LETTERS TO A #5

Dear Awesome,

Your identity is no longer a secret since we've (specifically, you) made an online public announcement of our relationship just few hours after I said yes to be your partner a month ago. Happy 1st monthsary, AJ Montesa! 💛

May 23, 2020. The last blog-letter I wrote about/for you never expected that the 23rd of May will be so special for us both. It was a letter full of uncertainties and hope at the same time. How strange that 7 months ago we were so sure about each other, yet still held back until we're sure this "good gift" is from the Lord. And it is, AJ. You are a good, good gift from the Lord! I'm so grateful that we both waited for that cozy Saturday afternoon in our living room.

I could write so many stories about us like "Keep your Friends Close, Enemies Closer, and Crush Closest," or "Finding the Best Godlyfish in the Christian Sea," or "Nailing and Failing the Courtship," or "Pandemic, I'm in Love." Although, it will take me days to share details about all of those - but I will, some other time!

So for now, I want this first ever blog entry about me being in a relationship speak about how I happy I am. I AM SO HAPPY WITH YOU, AJ! I've written so many heartbreak or hopelessly waiting entries, so this makes you and what we have so special. And I am certain I won't ever have to delete nor regret publishing it.

Happiness reminds me of the Beatitudes, which holds a special place in our memory - thank you for facilitating the series of exegesis of this part of the Scripture during the pandemic. Beatitudes from what we've learned is such an important and beautiful teaching of Jesus in the Matthew 5. It defies how the world defines being happy or blessed, as someone must be first poor in spirit - so humble, so broken - to realize their need for Jesus, then they can inherit the kingdom of heaven, which is a story of salvation at its very core.

How does that relate to us? Well, I am certain of my personal relationship with Jesus and that I can claim my inheritance in heaven someday with Him. But thinking of you, our story written by the God, I am deeply humbled to find Jesus again. Ours is not perfect, we both know that. We see ourselves struggle a lot more (and the most this 1st month), yet God's grace has never ceased to amaze me. My spirit is sliding down to the bottom the past days to weeks, but I remain happy because having you is a reminder that God isn't done with me yet. Thank you for constantly reminding me of that. And thank you for being broken with me as well. God indeed is the master author of our lives for even allowing two both deeply depraved individuals pursue a relationship together in pursuit of Him in this life. Aaaahhhmazing! 

I am so excited for the next monthsaries, anniversaries and decades with you, AJ. Let's stick together, I promise I'll lessen my "ayoko na" moments by 50% as a monthsary gift.

You will forever be awesome to me. I love you! 


Love,
Your Girlfriend 

LETTER TO ANONYMOUS

Dear You,

This isn't the blog I was supposed to share today. I have a draft letter to Awesome that I've long planned to publish today since the 1st day of every month has become significant to us. But things don't always go our way, right? And to be reminded of that, no matter how pure it is or been praying about it, still hurts terribly. 

It sucks, actually. 

This pandemic is life-changing indeed. My initial draft daydreamed of a godly courtship that went through a crisis and still survived the odds. I have all these cheesy emotions that I imagined our admiration and affection became stronger despite the distance in lockdown. I expected way too much and the disappointment was too much also. Because the reality bites hard, we are still the same imperfect, sinful people that we are. Awesome is not always awesome, I know that and should have known that. And I am not "Ganda" in all ways and always. We are both to blame in here. This heartache is something we both deserve for losing sight of what's more important and something we both needed to focus our gaze again on what's most important. The crisis has infiltrated our friendship now, but I'll keep that draft still as much as I am keeping my hopes for us.

But this is not my core message to you. If I can put a title on this, it would be like, "I don't want to write you a letter and it sucks that I have to." Yes, it sucks. 

This blog has been with me for 10 years now (wow, decade!). I am not proud of all my write-ups, most are poorly written - feel free to judge my grammar, go on! - but I am proud of how this platform has helped me through the years - from when I was still lost 'til now that I have Christ. What I am confident of is that this is where I put my heart and mind into. I blog when I am extremely vulnerable or joyful (although I've become lazy since I eventually write a lot at work). Sometimes it takes hours to days to finish a post because I like putting structure, a proper flow and pure facts. I even put pressure on myself to make it at least acceptable to be out in this massive online universe. I take full responsibility of what I blog. That's how much I value my words because I know it's valuable to anyone who could read this - including you!

So to face a crossroad to hide it or to take a break from it or to cease it, sucks the most. I can easily delete all my other social media accounts, but not this. No, never. 

You have stumbled upon (or consciously typing my blog URL every so often) my safe space, my favorite journal, my priceless possession.. but you don't have the power over this. I know for a fact that when I publish something publicly (even privately online), it can be up for scrutiny. And I am ready for that. Because after all, I don't blog for someone else's approval. I have stayed true to why I blog: to document the bad and good moments of my life that I'm willing to share for God's glory. Yes, I hope that somehow it will be relevant or encouraging for someone. Putting my stories on the web makes me responsible for what God is allowing me to go through and how He is revealed in all of those. And my confidence is that He is very much alive through it all. 

So, going back to you, as I assume you read or think otherwise, that's on you darling. You have the same freedom as me to post online, but we are not free to sin - that's what I am certain of when Jesus Christ died on the Cross to save me from the slavery of sin. I won't stop writing MY stories in MY BLOG. Although, I hope I won't get to write you a letter again. 

We are definitely in a crisis. It just sucks that we have to deal with petty personal disputes when millions of people are suffering around the globe. It is so selfish. That's why I'm thankful for you. You made me realize to thrive further in forgiving and loving even those who see you as insecure, mentally ill and hypocrite. For what? Mainly because that is what love requires me to do. 

Loving someone is so difficult. Loving Awesome has made that truth even more true in my life. But it is meant to be beautiful even in brokenness. I know certain that while my love is being stretched (for you and Awesome), I am turning out to be a better version of myself - and that's what is most important than protecting my blog from hateful comments. 

P.S. Thank you also for making time to read my loooong blog posts. I know it takes a lot of interest and commitment. I'm flattered to gain your interest. 

Love,

Wheremyhopesare.blogspot.com 

FAITH AMIDST CORONAVIRUS

Faith does not operate in the realm of the possible. There is no glory for God in that which is humanly possible. Faith begins where man's power ends. - George Muller

ENDGAME.

The entire world is afflicted by a pandemic - Covid-19 / Coronavirus - for months now and its seems like we're far from its end. While the pandemic is reaching its peak in most countries, other countries are just seeing it emerging three months since its outbreak from its place of origin. This pandemic has put an end to many - lives, livelihood, life on life interactions, lifestyle routines and luxuries, and normal life in general. Millions of people are living in lockdown, in high risk, in uncertainty, and in loss. Cure or prevention is still obscure at this point. I bet no one is really safe - no status, power or money will make anyone immune of it (just yet). The struggle persists in every home, every community, every hospital, and every nation. The virus being invincible yet tangible makes it unstoppable. In this dark tunnel that the world is walking through, that speck of light seems a million miles away. 

I thought to myself, "we have reached our end." 

BEGIN AGAIN.

However, people are still fighting through, though. We see heroes arise, generosity abounds, and faith alive. Out in the front line of this battle are ordinary individuals who are doing above and beyond their call of duty. Reading their stories or seeing their exhaustion in photos validates how real this viral warfare is. From medical professionals, safety personnel, food suppliers, government officials, delivery guys, volunteers and all those who still thrive to work for every home to be provided and safe, their sacrifice counts the most; it gets us moving forward with so much hope. I can scrutinize all I want those who are showing off their good deeds, but shame is actually on me for having done infinitesimal compared to what they have sweat out. I eat my pride with gladness to witness compassion moving around our nation. 

And FAITH. In such an impossible time to believe, I thank God for giving me faith and cultivating faith around the globe. What an absolute truth that in our helpless and hopelessness or realization that we reached the end of our self-sufficiency do we recognize that God is our ultimate refuge. With Him, it is possible to live again (and again). 

NEXT CHAPTER.

None of us know what tomorrow holds for any of us. But what Hebrews 11:1 tells us, "Now faith is the assurance of everything we hope for, the conviction of things unseen." That is what faith holds on to - our hope in Jesus that He has saved us from the ultimate suffering brought by sin, that through Him there is no pain in heaven, and that He has defeated and won over this pandemic also. I choose to believe in that. So for us sitting safe and well in our homes, we keep praying and preaching that the impossible happen - it will happen (tears). I look forward to glorious days..

Smiles will break free from masks. Hugs are given tightly with no reservations. A day won't be complete without a tap on the back, handshake and high give. Giving up technology for personal conversations. The privileged giving more even in good times, while the under-privileged are always the government's top of mind. Health is prized at a premium, hence medical workers are paid more. Families crowd the outdoors and their homes. Businesses regain their loss and the unemployed get their jobs back. No one will be left suffering alone. Kindness is breathe by every individual. Every nation believes in Jesus. 

I read somewhere that this is a season we will be grateful for someday. My heart breaks whenever I see the statistics continue to rise, when I read testimonies of suffering, and learned of actual names or faces who have passed away. My sympathies will not be enough, of course. But we move forward with a blessing of a new day of new mercies. The moments we live for are those miraculous stories of recovery, those who fight through for someone's life or their lives, nation uniting as people are changing for good, and all in all, what God is and will do in our tomorrows. 

Praise our God, all peoples,

    let the sound of his praise be heard;

he has preserved our lives

    and kept our feet from slipping.

For you, God, tested us;

    you refined us like silver.

You brought us into prison

    and laid burdens on our backs.

You let people ride over our heads;

    we went through fire and water,

    but you brought us to a place of abundance.

Psalm 66:8-12

We'll get through this, world! 

All from and for Him.