortable to call home someday.

I can't stop thinking: What if there is really something there for me? What if my HOPES will turn to reality there? What if I can find happiness there, eventually?

02 July 2012 6:15 PM

Another day passed by without any calls. Another day that is wasted. 

This isn't just a matter of what I want now. It's a matter of choosing what you think is right - a decision I have to do quickly because the clock it ticking fast. 

I am still undecided but I have to make a decision soon. But atleast for now, I have to wipe these tears away, stand up, find a job online or open a newspaper, try my luck, wait, and PRAY. 

           

It definitely is!!! So, please hold on to me too? Make me stay..

"Baby, please don't go. If I wake up tomorrow will you still be there? Baby, please don't go, go, go.."