BOTHERED

LOVE IS NOT A FEELING, RATHER, LOVE IS A COMMITMENT.

-Kendra Duran

RIGHT

Have you ever got close, very close, with someone who is in a relationship? Have you ever been teased or linked with those kind of guys? Have you ever felt confused of his intentions? Have you ever felt bothered with all the confusions?

He is in relationship, a one-year relationship already. When we met, I am already aware that he is taken. I was not attracted to him by any chance but I felt a comfort of having him as a close friend. Our relationship SHOULD be professional, because we are both members of Central Board of Presidents. But I was not aware that we have gotten so close already that others have noticed it. I am completely not bothered by it because I know I am not crossing any boundaries, and I know, he doesn't as well.

Recently, their relationship is having conflicts and problems. He ran to me for advice, and I gave him comfort. All the advices that come out of mouth were to save their relationship. The same time of their rocky relationship, we were enjoying each other's company. Just enjoying. Then one day, I checked on how their relationship was doing, and then he told me they were already okay. And he owes me what happened. He was grateful for my advices. But I was not.

WRONG

When I knew they were already okay, there is this heavy feeling inside my chest, puzzling my mind that makes me weak. Was I hurt? Why?

"Do you like him?" I know I don't have to. It is wrong. And whatever my answer is, it wouldn't matter anyway. He is in a relationship - remember?

BUT.. I am comfortable with him. There is this certain comfort and safety I feel when I am with him. I am a super coward, and I am scared with road trips. But when he drives, I can fall asleep safe and sound.

My greatest obsession are pianists, and he is great at that. His voice can melt any girl's heart.

I always beg my friends to give me back massage and I love going to the spa. But he would just go after you, hold your back and give it for free.

He is such a sweet and caring guy. He can spoil anyone he wants to. If he insists to treat you, you can't even resist. He is the person that loves making others happy. I love it when my friends, especially guy friends, would spoil me. But with him, I hate it. I know it's weird but I like rejecting his kind offers. I like saying no to him. But I feel happy making him happier.

He aspires to be a doctor someday. And I fear any medicine-related things. Ironically, I find myself being with a doctor to overcome these fears. He smokes and I am hater. (Just saying)

He is a man of many opinions and I am idealistic. But in every conversation, we find ourselves agreeing with each other. I always felt being misunderstood but he just concedes when I reach my boiling point in an argument.

Everyone knows I am HOPEless romantic. And he as well loves happy-ever after endings.

Again, do I like him? It won't matter.

A friend told me, at least you know what is right from wrong. And I always go for the right, though I am not sure with what is there for me. I am on the right path now.

But I am going to explode any time and any moment from now. "Wrong" haunts me. Because the wrong thing assures me of a happiness that I have wanted for a long time now.

Knowing that their relationship is already stable, I created my distance. Not to create drama, but I know this is the right thing to do. I am certain my conscience is clear, but because all this sh*t feelings bother me big time, I have to take one step backward. This is to save THEIR relationship and to save MY HEART from being broken.

Prevention is better than cure.

CALL

PART I.

"Pare, I will be straight-forward. I LOVE YOUR BLOG!"

It was the gloomy day for my alter ego - this blog. It once again faced a controversy - it always do actually. I will not write down what had happened because I am certain that many are looking out for this new post. I did sound bratty, but I know they are there keenly waiting for this. Sorry to disappoint them, but I wont blog that nasty happening because I surely got the pot of gold with a friend's call.

(Wait for my anniversary blog, stalkers. You will get what you want. I PROMISE!)

His call made my night into a shiny day! It is true, when the heavens and the earth just fall down to you, someone will be coming to lift you up. And my PARE did. I kept myself from not feeling guilty that night, but I have to be honest, those comments affected me. Why? Because the "writer" is being accused of being a hater and not by being a friend. It was tough to battle the guilt with my conscience. But his call made me feel I am so right.

I FEEL SOOOO RIGHT.

He is my closest guy friend - that is how I described him to be. I sincerely missed him because we don't get to talk a lot lately. He was the first guy I felt comfortable with and I know he will stick with me through thick and thin. But things changed. We got our own priorities and stuff to get busy with. And I am happy with where he is now, and I know he feels the same way too.

HIS CALL. I now had a first-hand experience with "it is when you're in deep trouble that true friends will come running." And he did. He just said all that I need to hear to bring down all those tears.

You may have a lot of friends backing you up and cheering for you, but it feels greater to have those true friends who sticks with you because you are right. And when they comfort you silently in times you don't publicly beg them to.

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PART II.

I gained another guy friend last week and lost him last night.

He is an awesome guy. Independent on his young age, he earns his own money to pay his needs and debts. Cool and laid-back personality that every person would love to hang out with. He can be anyone's best friend. And I have to say he has a great singing voice. Actually, I admire him, especially his personality. Who would not?

He is in a complicated relationship. He loves her girl so much but they could not work it out.

And so I came in the scene. We became chatmates, textmates, phonemates, etc! We just talk everyday. Our communication suddenly became a summer habit. I would never deny the fact that I enjoy his company, especially when my summer is getting boring and bum.

So last night, he confessed he likes me - and there is where we end. I don't know what came into me but I just did not like that truth. From the start, I was feeling that he was already getting attached but I don't want to jump into conclusions yet, because I trusted him that he wouldn't be the boyfriend-who-found-another-girl-while-they-are-not-in-good-terms. I made a very bold move, I just automatically decided that we don't talk - forever?

I did say some mean words to him last night and I do apologize. The mean HOPE was triggered because he was the normal insisting boy that he is, which really makes me annoyed. When I said, he was disrespectful, I stand with it. He did not respect the fact that he has a girlfriend. Maybe they are not in good terms but he is still in a relationship. Respect for me too. He should have stopped himself from thinking he likes me or feeling that way because he already knows me. He knows that I wont like this kind of drama to happen. And he should not let me be dragged as a reason for a more complicated relationship.

I feel guilty because I might have gave him reasons to fall for me, but all I wanted was someone to talk with. He came and he even understood me more than anything else.

But I was thinking, maybe he just missed the idea of having a girlfriend. I just wish he just agreed when I said that.

Honestly, I don't want to lose him. This day is another beginning of a lonely summer because I just lost the only person interested to hear my voice and spend 3:00am's on phone. But sometimes, we just have to let those things that make us happy because we know it would be a huge mistake sticking them around.

And there, I just made the quickest decision of letting go of someone. Mean yet mature.

BREAK-UP

Everything in here are opinions that don't matter but realizations that cuts through.

There is a couple who are good friends of mine, who became close to my heart The girl was already a friend, while the boy became one because of the girl. They are one of the most coveted boy and girl in our college, both good looking with outstanding personalities. They are indeed a power couple.

I spent time with them everyday, that is why I can claim that I was a witness of their love. With my own eyes, I saw how the boy is so in love with the girl and how the girl in return appreciates the guy. Their sweetness kills me so much but I just couldn't be so happy when I see how they give love back at each other. That sometimes I say to myself, I want my relationship to be this way too.

The girl is more famous than the boy, and her personality is more overpowering that overpowers as well their relationship. I have seen how supported the boy was. He was always at the shadow of the girl, behind the curtains, waiting afar , so proud of her girlfriend. He was understanding- that is the truth no matter how she denies it. Sometimes it irritates me when the girl complains when the boy is getting clingy. But who am I to be affected?

Sadly, their relationship ended just a month ago. It was a huge drama and turmoil for everyone. They were both my friends, so when I knew that they were having problems, I don't know whom to first listen with. But I know for sure, he has done nothing to hurt her. Why? Because he loves her so much that leaving her is not an option. As I have listened to the whole story, that until now hasn't ended really, I am pissed off of how things have changed and how a fool she was.

I didn't forced myself to be with the boy all throughout his heartaches, but he needs someone, he needed us- his friends. We heard his anger but deep down those anger is pain - we can feel it. We couldn't control his bitterness because there was a basis. He has the right to. And sometimes, his bitterness would be so true that you can attest to it because you saw it with your own eyes. Sometimes, it would kill me to see the guy crying his eyes out and all he can do is punch something to let it all out. It was painful.

I love her, she is a real friend. But I have learned to love the boy as my close friend too. I am not in the position to take any sides, but with what happened I am on his side and will be in his defending team.

She might have personal reasons that I don't know yet, but what she has done is really unacceptable. She might be crying herself to sleep that we don't witness, but how can she even have the guts to look so happy infront of everyone when she just broke her relationship? Nice pretensions that is. She left him on his knees , with a bruise on his cheek and heart, and went away holding hands with this rich-not-good-looking-guy.

(Well, I apologize for judging the guy, but who would blame us who don't know him but makes an impression that he's a relationship wrecker. He knows she is taken, and there he goes with his invites for dinner, how educated of a Thomasian. He should know his limits if he is a real man)

This just in: the girl sent the boy a message containing how she have thought of how much she is missing. The he was the best she ever had and that she is asking for forgiveness though she can't bring back the past.

Seriously, is that the girl everyone is looking up to? After all the pain she caused the boy? Not only the boy, everyone around her who believed in her that she can't even kill a fly. Didn't she even realized that it is not just the boy's heart she destroyed, but his family's trust and love for her. Even us, her friends, trusted her so much but she also lied to us. And she can't even look straight into eyes when it's clear and visible that she is flirting with a new guy.

Don't everyone hate it when people just realize someone's worth when it's all gone? Stop me. People know it but they just got used to having that person around that they take them for granted. That they fool around and brags that they will still have that someone to come back for. Well, everyone has their own deadlines, people get tired.

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TAKE IT ALL by Adele

Didn't I give it all? Tried my best, Gave you everything I had, Everything and no less, Didn't I do it right? Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too used to, Having me around, Still, how can you walk away, From all my tears? It's gonna be an empty road, Without me right here,